Feeling so desperately suicidal

[karmathreefold]

Our second daughter was born sleeping 2.5 months ago. Our marriage was rocky well before then.

To start with we were closer together, then he seemed to go back to normal, but didn't want sex with me anymore, while I needed to feel loved.

Things have reached the point where I have scratched my arms, I feel so desolate.

I really, really hate him... because I've needed him, needed him so much, but whereas I spend every night crying my heart out on the sofa, he's in bed, saying that I'm nasty to him.. or if I do go to bed, and cry, he'll just ask why I'm crying... ffs... I shouldn't need to tell him, I just want to be held, for fucks sake I need to be held, and he never does.

I've tried talking to him, but he just puts it back to me.

The last few nights we've watched The Hostel trilogy - which is basically a horror, with lots of hot, naked women in... I just feel so defiled by it, him watching young nubile, naked flesh, when I've still got baby body, watching people being tortured to death, when we've just buried our child.

He's gone to bed, leaving me crying down here, and I feel like dying, I really do, I just don't want to be here, and his attitude makes it worse.

I kept going up there, telling him how I felt, and all he said was "get into bed, cause I'm watching TV & want to chill", and I admit it makes me so angry, because I feel so lonely.

In the end I told him I'd written over his facebook wall - two seconds later he's down here, as he worries about what his friends think... whilst I'm sitting there, crying hysterically... (I didn't write on his wall, but it showed me that he really doesn't care about me, his wife, the woman who gave birth to his child, who died, who nearly died herself, who wants & mises her baby, and all he fucking cares about is some fucking friends who he never bloody sees)...

I don't know what to do, I can't carry on like this, its torture, as if I was single I could get on with it, but with him here, I CRAVE some affection, some love...

Sorry for mistakes but I can hardly see the screen for tears

Karma I really think you need to get out for a while. To your mums again maybe? Or who is the lady on your fb that always sends you lovely, supportive messages? I feel sure she would look after you and dd1.

There are a lot of people who love you and need you, especially dd1. I know it's hard but you have to try and detach from your h. He's not going to give you want you so desperately want at the moment. You know me, chip, miasm and the others from the bereaved mummies thread are all here for you xx

Karma - I'm so very sorry for all the pain you are going through. Of course you feel absolutely desolate after losing your baby.

I strongly, strongly urge you to get out of this relationship with your unfaithful, unsupportive, selfish and poisonous 'partner'. I think once you do that, you can begin to grieve properly. His dreadful behaviour is making things so much worse for you.

I am glad you are getting RL help.

x

I remember your past threads :( sorry you're having such an awful time. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope you get some happiness soon

Izzywhat a kind thoughtful post. Spot on. you give me some hope for the human race, which by and large I give up on.

karma I hope all the lovely posts help a bit at least. They all show that your feelings are entirely valid and that. you will get out of this grim place you're in

Karma, so sorry you felt like this last night. Very glad you found others to hold your hand and to listen. I just hope that they helped, and that you are feeling even a tiny bit better this morning.

Please get out of this destructive relationship. You deserve to live, and you deserve to be happy. Your DD1 deserves her lovely mummy.

Get out physically from the house, and get out emotionally by focussing on you and your DD1. You don't need H's permission or agreement on this. I know it will be hard, but you have already had the worst happen with Tamsin. Nothing can ever compare to losing her. Please honour her memory, and seek out a life which is good for you.

I can't pack your bags for you, but goodness I would if I could!!

I remember you too and he was vile back then as well :(
Please please go and stay with someone who will love and look after you.
Huge hug xx

Oh dear, I was found, and I'm so grateful to you all, and to those who know me, I didn't want to keep leaning on you, and feel so ashamed.

I do feel better this morning, glad I talked on here, and especially to my brother, and I'm just waiting to hear from my mum re; going to hers.

It's the nights that are the worst, I do my best for DD1 (only venting on here), and then at night, when she's safely tucked up, I need to let go, after keeping things bottled I need to let them out, and so desperately want to just have a hug.

I've passworded my computer - finally - as I'm sure that DH will try to use my mental health, in order to get custody of DD1. Luckily he's not seen my arm, so he doesn't know about that... I've practiced over & over again "I am single", like a mantra

LottieJenkins I'm so sorry. As you can see by Miasmummy whatever et al, I do post there, but didn't want my emotional breakdown dragging the thread down xx

Glad you're thinking clearly again this morning, night times are so hard :(
Let us know your plans and don't worry about leaning on here... I would imagine that was the initial intention of a site like this?
You should not feel ashamed for grieving, I would be more worried if you were pretending all was ok.
Sending huge hugs to you too xx

The penny has just dropped "who" you are.

I saw your previous threads from when he was displaying dodgy behaviour before

I am so, so sorry to see how it is all playing out. The loss of your baby...well, I cannot express how badly I feel for you. Your posts have made me cry, and Izzy's words to you made me sob again.

I don't know if this is the right time for you to examine whether you really want to move forward with a man like this. I hope that when you are ready, that you do and you will find him very wanting. His cold demeanour to you at a time you need him the best is showing you that.

