raped 20 years ago

[heebiejeebies]

have name changed, as I have never told anyone this in RL and my regular postings make me identifiable in RL

have been inspired by bintofbohemias thread, where she has reported her rape 9 years after the event

I was raped 20 years ago by an x boyfriend. We had only split up 2 weeks before hand and were both staying at a mutual friends house for New Years Eve. We were (I think) in the same room in seperate beds, but possibly sharing a bed. He tried it on withme and I said no. He climbed on top of me and started thumping me round the head and then stuck both of his thumbs into my eyeballs. I remember him saying 'what did you expect, Im a red-blooded male?' I was really scared that he wouldnt stop attackingme,so I stop fighting and let him have sex with me. Afterwards he asked me if I wanted him to leave and I said no, i didnt want to be alone . In the morning I gave him a lift home and i never saw him again. I had bruises and cuts/grazes to my face.

For years I didnt really class it as rape because;

1. i had had consensual sex with him inthe past and in the recent past
2. What did i expect? I should never have stayed over at the friends house, with him,in the same room,possiblyinthe same bed
3. I didnt scream
4. I stopped fighting and let him do it
5. I didnt want him to leave after
6. I gave him a lift home after
7. I felt kind of numb and not traumatised enough for it to be rape

I am exiting an abusive relationship right now,and so have been examiningmy past--this is something I need to tackle I think-I think it was rape wasnt it? I thinkit was the beginning of my downfall

I cant report it-I heard he died about 4 years ago. I had a very very uncomfortable reaction tothat news; I felt like I still loved him-I cried. But also wished I could have confronted him about this

blimey-writing that has made me shake

gah...baby awake. be back later

I'm really sorry to read this, heebie

Yes, it was rape. And the way you reacted was normal survival instincts. When someone is beating you around the face and head, fighting back or screaming could provoke even more violence.

I also feel a bit of a 'rape fraud' because about 13 years agao my sister was 'properly raped' by a stranger in the street with a a knife

I would go to your doctor and ask to see a coun to talk it out, if you feel better by writting it down you will feel much better talking to someone prob not worth reporting it as he is dead but you do need to deal with it xx

I'm sorry you have been raped heebie. Can only repeat what Prolesworth has said. (((hugs)))

You're not a fraud in any way whatsoever. What he did to you was horrific. He beat you up and raped you. There have been lots of threads on mn where women have talked about their experiences of rape and your reactions during and after the rape are not abnormal at all.

I'm really so sorry that someone did this to you. It makes my blood boil on your behalf.

You're a brave woman to be exiting an abusive relationship now, and brave for bringing this out into the open. Yes, it was rape. And no-one deserves to be treated like that. I'm sorry you have suffered such a trauma. I hope you can find a good therapist to help you process it and move on.

Yes, it was rape. And you did what you needed to do in order to survive as uninjured as possible. In the awfulness of the moment you had to make a judgement call and you should absolutely not feel guilty or a fraud.

And as for asking him to stay and giving him a lift home, you were trying to 'normalise' what happened. It's a completely normal reaction and you MUST give yourself a break. It doesn't change the fact that you didn't consent and he did it anyway.

Sorry about what happened to your sister, completely horrific but it doesn't lessen what happened to you.

You sound like a very brave and astute woman. I hope you consider some counseling but I have a feeling you're going to be just fine.

thanks foryour replies.

Its good to read thank you all think it was an acceptable reaction,because I really didnt feel that I submitted because I wanted to have sex with him after all. But do chastise myself for not fighting him off. Well,more so for not calling out for help. My sister says that about her situation though- she didnt try and fight- but then she had a knife to her throat.

There is no doubting my sisters ordeal was much much more traumatic. She dealt with it amazingly though. I know 2 other women who have been raped -one spiked/date raped and the other spiked AND at gun point- bothby strangers. I havent told any of them what happened to me. It does feel 'muchless' but Iwonder if the long term effects on self-esteem etc are as much...so less PTS but self value/ relationship stuff

Im not sure I could actually SAY it to a counsellor yet. But it doeshelp to write it down. I have never had any counselling for anything. I always think I am quite good at being honest with myself and interpreting things. But need to be vertain I dont ever end up in an abusive relationship ever ever again. And am feeling like I need to make my peace with this. Again, feel a bit of a fraud thatit could suddenly become an issue after living with it for 20 years.

I am alerted to something being off kilter with me, by some reactions I have to some threads on MN. An example being an active one where the OP has been dragged around and shouted at,intimidated and threatened by her OH for arranging to goout with her friends when he wanted a cosy night in. Now I know he was wrong and she was not to blame in anyway. I know that is correct,but I dont feel it 100%; there is a voice inside me that says that she shouldnt have been so thoughtless about what he wanted/he only got so upset because he loves her and wants to spend time with her/if she hadnt hit him back it wouldnt have excalated. It happens onalot of threads. I need to actually believe it

Love, it was rape. Your reaction then and now is pretty common. Rape crisis will support women who've been raped at any point in their lives.

Rapes are not on a scale of worst and least bad. I've yet to meet a woman who has been raped who wants to say their experience was worse in some way.

Thanks always feel a bit silly phoning rape crisis. It can hardly be classed as a crisis after 20 years

Feel a bit weepy today, after letting it out yesterday

Can you email rape crisis or women's aid? I would rather do that. I don't want to speak about it

Doesn't matter how long ago it happened I am under rape crisis counselling for childhood abuse {rape} that went on for 8 years it stopped in 1983, they can and will help you they are fully trained to help you deal with any trauma it has caused you.

