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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Question to adults with AS

35 replies

KnowYourself · 14/01/2012 11:53

So, I am getting more and more convinced that H is somewhere on the spectrum. He is probably 'doing well' as he isn't displaying some of the very blatant signs of AS but nevertheless.
Now, he is also a very angry person and it comes out in a passive-agressive way which is driving me nuts tbh.

My question is: Can you expect someone with AS to control his anger and stop being PA/emotinally abusive?

Some of H responses are hurtful but I could deal with it if we could have a better communication/knowing more about AS.
eg: Was going to tell the dcs a few days ago about the death of a relative. DH knew about it. I asked the dcs to come over which they were not keen on. dc1 lied down on the sofa and DH started to tell him off because he wasn't sitting down. Wrong time, wrong comment.

However, I can not and will not accept EA comments.
eg: Something happens between DH and dc1. H gets upset and then proceed to blank me out, not talk to me, just being awkward and difficult. I do not want to accept responsability to manage his anger and make things smooth because he can not manage his own anger of that makes sense.

But is that realistic?

OP posts:
Original poster
KnowYourself · 14/01/2012 12:14

bump

OP posts:
MostlyFine · 14/01/2012 12:31

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, I just didn't want to read and run.

Have you ever discussed your thoughts with your DH? Would he be likely to agree to seek help?

I know many AS children who have learned to manage their anger in more constructive ways but I don't have an insight into how difficult it may be for an adult... ie would standard anger management courses/counselling be a viable option?

Hopefully someone much more knowledgeable than myself will be along soon.

Original poster
KnowYourself · 14/01/2012 12:44

Thank :).

OP posts:
whatstheetiquette · 14/01/2012 13:31

If he has got this far in life (ie job, family, house etc), then the autism excuse doesn't wash with me. He just sounds like an angry man.

I speak as someone who has autistic family members and I'm probably one of them.

Original poster
KnowYourself · 14/01/2012 13:44

He is very angry.
I find so difficult to know when he is saying/doing something hurtful because he didn't quite get the situation or because he is trying to get at me in a PA way.
If he was to able to do something about it, then I would consider putting more effort into improving communication etc... as long as he is doing it too.
If there is no chance of it, then I really need to consider leaving at that. It's no life, neither for me or for the dcs.

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 14/01/2012 14:02

My DF, and me, have AS I am sure of it though we are too old for a proper diagnosis as he's in his 90's and I'm pushing 60. It manifests differently in males and females, as a generalisation.

DF has difficulties managing his emotions, far from being unfeeling I believe he feels them very strongly, then bottles them up, then they come out in a sudden explosion, when this happens I call it stepping on a landmine (me doing the stepping, the explosion is often in reaction to something innocuous I've said which he's taken wrong). He's a sulker, too. My DM waited till both us kids were grown and married, and then left him. They still remain friends and he has actually improved his social skills since then.

He caused a lot of heartache while I was growing up, and through to my 40s, when AS started to be known of more generally. Treating him on the basis that he has it has improved our relationship immensely. He is a kind man, but has hurt us unintentionally eg gave DM a tyre gauge one Christmas because she needed one, and we have been afraid of hurting him in return by telling him so!

He also believes there is one right way of doing anything, usually by following some sort of external rule. This can, of course, cause problems for those who don't have this belief - could this be why he told DC to sit up?

The rows between him and DB, and him and me were stupendous in our teens, and I can't remember what they were about even!

I do think there is hope, I am happy to post more or to PM.

Original poster
KnowYourself · 14/01/2012 14:17

Thanks!
Yes I really think that the incident with the sofa is 'AS'. dc1 was supposed to sit properly to listen to me. That was the important point and he forgot that actually the important one wasn't that but the fact I had to tell them a bad news.
No explosion in our house as such. Obviously, it has been drilled into him that exploding in rage isn't on but shouting at a child is. Probably due of my PIL way of parenting.
I would be happy to work on that.

But there is a lot that isn't due to AS but is just PA behaviour. Do you know if your dad improved the way he controls his anger? What about you? Do you feel that having AS made it more difficult to control your anger?

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 14/01/2012 15:21

I think www.help4aspergers.com is a good site. Why not have a look, and meanwhile I am thinking out my reply to you Smile

WetAugust · 14/01/2012 19:08

If he has AS I would doubt he understands the concept of PA. He is probably just being unknowingly insensitive which is an AS trait.

However he may just be an arse.

ZuzuBailey · 14/01/2012 19:17

This helped me.

