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Original poster

Has his son every weekend - AIBU to be put off?

47 replies

LickItUp · 14/01/2012 09:58

I'm giving internet dating a go and have recently started talking to one guy I do like but the only thing putting me off (in a way) is that he has his 5 year old son every weekend. Obviously it's great that he's a committed dad and I know it shouldn't put me off but I can't help wondering how he would have time for a girlfriend if all of his weekends are spent with his son. It's usually the weekends "dating" takes place isn't it? Don't want to invest too much time and effort into this is if it's going to be too difficult. What do you think?

OP posts:

Gumby · 14/01/2012 10:00

It doesn't sound like you're ready to commit to someone with children tbh

housemovehell · 14/01/2012 10:05

Yabu

Original poster

LickItUp · 14/01/2012 10:05

I am, I do have children myself so it would be hypocritical of me to think otherwise. I suppose I'm just used to having every other weekend child-free and I kind of assumed most other parents had the same set-up. I'm just wondering if it did go any further, when would we actually see each other?

OP posts:

TooEasilyTempted · 14/01/2012 10:08

Dating anyone with children is going to be difficult no matter what the regular contact arrangements are. There are frequently changes of plans due to unforeseen problems. Nothing wrong with changing your profile to say you're not interested in responses from anyone with children.

TooEasilyTempted · 14/01/2012 10:09

Oh - x posts - you've got children yourself.

WhatsWrongWithYule · 14/01/2012 10:13

I suppose if they share custody that's a pretty standard situation, especially if both parents live locally. I know someone in that situation and it's always seemed to me it was a good way to give the child an easy structure to the week.

AKissIsNotAContract · 14/01/2012 10:13

If you are only at the early stage of talking to him then you have 2 choices; stop talking to him, or meet him and see how it goes. Perhaps he has access to baby sitters and could meet you in the evenings.

Bonkerz · 14/01/2012 10:13

I met a man via Internet who has his daughter every weekend and half holidays. He is an amazing dad. That's what attracted me to him. He isn't a deadbeat dad and I love he has that much contact. BTW this was 10 years ago and we have been married 9 years and DSD still comes every weekend and Half holidays.

susiedaisy · 14/01/2012 10:14

Yabu there alot of single parents that Do not have every other weekend free, and alot that can't be arsed to see their kids at all, I would see the fact as him wanting his dc everyweekend as showing a positive quality in him tbh, unless of course it turns out he hates havin his kid everyweekend and resents the commitment in which case he would not be worth your time and effort,

WhatsWrongWithYule · 14/01/2012 10:15

Sorry didn't answer your question. I think that yes, you are BU to discount a potentially new partner because he sees more o his child than you think is convenient for you.

BertieBotts · 14/01/2012 10:22

I don't think you are BU - if you're looking for something else then this guy doesn't meet that particular criteria for you.

Gumby · 14/01/2012 10:32

I think it would be best to go for a single guy so you can make the most of your free weekend together but he might be harder to find as a single man might want every weekend Childfree iyswim?

Original poster

LickItUp · 14/01/2012 10:38

It's just me, I know. I'm a selfish cow but no it's great that he shows such commitment to his son. I'll give a go, it will either work out or it won't but if I don't even give it a chance I'll never know.

OP posts:

Heleninahandcart · 14/01/2012 21:57

YANBU to feel this isn't for you

YABU and unfair to start something with this man if you feel like this.

fireflymouse · 14/01/2012 22:28

I dont think your being unreasonable at all, I was a single mum for a time but went out with a few great guys who all accepted and got on fine with my son (that they saw of him but obviously as it was early days they wouldn't see him that much) so then when a guy who happened to have kids from previous relationship came along i thought well 'whoever takes me on takes on my son full time so i can accept his part of the time no problem! Well fast forward a few years and I think i underestimated the level of problems you CAN encounter depending on the relationship with exW and other issues, it will all impact on your relationship.(check out the step parenting forum! I'm not saying discard the guy without even meeting him, if he turns out to be amazing it'll all be worth it maybe, but make an informed decision

solidgoldbrass · 14/01/2012 22:32

It's not unfair to start dating someone. How will you know if you like the person or not without a date or two? ANd how will s/he know if s/he likes you?
It's fine to date someone and then decide the person isn't for you and walk away, no oone is owed a relationship.

exoticfruits · 14/01/2012 22:48

If you can't accept that he comes with a DS I would leave now before you get involved. If he only sees him at the weekend, he isn't going to want to miss one and it would be very unfair to suggest it.

Bogeyface · 15/01/2012 00:18

I dont think that YABU, if it doesnt sit well with you then ok.

But dont start seeing him if your over riding feeling is that you dont like his arrangments

northcountrygirl · 15/01/2012 00:26

I don't think YABU at all. I have 3 kids myself but I think if I was single again it would honestly put me off too. I know it's very selfish of me but it is very difficult being a step parent (I know from experience). Some people are not cut out for it. And I'm one of them.

northcountrygirl · 15/01/2012 00:26

You might be limiting your options though.

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 15/01/2012 00:46

I don't think it is about problems with being a step parent the op is commenting on though.
When me and ex split up we lived extremely close to each other and he seen a lot of the dc but there is no way on earth I would have expected him to have them every weekend he was and is entitled to some free weekends as much as me My friend does this to her ex. The result she has a superb social life out literally every weekend and her ex is rarely out because she makes his life hell if he goes out when he has their dc because he should want to spend time with them. He also has them evenings and overnights during the week so not as if his tine with them is limited to the weekends.
Yes things cone up with dc and plans have to change but I don't think it's unreasonable to wonder when and how this man has time for dating when the natural expectation of many people would be weekend dates.

It doesn't make the op evil. And yes it is good that he is such a hands on dad but maybe it's not whether the op can handle him having kids it's maybe whether this man is ready and in a position to start dating tight now because it seems what is most of his spare time is taken up with his child. Not a bad thing maybe he's just not in that place just now.

exoticfruits · 15/01/2012 00:52

Obviously his ideal would be to have the child all the time. If he only gets the weekends and can't swap it for a week day then he isn't going to miss one.
I dated when I was a single mother-my DS came first and it was best if men realised it from the start and got out early on, because it was never going to change.

AmberLeaf · 15/01/2012 01:04

Unavailable every weekend?

Online dating?

Its screaming married to me TBH.

Bogeyface · 15/01/2012 01:23

Good point Amber! That hadnt crossed my mind, but it should have done!

SparkleSoiree · 15/01/2012 01:33

YANBU. Dating is about finding out about each other, seeing what works, what doesn't and even then nobody says you have to have to make a commitment to each other.

Step family life can be incredibly hard work at times so you are right to ask questions about whether it is the kind of life you when you meet someone with that level of access to their child. One would assume it would not change - say for example if you moved in with each other - and if not how would you build your relationship as a couple? All relationships need time and space to build on and grow and just because you have children does not negate your own responsibility to help build your relationship.

Lot of questions which only you can answer. Good luck

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