Any suggestions for getting through domestic violence consequences?

[dustlandfairytale]

Hi. I am starting this to ask for a bit of support. Here is a bit of the background. I've been separated for a while now but have not got very far with the divorce so far. (Plenty of reasons but it is starting to progress slightly. )When we first separated I tried very hard to keep things civil for the sake of the children (3 - 2 already independent, one older teenager at home) but things have just got worse and worse. None of them want anything to do with him now because his of his behaviour towards me, but also because his OW is just a couple of years older than them. He has not tried AT ALL with them - he hasnt even spoken to one of them since he left me. Shame I suppose. He couldnt even tell anyone he had left me. A few weeks ago he was violent towards me on 2 separate occasions. (dont want to give too many details as very afraid of being outed). I called the police and they arrested him and he was bailed pending further inquiries. I have managed to hold it together very well and he was supposed to go back to the police last week. This has been delayed for admin reasons and now I am beginning to lose it completely. I am hardly sleeping and getting increasingly depressed despite the fact that I would have said I was on my way to recovering from it all if you had asked me a couple of weeks ago.

I am doing everything I can possibly do to help myself from counselling to speaking to victim support, to exercise, etc etc. Nothing seems to make me feel better any more. I dont know what is wrong exactly. I dont know how I coped with the arrest thing until it was delayed, I just did. Now I can think of nothing else. Stbx has started contacting me again about practical stuff to do with property, financial stuff, and that had stopped since the arrest. I feel sick when I see a message from him and I never answer any calls. It feels like I am starting to fall down a pit of despair. My friends dont seem to help any more and some of them now make me feel quite angry as the things they say often dont seem supportive. Its hard to describe. I dont know where to turn.

You are doing all the right things.

I am in a very similar situation to you at the moment. It's shit. Abusers won't stop trying to contact their victims until they get fed up, and who knows when or how that realisation occurs in their pathetic little minds. All you can do is try to keep yourself from being terrorised. So well done on contacting the police.

For the personal mental freedom, I am just telling myself that I refuse to let myself be terrorised, or to have my freedom of mind hampered by such an indadequate twat. It works, to some extent. And is helped, as you are doing, by exercise and friends and counselling and support groups.

If your anxiety is really becoming unmanageable at the moment, could you see your GP for some sleeping pills or ADs, if you think you need the relief they can bring?

Good luck. You are doing brilliantly. This too shall pass.

Also: instruct your solicitor to tell your ex's solicitor that you do not want any direct contact, and that all communication on practical matters should go through sols.

It sounds like the stress is starting to overwhelm you, which is totally understandable given the circumstances. You just have too much going on in your head. Would you consider going to your GP and telling him/her how you feel?

Keep talking on here if it helps. In what way are your family and friends unsupportive?

It is an ongoing horror isn't it?

I am on my fourth lot of therapy starting tomorrow, because I am struggling to cope, both with my own feelings, and the grief of my Dc's.

I have deliberately sought out an expert in DA, this time. People generally just don't get it, do they?

Can you pester the police for more support? IDVA, family safety unit? You probably know all this, but, keep posting here for ongoing hand holding and hugs.

i've been taking sleeping tablets recently but of course you aren't supposed to take them too much. I think I might have to take them more and worry about being addicted later?! I've no experience of ADs but not sure I am depressed just so stressed. Is it the same thing? Not sure.

Thanks HotDAMN. Good luck to you in all this too.

Oh sorry everyone else. Left this before I posted for a phone call. Thanks everyone else for messages.
I think the idea of contact just through solicitors might help. Hang the expense if it keeps me sane.

Indeed. Take care of yourself above all.

It also means, once he has officially been told that you do not want direct contact, that if he persists you could label it harrassment.

oh, and ADs can also be prescribed for anxiety - see what your GP has to say.

Has anyone any experience of AD's? I wonder if you actually notice you are taking them or do you just feel better? When I am feeling ok, I feel very strong and its a good feeling. I dont want to lose that. I am very keen to stay in control if that makes sense. I'm not much of a drinker for that reason.

ADs have life altering and permanent side effects, You need support to help you overcome anxiety, and obviously someone to listen to you when you want to vent. Not drugs that damage your brain and organs.

You won't always feel like this, it does eventually get easier. Are you near any family? Maybe a relative could offer some hands on support to you atm, I honestly know how you feel, been there myself. Just concentrate on you, treat yourself and make use of friends. They will support you if you let them know that you are feeling down. It isn't always obvious for others when to get involved. They don't want to upset you or say the wrong thing and being with an abusive man makes you feel like you are an inconvenience and you aren't at all.

