Have handled dating situation badly, not sure what to think - need advice please.

[Wellnowthisisawkward]

Went on two dates with new man. Fancied him rotten. Felt a real spark between us. Was certain he felt the same way due to body language, flirting, kiss at end of date e.t.c. - although of course now I realise this was a silly assumption to make.

After our second date I sent a playful, flirty e-mail, the jist of which was, 'So where do we go from here?'

He sent an e-mail back saying he very much enjoyed my company but was wondering about the distance between us. He then went into a spiel about how he had given me all his contact details, not out of politeness, but because he was really hoping we could stay in touch and get to know each other. However he did have other dates coming up and didn't want to make promises he couldn't keep. Could we just stay in touch and see how it went?

I sent an e-mail back saying yeah no problem.

But I thought about it and decided that I didn't want an e-relationship at all. Neither did I want to hang around indefinitely. So I wrote back saying that actually I didn't feel that would work for me - couldn't be arsed with e-mailing back and forth forever e.t.c. I said that if there had been no spark for him then that was cool, but if there had been I didn't see any reason to hold back. Surely there didn't need to be a monogamous committment to something serious in order to pursue things? We could see how things went, spend time together and still see other people if we wanted to. Couldn't we just get together in a couple of weekends time, go on our third date, have some dinner and drinks and maybe spend the night together like normal people?

He wrote back saying yes ok, he hadn't thought about it like that, and let's make arrangements to see each other soon.

I now feel awkward though. My gut instinct is telling me he's not into it and I should have just accepted it when he said (perhaps to let me down gently) to keep in touch and see how it went. He was supposed to call tonight and has just texted to say is it ok if he calls tomorrow as he is a bit 'under the weather.'

Gah - why don't people just say when they don't want to pursue things? Why all the fudging and messing about? I'm always straight with people. If I'm not feeling it I just say thank you, you're lovely, but I don't want to pursue things. It's not bloody hard!

I only want to meet with him again if he's properly into it. Part of me wants to say not to bother but I'll look insecure and sulky won't I, if I text to say, 'I can tell you're not feeling it so let's not bother.'

Phew, that was long. Help!!! What to do???

Listen to your gut instinct, call him and tell him that you've realised there is nothing to pursue.
It doesn't matter if he thinks you're 'sulky and insecure' does it ?

What to do? Honestly, nothing. Just leave it there. He sounds like a decent bloke, otherwise he'd have just blanked you if he weren't feeling it. Many people find it very hard to let people down without hurting their feelings. I'm sure you've done nothing wrong at all, you're just not after the same thing. I know it's disappointing, but I'd cut your losses now, and if it does come to anything in future, great, if not, move on.

He's spelled out that he plans to go on other dates, perhaps he just wants to keep things very casual for now. If that's not what you want, then look elsewhere. Otherwise you'll always be feeling insecure and as if you pushed him into a 3rd date.

Sounds like he was only in it for one thing...........................am I right girls?

I really don't mind that he still wants to see other people. I'm not prepared to offer any monogamy or serious committment myself at this early stage.

But I don't want to go on a third date with him if he's feeling half hearted about it.

Sounds to me like you had an honest and well-meaning exchange of views. You both sound mature and considerate, so don't over think it.

It sounds like he is willing to meet up again, as you suggested, so meet up. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he is a mature adult who agreed to this because he is happy to, upon consideration, and not because you forced him into it (since you didn't).

Thanks HotDAMN. I really want to see him again. He is beautiful, fun, well dressed and interesting and I want to rip his clothes off. I haven't given it a huge amount of thought beyond that

As far as any mid-long term thing is concerned, I'm happy just to take that one date at a time. But it's not often you meet someone you feel you really spark with and I'm unwilling to just walk away which is why perhaps I pushed it in the first place.

Just leave it now

He knows the score

Let him make a move if he wants to

I don't think he isn't into it as such, he just doesn't want commitment. Your 'where do we go from here' message could have been interpreted as a bit full on, and so he backed off.

If there was no spark he had the perfect opportunity to say so instead of offering to meet again with the terms clearly set out.

Be prepared for that to be all he ever wants though.

I would just walk away now. He obviously isnt that keen and is already talking about dating other people. How will you feel when he dumps you as soon as he has found someone he likes better.

Sorry, but he is just not the right man.

I don't think you left him much room really, by asking for his intentions after two dates. I think that was a mistake, but you probably know that already! It's too early to know what's going on, I would have just carried on with a couple more dates, and got to know each other better before asking for any decision-making from him- personally I get frightened off by people who want to know my intentions after two dates, I didn't used to decide that early on!

