Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just found DP has cheated yet again. What do i do now?

41 replies

blackout23 · 18/01/2012 14:52

Hi i am sorry if this is a bit long but i would appreciate any advice

I'm just a young mum (23) and have been in a stressful relationship for the past 2 years with a man whom i love very much (he is 36). He has cheated on me three times in the past (1 that i can prove, 2 that i can't but i know he did because i read the texts which he then deleted) and i have discovered last night that he has been cheating yet again. Over the past few weeks we have moved into a new area and bought a house together. I thought he was happy and that he was finished all his cheating and carrying on behind my back. The past few weeks he has been distant, hiding his phone, never being in the house, staying out all night and hasn't even kissed me in 5 weeks.

Last night he finished work and sat downstairs with the door closed for 2 hours on his phone. I went downstairs at midnight and found him sitting looking guility. he jumped up and his phone went straight into his pocket. We went to bed and he fell asleep almost instantly. His phone was constantly vibrating as if he was getting new texts all the time. this was 1 o clock in the morning so i picked up his phone and saw that he had several messages on live profile which i didn't know he had. I have the app on my phone so i put his email address in and guessed his password within minutes. he only had 1 contact which was a woman i had never heard of or met before. I looked at his profile and i was actually sick. His display pic was of this woman playing with herself which she had obviously sent him. I didn't sleep last night at all.

I woke up this morning and there was a message from her saying we still meeting tonight. I saw this as an opportunity so i pretended to be him and she was quite forthcoming with information about what they were going to be doing that evening. I was sick again.

I completely lost it and confronted him about it which is not like me at all. He actually stood there and denied it. Saying he never knew her that someone was pretending to be him and winding him up, that he had never heard of live profile etc etc. I showed him the proof i had and he just sat in silence whilst i screamed at him.

I told the woman who i was and she was shocked she had no idea he had a girlfriend and child. He had lied about his age, where he stayed and everything. She said she met him just after Christmas and she had seen him almost every day since. Thats 3 weeks of constant cheating. He even spent my birthday with her.

I feel sick. I can't eat, sleep or even concentrate. I don't know what to do. I have forgiven him so many times in the past but i honestly don't know if i can do it this time because it feels as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

We do have a child and we have just bought a house together so it's going to be really hard to walk away and i know i can't afford the house by myself. We have a spare bedroom do you think that sleeping in seperate rooms for a bit would help? I really don't know what to do.

I love him but i am so hurt and upset that i can't even look at him. I don't trust him at all.

Are the house, child, money worries etc enough for us to stay together or should love and trust come first?

Any advice would be much appreciated thank you

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 18/01/2012 14:55

How many times does he need to show you that he couldn't care less? I know it's hard but you should want so much more from a partner. If you stay with him then accept that things won't change.

AKissIsNotAContract · 18/01/2012 14:56

Is the house in joint names? I think you need to get some advice about your finances and then split with this man. If he's cheated several times he's not going to change.

The child should be a reason for you to split really, you don't want to teach a daughter that this is what she has to put up with in a relationship, or a son that this is how men behave to their partners.

Bluebell99 · 18/01/2012 14:56

It sounds like even if you forgive him, he is just going to do it again and again, and you deserve more than that. Sorry got to go and pick my kids up.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2012 14:58

You are asking what you should do ?

really, you need to ask ?

I am sorry, love

This is the second thread I have answered in 5 minutes where I say "he isn't going to stop"

Accept he will always cheat, or decide you will not live like this

Your choice, because you will not change him

marmiteandjam · 18/01/2012 15:00

Time to leave I'm afraid.

Sorry.

blackout23 · 18/01/2012 15:00

I suppose i thought that over time he would change but it is really obvious that he doesn't love me. I actually don't think he loves anyone and he never shows emotion at all so i don't know if its something connected to his past or anything like that. Not that it's an excuse there was no need for him to cheat on me at all.

I am going to tell him to stay away for a few days then let him back into the spare room. I will go and speak to my solicitor about the house because it is in joint names.

Thank you all i just wanted to hear it from other people that don't know us about what we should do.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/01/2012 15:02

I am really sorry

Make sure he goes, and in the meantime harden your heart against the inevitable charm offensive

AmberLeaf · 18/01/2012 15:06

Men like that cheat because they want to and because they can.

He wont change ever

kodachrome · 18/01/2012 15:07

He has cheated on you multiple times in the two years of your relationship and was unfaithful on your birthday. If you stay with him, he will continue cheating on you, no question. He's no respect for you and will lie in your face despite you having seen the evidence.

You really should take that scary step of going it alone. Walk away, do.

Love shouldn't be painful. A relationship shouldn't be this hard. You can't make it work on your own. A house isn't a reason to stay together. A child should grow up in a happy secure home - which you can't provide together if he is going to constantly cheat and smash your self-esteem and make you so unhappy.

