AIBU to stay married because I can't bear the thought of a stepmother?

[YouCanDoItYesYouCan]

As the title says really. (D)H and I haven't lived together for over a year after I found out about something pretty disturbing which I considered cheating.

He has mental health problems, but is able to work full time in a good job. We don't really get on and IMO he has controlling tendencies. He does give me quite a bit of practical support and we occasionally have days out together etc. We have one DD who will be 3yo soon.

It has been a massive relief to me to live on my own. However, I'd like to have more children, and I kind of think it would be nice for DD to have full siblings so they have exactly the same situation and can understand each other.

But what's sometimes making me have sleepless nights is the idea of DD's dad meeting someone new who will try to be her mum, impose her ideas and standards, dislike me/feel threatened by me, and lots of other horrible things. I read the step parenting forum sometimes, and it seems so awful to me. I know it's hard for stepmums too, and obviously they can only write from their perspective, but it would be so horrible to be seen as this controlling, demanding nuisance who insists on having a place in her own DD's life. I can't even think about holidays.

People keep saying no one can replace DD's real mum, as long as I make sure she has a stable home and a good relationship with me it'll all be alright, but I just can't bear the thought of someone else having so much influence on DD's life.

What should I do?

Look at it differently?

You don't own your children. Another adult may well add to, and enhance her life? Many influential people will come into your dd's life. Friends parents, teachers etc...... You can't prevent it

Really sorry to hear about your problems. But I think you need to step back and look at this situation in a more objective fashion. The non-existent stepmum is a total red herring, and really isn't remotely relevant to your situation.

You say you are willing to stick with an intolerable relationship, with someone you suspect has MH issues, because:

"I'd like to have more children, and I kind of think it would be nice for DD to have full siblings so they have exactly the same situation and can understand each other. "

Are you married to Michael Jackson? Is he v.v. rich? Seriously, what on earth does this guy bring to the table to make you feel the above is an acceptable reason for sticking with him and having another child/ children together?

If he is such a loon, is he really likely to be able to replace you so quickly? Why do you think he will be able to find a new partner so quickly if you separate for good? IS he REALLY v.v rich? Or has he just convinced you that he will be fighting off the gasping women who are CHOKING for it the minute you are off the scene?

Olympia - I know, you do have a point, but teachers only have a say about school-related things. DD goes to nursery, so I'm used to lots of talk about her key person etc. but someone with 'mum status' would be more difficult.

Lapsed - he's really not rich at all, or especially good-looking at the moment. But he is very extremely good at putting on a capable, charming front and people are easily taken in by him, so I wouldn't be surprised. I can't imagine anyone fancying me ever again, or finding me interesting in the slightest. I just think it would be easier, admin wise, to have the same dad for all my children.

Your DC won't ever have full siblings unless you have more children with your ex.

I just think it would be easier, admin wise, to have the same dad for all my children.

Who said romance was dead?

OP, you sound like you're just desperately looking for excuses not to see that this relationship is dead in the water. Because if you were really looking to the future without this man, that wouldn't be the perspective you'd take, I think.

So are you seriously considering getting back with your ex just so no one else can have him, just because one day your DD may have a stepmum? For "admin" reasons?!!!

You have absolutely no idea what the future holds. All you've got to go on is the information you have now - your ex is a cheating controlling man and you don't want to be with him.

You cannot make decisions based on possible future children or possible future stepmums that may never even happen.

And you don't know that you'll never meet anyone else. Honestly!

Stepmums aren't always bad. My ds has one (sort of, she's not married my exp yet). She's a lovely person, has lots of time for him but doesn't interfere. I really like her actually, sometimes I phone her if im unsure about something. She probably thinks i'm a pain in the ass!

Listen my dear, I left my ex when I was 38. I was 41 when I married my lovely DH - I was a single mum with a 6 year old DS!

If he is neither rich nor particularly good looking, then the only women he will blag into the sack are likely to be rather dim slappers. Seriously. I speak from experience. Honestly, you should see the sad trollops my ex managed to bed after I left him. Utterly pitiful.

Please don't be fooled by his glib smarmy chat-up routines - I bet most women on the receiving end of his spiel are thinking "what a nobber". Most of it is an act designed to make you feel insecure anyway, my ex used to chat up women in fromt of me all the time. It was a real shock to discover his male friends all thought he was a laughing stock as a result....

After we split - even his best friends admitted he'd been punching above his weight for YEARS whilst going out with me, but he was the only person too stupid to recognise the fact.

Thefroggy - that sounds ideal, lucky you.

Lapsed - he doesn't chat people up in front of me or anything like that. What I meant is he puts on a front with everyone: colleagues, friends, our Relate counsellor. It's difficult to describe. It's mostly that no one else gets to see the morose, whingy, complaining, negative side of him, instead they get 'witty' comments and 'cute' self-deprecating jokes.

I can't see him not ever meeting anyone. And I don't want 'trollops' in DD's life 50% of the time. It would obviously be satisfying if they weren't as great as I am , but not if they have an influence on her safety and stability.

If I give up on our marriage, the age gap between DD and a potential sibling would be huge, and I dont want that.

Not all step mothers are horrible. My twins stepmother is lovely. She can do things that I'm rubbish as - such as make amazing cupcakes for the bake sales as school, and is fantastic at IT (its her job) so she can sort out all the technical issues we have with laptops, ipods etc.

My kids love her and it actually enriches their lives having her. They also have a stepfather who can do things their Dad is not so good at, like play chess and teach diy skills. I think between the 4 of us we do a pretty good job of raising them. Plus it's great to have extra people to help out with childcare over school holidays.

