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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

unresolved friendship issue playing on my mind

27 replies

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 21:45

8 Years ago just before my DD was born I became friends with another mum to be and we had our children around the same time. We became really close friends and for me it was an enormous support because I split up with DD's father when I was pregnant and moved to a new town so was very worried about the future. In fact that first year of her life was great, I took a year's maternity leave and got a whole load of new friends and we all hung out together.

I also became friends with my friend's boyfriend and I often went there for dinner or they came to mine and I had a really good year.

When DD was 18 months old, I moved a couple of miles away but we still saw each alot and also all the other friends. But my DD went through a phase of being quite aggressive and hitting other toddlers and getting up really early and suddenly everything changed. My friend was pregnant with her second DC and I think she felt I didn't discipline my DD enough or stop her being aggressive. I did try, really but I was at my wits end, I'd just moved, had gone back to work and was exhausted as she was up at 5 every morning.

My friend said some things like she thought nursery was making her aggressive or lack of a father which was very hurtful as I felt I was doing the best for her. Finally, her, me, the kids and my parents went on holiday together while her partner was doing up her house and it was a disaster. She let my elderly parents do everything for her son, didn't help, said some awful things about my son, both children didn't sleep...

Anyway, that was the end of the friendship not surprisingly. But to this day it makes me feel sad. Firstly, because I think I was wrongly judged. My DD has turned into a lovely, sensitive girl and I was doing my best - maybe not brilliant in retrospect but the best I could at the time. Secondly, because we were really good mates and I miss her still and thirdly because the implication was that there was something wrong with DD when she wasn't even 2!

I would like to get in touch with her, she's now got 4 kids so she must know what some toddlers are like by now but I don't know if I want to because I'm still angry and should let it go but also because I still miss her and again I should let it go - it's been 6 years!

OP posts:

Flyonthewindscreen · 17/01/2012 21:53

How would you feel if you got in touch again and she didn't want to know/she made comments again about your parenting that made you feel really bad or whatever? Are you prepared for that?

Also I think you need to think about why you feel the need to contact her again, if it is because you had a great friendship which went wrong but you hope it could re-emerge, then maybe it would be worth an email/call but if its about unfinished business with her, i.e. want to show her how fab your DD has turned out, I think it would be better to let it lie imo.

Original poster

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 21:54

wondered if anyone thinks it's worth contacting her. While I knew her, she dropped a couple of other friends while I thought were quite harsh - one of them was a mutual friend who I know was very upset.

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Original poster

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 21:57

Kamer, I don't know. To be honest I'd be nervous about the children meeting up again just in case my DD did something bad (as all kids can do sometimes) and it just reinforced it all again so I suppose it's more to do with us than the kids.

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Spellcheck · 17/01/2012 22:01

Having children is stressful in many ways, as you know, especially when considering external influences such as house moves, work, partners (or lack of), etc. Nobody is a perfect parent, we are all on a steep learning curve in those early days and continue to learn even as they grow up and pass through the different stages.

I have 3 DC and have known many other mums through my children and I know that most of them judge others. I do it too, and am sure most of us do to some extent. Some are more vociferous about it than others, but the truth is as you say, some children are harder work than others! And she will know that by now.

You understandably felt defensive about your DD and now you can prove how lovely she is...what happened back then, happened back then. It sounds like you are almost ready to forgive? I would get in touch and let the bad feelings go, your friendship clearly meant a lot to you!

Original poster

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 22:08

thank you, Spellcheck. I am ready to forgive but I suppose I'm nervous she still feels the same way! She hasn't been back in touch and maybe she wouldn't want to know and then I'd feel judged all over again. Also as I said although my DD is a lovely child, like all she has her moments and if she did in front of my friend I'd feel like it was reinforcing what she felt all those years ago. I do miss her friendship though.

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upahill · 17/01/2012 22:12

I would let sleeping dogs lie tbh with you.

You can never go back to the past.

Original poster

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 22:13

I don't know though. I like to stay friends with people. It makes me sad when friendships die but you could be right.

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upahill · 17/01/2012 22:14

In those six years she will have new friends and be part of a different scene.

I know you miss her friendship but too much water has gone under the bridge now. You both will have changed for different reasons.
You are not going to be able to pick up where you left off as you have your own agenda to settle.

pictish · 17/01/2012 22:16

Tbh with you OP, I've ditched a couple of mates because of their dcs bad behaviour. Especially the hitters.
I know it's something that a lot of little ones try, but when my friends were unable to control the aggressive behaviour, I did my kids, and my blood pressure a favour, and cooled it off.

Original poster

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 22:17

I don't know if I really do have an agenda to settle because as I said I'm not trying to prove that my DD is now fine because I would be wary of them meeting. I think it's more about our old friendship.

