unresolved friendship issue playing on my mind

[wantanewname]

8 Years ago just before my DD was born I became friends with another mum to be and we had our children around the same time. We became really close friends and for me it was an enormous support because I split up with DD's father when I was pregnant and moved to a new town so was very worried about the future. In fact that first year of her life was great, I took a year's maternity leave and got a whole load of new friends and we all hung out together.

I also became friends with my friend's boyfriend and I often went there for dinner or they came to mine and I had a really good year.

When DD was 18 months old, I moved a couple of miles away but we still saw each alot and also all the other friends. But my DD went through a phase of being quite aggressive and hitting other toddlers and getting up really early and suddenly everything changed. My friend was pregnant with her second DC and I think she felt I didn't discipline my DD enough or stop her being aggressive. I did try, really but I was at my wits end, I'd just moved, had gone back to work and was exhausted as she was up at 5 every morning.

My friend said some things like she thought nursery was making her aggressive or lack of a father which was very hurtful as I felt I was doing the best for her. Finally, her, me, the kids and my parents went on holiday together while her partner was doing up her house and it was a disaster. She let my elderly parents do everything for her son, didn't help, said some awful things about my son, both children didn't sleep...

Anyway, that was the end of the friendship not surprisingly. But to this day it makes me feel sad. Firstly, because I think I was wrongly judged. My DD has turned into a lovely, sensitive girl and I was doing my best - maybe not brilliant in retrospect but the best I could at the time. Secondly, because we were really good mates and I miss her still and thirdly because the implication was that there was something wrong with DD when she wasn't even 2!

I would like to get in touch with her, she's now got 4 kids so she must know what some toddlers are like by now but I don't know if I want to because I'm still angry and should let it go but also because I still miss her and again I should let it go - it's been 6 years!

Don't focus too much on what I was saying about your dd. That was just a small part of it.
I'm just curious that I understand that you had great time together ( for a about two years) but the list of slights is amazingly long.
She didn't treat you or your parents kindly.

Some people come into your life for a short while and you have a great time and good memories but then both your lives move on. Others are with you for the long haul. In this case I really do think it was the former.

Hope there is a good outcome whatever you decide.

I think you are imagining something that isn't probably going to happen, which is that you ring her, she is delighted to hear from you, apologises, takes back everything she said and you all go on to be great friends.

I don't think this is going to happen because she was quite nasty about your child repeatedly (not once but saying lots of bad things) and to your parents. I don't really think she will have massively changed, some people can be brilliant fun and lovely to be with, which it sounds like she was, but have a need to put others down. So I agree with upahill that perhaps this person was wonderful for those two year, but it won't be an enduring friendship, because she wasn't very kind to you and personally I think kindness and tolerance is very important in a friendship, over the long-term (rather than a coffee/school gate friendship which may or may not be for the longer-term).

I think you are pretty mad at her for the things she said, people sometimes said negative things to me about my dd1's behaviour in particular (she's hyperactive, won't learn at school, needs more discipline) and she's turned out delightfully as well, but I don't think about it now in relation to the current friendships/family relationships. I think its better to move on and find new friends, or perhaps contact her on Facebook and see how it goes, but I would be wary of launching in given the way your friendship ended.