Please help...big decision re ex, ds and home

[easeldoesit]

Hi. Namechanger here (supersoakers, naice ham etc, I'm a big AF fan too).

I desperately need advice this weekend and I've nobody to talk to in RL. I feel like I'm having a breakdown wrt the situation with my ex and ds. It's complicated I'm afraid.

Ex and I separated when I was pg (he didn't want it). Since then he has been a 'sporadic' parent (coming and going from the UK, didn't always 'have time' even when he was here). Over the last couple of yrs however he has had regular contact.

He is a misogynist, however, and very nasty and controlling towards me. We had a friendship, if you could call it that, until I realised how depressed and anxious he was making me. He wanted to hang out with us (me) all the time. Got angry/stopped talking to me if he thought I was seeing anyone. Paranoid about me having any new relationship (I never have, really). Withholding babysitting if he didn't like the idea of what I was doing. Anyway, I decided to sever contact with him myself, for my own mental health. Without wanting to interfere in his relationship with ds, I said it was fine to continue their contact as it was but I didn't want to see/speak to him unless it was anything to do with ds.

Ex took this really badly. For over a year now he's been threatening me with lawyers, social workers. Calling me a c*, unfit mother. Harrassment calls (30/40 times per hour at the worse times). Vulgar texts. Has shouted at me in front of ds.

Worse, he has involved ds. He encourages him to lie to me, and to teachers. Tells him out and out lies about me (eg that I'm stopping him seeing him.) Tells ds he (ex) cries all the time because I'm so horrible. Ds is very distressed by this, depressed and angry (rude and aggressive) has a referral to CAMHS.

Ex says it's my fault and I'm the one making ds unhappy because I won't be ex's friend.

I have been to WA and spent a week in a refuge to get away from the harrassment and have a break. It was great, but of course I had to come baack to the same old problems. Ex currently has no PR, name not on birth certificate. He wants to be given PR and massively increase his access, I guess he wants 50/50. I'm not happy with this, because of the way he behaves, basically like someone off Jeremy Kyle (sorry). He has no qualms about what he is doing, involving ds in very adult matters, he says I'm horrible and ds needs to know :(

In a panic last week, because I'm only sleeping 3hrs a night, anxious all the time etc, I decided to leave town. I love my town, we have a lovely home. I have no money and no friends but we have a secure rented property and I've been here for years. But I went and handed my notice in and phoned a removal company, and arranged for them to take all my stuff to my parents home. I don't want to go there, it's in a horrible town and I hate it and my family are not close (they are ok people but 'issues', though they are supportive and want us to come).

I woke up screaming in the night last night. I don't want to move. But every day, every single day I get grief from this man. He is turning my son against me, my whole experience of parenting is being slowly poisoned, ds's childhood is being poisoned.

But I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. My plan (such as it is) is to just disappear. If I stay where I am, this will never let up. Ex will press for increased rights and my son will be pulled further away from me. Of course although he is unhappy ds loves his dad. He also has extended family here.

WA encouraged me to go and have offered further refuge. I saw a solicitor, they said don't go, as ex could easily track me down, and it would look bad in future legal proceedings if I disappear/suddenly cease regular contact.

So...basically, I have until Monday. I could cancel removal, ring my landlord and say change of plan. Then I get to stay in my beautiful town, in our own space, ds continues to see his dad, but my own problems with ex will never cease, and ds will likely compy his father and end up hating me and all women too.

Or, I continue with the plan to move to my parents, to be sharing a tiny room with ds, penniless, jobless, having to find a new house in one of the most expensive parts of the country, missing my old home.

Or, I go back to WA, and ask them to hide me again, which is a short term solution, I know. (To be fair, I don't think I'm much of a worthy cause, but they have been great, and they have space for me, and would be able to keep me in reasonable distance from where I am now).

I don't know what to do, am going round in circles. Ex has been like this for 8yrs, on and off, but it's been so bad in the last yr. I've been having thoughts like, I should just go, leave them both to it, it's a lost cause. He freely admits to being a controller of women, he thinks it's funny.

Please help. Sorry for extreme length and dramatic tone.

Firstly i'd take WA up on their offer. If nothing else it will give you breathing space to rationally work out the way forward.

I'd say with the sort of behaviour he's exhibiting it's the courts and CAFCASS every time.

PS I did call the police about the phone calls and texts, their DA advisor was sympathetic and took it seriously, but the officers they sent round to take a statement basically said ex wasn't doing anything wrong, he was just upset/frustrated, and I shouldn't involve them because he hasn't committed any offence.

I agree with Sparks, go to refuge if it's been offered and is an available option. They will be able to support you with your problems with dc and arranging future contact between dc and ex. The contact you had with the police officers sounds very disappointing. You were right to involve them as he is committing an offence of harassment by texting you so frequently.

Id get a solicitor letter sent stating that if he continues in this manner you will get an in junction to stop him contacting you and all further access will be via a contact centre, dont move go the legal route, get an injunction you can do that for mental cruelty.

Sit down with your child and tell hm the truth about his father, tell him his father is making you ill..

YOu could run but you would need to change your name by deed poll and that of your child.

Personally right now Id with hold access and make him take you to court.

Id also change your numbers and tell him only to contact you by email.

So you have proof of what he does and how he treats you. If he turns up at your home call the police.

I'm so for you easel! AF isn't often around at weekends (another fan here ) but I'm sure you'll get lots of practical advice soon. Making tea but I'll be back later.

Aren't there laws now regarding stalking. Which is basically what your ex is doing if he rings you that often.

Are you or have you been married to this man?