I can only comment on citalopram, which I have been on and off for years.

The first few days of taking it after a long break I feel nauseaous, light headed and ill. I can be very disorientated and I need to sleep. That wears off after a few days for me, perhaps a week at the most. Then it is as if someone has shaved off the very top and the very bottom of my feelings - not so high but not so low. I have functioned quite well in situations that demanded a lot of focus, attention to detail, clarity of thinking, but that may be just my reactions. Everyone is different and there are chances of changing the ads, just give them a chance to work.

IMPORTANT - ads are only useful if properly prescribed, monitored and taken. Exercise, diet and counselling can also have a massive positive effect on depression

There is a type of depression called reactive depression, which means that your reaction to stressful, awful, difficult events is showing as depression. I should add that you can feel quite happy and still be clinically depressed. Depression is not just feeling sad, it is the anxiety, the fog, the confusion, the insomnia and desperate feeling of numbness that comes from your brain having a bad time. Sometimes actually not having depression/anxiety issues after a bad time is the odd thing, sometimes it is the only reasonable reaction to dreadful things.

If you were hit by a bus and broke your leg, you would take the pain killers if necessary, get a cast, do the physio and take it steady. You have been hit by a mental and emotional equivalent of a bus. There is no reason why a short term course of ads will not be a useful tool to keep you going while you recover from being hit by that particular bus.

TL;DR - ads have their uses if taken sensibly. There may be other things you can do to help yourself, and you need to manage any initial reactions with your GP.

DS and dad are both nagging me through out this, sorry for lack of clarity

I am on ADs, prescribed for depression and anxiety following the breakup of an abusive marriage. Citalopram, like Lyssa.

I've taken them for about 9 months and am currently weaning myself off them (on quarter dose now from what I started on). They evened out my strong emotional reactions. At no time did I stop being "me" or lose control. Quite the contrary: they provided a respite that allowed me to regain control, and be me again.

The first week was awful, though: I felt like I was being hit on the head with a hammer, and was very tired. Those side effects tapered off after a few days, and the only side effect I now have are very vivid dreams (which I actually quite like: it gives me yet another window into my subconscious. Before, I could never remember my dreams once woken. Now I can analyse them).

I knew I didn't want to be on ADs longterm. I asked to be put on them at a time when I wasn't coping, and needed an additional coping tool in my arsenal. Now that I have regained stability - thanks to time, counselling, and the ability to benefit from these thanks to the ADs themselves - I am happy to be weaned off them.

CailinDana My parents are very old and couldnt stand the stress of knowing what was really going on. I have no siblings, and the dc's are finding it difficult themselves. With regard to friends I am not sure whether I am being over sensitive but since the DV some seemed to have rallied round and some have seemed to back off. I think some expect I should be getting over it by now.

I'm going to try and get to the end of the week with the sleeping tablets and hope that once stbx is either charged or let off I will be able to move on and calm down a bit and not resort to the AD's.It is the not knowing which is hard. I have a counselling session before then so that usually really helps for a bit. This thread is helping too.

If he's on police bail with conditions not to contact you then he's breaching his bail - do the police know he's been contacting you again? I think you're doing amazingly well - you've been assaulted twice recently, that's a huge thing to be coping with.

Unfortunately he was bailed was without restrictions, Its been a mess as different officers have seen me, done the arrest and done the interview. Then they didnt let me know the result of the interview which they got into trouble about but luckily the original officer is back and doing the next interview. She was very surprised about the bail conditions and went to see him the next day and told him basically to stay away from me/not contact me anyway. They do know he has been in contact, I never answer the phone to him. I do answer emails if I think it is to my benefit only and totally practical matters like organising paying for repairs. I bought a phone for the house that shows up the number of the caller. Its a great help.

Its hard to describe but the contact he has made has been threatening to me even though I dont imagine anyone else would see it that way. He wanted access to my house to short through paper work or I was do that for him. He wanted that done asap. My response was to leave the outside for him to collect and sort through himself. I also told him I would do it when I was good and ready. It's all about control isnt it? Getting me running around on his behalf. Also getting round his restrictions no doubt with the argument that he is now prepared to get on with the divorce. A reasonable arguement. The Police took a dim view of him not responding to solicitors letters etc.which was good. They see it as fitting a pattern.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm so glad I reported the assaults despite the hassle and stress it is causing me. It feels like I have diminished his power over me.

