sicaboutdad/roadkillbunny new thread (very long but if you can, please read)

[roadkillbunny]

A new thread for a new start. (the other thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1221207-Father-admits-sexual-abuse-in-past-new-thread?pg=1 )

The first couple of times with the councillor were rocky and I struggled to see how what was happening in that little room was at all helpful but the last session I went to changed that, we managed to get to the route of some things, the curtains of my defensive stature were pulled clean away and I was exposed, she saw through me and I in turn saw myself, I think they call that a breakthrough.

The big objective of my time with the councillor was discovered, I have to confront 'Mike' my 'Father' with the abusive childhood he gave me and the fact he will never admit any wrong doing is just a red herring, that's not what it is about, this isn't about him or anybody else, this is about me and finding my way forward and finding my way to move on from it all. The clincher was when the councillor said to me that it didn't matter if he never accepted any wrongdoing and believed his own lies because deep down he knows what he did, he knows what he did to that poor boy, he knows what he did to me, he knows what he did to my siblings and he knows if he has any other victims out there. He knows, and he knows how wrong what he has done is.
As that sunk in I realised that it doesn't matter if he spews a load of bullshit lies and propaganda, I know, I know, I know and I am believed. That is all that really matters.

So finally, after all my avoidance tactics that I didn't even fully realise were avoidance tactics I have finally written that letter, the letter to him, the last letter, the last letter I will ever write to him. The councillor has offered to read it through for me/with me but to be honest, even though we had a breakthrough I still don't really like her that much and wouldn't feel comfortable with that but I do feel I need to share it, get opinions on it before I press send so I open myself up to you, the MN massive who have gently held my hand all the way through and been there for me every time I needed it.
I cried writing the first paragraph but then I got angry and the tears went away, I hope this is a sign of things to come, any way, here it is:

The past 8 months have lead me on a dark path full of frightening shadows, partially hidden truths, repressed memories given freedom and choices in path that have been easy yet the hardest I could ever have imagined needing to take. I have had what some would call a breakdown, memories so dark and pushed down for years that when I was forced to let them back to the surface have caused flashbacks and panic attacks that leave me drenched in sweat, heart hammering, legs week, adrenaline swamped, claustrophobic and wild eyes searching for an exit, an off button, a way off this ride I never wanted to be on. I have sort help, I am trying to work through this with professional guidance, I am trying to close the chapter and move on but there is still one thing I need to do before I can truly start that journey and that is to confront the person responsible for all this, to let that person know how wrong they were, how deeply they have damaged not just me but my relationship with my husband and children not to mention my siblings and wider family. So I am doing it, I am writing to you to try and start my new journey.
You asked what I was upset about at the start and you felt it was because you had given my basic contact details to the churches child protection team, if I hadn't been so busy falling apart that would have been laughable. The things you have done, the things you have failed to do, the things you have thought about and you think that giving my address to a professional body who needed to speak with me was what I was 'upset' about? That just illustrates the problem, you weave your lies and you manipulations so well you are not even sure where what is true and right is any more and it is why I have no hopes of an apology or even a simple acknowledgement but as it was pointed out to me by a professional, you know the things you have done, even if you will never admit them, not even fully to yourself, deep down you know, you know the truth of your actions.
For the record,
I am not upset about giving my details to the churches child protection team, no, as soon as I managed to get a mental handle on what was happening I contacted them myself.

I do have the correct information in regards to the Dxxxxxx offence and even if I had been given the slightly off facts it wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference, the fact you don't understand that just shows how much you disregard the serious nature of the whole thing.

My reaction, subsequent actions and final decisions are not based solely on the Dxxxxxxx case but largely on the basis of the abuse suffered in my childhood at your hands, violent, emotional and sexually inappropriate behaviour from you.

You will never get within sight of my children ever again. In the year leading up to the start of this I had been trying to find a way to deal with my increasing discomfort about your contact with my children, the way you conditioned me and manipulated me all my life made it very hard for me to know what to do and how to do it, I only knew that watching like a hawk was not going to cut it any more so it was only a matter of time until I found the strength I needed, and I would have always found it because my children need protecting, I know that you don't understand that this is what a parent is supposed to do though.

