Headaches, not sleeping, fights with DH .... what should I do

[frazzledmumoftwo]

I?d really like some advice.

I?ve been having really bad stress migraine headaches and difficulty sleeping. I?m trying to keep everything going smoothly ? DS 5 and DD 3, my job, getting on OK with DH, keeping the house running smoothly, etc. etc. I went back to work in August, four days a week, and the headaches started about early November.

I?m having regular physio for the headaches, but it doesn?t seem to be working. DH and I are having more rows than normal, and I just don?t want out life to be like this.

DH is nice, good with the kids, and does really thoughtful little things like make me a cup of tea without being asked, etc.. He is definitely what you would call a ?good husband? and I?d never worry about him seeing someone else behind my back, or any of those serious husband issues you might have. But he has very ?set? opinions on how things should be done and can be quite a controlling personality at times. He can tend to be a bit confrontational with people, and I spend quite a lot of effort trying to smooth things over at times. If we have an argument, it is me who gets stressed about making sure we get back on track again. He will just sort of let it be my problem to sort it out. But on other things, he is really good company and fun to be with.

This morning, things came to a head, and we ended up having a massive row just before leaving the house. He disagreed with how I was getting the children ready for the school run (DS?s breakfast club & DD?s nursery), and kept telling me I was rushing them too much and sounding too stressed. I was doing the double school run this morning (we normally do one child each, but this morning he wanted to get to work early), and I was just trying to get them out of the house on time so I wouldn?t be late for my job.

I?m having a couple of nights at my parents? house to try to work out what to do about the whole job vs. headaches vs. not sleeping thing. I actually just can?t cope at the moment ? and I really shocked myself by getting so angry with DH this morning. I just can?t work out if it is just the headaches causing the trouble, or is there a more serious problem between me & DH, or do I just need to give up this job, if it is just not working out. I just can?t think straight.

DH was very keen for me to go back to work, and would be furious if I handed in my notice. But he is also annoyed when I can?t sleep (I usually go into the spare room), and is frustrated that I keep getting these headaches. I?m trying to keep him happy and get everything I need to do done, and I just can?t manage it.

My initial reaction to what you have posted is that you are doing a lot, trying to keep everyone(your DH?) happy, and tbh he doesn't sound very supportive. When you use words like "furious" and "annoyed" to describe his reactions, it sounds like he is difficult to be around and you are walking on eggshells.

Do you enjoy your job? If so, I would try to keep hold of it, plus of course financially you may need to anyway. Why would he be furious? Is this a financial fury, or does he think staying at home isn't a real job, for example?

Sorry to fire questions, but you sound so fed up, and you're right, life shouldn't be this hard all of the time.

Why do you feel you need to keep him happy? To me, that seems a bit off. What does he do to make you happy, other than bring you tea of course?

From reading your post- my interpretation is (and correct me if I'm wrong)- that life is being made even more unpleasant because you are not sleeping well. From personal experience, work is more stressful when you are sleep-deprived, the house gets on top of me more when I am sleep-deprived, and I row more with DH when I am sleep-deprived.

I've suffered with insomnia, and have recently tried Paul McKenna "i can make you sleep" which has been a godsend.

But, moving on from the sleep- could you work less? Maybe do 3 days a week? Are you doing anything for you? i.e. an exercise class/evening class... Is there any money in the budget to get a cleaning lady to help? Could you send out the ironing?

Hope you get things sorted out. I've been at a similar crossroads recently- and considered jacking in my job- but worried that would leave me unstimulated. I do feel your pain!

Living with a controlling personality who has rigid ideas on how things should be done will inevitably take its toll and it's not surprising that you are having frequent stress migraines as well as being stressed.

The cause of your stress is easy to see and your problem is what you intend to do about it.

If you're in pain and suffering from sleep deprivation you will be under a huge amount of stress. And I'm sure that going back to work is adding to your stress.

What is your husband doing to help you with all of this? From your OP it sounds like he's just on the sidelines commenting/criticising what you're doing rather than really trying to help.

Does he do his share around the house/with childcare? If you're back at work 4 days a week, then you need someone to help you, not harp at you. Can you afford a cleaner/someone to do the ironing?

And it sounds like you need medication for your headaches as well as (or instead of) physio. If they're migraines I'm not really sure what physio will do to help - although I may be completely ignorant about the benefits of physio for this condition.

But please, please, please - stop trying to keep your husband happy. You need to think about yourself and your own health.

Have you talked to him about all of this and how you're feeling? Have you asked him for help? I think you need to take some time off, if you can - even a day or so off sick, and just let yourself sleep/take it easy.

