Please help me....

[Mobly]

I don't even know where to post this but have always had brilliant relationship advice here so feel I ought to put it here.

I just need to get it off my chest. I'm a single parent with 2 pre-schoolers. I drunkenly slept with XP about 6 weeks ago, (did use protection but it clearly failed) and I 'm now bloody pregnant.

I'm in shock. I don't want another baby, I'm 30, my eldest is due to start school sept, and my youngest pre-school in 12mths. I was desperately looking forward to having older, independent children and getting my life back a bit and starting my own business :(

But.... I can't get rid of it, I couldn't live with that.

I don't feel I can tell anyone in RL yet, I'm fucking ashamed of my stupidity. What a mess.

I don't know what I'm asking but I could do with some support. I am going to have to start a career, baby or not, as I just can't live like this anymore and it feels like my life is ticking away.

Why is it that some posters just come on to have a fucking pop at people?

Read the OP TheTruth , none of what you added was in the least bit helpful, just a rather twatish way to conduct yourself

Ah, the joys of motherhood and marriage!

I'm just human thetruth- already said 'I'm fucking ashamed of my stupidity', did you want me to berate myself some more? Who would that help exactly?

I sort of expected someone to throw a bit of unhelpful criticism in somewhere on this thread- but I can take that, else I wouldn't have posted. For every plonker, there are many more decent, kind people on here :)

I'm not back with him, we were never married.

To be honest, being with him now would not be the solution, a reconciliation would only bring more grief. I doubt he will ever change and if he does I will be able to tell.

I did the pregnancy test today, sort of pleading in my head not to be pregnant, but it was positive. It's a big shock. I just had to tell someone, hence my thread, I will keep it to myself as long as possible in real life.

Practically, it is a big mess, and really, I was looking forward to my emerging independence during my 30's. I am not well off (but won't have to buy an awful lot & have a kind family), I am petrified of childbirth, I dislike being pregnant, but I just have to find the strength from somewhere to do this as the alternative I could not bear. (literally).

Artvandelay, I think the DCs would be excited :) I will be a sleep deprived mess if my first 2 are anything to go by.

Just off to put boys to bed, Ill be back later. It really is helping to discuss it. I feel calmer already.

A big fortifying hug for you, Mobly, you do have the strength, you do.

Hope you're feeling ok :)

So if reconciliation is not an option then I revert back to giving yourself time to accept this and come up with a plan for the practicalities of how this will work once your on an even keel.......but work it will and you have months to come up with your plan - no rush :)

Do you have a best friend or sister/mum you could talk to?

There's nothing to be ashamed of - really. How many people have slept with an ex and wished they hadn't..... Me for one....and more than once!

yes you do sound strong mobly, i think you'll be ok you know. hug

He did begin a course for abusive men but stopped going when he decided to leave me.

However, the reality is that it would be a toxic, unhealthy atmosphere for the children.

The best I can advise is to find a group and/or therapist to help you deal with this kind of man/father in your family...

Hi Mobly, just thought I'd point you in the direction of something I wish I could have read some years back when I was 'unexpectedly' expecting. This is from a review:

There are not many cheery stories about abortion. One of the best can be found in Chapter 15 of Caitlin Moran's new bestseller, How to be a Woman. It is a fearless account of how she terminated a pregnancy (she already had two children), unpicking in forensic detail the emotions she went through ? and none of them was as she, or we, might have expected. In place of angst, trauma, and regret, she experienced certainty, relief and confidence she had done the right thing.

If you get a chance, try to have a look at that chapter. Not trying to push you in the direction of a termination at all - I couldn't make that decision either, but reading this may have helped me to think more clearly at the time.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Thank you for the support :)

Planetpotty, I don't feel ready yet to discuss with my mum/sister/XP. My mum is lovely but I think she will be gutted for me or disappointed and she won't hide it and I just can't deal with that right now.

XP is sure to be of no particular help, I don't think he will be massively traumatised one way or another, as it's not his life that will massively change again. He will promise the earth and then fail to deliver- it's best to just get on with it all myself (I will tell him when the time's right) .

I do have some very good friends, I am just a bit too embarassed at the moment- they all know what my plans were for this year and I have expressed on more than one occasion how strongly I felt about 2 being enough. I feel silly.

I just feel like I need to deal with it myself for a while, eat healthy, but carry on as normal while I decide what to do about the house, career etc.

It's understandable to feel that way and get it but please don't feel ashamed/silly - life is like this sometimes don't beat yourself up - you can still achieve your dreams :)

Hope you're ok Mobly

Couple-counselling won't work with an abusive man.
TheTruth: OH FFS! The OP was horny and drunk and, like all abusive men, the XP will be capable of being pleasant sometimes and might well be a good shag.
It's just rotten luck that conception took place.

Mobly, I terminated a pregnancy some years ago, fell pregnant when DD1 was a year old. living abroad with a fuck head of a partner. Knew there was no help, there was no where to run to. We were already in difficulties, had split up twice, got back togehter and the pregnancy was the result of sex he forced upon me. I knew that I if were to have a future as a single parent, which I knew I would be pretty soon, then this was the only way to do it.
Regret? Occasional but not that often. More often than not see myself as having a lucky escape, orchestrated by myself. He has gone on to prove himself the most useless waste of flesh. I am glad not to inflict him on another human.
Those were my reasons.

Planetpotty, I've accepted my fate, having the odd down moment but then just think I got myself into this mess so I just need to get on with it.

I think it's the pregnancy and birth that is the part I need to get through. I wasn't ready to sacrifice another 9 mths of my life not being able to eat/drink what I wanted, which I realise sounds silly, but being pregnant is a bore, especially single and pregnant.

Although I must admit that I am excited about the baby (as tough as I know it will be)- I think it's difficult not to be excited about a baby isn't it?

I'm dreading dropping DS1 off to school in september with DS2 (who will be nearly 3) and a newborn in tow. Argh, was looking forward to life getting easier not harder.

SGB, yep, that pretty much sums it up! And it is rotten luck, I'm 30, I used contraception, it failed.

Lolaflores, I'm sorry for what you went through, I hope you're OK now.

All I can do now is make the best of the situation I'm in. I'm telling myself that having 3 children will be wonderful, it's just a few more baby years to get through.

I will make a start on my chosen career path regardless. I have already looked at a course that starts in May.

Good woman. all the very best

Just wanted to drop in and say I hope you're getting on ok

Thank you Planetpotty :) I have told one of my close friends and she was lovely and supportive. It was good to get it off my chest.

Also told XP, who is being very nice at the moment, so I'm making the most of it while it lasts!

Will tell everyone else when it is unavoidable.

mobly ignore fuckheads who make pointless criticims on your thread

you sound like you are strong, and sorted and do want this baby

kudos to you for being quite clear going back to an abusive partner is the wrong thing to do here

I wish you all the best, and I have faith you will be ok, and so will your dc x

So glad you're getting on ok