Slept from 11 - 5.30 with the sleeping tablets.

Its hard to describe but the contact he has made has been threatening to me even though I dont imagine anyone else would see it that way.

I understand this totally: when a person has been violent and/or physically threatening to you, any contact is experienced as an act of further aggression.

Unfortunately, many police officers and judges are still too benighted to see that (am in same boat by the way: my request for a no contact order on a violent man who threatened to kill me was pooh-poohed by the judge. We've got a long way to go before the authorities treat "domestics" the way they would aggression from strangers...).

That does not mean your experience is not valid. It is. Keep asking for what you need, and setting your boundaries. If the law is an ass, that does not make you wrong.

I applaud this reaction of yours: I'm so glad I reported the assaults despite the hassle and stress it is causing me. It feels like I have diminished his power over me.

Keep at it.

re: the difficulty sleeping. What helped me greatly when I was feeling as you were was listening to a relaxation tape to help me drift off, with or without sleeping pills. You know, the kind where a soothing voice has you focus on each part of your body one by one and "let it go", from your toes to your head. I was always sound asleep by the time the tape got to my knees, iirc.

Have you tried getting on the Freedom Programme? it's a FREE 12 week programme. I hear they have a Toolkit course too, but have no info on that.

When my Ex left, there was a period of shock, then a period of rest, then what..

I couldn't speak to anyone about what i'd been through. Even if I could have, my family ALL made it abundantly clear that they wanted nothing to do with it.

So I found a local DV support group, but still couldn't talk about my situation.

Found info on the local Freedom Programme, had to call to register, but couldn't even make that call for fear of breaking down. I'd not allow myself to cry, because what was there to be sad about? Him? Only an idiot would cry over him.. he was VILE.

I had to call WA to weep down the phone to an anonymous person... after about 5 mins of sobbing, I spoke and it gave me the space to call the FP and get enrolled. I went. I was terrified.

Over time, meeting in a big group of other women all with stories similar to mine, some worse, some not so, but all relative and all upsetting REALLY helped me understand that it's THEM not us that are damaged.

I then started therapy, and even though the FP is finished for now (I can always go back when and if I need to) I can talk without losing it, I can think and work on issues that I realise I have.

I know you say you are doing everything, and it sounds as if you are making immense strides, and I think just carrying on, allowing yourself space and time to process it all will help soon.

Try to remember that recovery is in STAGES. Leaving him is the beginning of the rest of your life. It is the rebirth of hope, freedom and happiness.

I remember realising the enormity of taking responsibility back for my life. The idea that YOU control your own life IS terrifying when someone else has done it for so very long, but sit calmly and quietly before deciding on decisions that come your way.

If someone pressures you for decisions or answers, you can say 'I need time to think, i'll come back to you on that', and then say nothing else until you have thought things through.

If you are still dealing with feelings of fear and anxiety, accept that it is totally understandable for you to feel this way! It'd be odd if you didn't!

If things like Bach's Rescue Remedy don't touch the sides, then by all means go and talk to the Doc.

You CAN get through this. You ARE getting through this. You really ARE!

Thanks so much for that HotDAMN. Its good to hear from someone who has been through it and understands the reactions.

I was recommended a book called Mindfulness by my counsellor which I bought, glanced at, and never really got stuck into but that comes along with a cd of that type of meditation/relaxation. I will get on and put that onto my ipod tonight. I had a good sleep with the sleeping tablet - till 5.30 so tonight would be a good night to try.

I think the police have behaved dreadfully by not giving him appropriate bail conditions. Do you qualify for legal aid so you can get a solicitor to get you a non molestation order? If not you could apply for one yourself, it's quite easy and costs about £80 in court fees.

Is it the one by Jon Kabat-Zinn? That's the one I used. He's very good.

Sleep tight tonight!

x

You are going through a mill of emotions as well as the anxiety of wondering will he contact you and what will happen in court and probably some degree of grief for the relationship.
It's impossible to cope with all that and stay strong. Think you have a broken leg, a sprained wrist as well as flu and your mum is ill in hospital ... so you really do need to work out what you can deal with and what you can't at the moment.
Get the ex isolated i.e. not contact with police stepping in. Sleep, relaxation, Ads can really help short-term. Talk to your GP.
Good idea with friends is work out how you can use them for different things - this may sound a bit mercenary, but it stops you wearing out friendships or dwelling on everything with everyone.
Who can be there for a crisis? Who can exercise with you? Who can take you out of yourself? Is anyone could for a natter on the sofa, a film or getting you to sort out the house if it's getting you down or taking DCs out?
And post here as often as you need.