MaryPoppinsMagic · 18/01/2012 15:10

If you 'forgive' this man again he will continue to cheat + lie and treat you like shit on his shoes.

Do you think you deserve to be treated this way?

Do you want your child to grow up believing that its ok to treat their partner like crap??

I think you know what you need to do. Sod the house, sell it get your money and leave. Show this arsehole sorry excuse for a man and be an independent woman without him and his lies!..

< Apologies for the Jeremy kyle channelling there>

Rebekmah · 18/01/2012 15:15

I'm so sorry, what a horrible, horrible man. 3 affairs in 2 years?! He wont change my love and if he's doing it this soon into the relationship, that should tell you something. Please protect yourself and your dc. x

QueenPodling · 18/01/2012 15:19

I've been in this situation. You have two choices really, you can leave him despite the difficult circumstances or you can stay with him.
If you stay, both you and he will know you have done so despite him already cheating on you four times. If he knows you'll put up with such behaviour, there's no reason for him to stop doing it.

QueenPodling · 18/01/2012 15:21

Also keep in mind that you don't have to walk out today, if its awkward financially. You can think about it and plan for your future while still sleeping in separate rooms since you have that option.

ENormaSnob · 18/01/2012 15:22

He will never change Sad

LadyMedea · 18/01/2012 15:23

Leave, leave now... as soon as you've had some legal advice.

Love is not love without respect. He has no respect for you.

ThatVikRinA22 · 18/01/2012 15:27

op - read your own opening post back and imagine this was a friend - and think about the advice you would give to anyone else in this nightmare cycle.

he isnt going to stop. he hasnt learned anything, he doesnt want to stop, and so he wont.

i think he will eventually leave you anyway. Pull the plug now, before you end up more hurt, more trampled and less inclined to do anything about it. He is a lying, cheating shit who doesnt care. thats the way i see it. if he did, he wouldnt do this again and again to you.

get rid. you are 23. you could do better.

MerryMarigold · 18/01/2012 15:27

I can't believe you're asking what to do. You're so young to be doing this to your self esteem. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS. It doesn't matter how hard it is. Sell the house and get somewhere you can afford with yourself and the child.

yashie · 18/01/2012 15:27

I hate to say it but cheating now that you have a house and child, just shows he doesnt care.
I understand how you could 'work through it' before the baby came along, but now he's cheating not just on you but on his family. No way would I stand for that! I know it's hard but you need to get your finances sorted and get away from this man who only cares about himself. Relationships that 'stay together for the kids' never work, everyone ends up miserable, including the kids.
So sorry you're having such a bad time. X

Blu · 18/01/2012 15:33

Make an appointment with the CAB asap to see what your likely level of support would be, talk to your solicitor about your rights re the house, and then work out the best way to separate from him. Have you put money into the house?

He will be obliged to contribute to the upkeep of your dd, and you may be able to stay in the house, at least for a while, while he lives elsewhere.

So sorry you have been treated like this.

MerryMarigold · 18/01/2012 15:36

And to sit there and lie about it. This man is beyond it, really. Makes me SO angry.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2012 15:46

Really and truly, what are you thinking???
You will tell him to stay away for a few days?

He hasn't even kissed you in five weeks and spent your birthday with his trollop. If you think being away from you for a while and not sleeping with you is going to be some sort of deterrent or punishment, you are wrong. If you think, as you suggest in your first post, that this is something to do with him being unhappy (with the implication that you are somehow responsible for making him happy or keeping him happy) think again. This has nothing to do with you or the effect you have, or are capable of having, on him. He is acting as if you didn't exist. The only way to prevent him doing this to you again is to end the relationship.

Please see a solicitor about selling the house and make plans to take yourself and your baby elsewhere when it is sold. You will have to swallow the financial loss but it will be so worth it in the end.

Go and have yourself checked for STDs.

Charbon · 18/01/2012 15:51

No he will never change.

HoudiniHissy · 18/01/2012 15:55

The question is more this:

Why, at 23, do you think that you have to settle for THIS shit?

You have the world at your feet love, the future stretches WAAAAY off into the distance and you are wondering whether to spend it feeling sick, unappreciated and lonely?

Get rid of him TODAY and don't look back. DON'T let him back into the spare room. Not EVER! If I had a kennel i'd not give him an inch of it!

You have a lifetime to look forward to finding one of MILLIONS that would queue up to cherish you.

oldwomaninashoe · 18/01/2012 16:12

I understand your pain.
At 22 I had a similar choice to make.
I chose to get rid.

I have been happily married for over 30 years to someone I met a year after leaving ExH.

Life is really too short to put up with this and you know that he will never change. A friend of ours has had her husband cheating on her throughout her 20+ year marriage, each time she has forgiven him, and just carried on.
She is such an unhappy , bitter woman, please don't let yourself become like this.

MadAboutHotChoc · 18/01/2012 16:15

Get rid Sad - you do not need rubbish like him cluttering up your life.

Swipe left for the next trending thread