I think those officers behaved very poorly and you should go back to the DA unit and tell them the response you had from their people. I know it's not easy to fight on all fronts, but I can't believe they were correct in saying he wasn't doing wrong.

Can your solicitor get some sort of no contact order/injunction set up, so that the police would definitely have something to charge him with if he breached it?

If I were you, I'd go into the refuge again to regroup and give yourself a little more time to decide.

How old is your ds? How often does this 'regular' contact take place - is it in person, or by skype sessions, telephone calls etc?

You poor poor thing.

I agree with kodachrome. You should go back to the police, and go to the refuge for a while to have a break, and get some time to think through what the next steps are.

What comes across here is that you love your home and feel secure there. I'd cancel the removal and tell the landlord.
If your ex ends up hassling you at your parents then you'll have nowhere else to go and lost your home.
Phone WA asap to get you away. Sounds like you have very clear grounds for a non-molestation order and that the police haven't taken seriousness of this onboard. While you are in refuge sort out solicitor and legal advice. Ex should be having supervised contact with no contact whatsover between you.
Make sure But don't let the twunt push you away from your home. Good luck

I agree with fabbychic. He sounds like a nutter and if you run he will probably just find you. And anyway why should you give it all up because of him. You will be forever looking over your shoulder too! His behaviour sounds completely unreasonable to me so on that grounds I would also withhold access. Let him take you to court. Go to the refuge for some breathing space and change all your numbers in the meantime. Maybe you could also see your dr about your justified anxiety levels. He may be able to signpost you for some anxiety management sessions. You need to be as strong as you can so you can fight this waste of space dad!

Thanks for all your replies, it means so much I can't even say.

Ex sees DS once a week for tea, and a one night sleepover at the weekend. He's never had a problem with access before, it's only since I attempted to cut off contact with me personally. DS loves going round there because he's allowed to stay up til silly o'clock playing computer.

I'm so scared of what will happen if we go to the courts and he's granted PR (which he will be), he is demanding and does things deliberately to be in opposition to me. He also interrogates ds about his unhappiness and links it with me, he has threatened me with recordings he has made of such conversations they have had, that he is going to go to SS.

I honestly have made every effort to accommodate him. I keep and pay for an extra phone so he can speak to his son. I pick up ds in the car wice a week so he doesn't have to drag him around on buses etc. He has more access in the holidays and I've let him choose the days he wants. He shows no appreciation for any of this, it's never enough. If ds says he doesn't want to stay over for X nights in a row then ex sends me a load of abuse, saying I'm manipulating them both. If he wants to swap days and I say it's not convenient, I get a similar response.

I think you're right about going back to WA. Just hope I haven't freaked my landlord out by being a flake.

Not married and never have been, thank god.

So sorry you are going through this. What a nightmare and no suprise you feel so desperate. Your ex sounds just like mine and if I could have I would have just dissapeared. I couldn't because his name is on DSs birth certificate which is when they can do seek and find order.

But otherwise I would have done it and still wish I'd been able to (he's put us through hell in court). All I'll say is if you do it, cover everything, change names, car, phone, everything. xxxx

Involve all the professionals you can, including WA and get court orders to keep this man away from you. It can be done. No adult can be forced to maintain contact with another adult. You can insist that all arrangements for this man to see DS are made via a third party: remember the courts are only interested in DS having access to his father, that's the priority. Though given his father's behaviour it is possible that Cafcass etc will back you on stopping contact for the moment because this horrible bellend's behaviour is harming DS.
And talk to DS, tell him (in a way appropriate to his age) that Daddy is being silly and unkind to you, and so you are not friends with Daddy but DS can see his dad whenever he wants. However, he mustn't let it worry him when Daddy says nasty things, because they are not true and it's just Daddy being silly.

I wouldn't leave your home. Cancel the move.

Another vote for staying put .

I agree. He'll get used to you standing up to him. A lot of these will be empty threats. Well done for being strong - you're showing your ds that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable.

Stay put
Legal route- IE he has to persue it via courts
Supervised contact with DS only
Change phone numbers

What SGB said.
You do not have to put up with that level of abuse.
He is playing mind games with you and your ds (like saying he has some recordings. TBH, if he has any of these it is likely to show how he is manipulating his son).
Contact the WA again, take opn their offer so you can start thinking straight and take any offer/advice they have. Because, they are not helping you because they are nice peole but because you and your ds are being emotionally abused by your ex.
If your ds has been refered to CAHMS, what are they saying? Where do they thik the problem is coming from?
How old is your ds?

DS is 8. His CAMHS appointment is on Monday. I'm still in a flux because it's all so urgent. Removals want their deposit on Tues night, like I said I handed in my notice on my flat last Friday so if I want to put a stop to that I have to phone them ASAP (it's a rental agency, don't know if they've told the landlord yet).

Part of me wants to leave because the further we are from him the better, really. But in practical/financial terms it will be devastating, finding a new home, new job, new school, and living in pretty comprimised conditions with my family in the interim.

I want to stay where I am but he is here :(

If you have never been married and your X has never applied for parental responsibility then your DS doesn't have to see your X at all.

I know some people think there is an absolute right for a child to see its father, BUT if the father is a wanker and the child does not benefit from the contact then I think the child also has a right to be protected from the parent. Not fashionable I know but to me this is common sense.

So if DS's contact with X is causing such problems that you have a referal to CAMHS then what on earth are you still allowing contact for? Your X has no legal right. You have created this situation and you can end it.

Stop contact. Move to parents, then start again. I know it's very hard to move back in with parents but you have to put your DS's needs first and it sounds like that definitely means getting the X out of both your lives.