What on earth do I do with this nugget of information now?

[thekittensmittens]

I am a regular but name changed for this as its pretty bad.

Me and ex H split two years ago. It was never really a marriage at all he was unfaithful from weeks in. Over the past two years he has tried to "win" me back, although still seeing other women, still putting his social life first, verbally abusing me at three monthly intervals or thereabouts. All the while crying and whining about how in love with me he still is. Surprisingly I have had no inclination to renew our relationship and have been quite clear about this. Last night he got the message and decided to confess it all. It appears that when I was 8 and 9 months pregnant with our first child he would bring women back to our flat while I was at work and........well it isn't rocket science is it? THis happened a fair few times with one OW in particular, it appears that it was actually her idea. In hindsight I know this to be true as I remember on a few occasions him ringing me at work to check where I was and what time I would be home etc.

So here I was happily getting over everything even planning a few dates and now I am right back to square one. I hate and despise him and the final excuses that I was making for him ie, he was screwed up from his childhood, it was the alcohol, he didn't really mean it, he loves me deep down etc have now been swept away. He hated me didn't he? He really hated me, he told me all this with absolute glee and to do that to your pregnant wife in the first place? I was completely oblivious by the way, thought we were totally in love and happy, we were having sex often, so he endangered our baby as well.

So now I will not be going on any dates because I am right back where I was two years ago, with not one atom of trust for anyone in me. The hurt feels as fresh as it did years ago when I first found out but at least I hate his guts now so that makes it easier. Just don't know where to go now. Its hard to realise how much hate and lack of respect someone had for you, someone you loved so much. Someone who was doing this while all the time telling you they loved you and doing lovely coupley things with you at weekends etc, I do not know how to get over this, I don't think I ever will. I am scarred forever. I feel sick whenever I think about it. Don't really know what I am saying, just wanted to write it all down. THanks for reading.

I honestly don't think it is anything about you that made this man behave this way. He has told you to hurt you and to push you back in your progress. He will always be this way and never have a truly fulfilling relationship because he can't but you will feel better like you once did and you will have a better relationship in the future when you're ready.

I also think writing it all down and getting it out is good for you.

You aren't going to let him win are you? Get back to where you were you were obviously doing great!!

thekitten do you think ex has just said this to hurt you back for saying last night you did not want to get back with him?

But if it is true then thank the lord you have found out now...because what if you did give ex another chance?

But this also could be a plan to stop you trusting men ever again...that way because he can't have you no other man can...ex then still in control...he knows the buttons to push!

I think you need to go on the dates to remind yourself every single man isn't like your ex...and he is thankfully 1 in 1,000.

Weird how he took pleasure in telling you...I am positive it was tit for tat in his head.

Oh Kittens, what a total, utter bastard. He can see you are moving on with your life, so why not add a little poison to the mix, just to set you back. Your life is already so much better without him in it. Just wanted to send you hugs x

All his confession has done is show you how right you were to get shot in the first place - so your instincts must be pretty reliable! If he stops you ever being with another (nicer) man, he wins again doesn't he?

I think you should carry on as you were and flipping well go

Don't you dare let this excuse for a man cause you any more upset

Also is there a chance he is making this up just to cause the maximum hurt and upset to you?

Thank gawd you got rid of him when you did :)

its just classic sour grapes on his part - he cant have you back so he is now doing whatever he can to hurt you and rub salt into the wounds.

rest assured that you did the right think ditching this pathetic twat, and carry on with your life where you left off.

No I don't think he hated you. I think what he did was hateful though. I also think it's possible the OW hated you, if it was her suggestion that they violated your home.

I think this is just him hitting back because he realises he's lost control and power over you now. If you're thinking of responding to what he's disclosed, I'd smile and tell him that you want to thank him for giving you the finality that is always needed in these situations, that it has helped you to stop finding reasons or excuses for his behaviour and means that you can enter the future without regret for what might have been, because it would never have been possible to be happy with someone who put you and his unborn child at such grave risk.

Try and see this as a gift of sorts. It wasn't intended as one, but it's up to you how you receive it and what significance you attach to it.

I'm sorry he's said all of this to you :( He's a complete bastard isn't he. I can imagine how much it has shocked you and hurt you afresh, but take a few days then have a good think about things.

HE is a bastard, HE can't be trusted, HE treat you badly... it had nothing to do with you per se, it was all about him.

I would suggest you would be far better off getting yourself back on track and going on your dates - hopefully meeting some nice guys who wouldn't dream of behaving like that.

If you let him put you back 2 years - YOU are letting him win. YOU are suffering not him! YOU are stronger than that, I know you are!!

I think what he did was helpful *telling you), he may have meant it to hurt you, but use it positively! You were right, you're well rid, he's a loser!!!!

He has done you the biggest favour he could. Now you can totally move on and go find someone so much better which is reading this totally what you deserve! DO NOT go backwards just think what a narrow escape you had and go and find one of the good guys. They do exist.

Agree with Vicar it's definitely sour grapes. He can see you moving on and he cannot believe that you're not succumbing to his advances so he's being spiteful. His actions are nothing to do with you he's a selfish, arrogant dickhead. I know it's tough, but the best thing you can do is treat him with indifference and ignore him.

this fresh info for hurt for a while op. it deserves your attention and the hurt will pick at that wound, but you will start to get your resolve back.

