New partner just admitted he suffers from schizophrenia

[Biancosmum]

My 6 month partner just said that he suffers from paranoiac schizophrenia and is under strong medication and care for it . It left me me numb and still very unsure of how to react and what implications it would have long term if we did start a family together. Anyone with relevant advice or has been through something similar please?

< But remember anyone can get I'll - it's the same kind of issues you'd be facing if you were with someone with diabetes or heart disease - it might rear its head, it might not.>

But it is not really the same. You can have a better idea of what is potentially ahead of you with some physical conditions. Even if someone is substantially physically disabled the sick person can still be there for the healthy person emotionally (the most important part of a relationship). There would normally be a stable core personality in the person with a physical health condition, which may not be the case with people with certain MH conditons.

But with some MH conditions the person can have a lot of relapses which can be very scary/draining (it does depend on the condition and how badly the person has it). The personality of the person with the MH condition might change dramatically some of the time, and sometimes very quickly. Medication can cause problems such as emotional deadening. Or sometimes the meds just don't work well for the condition, or because of side effects (or the sick person deciding they are now "cured") people can come off meds and relapse (personally this would be one of my major worries in this situation).

I knew someone who married someone with schizophrenia and he was basically abusive and unavailable emotionally (admitedly she was not very nice either!). Though this was years ago and medication could be better now.

I would not be happy that they kept this to themselves for so long either, even if it is understandable. He really should have brought this up earlier.

Personally I would probably bolt because of the experience the person I knew had with a schizophrenic partner, but it would probably be more sensible if you like him you could find out more and then make a decision. Find out especially if he has ever come off his meds and relapsed as this can be a big problem. You probably cannot fully trust his family to be honest (as they might be so happy for him that they sugar coat things in order not to scare you off, or they might be exhasuted from it all if it was very bad, and be happy that someone else is around to be a carer) but maybe you will still find out things from them.

You could maybe see about going with him to his next psychiatry appointment? You could have a chat together then. There will be confidentiality issues for the psychiatrist (they won't be able to tell you anything about him without his permission) but if you ask a question that doesn't get answered you will know what to dig a little deeper about.

Personally I think it is ok to have misgivings, and you should not feel pressurised into keeping seeing this person because you are worried about appearing prejudiced. Yes anything could happen to anyone, and anyone's partner, into the future, but it doesn't mean one should walk into a potential nightmare either or ignore ones gut instinct, red flags etc.

"Personally I think it is ok to have misgivings, and you should not feel pressurised into keeping seeing this person because you are worried about appearing prejudiced."

Totally agree.

Yes, prejudice, izzywizzy. Without knowing anything else about this man, apart from his diagnosis, some would dismiss him because the relationship would be too difficult.

I totally get that some could not cope with serious and uncontrolled mental illness and everyone has to make that choice for themselves. But saying that you would unequivocally tell your children to dump someone with a mental health problem is prejudiced.

Sam I think I meant that this illness - like any other chronic illness - does affect a partner, but does not have to be a deal breaker. Meds for any condition can have unpleasant side effects, including emotional / sexual ones. The partner with a chronic illnesses might relapse. They might be unable the earn for periods of time. Other life decisions will be affected by their illness. They might die younger than otherwise. Their partner might have caring responsibilities in the future. This could be true of schizophrenia or diabetes.

But people with both these conditions might be wonderful. You might fall head over heels in love with them, because they were funny, clever and attractive. They might be the best partner you could ever wish for, and they might never actually get ill because of their condition.

Also, seaofchange, it's important to remember that schizophrenia does not mean voices / delusions about killing others, or even yourself. The delusions can be anything - that you are the pope, that you are being spied on, that you were a cat in a past life and can talk to cats - whatever. Some people have delusions or hear voices they find positive.

Hi Abird, yes that is true. There are a lot of things to think about. I suppose in my experience I would find in general the challenges of a physical health condition a lot easier to deal with than a mental health condition (in general, anyone can be a twat of course!). But it would depend on the person, what it was, their coping skills etc.

I know that Abird I was trying to get it accross quick and simple and I reread after I post most;y hence lots of typos (which isnt a symtom of schizophrenia ) sorry JOKE from last week...well if some feels they are Jesus and thinks they are doing good and feel great who are we to judge:) but if that person thinks they will live forever and start to take risks ..see if they can jump inforont of lorries...well hey that aint a good one for their physocal health! They usually die younger because of the nasty side effects of the drugs that induce diabetes and heart diseases.
seaofchange your the second person to call me that tonite a sign or calling me thinks to change my nickname ps I would love to have grandiose delusions..it would cheer me up!

