Any suggestions for getting through domestic violence consequences?

[dustlandfairytale]

Hi. I am starting this to ask for a bit of support. Here is a bit of the background. I've been separated for a while now but have not got very far with the divorce so far. (Plenty of reasons but it is starting to progress slightly. )When we first separated I tried very hard to keep things civil for the sake of the children (3 - 2 already independent, one older teenager at home) but things have just got worse and worse. None of them want anything to do with him now because his of his behaviour towards me, but also because his OW is just a couple of years older than them. He has not tried AT ALL with them - he hasnt even spoken to one of them since he left me. Shame I suppose. He couldnt even tell anyone he had left me. A few weeks ago he was violent towards me on 2 separate occasions. (dont want to give too many details as very afraid of being outed). I called the police and they arrested him and he was bailed pending further inquiries. I have managed to hold it together very well and he was supposed to go back to the police last week. This has been delayed for admin reasons and now I am beginning to lose it completely. I am hardly sleeping and getting increasingly depressed despite the fact that I would have said I was on my way to recovering from it all if you had asked me a couple of weeks ago.

I am doing everything I can possibly do to help myself from counselling to speaking to victim support, to exercise, etc etc. Nothing seems to make me feel better any more. I dont know what is wrong exactly. I dont know how I coped with the arrest thing until it was delayed, I just did. Now I can think of nothing else. Stbx has started contacting me again about practical stuff to do with property, financial stuff, and that had stopped since the arrest. I feel sick when I see a message from him and I never answer any calls. It feels like I am starting to fall down a pit of despair. My friends dont seem to help any more and some of them now make me feel quite angry as the things they say often dont seem supportive. Its hard to describe. I dont know where to turn.

Just a note to offer support. I feel really cross that the police have almightily fucked up here. You were so brave to even call them (I NEVER did and that is a regret). Is there anything more you can do? Police complaints commission? It is unacceptable that this man has been highlighted as being violent and is allowed to continue as he was with no punishment.

I totally understand what you mean about all the little apparently innocuous contacts being stressful. My stbx has even been on the Relate perpetrators course and I can clearly state that it has made him worse. He can now do everything he used to do in a controlled and calm manner, which is simply terrifying because to others it looks like he is Mr. Reasonable from Reasonableton and I am probably Mrs. Make a Mountain out of a Molehill. I dread his visits and calls about irrelevant things, there is pure intimidation in each one of them.

As for the AD debate that seems to be opening up, I too personally would try without. But I guess we all react differently - I was the opposite to depressed and went a bit manic - desperately building a new life, making myself do things that were outside my comfort zone to show I could handle it all and not let him make me another fucking victim (I even nearly accidentally killed myself when I cut the wire on the hedge cutters because I was determined to be able to do it on my own, but was crying so much when I was doing it, couldn't really see and cut through the wire).

I think whatever gets you through is the way and if that is AD's then so be it, but I do still think summoning your very own strength from the pits of your being and deciding that you are not going to be beaten by this asshole is the best way

Hope you are OK

Had 3 unknown number missed calls on my mobile this late this afternoon and I just know it was from the police. Now I am anxious about what they wanted and am thinking the CPS dont want to pursue it or something equally horrible. Its poor communication isnt it? None of us can be glued to our phones 24/7.

LadyBlahBlah thats sounds dreadful about the Relate course. Are those courses part of a community type sentence? I can totally understand where you are coming from about the manic behaviour and the hedge cutter! I've been there. I know I'm not depressed for now so I am just going to go with the sleeping tablets and keep summoning that strength you mentioned.

Phone them back (if it is indeed the Police). The anxiety of wondering what the call is about and avoiding it will be worse than whatever it is they want to talk to you about. It may even be good news, or an opportunity for further action on your part!

I am still waiting and still wondering :( I've phoned and it looks like it is going to be this evening now as the pc isnt on duty till then who is dealing with it. This is the longest day ever. I have a stonking headache AND had an incident (which I cant go into as too complicated and would out me) of indirect controlling behaviour from stbx which upset a friend of mine in the process.

I cant bear the wait. I've even googled the statistics but cant find anything relevant. I want to know how many are charged that are interviewed. If charged the stats look quite promising. They have gone up a lot in the past few years.

So many people just dont understand. I was asked today by a friend who is also a professional in the health sector "why" I was worried!!! She was the one who originally said stbx was "losing his boundaries" and that I needed to report it for my own safety!! She also said said I dont suppose the interview will be too late this evening as he would want to get it over with before he goes out for the evening!! I said I would hope that the police decided when and where not the person on bail. Sorry to put these exclamations marks in so often but really shocked and have never been able to make the smilies work.

It really is unacceptable. THere is a story today about almighty police fuck ups that left a woman in danger.
[http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2089370/Police-apologise-family-nurse-murdered-estranged-husband-weeks-staff-dismissed-harassment-quarrel.html here]
I obviously do not want to scare you unnecessarily. But no one ever knows which one is going to cross that line and the police have a duty to protect you.
Have they got back to you?

Yes. He has been charged. Court faces me now. I'm not sure I should continue to post even though I would really like to. Believe it or not still no bail conditions and if he wants to he can enter my house quite legally. :(

Get legal advice wrt protecting yourself. You may not 'legally' be able to change the locks, but if his only recourse would be to take you to court to force access, then you'd be able to stave him off, and also put your case in court, backed by the fact he's been charged.