My responses, reactions and decisions are mine, I talked over with my husband, I opened up to him in regards to things I have barely allowed myself to remember and had previously only shared with one other person and he has agreed with the path I felt necessary to take, he is my husband and the Father of our children so he was part of the decision making process and we both came to the same conclusion, to protect our children, this is a path that social services also agree with whole heartedly however no one is forcing my hand, no one made any decisions for me, I hid behind my husband in fear when we stopped the visit, the email was sent from his address and was signed by him but the decision was mine.

My whole life I have been frightened of of you, frightened of you rages and violence, frightened to stand up to you, frightened of you manipulating the people around me in order to get your own way. It has been a long time since you have been able to physically harm me but the emotional harm has been never ending, people have asked me what I am frightened of and I am unable to articulate a solid thing that I am afraid of, it has just been a pure and primal fear but I say no more and I have been given the help I needed to not only say I am not afraid but to mean it, I have run through every scenario and found nothing I can't handle, I have handled so much already that I have finally managed to break the shackle and writing this was the last link in the chain.

The only communication I am willing to accept from you is by email and when I decide there will be no more, there will be no more. I have taken the power back, I am not a small frail little girl anymore and you are not, never will be and never were my Father.

Good for you standing up and saying 'never again' is so hard to do

Thank you, it has been the hardest thing in the world to first get to the point that I could write that and then to actually write it, the question now is, do I send it as is or do I need to change anything?

Amazing letter.

I just wondered whether you might like to tone down the description of your feelings in the first paragraph. It's wonderfully descriptive, poetic even, and anyone decent reading it would instantly understand and sympathise. But this... this creature you're writing to would probably find it exciting that he had had that powerful effect. It's the physical symptoms, see; it's visceral. From things you've said about his attitude to children before, which really chilled me, I think you might want to withhold that bit because he doesn't deserve that close an insight. That would mean stopping after "flashbacks and panic attacks". However, it's entirely up to you if you'd rather give the full picture of just how bad he made you feel, in case there's enough humanity left in there to actually care. As you've said, this exercise is about catharsis for you, really. Not about salvation for him because that is rather unlikely to happen.

(It's "sought help", btw, in this context.)

Amazing. You should be very VERY proud of yourself now, and that little girl that's still inside you!
x

Incredible, you should be very, very proud of yourself.

I partially agree with Annie that he probably won't take the first para on board (beautifully written BTW) but I wonder if it is more a case of you needing to write it rather than needing him to read it iyswim?

My only other comment is your last para - obviously you have put a lot of thought into this, but don't be afraid to want no contact with him ever.

I must confess that i'm completely in awe of you, you are so strong and taking back power like this is an incredible step. You should be very proud of yourself.

Okay, you are all making me
I do feel stronger now but in honesty I have at times mucked up badly and let everything take over, I have been very good at keeping up appearances while behind the mask I have been in hell and not functioning at all, it all came to a head in December and if it wasn't for the fact the people around me are very understanding, caring and even without all or any details knew that my behaviour was not the normal me I could have ended up losing almost everything I care about, my community, my jobs and even ended up in trouble with the police. It was a very serious situation and I am ashamed that I let it happen although I had little control, the lights were on but nobody was home for those months and I have little or no memory of certain things. It is very hard to even attempt to explain without going into more details then I am willing to share on a public site, I am also still very ashamed that I allowed it all to happen, I know I was under a huge amount of stress and going through a hugely distressing time but I do not like to make excuses for myself. I am not really sure any of that makes sense when I have given so few details, just suffice to say, I have not managed to come through this a paragon of virtue.

In regards to the first paragraph, it feels necessary to me to explain the extreme effect his actions have had on me and continue to have, he seems incapable of understanding or empathising with anyone else's point of view or experiences but I feel the need to try, to try and catch any little part of him that still nags at the back of his head telling him how much hurt and damage he has caused. In all likelihood it will fall of deaf ears, the whole thing probably will but a big turning point for me was realising that this is an exercise in letting myself release some of this and start to move on and actually has nothing much to do with him.