Why has he kept it to himself this long though? that's a bit of a worry.

Sam, yes, I think lots of people might have more worries about mental health. I'm not sure how it plays out in practice - I guess you're right, so much depends on the person. Many of us are going to have to deal with our partners getting dementia at some point, which I find a sobering thought.

Sea, you are right - delusional thoughts are only a problem if they create risk or make the person unhappy. I am a Christian - many people might consider me delusional, but since it makes me happy and prompts me to do good, not harm to myself and others, no need for the meds yet

Olympia: FFS! Because he likes the OP and is scared she will run off and refuse to date a nutter, that's why. He kept it quiet on the first few dates because just about everyone will bolt if you say the minute you meet someone that you have MH issues. Then he would have thought, well let's wait and see, and then he would have moved on to thinking 'But I really like her, and if I tell her, she might dump me,' and then finally he decided to be brave and tell her.

I met a man when I was about 29 - 30, we knew each other as friends for a while then had a couple of dates, got on great etc after which he told me had various MH issues and was on meds. I am not proud to admit that I ended the relationship. It frightened the fuck out of me; I was ignorant and prejudiced and was looking for the perfect man with whom to have children.

I understand your misgivings 100% OP and think you have been given some excellent advice. If you have been together for 6 months, then clearly you like this man a lot. Only you can say whether or not you like him enough to continue with this. I feel very sorry for him - as indeed I now feel very sorry for the man that I rejected. But sympathy and pity are not reasons to carry on with a relationship. I wish you all the best.

MH issues or not, lying, omitting this kind of thing. It isn't a great start.

Sgb.... Ffs right back at you!

People often keep health issues private, until they really trust someone. It's impossible to tell from the op how far their relationship has developed. I was engaged after 6 months with dh - I would have been very upset if he had not told me by then. But plenty of people are still at the getting- to - know - you stage, in which case it's fine. Only the op can judge really if he told her at the right time.

But it's not unreasonable of him to be careful with this info, and only tell women he really wants to go somewhere with. Maybe he is tryharder's ex and wants it to go differently this time!

I don't think he has lied Olympia...

Op says 'admitted' which kind of implies she knew there was something he wasn't telling her. Did you have an inkling op?

well if I had say cancer of private part in past I would not disclose it on first few dates even...only when I started to think their may be more and I want them to know everything about me...cancer and schizophrenia are actually connected in so many ways...some people develop cancer due to the cell growing abnormally or 'genetitic' factor same with schizophrenia...now OP if you were saying the person had a Personality Disorder I would tell you to RUN...most people with schizophrenia I know are the brightest (physistists, law degrees etc) but lovely people who have just not been able to cope with stress ...we all ahve stress in life it is just some peoples coping to develop schizophrenia/cancer/heart disease etc is lower in some than others.

yes but bloody hell taking on a partner who is allergic to stress is a major life decision and having a kid with them - well, you had better be stronger than you know you are, OP.

Yes I agree, takes a certain kind of person! Lots of strength required

My ex had bpd. Split us in the end though

There are some things it is unethical not to disclose to a new partner straight away or at least before you have sex (HIV/AIDS or herpes spring to mind) but an illness that is a) controlled with medication and b) the sort that a lot of people are fucking ignorant and prejudiced about is not one of them. If you have MH issues that are under control, when you start dating someone, it's not just about wondering if they are going to be tolerant enough to keep dating you, it's also about assessing whether or not you can trust the person to have this information and not run off telling all their friends that you are a wierdo, or treat you with condescenscion or unkindness once they know this. Dating is about getting to know someone and letting them get to know you. It's not at all unreasonable to be cautious with personal information in the early stages.

seaofyou, I have a personality disorder - thanks for your comment. I'll let my partner he's barking up the wrong tree.

People with personality disorders have a shit enough time, don't really need to read on the internet that people would advise their family and friends not to date me because I am ill.

This thread has really opened my eyes to how some people still feel about mental illness.

OP, I think it's totally understandable if you can't cope with his illness. It's a personal choice. Each situation is totally different - quite sure my partner didn't think he'd end up with someone who has a personality disorder and there have been times when it's had a bad affect on him. But normally we both cope ok.

