have name changed, as I have never told anyone this in RL and my regular postings make me identifiable in RL
have been inspired by bintofbohemias thread, where she has reported her rape 9 years after the event
I was raped 20 years ago by an x boyfriend. We had only split up 2 weeks before hand and were both staying at a mutual friends house for New Years Eve. We were (I think) in the same room in seperate beds, but possibly sharing a bed. He tried it on withme and I said no. He climbed on top of me and started thumping me round the head and then stuck both of his thumbs into my eyeballs. I remember him saying 'what did you expect, Im a red-blooded male?' I was really scared that he wouldnt stop attackingme,so I stop fighting and let him have sex with me. Afterwards he asked me if I wanted him to leave and I said no, i didnt want to be alone 
. In the morning I gave him a lift home and i never saw him again. I had bruises and cuts/grazes to my face.
For years I didnt really class it as rape because;
- i had had consensual sex with him inthe past and in the recent past
- What did i expect? I should never have stayed over at the friends house, with him,in the same room,possiblyinthe same bed
- I didnt scream
- I stopped fighting and let him do it
- I didnt want him to leave after
- I gave him a lift home after
- I felt kind of numb and not traumatised enough for it to be rape
I am exiting an abusive relationship right now,and so have been examiningmy past--this is something I need to tackle I think-I think it was rape wasnt it? I thinkit was the beginning of my downfall
I cant report it-I heard he died about 4 years ago. I had a very very uncomfortable reaction tothat news; I felt like I still loved him-I cried. But also wished I could have confronted him about this