Have handled dating situation badly, not sure what to think - need advice please.

[Wellnowthisisawkward]

Went on two dates with new man. Fancied him rotten. Felt a real spark between us. Was certain he felt the same way due to body language, flirting, kiss at end of date e.t.c. - although of course now I realise this was a silly assumption to make.

After our second date I sent a playful, flirty e-mail, the jist of which was, 'So where do we go from here?'

He sent an e-mail back saying he very much enjoyed my company but was wondering about the distance between us. He then went into a spiel about how he had given me all his contact details, not out of politeness, but because he was really hoping we could stay in touch and get to know each other. However he did have other dates coming up and didn't want to make promises he couldn't keep. Could we just stay in touch and see how it went?

I sent an e-mail back saying yeah no problem.

But I thought about it and decided that I didn't want an e-relationship at all. Neither did I want to hang around indefinitely. So I wrote back saying that actually I didn't feel that would work for me - couldn't be arsed with e-mailing back and forth forever e.t.c. I said that if there had been no spark for him then that was cool, but if there had been I didn't see any reason to hold back. Surely there didn't need to be a monogamous committment to something serious in order to pursue things? We could see how things went, spend time together and still see other people if we wanted to. Couldn't we just get together in a couple of weekends time, go on our third date, have some dinner and drinks and maybe spend the night together like normal people?

He wrote back saying yes ok, he hadn't thought about it like that, and let's make arrangements to see each other soon.

I now feel awkward though. My gut instinct is telling me he's not into it and I should have just accepted it when he said (perhaps to let me down gently) to keep in touch and see how it went. He was supposed to call tonight and has just texted to say is it ok if he calls tomorrow as he is a bit 'under the weather.'

Gah - why don't people just say when they don't want to pursue things? Why all the fudging and messing about? I'm always straight with people. If I'm not feeling it I just say thank you, you're lovely, but I don't want to pursue things. It's not bloody hard!

I only want to meet with him again if he's properly into it. Part of me wants to say not to bother but I'll look insecure and sulky won't I, if I text to say, 'I can tell you're not feeling it so let's not bother.'

Phew, that was long. Help!!! What to do???

Ah. Have just recieved this e-mail:

"Hello. Can we take it a little slower I am feeling confused? I don't want to scare
you off but I need time to think? Hopefully this doesn't mean I am wasting your
time because I genuinely like you."

I have replied with this:

"Aw don't worry, it's fine. I realise I may have bolted out of the starting gate with a tad too much enthusiasm - too much too soon perhaps. Such is my way at times I'm afraid - bit of a tendency to just live in the moment and act before I think! I didn't mean to scare you off either. Let's just both back off a bit, relax and whatever will be will be eh. Take care."

I won't contact him again. Have deleted his number off my phone. What a bummer. Dontcha just love it when you make a total twat of yourself? It's my favourite actually.

My own personal feeling is that you are the one blowing hot and cold, not him. You wanted to know where it is going after two dates, then when he reasonably said he's not sure and is dating others but does like you, you are now deleting his number. I honestly thing this guy might well like you, but you are a bit all over the place. I would relax back and see what happens. I don't think he thinks you are a twat though, his email is pretty straightforward so don't be too harsh on yourself.

So you challenged what he said, he agreed with you, and changed his mind.

Your problem is?

Well I don't have a problem with him Arty, he's been nothing but straight forward, he hasn't done anything wrong.

I'm just a bit disappointed that's all, and a bit cross with myself for having handled it badly.

But hey, it was only two dates. I'll be fine in a day or two.

Never mind love. Next time, at least three months before you go anywhere near trying the 'Where's our relationship going?' chat.
And you never know. He might decide he likes you and wants to carry on.
And then he might turn out to have a cupboard full of farts in jars he wants to introduce you to by name.

Well I think I might just hold on to that image if it's all the same to you. It's cheering me up immensely!

I can't understand what you want - are you clear? Do you want a relationship, a friend with benefits or just a quick shag? I think any of the above are perfectly acceptable and don't really subscribe to this idea that you have to do lots of dating before getting into bed.

I'm not sure what I want really Queen. It's too early to tell. I just know I would like to see him again I guess, and take it from there.

What you want depends on the person in my experience, ie you may go into dating thinking you just want some good company and some sex from time to time but then you meet someone who blows you away and you decide that actually you would like a relationship with them. Same goes the other way round. In that you decide you would like a relationship ideally but then meet someone whom you like and fancy but don't actually see yourself committing to long term.

So... yeah. I don't know, is the answer to your question.

I think it's one you might want to think about. From your OP it sounds like you were suggesting friends with benefits to him. But then if after a while you find yourself falling for him and wanting more, that could be painful. Just make sure you take care of your heart.