You must feel so angry to be 're-hurt' iyswim? Yet, it will get processed, and you will get through it one day at a time, i promise. One day at a time. x

Don,t let this put you of meeting new people it,s going to hurt what he said its brought it all back for you, and taken you back to that crappy place again. HE did a favour in telling you. least you no what a true bastard he is be greatful you have your life back and move on. it is a case of sourgrapes dont let this bastard destroy your life.

So sorry for you. :(

What a sad little boy (and boy he is, so emotionally immature).

I'd hazard a guess he didn't hate you to begin with, but grew resentful when you were pg because all your attention wasn't focused on him and his ego.
This is so sad for you, at a time when you are needing his support the most.

Not all men are like this, plenty are like me and you and don't need to feel superior to someone else in order to feel good about themselves.

I'd guess he doesn't like that your moving on happily as it makes him feel even more unworthy. I'd think he is only happy when everyone else is miserable.

I hope you can process shock and came to terms with the hurt you feel. xx

Thanks for all your replies. I don't really know what to think. I loved him so much and I was totally unaware, completely clueless, if someone had told me what he was doing, no matter who they were, nothing could have made me believe them.

It's definitely true, in hindsight, there are little things I remember now that pointed to it. After ds was born we went on holiday and he had to fly back a day early and then mine and ds flight was delayed by nearly 24 hours, he went totally off line, didn't call to check progress the whole time and when we eventually got back he was hung over and shifty, lots of things like that.

I do think he has done this now he sees me moving on, I have lost a lot of weight, go out with friends now where I never did before. But it doesn't change that it is all new horrendous information and it has come as a huge shock. OW didn't even know me, never met me, why would she suggest that?

He is on top of the world today, loads of "practical, detailed" texts about kids access arrangements etc. Feeling back in control after delivering his news no doubt.

I do feel more free there is no more emotion or confusion tied up in it all now.

I don't think I will go on the dates, just not up to it but at least I don't feel guilty for leaving him anymore. Maybe I will get over it all quicker than before.

If he starts trying to tell you awful things again could you just tell him to stop - you don't want to know or hear any more from him thank you very much.

What does he hope to achieve by telling you all this, it is like he is crowing about it all. What a git.

OW - who knows? Maybe he told her a bunch of lies about you having left him or maybe she's just a bitch? Who knows?? Best to try not to dwell on it or try to work out what the hell that bastard and some other woman you don't know were thinking...that way madness lies.

I think you should go on the dates - just view them as 'nights out' or a 'bit of practice' it doesn't need to be 'serious dating' :)

You need to get over it quicker - you can't waste another two years on this git. Try to just enjoy not feeling guilty anymore!

OK, so you know that he said what he said to derail you, right?

He told you this nugget to pull your life up short, again. You see that don't you?

So WHY are you cancelling dates? Just meet for coffee! They are not going the be THE one true love of your life, but you need to feel desired, respected and interesting again.

If you stop in, as this MOFO wants you to, HE has won. And HE doesn't have the right to shut your life down.

Take a day or so, but keep the dates. They will do you good, put you back in a position of control.

I heard something on radio 4 last year that has stuck with me ever since. A psychiatrist was asked why some people did evil things. He said 'those who can't create, can destroy'. It was the only way some people could have power and make an impact on others. They didn't have the capacity to love others and be remembered for their kindness, so they hurt them. It was all they could do.

I found that really helpful. I think the problem can be when someone treats you really appallingly, that you spend too much time trying to understand why and looking for motives. He sounds a very damaged person and I hope in time you will feel pity for him or even gratitude that he helped you get out without wasting of your life on him.

How indescribably awful. I feel grubby just reading about what he did.

Remember though that he must be a deeply screwed up and unhappy person to behave in such a vile way. You are better than him and in future years you will be happy and settled and he will still be a miserable fucked-up bastard.

(I know another woman who had a very similar experience... she is one of the kindest, nicest people I know and I wonder whether this sort of man somehow reacts against goodness by behaving horribly.)

spero that's a very interesting idea. His professions of "love" have had no impact so he dropped this on me to get a reaction.

It's VERY grubby isn't it? He told me in various messages afterwards that his conscience is clear, it was just sex, get over it, no regrets etc etc etc, that I'm only pissed off because he did it before I could . I thought we were happy, I totally loved him, it would not have crossed my mind to ever do what he did.

Things look a bit better today. Yesterday was horrendous, felt so low. I'm glad in a way though, I have total closure now and never have to feel guilty and that I wasn't "enough" anymore. I always sort of blamed myself before, but this could never be my fault, yes to maybe be unfaithful because he was unhappy or dissatisfied but to bring women to MY home and put our unborn child in danger, I could never have deserved that. I hate him and feel sick when I think about him.

I am still going on my date next week. It doesn't have to mean too much, just a drink.

How can anyone do things like this and feel justified. That's what I can't get past. That someone you loved and trusted could do that and then tell you their conscience is clear?! Madness.

Madness indeed, and there's no point looking for sense in madness.

Is there any way you can limit your contact with him really down to dropping off the children, and perhaps arrangements by email/text? I just think he's taking advantage of the fact you have to speak with him to continue to exert some hold over you. I would put the phone down, walk away when he starts to say how much he loves you or cheated on you.

Who cares- you are free of him, which is probably the best thing that ever happend to you. I think this will be a turning point for you in seeing that you are much better off now. He'd done his worst, he's played his trump-card, he has nothing left to do and you still don't care about him. I would move on and find a way to limit his conversations dramatically, simply don't listen to this stuff anymore.