I have also only added the last part about email contact because I want to give him that one last chance to say something, anything to acknowledge what he has done to me, I know I stand more chance of winning the lottery (especially as I don't play!) but I have to give him that one last chance while also making it clear that phoning me is not an option. If he does reply, what ever he has to say that will be it, I expect him to write the usual crap and to that my reply would simply be that I will not tolerate any further contact from him and if I do win the lottery I will probably simply say thank you and I don't want any further contact.

I think I am almost ready to hit the send button (with spelling edit, thanks for catching that!), I have felt lighter since I wrote it, when I do press send I expect I will tie myself in knots and have a very hard few days but I do now have the confidence to know that it will be the last time he ties me up like that. Almost ready to send, just need to get the guts together, I want to get it done and over but for all my bravado, I am still scared.

ohh crap, okay, I did it. I sent it as is. crap.

It's all right, it's fine. Well done.

You are incredibly brave.

Well.
The world hasn't ended!
I panicked and struggled for about fifteen minutes so I got myself busy and it passed, the sky didn't fall in because I stud up to him.
Non surprisingly he has not yet responded.
I had another few minutes of panic later in the afternoon but then realised that he is probably sat there mouth open wondering what the hell just happened.
Called my Mum this evening, told her what I had done and what I had written, she got a little teary and told me she was very proud of me.
She told me about the time she stud up to him, I talked about it on the other thread after she told me, compressed version, he was in a rage, she thought he was going to kill her, she got some amazing strength from inside and told him to go on then, beat her but it wouldn't change that fact she knew the truth about him and she would always know the truth of him.
I hadn't thought or realised how similar my email to him is to what she said, that we both tapped into that truth (both with professional help), over 20 years apart but we have both realised the truth, he will never admit the things he has done but he knows, deep down he knows the truth and so do I, so does my Mum and that terrifies HIM, when Mum found her strength he lowered his fist and walked away, things weren't over for Mum, he managed to still control and manipulate through us children but the balance had subtly shifted. I have come to realise that the only person who has something to fear from that fact I sent that email is HIM, me, I feel light as a feather!

This isn't the end, there will be tears, fear and more hurdles to clear, I expect the coming weeks are going to be very hard, I have my final counselling session tomorrow and after wanting to stop early a few weeks ago I now wish I had about three more sessions, dam NHS budgets and most of all, dam the catholic church for not stepping up to the plate and providing the support they promised and bloody well owe me but I have the prospect of some CBT in the near future to help me with the flashback triggers to allow me to have my children on my knee to read their bedtime story and have a hug in bed.
Most of all I know I am not just going to survive but I am going to thrive, and grow and be HAPPY.
I will continue to need all the support offered via mumsnet, my friends and family so no leaving me to walk off into the sunset yet, I still need you all but if this was a holywood movie, the credits would be rolling about now.

That was a fabulous letter. I am so proud of you.

Well done.

yes a big well done, I admire your courage, I have been following your progress and I think you are amazing!

okay, well ere do I start,
I know that shit has big time hit the fan on this but I have only slight ideas on what it is as last Wednesday I was having a quick ride before heading out to my final counselling session when I came of the horse and smashed up my leg/ankle. I just got out of hospital tonight held together my plates and screws and in a cast for 3 months, I have other things to deal with, i haven't been near my email, going to have to start picking it all apart (well I guess I have plenty of time now) but at the moment I am in just too much pain, i am going to need so much help from you all though

Oh poor you, here are some more and do get better soon.

So sorry to hear this. I can imagine you are going to have a lot of time to think about all sorts of things...

On a practical note do you have any arnica tablets?

