Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Has his son every weekend - AIBU to be put off?

47 replies

LickItUp · 14/01/2012 09:58

I'm giving internet dating a go and have recently started talking to one guy I do like but the only thing putting me off (in a way) is that he has his 5 year old son every weekend. Obviously it's great that he's a committed dad and I know it shouldn't put me off but I can't help wondering how he would have time for a girlfriend if all of his weekends are spent with his son. It's usually the weekends "dating" takes place isn't it? Don't want to invest too much time and effort into this is if it's going to be too difficult. What do you think?

OP posts:

thefroggy · 15/01/2012 01:43

I think its fine, if he has his dc every weekend and doesn't want to have you involved at this point. That would say to me that he doesn't want to introduce his child to someone who he may not get serious with. It's early days.

As a single mum I do the same. I wouldn't parade a man around my house however much I liked him until I knew (or thought I knew) the relationship was going somewhere. Only then would I start to include him in my kids lives.

Notalone · 15/01/2012 16:35

In my opinion if you think you can't handle it now in the early stages of the relationship, you will find it even harder after a wile longer if it all gets more serious.
I have been with someone for a while now. When I first met him I knew he saw his children every weekend. He puts them first and I liked him even more for being such a great dad who takes his responsibilities seriously. However over the past few weekends it has hit me that this is the way it is going to be for a long time and we are never going to have the weekend dating thing a lot of other couples have. DS is 10 now and will be going to secondary school next year therefore will be spending less and less time with me soon. Most of my friends have children and weekends quite rightly are family times so I anticipate feeling quite lonely at weekends soon. I see this man every other Friday night when I don't have DS and once during the week every week but I am now feeling irrationally jealous of other couples I see out doing coupley things at weekends. Trouble is I love him now and don't want to be without him. I knew what the situation was when I met him and will just have to deal with the situation now. Perhaps when we both meet each others kids it will get better but for now who knows.

So in a long winded way I would say if it isn't right now and you think you can't cope with the situation then I would bite the bullet now and find someone with a situation you find tolerable. It does'nt make you a bad person and will save a lot of heartache in the long run. Good luck

MsLillyBeth · 15/01/2012 17:22

Say for example you both work Monday to Friday and he sees his son every weekend, when on earth are you going to have quality romantic time together? It?s great that he?s taking his fatherly duties seriously, but honestly, from a relationship point of view, when are you going to be together as a couple? Evenings after work when you?re both tired? Every other weekend I can handle, but I would want to have a man to myself at least every other weekend; otherwise I?d rather stay single. What?s the point.

kodachrome · 15/01/2012 17:27

I'd be concerned that he might still be married too.

You are right there won't be much time together if he's telling the truth, and that is likely to be a sticking point. You know it won't be enough for you, so I'd swerve him if I were you.

itspeanutbutterjellytime · 15/01/2012 17:32

YANBU. You don't have to commit yourself to step parenting at this stage! I think you've had a bit of a harsh rap from some posters, actually. If he isn't right, move on for both your sakes and find someone who is. Life is too short!

toddlerama · 15/01/2012 17:37

YANBU to be put off. Please do him and his son a favour and steer clear of them if your interest is dependant on him changing this arrangement.

newbiedoobiedoo · 15/01/2012 17:46

I adore my dh and we're happy. We are married with children and I have fallen completely and utterly in love with him so I wouldn't change anything as such. But....

If I could have forseen the drama, upset, anger and heartache involved in a relationship with somebody with a child, sometimes I think I would have stopped it before it started. :(

Notalone · 15/01/2012 17:50

Oh god Newbie - sounds like things have been hard for you. What was difficult?

PattiMayor · 15/01/2012 17:52

I am a completely single parent - there is no ex around at all so I have my DC 24/7..

I am not married however and would be hugely pissed off if anyone made that assumption

didldidi · 15/01/2012 17:56

but PattiMayor you would be advertising yourself as a single mother which is not the same is it?

newbiedoobiedoo · 15/01/2012 18:00

Notalone probably no more than anyone else goes through! I have read some horror stories about crazy exes, awful children etc. unfortunately in my case, it's been more dh being the 'problem'. I have a thread about it around here somewhere! :)

kodachrome · 15/01/2012 18:02

Well, it's just that it's not that usual for the NRP to have the child every weekend - I'm more used to it being alternate weekends.

The guy could easily be telling the truth - but I'm a cynic. Things that mean he's unavailable every weekend when he isn't the main carer look potentially dodgy to me. Online dating seems full of frogs reading the online dating thread here .

Notalone · 15/01/2012 18:08

Newbie my DP has a crazy ex who will only allow him access on her terms and usually in her house or out in the town she lives in if she wants to have her new boyfriend over at the same time. It drives me crazy because everything is on her terms and she calls all the shots. I can't see the situation changing in the immediate future which probably rules out me meeting his children for a long time because there is no way I would want to go to his ex's house.

Do you have a link to your thread?

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 15/01/2012 18:15

Threads like this are exactly why I don't date.

If a male NRP who has his children every weekend apparently doesn't have enough time to date there's really no chance for us LPs who have our dcs 24/7.

newbiedoobiedoo · 15/01/2012 18:17

I'll pm you notalone :)

Sorry for hijacking lickitup

2ndtimeblues · 15/01/2012 18:17

Am I right in thinking that you are talking online to someone and haven't even met? Does it matter at this stage what his weekends are like?

EightiesChick · 15/01/2012 18:24

There must be tons of LPs who have their kids every weekend. What if the other parent is dead, living/working in a different country, wants nothing to do with child etc? How then does the LP get these clear weekends? Come to that, many parents still living together don't get clear weekends or quality romantic time. Is it out of the question to get together during the week, or to get a babysitter occasionally for an evening, or to have quality time together after his DC is in bed?

I take Amber's point about the married possibility, but blimey, it does rule a lot of people out if they have to have clear weekends for a relationship to be a goer.

itspeanutbutterjellytime · 15/01/2012 18:27

Oh newbie that is the saddest thing I've not read your thread, but that really got to me.

newbiedoobiedoo · 15/01/2012 18:31

I have to be honest peanut and say that I have contributed to a lot of it! It's probably not so bad, just not what I would have chosen iyswim!

PattiMayor · 15/01/2012 19:35

didl - I'd probably say I was a lone parent (if I did internet dating which I don't). But most of the women on here who describe themselves as lone parents actually do have an ex who shares parenting with them to a greater or lesser degree.

So in that sense, anyone who is single and has a child and who looks after them for some of the time is a lone parent aren't they?

AmberLeaf · 15/01/2012 22:57

I dont think you as a single parent must have child free time to have a relationship/date although it helps

My only point really is I would be cautious of any man that was never available on a weekend [and face it child access is perfect 'excuse' 'cos you cant question it] and using online dating to 'meet' women.

Especially if its PlentyofFish

BertieBotts · 15/01/2012 23:47

That is a good point, Amber.

However I dated as a single parent with 24/7 care of DS - just did things in the evenings once he was in bed. It helped that the only 2 people I ever dated were blokes I already knew and so was fine having them in my house, not sure how I'd have managed babysitting fees otherwise, but if it's going to work out, then it will despite obstacles, and if it isn't, then the obstacles will only show that up earlier - it's worth giving it a go :)

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread