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Original poster

DH Leaving

30 replies

tmtch · 19/01/2012 09:40

My DH left the family home just before Christmas, having made his wish to leave known at the beginning of December. He agrred to go to Relate once but has point blank refused to return. I am struggling to deal with my emotions let alone those of our DC. He won't talk about why and has said that if I have any questions about the breakdown of our marriage then I should email him. Should I?

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 19/01/2012 09:45

What an odd thing to say.

Do you want to send the e-mail? Do you want to do it for you so that you can tell him how his departure made you feel?

Can you handle it going unanswered? or being full of things that wil be hard to hear?

Or, do you think it will help you to have his reasons in black and white for all eternity, so you can return to them and have it confirmed that it is a good thing the marriage ended? (in case his response proves that he is a deluded twat, for example)

Lovingfreedom · 19/01/2012 09:51

Possibly an email with just one question: what the hell is going on? This sounds very strange.

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/01/2012 09:53

Sorry, but he has another woman.

Men do not suddenly leave their home comforts and family for no reason - the fact that he won't talk about it shows that he knows he is in the wrong.

TopazMortmain · 19/01/2012 09:54

Email? EMAIL?

Angry

Good grief.

TopazMortmain · 19/01/2012 09:56

Sorry disproportionate reaction there to your post but if it was my DH I'd be emailing him the details of our divorce lawyer.

Happylander · 19/01/2012 10:00

Totally agree with madabouthotchoc men don't just walk out unless it is for another woman. Mine just left and refused to talk about it or see me and it was because of another woman.

I have wasted my time trying to understand his behaviour when there really is no point. Most of his answers..if he does answer...would be lies I think.

Sorry to hear about him leaving you though.

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/01/2012 10:03

The best thing you can do is to see a solicitor, take steps to protect yourself legally and financially and make sure he can't get access to joint accounts etc. They often take all the cash and empty bank accounts when they leave.

catherinea1971 · 19/01/2012 10:08

How totally disrespectful to you and your dc's!
Do you know where he is staying?
I also agree go to a solicitor and file for divorce, this man is such a cowardly bastard!

Original poster
tmtch · 19/01/2012 10:47

There is OW. He admitted it at relate. I know where he is if he's at the address he says he is. It's 100+ miles away, where he's based. Have seen a solicitor for advice. He doesn't know that. Not in a place to make long term decisions yet, but seem to have a handle on the practical matters. He's coming back to see DC soon. Think I might make myself scarce and try to recharge some long dead batteries

OP posts:
LadyMedea · 19/01/2012 10:53

what truly odd behaviour.... I would email him and ask the basic questions:

What are his plans regarding the marriage?
What are his plans regarding the DCs?
What are his plans regarding the finances?

You also need to ask yourself the same questions? and also... did you see this coming? Are you happy/unhappy in the relationship (ignoring recent events)? Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis is a good start if you want to have some clues on how to act if you do still want to stay. And go to Relate on your own if you can afford it, they see individuals as well as couples.

BeattieBow · 19/01/2012 10:56

my H did a similar thing. he won't tell me what went wrong with our marriage on the basis that if I shouldn't need to ask.

I persisted for a few weeks desperately trying to find out what his views were, and why he had walked out on our marriage. But now have stopped. If I were you I would ask for an email, but then leave it at that.

My view is that my husband has changed not me, he decided to walk out not me, and only he can change his view of me - I can't make him love me. I've made it clear that I'm not going to wait around for him though. And actually he does seem to be wavering - although that wasn't my intention, and now I'm thinking that I'm better off without him anyway.

Sorry that isn't very helpful.

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/01/2012 11:05

Glad you have an explanation for his decision to leave (i.e OW) and that you have seen a solicitor.

There is nothing you can do about him except to move on, rebuild your life and perhaps seek some counselling for yourself if you need it. Take care.

Lovingfreedom · 19/01/2012 11:06

If there is another woman, he's left and doesn't want to talk about it...leave it at that. He's not going to email you anything useful. I know that you probably 'need to know' but he's not going to tell you, you're only putting yourself through more stress and aggravation by asking and you know enough already to know he's unfortunately not worth it and there's nothing you can do about that. Do like others have suggested, get the legals sorted and take steps to get your life together without him. It's not easy...but I think you'll find friends and kindness from the most unlikely places and you'll come through stronger and eventually happier out of this relationship. Sorry for what you're going through. Good luck.

Punkatheart · 19/01/2012 11:09

I always have to put this into the mix - but there are MANY reasons that people leave a marriage. It does not always have to be another woman. Mine went because he had a work-related breakdown and he needed to be on his own, to sort out his feelings. He is currently having counselling.