He doens't sound like a player to me, he sounds quite honest when put on the spot. However, I would leave it now, show up for the third date and perhaps not have any conversations about where it's all heading. It's all supposed to be fun, and I'd then leave it to him to see what happened next. If he didn't call/text/make next date, at least you know where you are with it all.

By the way, I don't think it's bad to date more than one person at a time, and be honest about it. He hasn't done what lots of the men on here do which is profess undying love, then exhibit horrid controlling behaviour. He may be a nice enough man, but perhaps just not that into you but I don't think you can know that really.

Yes Hardgoing you are right.

The e-mail I sent was trying to be light-hearted and flirty but its essence was still, 'Soooo, what now?' Like you said, that was a mistake. At the time of writing I thought I had pitched it right, but clearly I hadn't.

Hopefully my second e-mail made it a bit clearer that I wasn't looking to tie him down immediately but had an open mind as to how things could go.

Wellnow I am a firm believer that if it is meant to be, it's meant to be, not a game to be played. If he likes you and also feels the spark, he won't be too put off by this small thing, and just get on with trying to see you again. If he is happy just to date around and you are not in his sights as a potential girlfriend, then again, this was probably true whether or not you emailed.

My now husband did lots of things 'wrong' (asking about our 'relationship' on the second date when I wasn't even aware we were in a relationship, etc) but bit by bit we crawled through the misunderstandings (and language barrier) to get together.

You emailed him as you weren't sure and kind of wanted to know if he liked you. That's not a crime. Try not to repeat it:) but I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

Would appreciate SGB's input on this if she's around, as well as everyone elses. Thanks to everyone who has posted

Well yes I don't dispute that Ruby. I realise that in my excitement at having finally found someone I really liked, I bolted out of the starting gate with a tad too much enthusiasm.

But this man is supposed to be phoning me tomorrow to make arrangements for our third date. And all evidence so far points to a man who does what he says he's going to do. I fully expect him to call. What do you suggest I do?

Bear in mind that you don't know him well enough yet to decide if you want to date him regularly. It's not a matter of 'How can I make him like me more?' By the fourth date he might suddenly reveal odd religious beliefs, or a fondness for looking in his hanky after he's blown his nose or something.
Don't send any more bleaty emails or texts, not even to apologise for the previous ones. Just don't refer to them again, relax, enjoy his company and do keep your options open for the moment.

Sounds like a plan. I'll leave it entirely up to him from this point on but stick to any arrangements instigated by him.

I do actually have another date coming up as well.

Like you say SGB we're still finding out about each other and I may well yet discover something I don't like: a fondness for free improvisation jazz perhaps, or a shoe tree collection. Perhaps he kicks his cat.

My gut feing was tgat he changed his mind when you spelled it out what would happen on the third date. If you are prepared for no more after that just in case then go and enjoy.

there is nothing wrong with what you asked, 'so what happens now'!

it was a question that you would ask someone after 2 dates. I think you need to leave it now. Don't put a downer on yourself, Don't make further contact.

See what happens.

Yes perhaps LBWSJ but we're both adults in our mid-late thirties. I would have thought it was fairly clear that if we saw each other again then sex would be on the cards in the next date or two.

And so far his manners have been impeccable. I've had more than my fair share of blokes making a clumsy lunge at me on the first date. We've kissed goodnight but its all been very polite. He certainly hasn't given the impression of being just after one thing.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter does it. I would like to see him again. And I would like to have sex with him because I really fancy him. We'll just have to see what happens after that I guess. We might be completely sexually incompatible - now that would be a disappointment.

But very much another thing to bear in mind Wellnow: wouldn't it be awkward if you (hypothetical you) chivvied the bloke into some show of commitment before getting nekkid and only then found out that he has a needledick or farts thunderously between thrusts or wants you to dress up as a Tellytubby or some such....

Go on the other date. Seems that you want more from this than he does and if you don't start putting a bit of energy somewhere else you will become your own self fulfilling prophecy and it will end in tears.

Yes I fully intend to go on the other date Mojito. But I want to go on this one too. It's got this far now. If he takes the steps necessary to set this third date up I don't want to then turn around and say no just because I suspect I may be more into him than he is into me.

Who knows how things may play out once we go on our third date and he can see that I've relaxed a bit. I know people say that the initial dynamics between people always set the tone for the duration of any possible relationship but I disagree and think that things can sometimes change.

Besides, the process of taking a step back has already begun. I'm busy with work and kids and remembering the million things I have to sort out today and the situation with matey already feels less important than it did yesterday. I'm feeling stronger and more grounded and more concerned with how I'm feeling than how he is. A bit of distance does wonders eh.