ThePinkPussycat · 14/01/2012 19:21

I too think he may not be being PA as such, but is feeling righteously aggreived and bottling it up. One tip is to not rely on hints or sub-text but to say things as clearly, logically and fully as you can. It is a puzzling world for us with AS, we find ourselves pissing other people off without having the slightest clue what we have done wrong. For instance, DF used to make jokes and comments about their weight to woman, I know he has done it to a neighbour as well as me. Once he collected me from the airport after a holiday, his first words, literally, were "You've put on weight" where most people would have asked if I'd had a good time. The last time he did it he was staying with us, I took a deep breath, and explained that most people did not like comments or jokes about their weight, I think it was news to him and he hasn't done it to me since!

ThePinkPussycat · 14/01/2012 19:27

Oh yes, while I'm on, I do still explode with anger sometimes, it is always righteous! Other times I burst into tears of frustration when people don't seem to understand my point. This has not helped me in the world of work!

I am also faily face blind, it takes many repeated meetings before I can truly recognise people properly, many more than it takes them to recognise me, so I have pissed people off by seeming to blank them! Does he have that problem?

MrsMagnolia · 14/01/2012 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KnowYourself · 14/01/2012 20:31

Well tbh I can not sdeparate what could be PA and what could AS. Sometimes it is obviously AS but at other times, it feels more like he is taking the p*.
As I have been doing some reading on Asperger, being PA was noted as one way of AS men to react. Some are very angry/aggressive but for others it express itself in a more 'passive way' (very similar to PA).
Having looked at the definition of being PA, H would certainly fit some of these symptoms too.

I suppose that the bottom line is that I can not cope with the constant anger/aggressivity, even if it is 'contained' because it still comes out at some point and it is still very hurtful.

So in the second example I gave, I wasn't involved in DH's grumpiness. He wanted to do a specific activity that he proposed to the dcs and they didn't want to do it. I can understand he was angry/upset but I am struggling to see why I should always be on the recieving end of his grumpiness, make an effort to 'understand', try to smooth things out, reach out for him etc... I have given up having any emotional support from him a long time ago (something I would have really appreciated just now) but I would appreciate that he could take responsability for his anger.

ZuzuBailey, the document you've linked to describes perfectly how it is for me, both in the description of H behaviour and in the way I feel (incl. burn out and breakdown). One thing that comes out of what Iread is that the behaviour of the AS partner can be abusive, incl with the dcs and that's certainly my experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
KnowYourself · 14/01/2012 20:32

I would give so much for H to actually talk and say what is wrong. If he was exploding like Pink, at least I would know why he is grumpy!

Just feel like an emotional punching ball for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
KnowYourself · 14/01/2012 20:38

Is there any 'group' specialized in counselling AS partners?

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 14/01/2012 20:45

Yes I think it does amount to abuse, albeit a sort of mindless unintentional abuse, the result is the same. I had a look at Zuzu's link, it does look useful, and describes poor DM's experience, we children also suffered, DF finds it almost impossible to give hugs (for some it is painful), and was very very very tight with money. I am sure there are support groups and help for wives/partners such as you, have you come across any when googling?

ThePinkPussycat · 14/01/2012 20:47

x-post, in the past I know I have found such groups on the net.

Original poster
KnowYourself · 14/01/2012 20:58

yes DH doesn't seem to be able to hug the dcs...:(

Ohhh what a mess :(

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 14/01/2012 21:46

FWIW it's likely he loves you very much...

ThePinkPussycat · 14/01/2012 21:49

that may not help you much though, sorry Sad

seaofyou · 14/01/2012 22:32

I'm getting a bit p'd off with the bad misinterp AS is getting on MN lately!

PA isn't a symptoms of AS...they are usually unaware of their responses fwiw

everybody has symptoms of AS/ASD somewhere along the line (esp men)....how do you know your dh hasn't just got PA personality?

Look up personality disorder also...often gets confused with AS. People with AS are not normally emotionally abusive intentionally. So no way PA

ThePinkPussycat · 14/01/2012 22:48

That's one reason I asked about face blindness, SOY. I hope my posts make it clear that AS behaviour can look like PA and feel like abuse to the recipient, but that this is not usually the case (though I see no reason why someone with AS might not employ PA same as anyone).

seaofyou · 14/01/2012 23:02

ThePink a PA is totally in control and will set things up and constantly act out...as you know someone with AS will not be aware they have upset someone and carry on with whatever.
I think OP understanding the communication difficulties someone with AS has will help...also I would 'mirror' the behaviour back and if then you get a bad reaction this isn't AS, if dh doesn't notice then yes AS....at least you are looking at dual disorder here traits of AS but PD possible the cause to these behaviours esp PA/emotional abuse. AS no excuse for emotional abusive behaviour like you suggest! This is why I think you are wrongly labelling your dh and need to look at PDs

ThePinkPussycat · 14/01/2012 23:29

Oh dear I'm not saying it is an excuse, I'm saying that AS behaviour can look and feel like abuse, when it isn't!