The last thing you should do is give up your economic independence. It's not work that's the problem here, it's that you've taken complete responsibility for four people's lives and happiness. Your husband is responsible for his own life and is jointly responsible for the children and his marriage. I bet it doesn't feel like that though.

Being ANNOYED that you can't sleep and FRUSTRATED that you're not well are bizarre and ugly responses from your dh. The normal reaction from a loving partner would be concern, sympathy and support.

I think he's your problem.

I agree with Kodachrome.
You're trying to keep him happy.
Is he trying to keep you happy?
And pulling his weight around the house?
Making you do a double school run and then complaining about how you do it doesn't sound like a supportive attitude.

Are you ok frazzled?

I take betablockers to prevent migraine, if it is interfering with your life and your medication doesn't work, then go back to the GP and ask to be referred to a specialist clinic or consultant (e.g, neurologist).

I would try to get your migraines and sleep problems sorted out, because tiredness and migraine will make you feel shit and distort your thinking. I am a bit worried by the fact that you feel that you need to make your husband happy all the time and that is your primary purpose, IT ISN'T. It may be he's useless and making you feel bad, or it could be you are both exhausted and sniping at each other and have lapsed into criticism and arguments. I don't know. But I would try to get on top of your physical problems as this will allow you to take a step back and look at the relationship.

Thank you for the replies. Can't type much as at work.

There are some really good ideas, and I am definitely going to stop feeling quite so guilty about keeping DH happy on top of everything. I guess I just needed to hear another perspective on that. When I said he was good with the kids he is - when he is around he is very hands on, and does loads. We also do have 3 hours cleaning/ironing help (since I went back to work) ... it should all be absolutely cope-able if only I could sleep and get rid of these headaches.

I'm off to see the doctor again this afternoon about the headaches. Had another terrible nights sleep last night.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

He may be contributing in a practical way but if he is constantly critical of you and you are aware that it's important to placate him and keep him happy or there will be unpleasant consequences: well, you don't need to look any further for the cause of the headaches. He sounds like a bully: everything's fine as long as he gets his own way, yes? But a family doesn't work properly when one person insists on his/her wishes and feelings taking priority over everyone and everything else: there is always a price to pay in terms of stress and unhappiness among other family members.

I've just found this post I wrote 6 and a half years ago. Gosh..... I had completely forgotten I had ever posted this.

Soon after this (or perhaps around the time I wrote this), husband started being excessively angry at 5 year old, and hitting him occasionally.

No, I've got the year wrong. It was about 12 months later that happened.

And? You can't leave us hanging like that, @frazzledmumoftwo please? Did you leave him and was his aggression the root cause of the migraines, or did it pan out otherwise?

What happened next, op?!

Occasional hitting turned to regular physical abuse to DS, who was by now 6 and showing definite signs of ASD.

More and more anger problems from H.

I tried to fix things myself first, got a bit better but only if we (or 'me') was very careful never to let H get upset or angry.

Feb 2013 I first tried to get help externally - GP, School Home-Link Officer, children's centre. Everyone just saw it as a dad trying to cope with an autistic child. More Parenting courses suggested (which we did). Home-Link worker suggested H was probably under stress at work, and I should be kinder to him. Only the Children's Centre had more of an open chat with me, saying that DH behaviour was Abusive, and tried to help me work out a strategy to get him to go on Anger Management training.

June 2013. Physical abuse to DS stepped up dramatically, then reduced (but did not entirely stop) once DS diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome confirmed.

I did not realise this post was six years old. I was going to say the stress of a controlling husband was probably the source of the migraines. How awful that he started hitting DS - that is unforgivable and I hope you are well shot of him now with the migraines long gone.

Nov 2013 I did self referral to Children's Services. They interviewed the two of us together, and again just saw a father struggling to cope with an autistic son. Closed the case after getting H to sign a Written Agreement.

Lots of discussions with DH. I just wanted to break up, he was adamant that I couldn't. Agreed to stay, providing he got proper Anger Management help.

Lots of people cope with autistic children without hitting them.
And of course you could leave, he does not get to decide that!

Did you leave?

Jan to Sep 2014. Physical abuse to DS (now 7-8) stopped, but replaced by threats and verbal bullying.

I was desperately unhappy, but felt overwhelming pressure not to leave, as H had stopped hitting and kicking DS, and therefore I had to give him a chance.

Nothing happened on the promised Anger Management.

Clashes between H and DS (now 8) became unbearable.

Nov 2014 children and I left, moving into a small 2 bed flat I had managed to rent. Timing planned for when H was in USA with work for 2 weeks.

Probably the scariest, toughest, most nerve wracking decision I ever made. DS 8 delighted that we had left. DD 6 more confused by it all, and keeps assuming that we will all go back when daddy has stopped being angry.

You certainly know how to create suspense!