I too have a major mental illness - bipolar disorder. I am also a senior psychologist,married with kids. After my diagnosis ( on my second episode) I have remained well and symptom free on meds
I also know a senior nurse who has a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia who is also married with kids
Judge the individual, not the illness. Get well informed about his experience of his illness. My DH reminds me its like having diabetes when I feel downhearted about my diagnosis. As he says I wouldn't expect him to leave me if I was daignosed with diabetes so why is this any different? Good luck

yellowraincoat I meant psychopaths...are you a psychopath?...are you sure cause you are showing very good empathy?

But if you are a true psychopath yes I would tell your husband to run! As there isn't no meds for a psychopath as they don't believe they are wrong...and it isn't really seen as an illness but a 'different/disordered' personality. Not many people are aware they are psychopaths ....how did you find out?

What I am trying to compare is someone with schizophrenia can be ill they are unwell when experiencing psychosis....psychopaths are NOT unwell...their is no cure as of yet. Treatment makes them worse so forget CBT!

People with schizophrenia are no different to anyone else...and being 'allergic' to stress...arn't we all? you wouldn't have this website for starters with women depressed/anxiety/eating disorders etc ...stress affects everyone in different ways...it is down to our individual cell development weather we go on to develop PTSD or depression or schizophrenia or cancer or diabetes or MS or dementia...every cell is effected by stress which can be psychological/biological/neurological/phsyiological etc...

welldonehandmedown I know psychiatrist consultants with MBP, barrister with schizophrenia and physist..it still shows there is still a lack of knowledge of this illness. Butt mostly positive which is v good to read:)

sorry was thinking of mylein basic protein I meant BPD

Hmmm. I'm mentally ill (oh, you guessed?!) and I wouldn't inflict myself on a new partner. I function below normal levels in many areas and my meds have blotted out 95% of my libido. I wouldn't want a relationship with anyone who'd want one with me, because he'd have to be either a user or a carer - not an equal, either way.

I've just realised I'm waffling way off your topic, OP, sorry! Am going to post anyway, as I rarely get a chance to discuss this aspect of being hopelessly fucking depressed.

WRT your boyfriend - I don't think abird's post can be bettered. It's good to know; it's reasonable to find out more and be cautious; it's not 'wrong' to discontinue your relationship due to one aspect of his personality. There are lots of valid reasons for finishing a relationship, but not a single one for continuing it if you're uncomfortable about something.

Seaofyou, I would just like to point out to the op that some of the links you have made between schizophrenia and cancer, and schizophrenia and autism are not generally accepted in the usual medical model, as far as I am aware. I am not saying you are wrong, or right, but I think it might be helpful for the op to get an understanding of the 'usual' understanding of this illness, before introducing her to some of the debates around the edges, as it were. The usual understanding is that schizophrenia is due to chemical changes in the brain, but can be precipitated by stressful events.

I would also be wary of generalising about personality disorders. It is a very broad term covering a broad spectrum. It is very different to schizophrenia - some even question whether these disorders should come under the mental health label at all. Bear in mind that unlike schizophrenia, a personality disorder is with you for life, and, as you say, is not usually considered a 'curable' thing (although there are coping mechanisms etc that can really improve people's lives). I think, therefore, that it is perhaps more helpful to consider it as a disability rather than an illness, and show the same sensitivity when discussing the issue as you would if discussing other disabilities.

Respect to all the posters who have talked about their own illnesses on this thread, I think it is really valuable to demonstrate that these issues really can affect anyone, but are not necessarily a life sentence.

Hi OP, one other factor that might be worth considering is aspects to your own personality (I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you - bear with me for a minute while I try to explain).

Are you good at setting boundaries? Are you good at standing you good at standing up for yourself (in a healthy way)? Are you inclined to be co-dependent? There is a good piece here on the characteristics of co-dependency in case you don't know what that is nightvisionforwomen.com/codependency.aspx

I mention this because of how I am myself. I would not quite trust myself to do the best by myself, if I was with someone who could be mentally or emotionally unstable (your boyfriend may be stable so this could be irrelevant).

I think I would be too inclined to put their needs first all the time. I think that I would worry about stressing them and potentially triggering an episode, so would probably end up keeping a lot of stuff to myself and end up not getting enough emotional support from them. There would be a danger that I would let too many bad/destructive behaviours slide which could end up in a total mess in the end.

There are other reasons I would not want to get into a relationship with someone unstable (mostly I have already had enough of it in my life), but definitely my crappiness at boundary setting, and inclincation to be a bit of a push-over, would be a factor in my deciding who to go out with or be friends with or be around generally.