I echo not letting him sit in with your psychiatrist. Any psych worth their salt should bar him, without even asking your permission, tbh

PLease carry on posting here and let us support you as best as we can, in our own tiny way. And look after yourself. Don't scratch yourself any more. He isn't worth punishing yourself for. Best wishes xx

So sorry Karma....I really feel for you...i understand that feeling when your reaching out for someone who just isn't there...its heart breaking

Keep posting and hope your feeling a little better today x

I read your thread in the muddle of the night (up with dd2) but was too tired to post. I echo everything that has been said here by some very wise and caring people. You deserve better.

So so so sorry you are grieving alone & having to put up with his behaviour at the same time. Your brother & mum sound supportive & maybe could help you more? I think you'll recover better without him but it's not easy to end a marriage so in the meantime I'm thinking of you & if you need anyone to let off steam to we are here .....

karma, you really can post whatever you need to on our thread! Feck it, we're a bunch of bereaved Mums, it's rare that there's a party to poop! You know what, karma? I think you need to leave him, he's like a gangrenous limb and hanging on to him is making you more ill. Time to amputate!

Karma, I often think of you (if you are who I think you are) and wonder if you're still with that prick. He's a drain on you, he offers nothing. If you search your own MN history you can see for yourself what he's like and what negative impact he has on you.

The samaritans are always open and fantastic to listen at any time.

And don't let him in to see the psychiatrist! And if the psychiatrist is thick enough to believe him about those photographs, well, they're the most gullible person ever! Not one person on here that you've told thinks his explanation is plausible! Not one! And the coffee cups explanation is bullshit too, with small cups, you don't pour yourself two cups, you pour one, drink it and then pour another one.

Anyfucker yep you have posted on my threads before, and I was a bit scared, as you did tell me to leave before, but, like a muppet, I clung on in vain hope that it was my fault really, and at the end of the day at least I'd have my two gorgeous girlies - the fact I've lost one has just compounded the problem, and brought the fractures into sharp relief.

chip yes you are right... I now have an absolutely shocking cold, and have been asleep as I really do feel rough.

I have managed to get why he's not inclined to offer me comfort (which he's pretty shit at doing anyway, but was so cold the last two nights), it all stems from my friend... the one who told me that I should be sterilised (biatch!). I wrote to my mum that he agreed with her, and he's angry as it was a lie... what in fact he did say - when I tried to say how much she'd upset me - was that I shouldn't slag her off... so in a way to me it felt like he was agreeing with her, or at least siding with her... he never lets me speak ill of anyone though, only me

chip lol say it how it is... I'm so happy that you don't think that I am a paranoid cow, as he did have me believing it... it's hard to explain, he really does seem so convincing when saying how they were meant for me, and I'd be damned if the profile on 'shagbook' isn't his... strangely the user has only stopped logging in since he discovered me looking at it

Hey honey, are you taking antidepressants is it possible they are not working? Have you had bereavement counselling, you sound like you are greaving. We harm ourselves when it all gets too much, its a way of coping, but you have to be strong.

Get an elastic band and put that on your wrist when you feel like self harming ping it, use that as your outlet I used to stab myself with my keys, not often on my hands when things got too much to bear.

YOu have children to look after now and they need you. This man is bringing you down, you would fair much better alone and single.

Tell him, write to him tell him you want a trial seperation that enough is enough. The pics of his cock were not innocent he cannot blame that on your mental health. Be strong and ask for help from whomever you can.

karma don't be scared of ikkle old me

be scared of how low your H brings you down, really

you should be able to properly grieve for your beloved daughter, not having to deal with his nastiness x

AF thanks. I read this forum quite a lot, and to be honest I think the advice is really great, I just felt guilty at being advised to leave him (by lots iirc), though to be fair I'm glad I didn't, as I'm sure I would then have blamed that for DD2's death, and heaven knows I've blamed myself enough x

Fabby I'm not taking ADs, and I'm not allowed them, I actually went 'high' over the festive season, so I'd be bouncing off the walls if I did (which is better than being low to be honest), I do think a change in meds is required, which is what prompted my friend to tell me to get sterilised. I've announced our separation on facebook, and have told him repeatedly, but he will not admit there's a problem, it's all me

karma you should know there is much tolerance for people coming back to say "I didn't take your advice, and this is how things are now"

it's one of the things I love about MN

unless you try to hide or deny your posting history (which is irritating), there is lots of understanding about how hard it can be to break away from damaging relationships x

Karma it's not easy to just up sticks and leave we get that. We just want you to know and believe you are totally worth more than he is making you feel. One day you will feel strong enough to leave. Hopefully soon but I know how much energy grieving for Tamsin and caring for dd1 is taking you right now. One step at a time.

I saw on fb you had changed your relationship status - how did he react to that? Is he still tracking your mn posts? If so is it worth getting this moved to otbt and maybe a slight namechange so you can talk freely. Have you thought of how you are going to handle the psychiatrist on Monday? Can you not leave dd1 with him so he can't go with you?

You need to leave yourself if you can, you need out of this destructive relationship.