I had a look at the CPS directive on DV and it and I read that I should have been consulted/informed as to what the bail conditions were and why and that didnt happen.
I'm trying not to think about the next stage ie when he has to go back but its hard. Its lonely too. Luckily I have my counselling session tomorrow.

Hi hun
I am going through a similar thing too and only started posting about it yesterday. I have done a lot of reading up about anti depressants and I have read that if we are in a normal situation, neurotransmitters in the brain stimulate the well being part of our brain into feeling OK. In some people the signal from the neurotransmittters is weaker (it's boosted by Seratonin, which anti-depressants encourage the production of). If we are becoming overwhelmed by traumatic events, the feel good part of our brain is obviously feeling bad. the anti depressants boost seratonin levels and boost the neurotransmitters to stimulate the part of our brain that makes us feel OK and gives us a sense of well being.

I can only say that since I started feeling seriously depressed and found it hard to function and carry out the littlest of tasks, like cooking or paying bills etc. my doc prescribed citalopram and after about 2 weeks I got to a level where I could cope with things again. I just felt more levelled out and even started to laugh again. These may be a short time solution while things are rough, or some people have to take them for 2 years or so to achieve a state of equilibrium.

They do make you feel slightly more anxious in the first week or so, but after, I can only say that they have really been an immense help.

I don't consider it a sign of weakness that I take anti-depressants. They are correcting my brain chemistry, which is no different to taking levothyroxine for an imbalance in what the thyroid is doing.

I don't know if this will work for you - that's a decision for yourself and your GP. I hope that you get some assistance. I think that your GP is a good place to start. Counselling is good, but I've found that even though I know what they are saying is true, it's hard to practice.
I've also read a book called f**k it by John C Parkin and have found that very helpful.
Good luck and a big well done for holding it together. Things are shit as they are for me. However, try to accept that situation and just say fuck it - this isn't going to last forever. It's a blip in the time span of my life. My counsellor also said start to have a look at houses on the net where you dream about living in when it's all over and any other dreams which you see for your future. That helped too. Think about what you would like to be doing in 2 years time - 5 years time and allow yourself to dream a little and let go.
And most important - don't just sacrifice you're entire self for your kids. Start to do some selfish things and say fuck it. Coz the happier you can make yourself (even though like it might seem like being a bit selfish doing nice things for you) believe me - the happier you will make your kids in the long run because your happiness will be sensed by them.
Sending huge hugs
xxxxxxxxxx

Agree with lots of the others posting on here. But VivalaSativa's comments on ADs are unhelpful. I would strongly recommend you see your GP about them as more than anything else, they can help you deal with the anxiety and get through the day.

After leaving my abusive ex I was on sleeping pills (zopiclone) for a year. When you are this stressed, your arousal levels are much higher than normal and the pills help dampen it down. As my arousal levels subsided, I cut down and then stopped the sleepers and had no issues at all.

I was fortunate in that my GP was part of a Home Office pilot that trained GPs on recognising DV and supporting those affected. This is extraordinarily stressful for you and medication is just one of the things that will help you with this.

Good luck, we know how hard it is.

I've been to my counselling session today and we explored why I have become so uneasy and upset since I last attended. It is the emails I got and I decided to forward them to the police just now. If the appropriate bail conditions had been put in place he wouldnt have been able to ask for what he asked. (dont want to be more specific and out myself).

Its this thread plus counselling that has helped me recognise what has gone on so thank you everyone.

Ana the strange thing was I said f**k it at the time of reading them and thought I was ok but they seem to have snook up on me. Huge hugs to you too xx

QueenofWhatever that is hugely helpful about the Zopiclone. I took one last night and got a proper whole nights sleep. They normally give me 5 hours. What a joy. Delighted to hear weaning off them is so easy. I wont be afraid of them.

Finally, my counsellor showed me some cards at the end. Beer mat size with words of wisdom on both sides. She said she had select 3 for me and to choose and keep one if I wanted. The one I choose says on one side

"I cannot change another person. I let others be who they are, and I simply love who I am."

and other side

"I get the help I need, when I need it from various sources. My support system is strong and loving."

Hope those words help others too.