AIBU to stay married because I can't bear the thought of a stepmother?

[YouCanDoItYesYouCan]

As the title says really. (D)H and I haven't lived together for over a year after I found out about something pretty disturbing which I considered cheating.

He has mental health problems, but is able to work full time in a good job. We don't really get on and IMO he has controlling tendencies. He does give me quite a bit of practical support and we occasionally have days out together etc. We have one DD who will be 3yo soon.

It has been a massive relief to me to live on my own. However, I'd like to have more children, and I kind of think it would be nice for DD to have full siblings so they have exactly the same situation and can understand each other.

But what's sometimes making me have sleepless nights is the idea of DD's dad meeting someone new who will try to be her mum, impose her ideas and standards, dislike me/feel threatened by me, and lots of other horrible things. I read the step parenting forum sometimes, and it seems so awful to me. I know it's hard for stepmums too, and obviously they can only write from their perspective, but it would be so horrible to be seen as this controlling, demanding nuisance who insists on having a place in her own DD's life. I can't even think about holidays.

People keep saying no one can replace DD's real mum, as long as I make sure she has a stable home and a good relationship with me it'll all be alright, but I just can't bear the thought of someone else having so much influence on DD's life.

What should I do?

Dworkin - yes, I agree, but then there are these threads on here about dads' new wives who will go to parents evenings even when the dad doesn't go, or doing activities with the child that they know the mum isn't ok with. That's my worst nightmare.

H isn't linking staying together and moving in an obvious way, but it's a kind of implied thread iyswim.

He's an ok dad I suppose. He sees DD a lot, and he's certainly good enough for the court. But there are still aspects of his parenting that bother me, like - DD watched a lot of tv when at his, his flat can get extremely messy, he only gives her 2 different (but quite healthy) meals, and he's rubbish at emotional stuff like when she's having a tantrum or upset etc. I know they're seen as ridiculous concerns by most people, but it's just not how I wanted DD's life to be.

Actually OP I can see your point. I don't think it's good for your DD (or any future DC) for you to stay together but I can see how you arrived at thinking it would be more straightforward to stay with him. I'm happy with my DP, but I see the splitting/up and step-parenting threads and I do think it must be unbearable to have to hand your DC over to a difficult ex and/or ex's new partner. I know sometimes it all works out but it's something I would dread, and I don't know how people bear it.

On top of that you are definitely right that certain mental health problems do involve being very good at being charming and putting on a front - that is well-known and you are right he could find someone else. (And you being taken in by him is not your fault.)

However I think you need to find your courage, end this relationship, and look into moving if that's what you want. Can your H really forbid you to take DD? I'm assuming she's lived primarily with you for the past year? He has MH issues - is that known by the medical profession? I don't think he's in a very strong position to be bossing you about. Stand up to him, calmly but firmly, while taking steps to ensure your DD's happiness.

Ladyword - thank you, that was a really nice post. I don't know how other mums can bear to hand over their DC to another woman either.

Yes he can forbid me to move with DD - we'd then have to go to court where it would be decided what's in DD's best interest. But court proceedings can be very damaging for children so I'm keen to avoid this scenario. Plus, as said before, court might not agree my plans would be good for DD.

H is seeing GP occasionally as he's on medication for his mental health.

Yes, he could get a prohibited steps order

And for what it's worth, the courts wouldnt give 2 hoots about a bit if mess, tv or meals. You need to get your head round all this. MH issues are not always an issue either.

He would have a case for 50/50 residency as well, this is becoming more and more the norm

My step mother brought me up from the age of two. We have a good relationship as do my mother and I overall. I don't value one more over the other. They are both important to me.

I am separated and a step mother coming on the scene is the least of my worries. Maybe I am just really laid back about it because of my own experiences or confident enough to know my children love me and I am their mother, simple as.

It certainly wasn't a reason I would have stayed with the ex for!

Olympia - I know all of that, hence this thread.

Natasha - I don't know your DSD's story, so obviously I don't know why she lives with you. But as good as your relationship with her mum sounds, don't you think it's awful for her mum not to live with her full time? Or that you paid for braces & college? Obviously it's great for your DSD that she didn't have to miss out, and very generous and responsible of you, but surely her mum feels at least a little guilty about it.

Well then you will also know there is nothing you can do to prevent a for your dd, coming on the scene. Nothing.

As for staying married, well that won't work if you aren't living together properly.

Does your dc have anyone else in his life important, like grandparents or a favourite aunt or a godparent? More than one person can be a life-enhancer for children, but it doesn't mean that you as the mum wouldn't be important. Why would you feel threatened if someone else cared for your child or paid for their braces, they are not your possession. YOu will always be so important to your child, nothing can threaten that.

Did you see this article today in the Mail (sorry to pollute these pages) but this person also seems to be very jealous that a new girlfriend might come into their ex's life:

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2088534/Why-Ill-NEVER-let-exs-new-girlfriend-meet-son.html

Sorry, I never click on Daily Mail links.

I know in theory I'll always be DD's only mum. I don't even know what I'm worried about. That someone else wouldn't always have her best interests at heart, or be closer to her than I am, stuff like that. It just makes me queasy just thinking about it.

No family near us! So in theory stepparents would double our people/babysitter pool.

Are you the woman from the Daily Mail?

Haha, I'm most certainly not!!

What Ladyword said.
I can see where your coming from and I stayed with my very abusive ex far longer than I should have not just because I was scared of the war that he would wage on us but also because of what you've said. He is extremely difficult and nasty and the idea that he would get with someone equally abusive, nasty and neglectful was just too much to bear.

Big hugs to you, its crap isn't it. Damned if you do, damned if you don't xxx

Thanks babyhammock. Sorry to hear about your situation. How did you solve it? It definitely helps to hear from others who have been in the same or a similar boat. The stern talkings-to also help me see sense a bit!

that daily mail woman defies belief