But asking you to send him an email, when you have been in a marriage?!! I would have blown up with fury. What a coward! If there are problems, then surely he could go to Relate with you again - he owes you that much. Or to explain.

I am so sorry that you are going through this - it is hellish, isn't it?

Keep talking but don't let him have the upper hand in any way.

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/01/2012 11:17

OP has just said that there is OW.

Punkatheart · 19/01/2012 11:27

Sorry - for some bizarre reason, I must have missed that bit. Many apologies. But even so - our OP deserves some answers. Bugger.

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/01/2012 11:32

I agree she deserves answers but the reality is that if she does get any, these will be based on lies and his rewriting of history in order to justify his selfish decision to shag OW rather than staying to resolve problems/issues.

Lovingfreedom · 19/01/2012 11:38

Chances of getting answers from the kind of guy who won't even speak to her face to face are slim to zero. Presumably if he feels any need to explain himself then he can email her. He's adding insult to injury by insisting that she put any questions in writing. Who the hell does he think he is...unbelievable. OP - I know this must be a nightmare at the moment. I have a feeling though that in time you will look back at this and see it for what it is and see him for what he is. Pathetic, cowardly, heartless waste of space - put it in writing? Shove it up your !!!

ISayHolmes · 19/01/2012 11:47

" these will be based on lies and his rewriting of history in order to justify his selfish decision to shag OW rather than staying to resolve problems/issues."

So very true. It's disheartening how often this happens. I find it shocking how those who have affairs manage to twist it in their minds so that they feel like they have a legitimate grievance against their partner. Even getting angry at them, though they were the one who had the affair and chose to leave.

I'm really sorry OP, but I think trying to get answers and opening up to him could earn you a lot of confusion and pain, and anger from him if you try and talk about what he's done. People like him can't accept that they are the "bad guy", so they may very well make you it instead in order to justify why they cheated and left. Please be prepared for this being a possibility.

Lovingfreedom · 19/01/2012 12:05

OP could ask us the questions and we'll answer them on his behalf:

  • Why did you have an affair? What he says: Because you didn't give me enough attention; What he means: Because I could and wanted to
  • When did it start? What he says: I told you as soon as it started; What he means: I told you when OW threatened to tell you or it became public knowledge
  • Where did you do it? What he says: definitely not in our bed/car/old haunts; what he means: wherever and whenever I got the chance and wherever was convenient for me
  • Who knows about it? What he says: No-one we were always discrete because I respect you so much; What he means: All my mates and everyone at work
  • Why didn't you tell me sooner? What he says: Because I didn't want to hurt you; what he means: Are you mad? Cake and eat it mean anything to you?
  • How could you tell me all those lies? What he says: Because you are so suspicious and I can't be open with you because you would over-react. What he means: so I could get away with it
  • How could you do this to us? What he says: I never meant it to happen - it just happened. What he means: erm...don't understand the question
  • Why won't you talk to me about it? What he says: Because you wouldn't understand/would go crazy/wouldn't believe me; What he means: because I can't be bothered/don't want to deal with consequences of my actions
Lovingfreedom · 19/01/2012 12:10

Final question... would you consider giving us one more chance if we both really make an effort to mend our relationship? What he says: You'll need to give me some time and space to think about that; what he means: is that freshly baked cakes I can smell...gonna get to have them and eat them all over again!!

sternface · 19/01/2012 14:07

I like LovingFreedom's post above. She is exactly right. You won't get the truth if you asked him, because it's quite simple. He had an affair and he did it because he could. There are often no other complex reasons. You should refuse to deal with him by E mail about this and tbh, I would stop asking because it is of no consequence. Carry on with some counselling for you though and insist he fulfils his parenting and financial responsibilities.

Original poster
tmtch · 20/01/2012 09:29

Thank you. I agree in my heart of hearts with Lovingfreedom and am not going to lower myself to his level so no email. Am not in a place to make long term or hasty decisions so as long as he still gives me the money am going to sit tight and sort my head (and heart) out first. He's the one that's left and I'm picking up the pieces so he can initiate anything further. Wish I could feel angry and not so desolate, but guess that will come. Anyway he's coming to see DC this weekend so am going to have a much needed break

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 20/01/2012 12:02

Well done. You're being really strong and practical. You're right about the anger...it does help...and I think it will come! Take care and make the most of your much needed break so look after yourself. x

knitpicker · 20/01/2012 12:35

No help at all to OP but I just wanted to tell Lovingfreedom how much I enjoyed her post!