There CAN be benefits to step families. It's probably just that the people posting on a step parenting forum are more likely to be experiencing difficulties. I don't post on their as I just don't have any problems with it so it wouldn't occur to me to go over there.

The thing is though, you might think that you're keeping your relationship struggles/problems away from your DD, but in reality she will be absorbing everything, the subtle signs, the control techniques, the self-deprecating nature, the absence of the things which make up a good relationship, even, she is absorbing all this and it will be forming her view of what is "normal" in a relationship, of what kind of thing is acceptable, etc. In trying to protect her from some unknown demon, you're in reality keeping her stuck with one which you're most likely minimising the reality of. But really, would you be happy if she grew up to have a relationship like yours? Or would you want better for her? Because I think if you want better for her, you have to show her by example that this is not a good enough relationship.

I'm a step-mum - I don't bite. Honestly, even our darkest days of blended family issues sound like paradise compared to your life and the wierdness of your situation.

I think your ex's behaviour has messed your thinking up a bit. I think some counselling would be helpful to see how you can move on from this and build a happier life and future for you and your daughter.

My DSC's were 10 and 7 when my DS was born so a fairly big age gap. I think its why they like him so much, never had any jealousy issues and they are old enough to do stuff with him so they sort of took ownership of him as soon as he was old enough to be carried around and played with.

I feel quite sad that people think a blended family is automatically a shameful or problematic thing. I could tell you plenty of stories about what living with parents who hate each other does to a person. Berties pretty much spot on.

I know all about living with parents who hate each other - it's how I grew up.

I've had counselling - LOTS of it. It has been extremely helpful, but I still struggle immensely with the stepparent/wanting a baby issue.

It's great that some step mums are nice capable people. But it would also be uncomfortable if DD's potential stepmum turned out to have a better job than me, and be a better role model.

I know it's a weird situation, that's why I'm asking for advice.

You've got big self-esteem problems I think. "But it would also be uncomfortable if DD's potential stepmum turned out to have a better job than me, and be a better role model." Are you worried she'll oust you or something? Look, I'm no wonder woman but I know I'm the best Mum for my DS - I'm a good person and if Dh buggered off with someone who owned a hedge-fund I know I'm still no.1 in DS eyes. But DS would probably get some really big Xmas gifts :)

If your husband is such an idiot as you say he's not going to be bringing some gorgeous, rich lady home, now is he. This is really about you and your fears for yourself - I think more counselling is maybe needed. Sometimes these things take years of therapy.

I think it's absolutely reasonable to feel this way, however, like a lot of things in life, it wouldn't be sensible to act on those feelings.

To put it another way, is this what you would want for your DD when she's an adult, or would you want her to be brave and not accept second best?

My self esteem is probably not great right now. But definitely already a lot better than it used to be.

H isn't great, but he managed to fool me into thinking he was, so he'll probably succeed with another woman too.

Another factor making me reluctant to break things off completely is that I want to move back to where I grew up, which is a 6-8hr trip from here. H has categorically stated he would not allow DD to go with me, but he says he would be willing to consider moving there together at some point in the future, but only if we stay together. I really miss home and want DD to spend some time there, and a court would not be totally on board with my plan (have sought legal advice about this).

This is truly odd. You haven't lived with him for a year? But you want more kids with him because you already feel threatened by a non existent step mother in your kids future?

The only solution to this is to work on your own issues. Extreme jealousy Luke this isn't healthy.

Like.

It seems like your goals, one more baby and moving back home would be acheivable if you were together? Is he selling this to you to try and make you get back together with him? Its very unhealthy and controlling if he is. Can you see a way of acheiving your goals without doing what he wants?

The other thing is of course that fate might intervene and he takes up with another woman and has a child and so creating the step-mum / step sibling scenario you want to avoid. Not trying to upset you but just showing you that you arent really in control of this anyway and maybe a new line of thinking / planning would be empowering for you.

WRT the legal advice about moving. Is he actually a good parent and contibuting in a positive way to DD? - what I mean is, if he is a crap parent (and only if he is) could you apply for an assessment that would mean a court would be more accepting of less frequent contact allowing you to move.

It seems to me that the word 'step' (mum or dad) is bandied about too much these days. If the child is seeing his parents post split and they are co parenting then the partner of that parent has no say in the raising of the child. A step parent is one who is in place of an absent parent due to abandonment or death.

Simples really. If I met someone who had children and they had a mother I wouldn't dream of giving them 'parental advice', nor would I be happy for my ex's partner to suddenly start attending parent's evening.[--78

The cat jumped onto the laptop and posted!

So, the position is you don't like him or find him attractive whatsoever, but would like to use his sperm and prevent him finding someone who does like him?

Sorry to be a bit harsh, but you do sound rather...distanced from the situation, you haven't lived together for a year and would leave him, except you want full siblings. What about him?! You may not think he's very nice, but I can't actually see what he's done wrong other than have MH problems and be less nice behind closed doors than when out in public (which most people are).

You have every right not to love your husband, but I'm not sure you have every right to have more children with him even though you don't love him, see no prospect of loving him and are doing it for 'admin' reasons.

I can understand you would be worried and jealous of any step-parent, but have you not considered the possibility you too could find someone else, that you actually like? I think you are focusing on the step-parent issue to stop facing up to the reality of the actual situation, which is that you are separated, don't love or like your husband, and this is making you very anxious.