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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me....

46 replies

Mobly · 19/01/2012 13:16

I don't even know where to post this but have always had brilliant relationship advice here so feel I ought to put it here.

I just need to get it off my chest. I'm a single parent with 2 pre-schoolers. I drunkenly slept with XP about 6 weeks ago, (did use protection but it clearly failed) and I 'm now bloody pregnant.

I'm in shock. I don't want another baby, I'm 30, my eldest is due to start school sept, and my youngest pre-school in 12mths. I was desperately looking forward to having older, independent children and getting my life back a bit and starting my own business :(

But.... I can't get rid of it, I couldn't live with that.

I don't feel I can tell anyone in RL yet, I'm fucking ashamed of my stupidity. What a mess.

I don't know what I'm asking but I could do with some support. I am going to have to start a career, baby or not, as I just can't live like this anymore and it feels like my life is ticking away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mobly · 19/01/2012 13:18

Oh and to add to my worries I've been taking Kalms, drinking far too much coffee and have took pain killers and anti histamines in the last month.

OP posts:
Musso · 19/01/2012 13:21

Have u got anyone who can help look after the baby if u went back to work? I would also find it hard to get rid of it but I also understand what u mean about starting all over again when ur starting to get some independence back

W0rmy · 19/01/2012 13:23

Is the XP the father of your other two? - could this be the reason for your feelings about termination or have you always felt that way about it?

  • sorry to pry, but it might be helpful to consider why you feel that way in order to put some things into perspective.
oldwomaninashoe · 19/01/2012 13:24

How Supportive is XP as regards to your Dc's?

Original poster
Mobly · 19/01/2012 13:25

Not really Musso. My mum and XP's mum have always worked. It would have to be nursery or CM but have always stayed at home with boys despite finding it a real struggle mentally at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mobly · 19/01/2012 13:32

Yes XP is the father of my 2 DCs. He sees them alot but only at mine. Will not get his own place to have boys there. He lives with his mum. He often does bath/bedtime. He is very grumpy and stresses me out so far from ideal. We split up because he was verbally abusive.

He is still capable of getting nasty now if he doesn't get his own way but I hang up or make him leave and it doesn't affect me emotionally anymore. The children aren't witness to his outbursts- I make sure of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mobly · 19/01/2012 13:33

Wormy, I just know in my heart I couldn't terminate.

OP posts:
Musso · 19/01/2012 13:33

I am on mat leave with c2 at mo and am desperate to get back to work part time u need that break away from them although u love them so much

planetpotty · 19/01/2012 13:34

This is definitely an oh fuck moment.. but it can and will work out for you Smile

It sounds as if your mind is made up re a termination so IMO you need to give yourself time to get used to the idea, finding out you are pregnant is always a huge deal and you have added pressures. Theres nothing wrong with sitting on the info for a while just so you can get your head round this.

Is there no chance of a reconciliation with your ex?

You will find your path through this, it probably seems very messy at the moment but you and your DC will be fine Smile

Original poster
Mobly · 19/01/2012 13:38

Thank you Planetpotty, that is a lovely message :)

I live in a 2 bedroom terrace, there is no space already. Oh dear.

In theory a reconciliation would be nice, I think everyone would rather be with the father of their children. However, the reality is that it would be a toxic, unhealthy atmosphere for the children. We have tried so many times. The example he was setting (and me by staying with him) was horrendous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mobly · 19/01/2012 13:39

Musso, that's the thing, I love my children, and I love babies but I was very adamant about 2 being enough when asked if I ever would have more!!

OP posts:
W0rmy · 19/01/2012 13:43

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine, had her two and was looking forward to school and pre-school.... and found out she was pregnant again.

She said oh, god I don't want to start all this again, it's just getting easier! which I guess is what you're feeling right now.

She had the baby and she's nearly two, the middle one is at school and it won't be long before the 'surprise baby' is at pre-school.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's not ideal and not in the plan, but, okay your career plans will just have to wait a little longer, things do have a way of panning out maybe different from what you'd thought - but still good.

Is there anyway you can get XP's mum on side to perhaps let him have the children there for contact time?