Thank you. The really good thing to come out is how much support and love my community is offering me, helping with the children, shopping, cleaning, cooking. I have been quite overwhelmed (in a good way) my friend said to me that she always knew I was liked but never knew how well respected I was within the community and within my professional community, I had no idea either but I am feeling the love right now and t is going to help carry me through this.
I know that things have hit the press but not in a tabloid way, I know that 'Mike' has told people that what I have said is my Mums manipulation (I was expecting that) and he has shared at least parts of my letter to him in a round robin type of email to my uncle, brother and probably my sister to. I am not ready to face it all yet, I will though, no option, I am contacting the councillor today as I really feel we need to have that last session that my accident prevented (she probably thinks this is the most extreme avoidance tactic she has ever seen lol!) so hopefully we will be able to sort something out, I need help to deal with all this fallout.
I hadn't thought of arnica, my leg is so bruised under the cast I feel an Oscar would be fitting and I have loads of bruising on my arms from venflans and also have to inject myself with anti coagulants everyday, I seem to be quite good at it so far, I haven't bruised when I have done it but the nurse ones have! Starting arnica could really help it all so thinks for the great idea!
I am feeling better today, I am home, I am surrounded by care and love, got to keep that focus.

How are things with you now? Thinking of you.

Hello to all, I am doing okay I guess, less drugged up, the pain is less but being wheelchair bound is difficult and frustrating and I have been guilty of indulging in the odd pity party, especially as the snow fell and made me housebound although luckily we didn't have much, ust on the edge of it and most of it is gone now so should be able to get out maybe tomorrow or Wednesday. Knowing the snow was coming on Saturday night I asked my Mum, who has come down to help until this coming Saturday, to wheel me down to my friends yard where the pony we kind of loan from her lives and I had a good catch up with the yard people and most of all pony cuddles, the best therapy!
So, with my Mum here and me being back on this planet with the level of pain relief added to the fact I really need to be able to check my emails again tonight I decided that it was time to look at the email I knew was there. As I touched on in my last post I was aware that 'Mike' had shared my entire, very personal email to him in a family round robin so I didn't know if my sister or uncle had also emailed me (I knew my brother hadn't, it was thanks to him that I know about the round robin, he is not getting involved, he has, in his way let me know he supports me but it is not his business as such and it is not his place to be involved. I am more then fine with this, I know how hard he will be finding this, my brother would die for me and to be faced with things like this is terribly hard and conflicting for him but knowing he supports me is all I need from him), I now know they haven't, it was just an email from 'Mike' waiting for me.
I now have read it and I laughed, I really did, it was nothing I wasn't prepared for or expecting, even the whole round robin thing doesn't bother me that much as again, I knew it was a possibility, my Mum is more upset by it then I am saying that he has violated my privacy, yes she is right but knowing likely outcomes there was nothing in there that I wasn't willing to share with the wider family. I have just noticed as I went to copy it to post that (probably unintentionally) has left visible that he cc'ed in my uncle and my uncles wife, they got it sent to each of their email addresses, nice, bloody funny really, I would be upset if my uncle chose to cease contact with me over this but at the end of the day I would struggle to have a relationship with him if he doesn't even take the time to talk to me about it in person and evaluate what I have to say over what 'Mike' has to say, we will have to see, I am due to write to my uncle anyway.
So here it is in all it's glory:

Dear shortening of my name that nobody has used since I was a small child,

  I can hardly say "thank you" for your letter, as it was too devastating.

  As to your melodramatic account of what you have been through I will say no more than that I am indeed sorry that you have been through a tough time.

  I do not believe that you have always been frightened of me: I can recall no occasion in your childhood or more recently when you have ever appeared to be frightened, but indeed rather the contrary.

  I must also make it clear that I absolutely repudiate all your claims as to how I am supposed to have abused you.

  In spite of what you say, I still wish you all the best - from your loving Dad.

So, I will reply to him, in good time, when I have to words right, just to say that I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply but I have had rather more important issues to deal with lately (I will not talk about or tell him about my accident, I know he knows and anyway, it has nothing to do with him and not his business), your response holds no surprises for me so I think it is time to say no more communication.