Please don't feel silly. It's a problem for you now which means its important enough to contact them now. The way you reacted then and are reacting now is normal.

Took me 15 years to think 'oh yeah, now that wasn't right'

Don't know if you can email them or not. You could have a look on their website.

It is often hard to talk about it but they will understand that. That too is totally normal.

you were definitely raped.
your reaction was extremely normal.

Women have been subject to violence for millions of years. The ones who behaved in a conciliatory way were the ones who survived, managed to create a safe distance between themselves and their attacker, and went on to have more children/raise their existing children to adulthood.

So natural selection favoured women who were conciliatory during violent encounters. Most of us will have reacted in the way you did. Psychologists theorise that this same natural selection is what created the Stockholm Syndrome phenomenon. (I have been raped and did/felt/reacted the same as you btw, so i'm not just saying this.)

Your reaction was not abnormal. It's a reflection of how women have had to act in order to survive, since time immemorial.

I am so sorry for what he did to you. You didn't deserve that and he committed a horrible crime against you.

Be gentle with yourself. Try to find a counsellor, I know it's scary but it WILL help, I can promise you that. Trust your body, let yourself feel the grief & fear, safe in the knowledge that you're not in danger anymore so it's OK to let those feelings consume you for a little while.

May God/the universe/whatever-you-believe bless you and keep you during your recovery journey.

Very sorry to read what happened to you. It sounds terrifying. There's no shame in having stopped fighting. Please don't minimise it by saying other people had it worse than you. What he did must have made it so hard to trust anybody ever again. I can imagine I might go through life after that fearing that I can't be assertive as it might literally mean risking disablement or death.

If you are thinking of counselling, and really there is no hurry, I wouldn't say GP is necessarily the first port of call. A specialist place, such as rape crisis, is more likely to be able to give you the time and space you need. In many areas NHS counselling/therapy is very limited with only a small number of set sessions you are allowed and therapist may not have specialist training in rape trauma. Having said that, some areas of UK do have access to specialist trauma services or specialist counsellors/therapists. The thing is, if NHS tell you they are not the best people to help you, you may experience it as them saying you are not important enough, which is not the case, it is just that provision might not be there due to postcode lottery, so if you do go ask, be ready that they may advise you contact someone else.

Heebiejeebies, one thing I have learnt in life is that you never know how you're going to react under fire. You may be strong and loud and aware of your rights, and then fold at the simple look in their eye.

I am so terribly sorry to read your posts.

Rape crisis centers will consider this worthwhile, don't worry. There are unfortunately lots of women out there and I would go so far as to say that they may wonder about the cumulative affect of the intervening 20 yrs on you. But do try and talk about it.

Thankyou all again

thrilla I like science. I found your post reassuring and comforting personally- as a women in general though its grave, that we have evolved to be submissive to violent attacks from men. It's sickening. I'd like to read/hear more about that

eurostar that's the thing though-i don't feel that it was terrifying, and I would have said that it didn't give me any problems with trust. But did it actually? Not consciously but looking back on my life, I'm not so convinced. My romantic relationships with men haven't been as deep since, I have held back/ chosen inappropriate partners. Don't have a straight forward attitude to sex at all. Interesting what you say also about being afraid to assert yourself. I was 19 when it happened and I'm feeling like it really clipped my wings

I feel like I'm making it up. Does that make sense? When I think about talking to a counsellor, I feel like I am/they will think I'm lying. I don't know why. It definitely DID happen, but I doubt it sometimes

somethingtosay what do you mean about the women who would wonder about the cumulative effect?

dotty so sorry

But yours went on for years, years ago. Mine was a 1 off

Gah! I've just got to get over the 'fuss about nothing' thing and phone them haven't i?

Yes you do heebie. It's not a fuss about nothing, he did something so so dreadful and violent to you. It's WORSE that you knew him and trusted him. He wasn't some stranger, he was someone you should have been able to trust not to hurt you, how monstrous that he would break that trust and take advantage of it in such a heinous, cruel way.

have read your whole thread, agree with thrillah, and with your assessment of her post. It is sickening, it really is. This is why feminism is so important though, we have to break through so much shit in order to see ourselves as human beings, not second to men or subject to their whims.

Once or more than once RAPE is RAPE I convinced myself it hadn't affected me but it had every aspect of my life was. I've only found this out through conselling at the rape crisis centre which the police put me in touch with, however you can phone them up and arrange to speak to someone either over the phone or face to face.

Yes love, of course you were raped. I am so sorry.

To pick up on what you say about your reaction to the other poster - that does worry me. I think you do need counselling, to explore that as well.

What I meant was, the counsellor / women on the phone lines would probably wonder what the effect of holding that secret for 20 years might have had on you. Has it impacted your life / relationships / are you cut off from parts of your body / do you self harm to numb the pain / do you drink / do drugs / have a loving sex life now etc.

Rest assured that this would be seen as serious. Intervening time makes no difference.

In one of my sexual abuse books, there's a bit about disclosure, all the way women do it. There's an 80 year old lady sobbing and shaking on her bed, whispering that her Grandad raped her as a child and she never told anyone. It was very powerful. My best advice for you is to get this right off your chest asap, and put it back where it belongs.