Lovingfreedom · 19/01/2012 13:43

Don't put off. Get some counseling/support so you can work out best option for you. Better to do it sooner rather than later especially as one of the options is termination. You were unfortunate rather than irresponsible if the contraception failed. It's never going to be easy to decide to have a termination but might turn out to be the better course for you at this point in your life, rather than bring a child into the world when the time is not right. Hope you can make a decision soon. Good luck and sorry you're in this position.

stubbornstains · 19/01/2012 13:44

Hello Mobly, you could put this one in childcare a little earlier? DS started going to the CM for an afternoon a week at the age of 5 months, since 18 months he's been going for 2.5 days a week, and to be honest I think it's good for him rather than the reverse- he certainly loves going there.

I'm starting my own business too- although it has yet to make any money Sad . You might want to do this sooner rather than later, as, for now, you can get tax credits as self-employed for running your own business. However, the govt are proposing to assume you earn at least the minimum wage for every hour you work at your business, and then deduct that from your TCs, thus kicking the ladder out from anybody who wants to do a low-(or zero)-capital business startup at their kitchen table. Nice work.

I researched KALMS a lot when I was pregnant, and couldn't find any proven ill effects on the foetus (although I didn't take them, just to be sure), so you should be OK on that front....Good luck!

Lovingfreedom · 19/01/2012 13:44

Alternatively, if you decide to have the baby...there are ways of working things out. You know if you've got kids already what's involved.

Original poster
Mobly · 19/01/2012 13:52

Stubbornstains, it's certainly a possibility. I am going to stop waiting now to start my own business. There is no point. I'm going to start with an online course.

I need to get proactive, if anything, to take my mind off it.

I have been feeling really tired during the afternoon, which is what got me thinking, that, and having a huge appetite. Bugger.

I am too embarassed to tell anyone too.

OP posts:
planetpotty · 19/01/2012 14:11

So just thinking about reconciliation (not in anyway saying it's the answer BTW) have you had proper counselling in the past?

Original poster
Mobly · 19/01/2012 14:36

No not exactly but it was really up to xp to get the counselling. He did begin a course for abusive men but stopped going when he decided to leave me. That was 12 mths ago. On iPhone now so excuse typos. My Internet connection on laptop is playing up.

OP posts:
planetpotty · 19/01/2012 14:57

I'm on mine also Smile the m, b and space bar are broken on the laptop! On mat leave so no money for new Smile

Could this be an option - I'm just sort of white boarding this not saying this is what I think you should do......

Once you are feeling able to talk to your ex - discussing creating a situation where you could begin to think about a reconciliation being possible.
So .... Counselling for his issues

Then

Counselling together as a couple - I know you've said you don't need the counselling it's him who does. I get completely where you're coming from but the relationship contains two people and the relationship was flawed. IME you both need tools to fix and move forward with your relationship together. It's not about blame Smile

Then take it from there very slowly - he doesn't have to live with you does he Smile

One thing I can hand on heart say through experience is people really can change Wink

Also theres no shame in counselling honestly. Me and a few of my friends have received counselling for differing issues and all of us said the same. We thought it would be useless mumbo jumbo and were just going through the motions or keeping the peace in going but in reality it was brilliant and not what we expected at all.

Uh oh it's coming to full on crash dip hour in pregnancy land skittles healthy snack time for you Grin

mojitomania · 19/01/2012 15:20

Wouldnt advise going back to an abusive ex OP. Well done for getting away.

Give one of these clinics a call, can't remember, think it maybe Marie Stokes, they have very good advice services and will run through all your options.

If you decide to keep the baby, where there's will theres always a way.

Good luck

Lovingfreedom · 19/01/2012 16:47

I really can't believe that anyone would recommend someone in this position go back to an abusive relationship. OP - take mojitomania's advice and get some support from somewhere that will be able to run through full set of realistic options and preferably from someone without a dogmatic set of beliefs (either way) on either marriage or abortion. You'll work out what you need to do and will cope whatever you decide to do. All the best.

BuenTiempo · 19/01/2012 17:08

I really can't believe that anyone would recommend someone in this position go back to an abusive relationship

but in a way she has gone back, thats how she got up the duff again :)

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 19/01/2012 17:09

You say you had unprotected sex with him and yet you claim you both cant be together because he is horrid. It doesnt add up. Were you desperate for a cock and just used him as last measure ? Hmm

Lovingfreedom · 19/01/2012 17:12

OK, BuenTiempo point taken... but just cos you made yourself a bloody awful bed, doesn't mean you have to lie in it!!

ArtVandelay · 19/01/2012 17:33

Shock at thetruth this is relationships not AIBU. Shame on you.

No advice OP except - don't get back with an abusive ex, he's not going to change really. How do you think your other DCs would be - excited? Confused? Good luck with what you decide.

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