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Original poster

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 22:19

yes, I know pictish and I've also judged children who are badly behaved (but older than 2). I don't really blame people who do that but we were close friends aside from the kids which is why I'm sad about it.

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thebestisyettocome · 17/01/2012 22:19

Sorry uphill but I think you are wrong. A friend I hadn't spoken to for 10 years has just got in touch and in the few weeks we've been in contact we haven't stopped talking. It's as if the argument never happened.

upahill · 17/01/2012 22:27

Fair enough.
My thoughts are that I have friends that I can go years without seeing and pick up like it was last week but there was never any fall out, just life getting in the way.

Then there are friends where you were really close and a niggle got in the way.
My thought on this story was that the two had a long history together. They may have done a lot in a relatively short time but they didn't have a long back story to hold them together. They have not been in touch for 3x as long as they were friends.

If someone came back to me after all that time I wouldn't really be interested as my life has moved on too much. I would wonder why and think that they were pretty needy. If one of my old buddies turned up I would crack a can and have a fab time!

Original poster

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 22:30

also many years ago I made a decision to drop a friend. Not the same scenario as we'd been friends for 20 years but she had started drinking loads and taking drugs - I couldn't reason with her so I dropped her but missed her dreadfully and after 2 years got back in touch - it was like those 2 years never happened.

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GoingForGoalWeight · 17/01/2012 22:31

If you want to get in touch, do so. It might be a good thing or you might learn a hard lesson for the future. I, for one have had a 'friend' dump me a few years ago without any reasons given and I still wonder what I did even though i should have dumperd her as she was rather mean and enjoyed giving me her put downs. I know now to set boundaries.

Good luck with your decision :)

Original poster

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 22:32

upahill, maybe I am needy! I don't know, I just know that I like to stay friends with people unless there is a good reason why not to. and that reason doesn't seem to exist anymore.

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Original poster

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 22:39

also, I've got a whole load of photos of her wedding which I never gave to her.

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upahill · 17/01/2012 22:43

You are contriadicting yourself like mad!!!

You are saying you want to be friends, then you say you don't know if you want to. You have said you are still angry with her.

You are still hurt over the implication that there was something wrong with your daughter and I think you want to parade her around and metaphroically say 'there I told you so!' ( I know I would)
She gave your parents a run around, said nasty things about your son,implied you weren't doing a good job, made you feel inferior because you didn't have a partner, questioned your choices about nursery and made you worry.

And you want her as a friend?

Blimey!!!!

upahill · 17/01/2012 22:44

Wedding photos from over 6 years ago!
Now you are clutching at straws!!!

Don't you think that if she was bothered she would have been in touch?

Lovingfreedom · 17/01/2012 22:50

She'd probably be pleased to hear from you as an old friend and I would have thought the disagreements would be water under the bridge by now. Also, kids will hopefully be better behaved by now.

BasilRathbone · 17/01/2012 22:50

Write her a letter.

Tell her how hurt you were about her horrible comments.

Go through each incident and say how you felt.

Then put it in an envelope leave it for an hour or so while you have a cup of tea, then shred it or tear it up into tiny pieces if you don't have a shredder.

It might get it off your chest.

Original poster

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 22:51

no, I don't want to parade my daughter around. As I said I'd be wary of them meeting, I wouldn't want to feel like I did then. Yes, I do feel mixed up though because I was upset and made to feel inferior and so am still angry but also do still miss the friendship and yes she did do all those things but I can also understand that I probably wasn't very good at disciplining him. I had been used to a very easy baby and a difficult toddler was a shock.

I am not meaning to contradict myself, I do feel a mix of things. But I am not intending to parade my DD around. And yes, the wedding photos would be an excuse and maybe I shouldn't bother with that.

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Original poster

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 22:53

This is where I am mixed up though BasilRathbone because I'd like to do as you suggest but send the letter! and then hope she apologises and then become friends again...never gonna happen though is it?

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upahill · 17/01/2012 22:56

I didn't mean it to come out harsh when I said parade your daughter.
I meant that you know she raised issues about her, you know that you dd is lovely and at least part of you wants to show her that everything is fine despite what she said at the time.

I know you don't mean to contradict yourself but that's what happens when we feel mixed up and hurt. It's hard making sense of things.

Have you got lots of friends now?

Original poster

wantanewname · 17/01/2012 22:59

yes I have got lots of friends now. I understand what you mean but it's really not that. Much as I'd be tempted to show off my daughter she can have off moments and I'd be too wary to let that happen, that'd be awful if she just feel justified after all those years! So, I'd want to keep them separate or if we did become friends would be very cautious to see that we were in the same way of thinking.

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