I spoke to the councilor when I first got out of hospital to explain what had happened in regards to my accident, I was out my face on meds at the time so we agreed I would call back when I was ready and she would arrange for me to have the two sessions I missed (one a week before the accident when my transport fell through and the one I was about to go to when I went out the equine emergency exit) so I will give a call tomorrow and sort that out but I have to say I am good! I honestly laughed when I read his message, just so predictable and in some ways his defensiveness is odd as I made no direct allegations.
He must have forgotten the way I would flinch every time he raised his hand as a child and well, when you are manipulated and scared you do what the person who is responsible for that expects and demands and yes, that maybe an awkward and tense hug goodbye or hello, just shows how little he comprehends about the effect his actions have on others. I am getting there though, still have a little more of my journey to make though but I think that light may just be the end of the tunnel rather then the oncoming train. Funny how when I first started counselling I thought it was a waste of time and couldn't see what I was getting from it but that last session I had it all fell into place and now I can see that I am coping so well with what 'Mike' has done in response to my email because of all the things we went over in counselling.
Look forward to hearing your opinion on all this.

So, things on my mind again tonight mainly due to knowing my uncle is back in the country and has been for at least a week (thank you radio interviews and televised award events for giving me this info . I am not massively concerned anymore about keeping his name out of things and as for my own privacy in this I don't feel it is a problem, I don't care who knows because I have made me peace with the fact I have nothing to be ashamed about however I do still need to be careful about any names being mentioned on searchable internet sites as my Mum found out a few weeks ago after an article appeared in an English broad sheet connecting 'Mike' and his involvement in the church schools/monk scandal with my uncle, his brother. My Mum happened upon a blog about the subject and her pent up decades of trying to be heard got the better of her, it was a mistake, she knows it but for many, many, many reasons she finds keeping the dignified silence more difficult, this is the one and only time she has ever done anything like this though, she made a comment on the blog post after people in the comments were suggesting that it was all some kind of which hunt, all she did was state that she was his ex wife, she had been trying to be heard about these matters for years and she also set a few facts straight about how 'mike' left the monastery and restrictions that were placed on him at the time. She was careful not to write anything inflammatory or open to accusations of libel and she got a very positive response from the blog author who she had a private email conversation with who then confirmed in the comments of his blog was who she said she was. Now 'Mike' must be keeping a check on anything that mentions him by name online since the article was published as a few days later she had an email from 'Mike' saying (in short) he new what she had written and so did my uncle and his wife. I only found out about this in the last few days as it happened while I was very poorly in hospital (at times fighting for my life and leg, even if Mum had thought that was a good time to tell me this I probably wouldn't have taken much if anything in!). This all ties in with the fact he cc'ed my uncle and his wife in on his reply to my personal email and then the round robin he sent round my siblings of my email to him. So, while I don't mind being identifiable, and that I probably am and those who read (and remember) the first thread I had know that in that one I was even more identifiable I would appreciate it if people didn't use names on forum as it would come up in a google search of those names and point 'Mike' on to my threads. It is actually not that I would have a problem in theory with him reading them but I feel it would give him too much insight into my personal life and feelings, something I just don't think he deserves, I would then also need to change names and maybe even have all my posts in this name deleted due to boring, mundane posts about other aspects of life posted in other areas of MN, just because I don't want him to have that level of knowledge into mine and my dc's lives. I know I don't really need to say any of that as even though there have been times in the past when people have identified either 'mike' or my uncle from my posts they have never posted names and always let me know through private messages, just thought I would explain why I don't mind being identifiable but there is an issue with names and google.
Anyway, my uncle has been on my mind, he is back in the UK, he hasn't made contact however he has been very busy on the run up to a thing and I know he knows about my accident as my Mum asked SIL to let him know (and I know sil did) so I am feeling anxious about things, I know he has read my private email to 'mike' and has had only 'mikes' view point on it and absolutely everything else and that makes me feel very nervous but I also know that he is a very intelligent man who is nobodies fool (same thing for his wife who in the past I have been very close to), I am holding on to that in the hope that he still wants to talk to me and hear what I have to say about things, I was thinking of writing him and his wife an email just saying that I know they have been pulled in by 'Mike' and have been sent a very personal, private and emotive email I wrote to 'Mike'. I am recovering from my accident slowly and would still like to have the talk that we agreed on before Christmas as the email I wrote to 'Mike' was for 'Mike' and there are things I would like to both ask my uncle and talk about to them both.
I also haven't yet sent (or even started to compose) my final email to 'mike', it is such a big thing, the last communication I will ever have with the person who gave me half of my genetic makeup and damaged my childhood so greatly the effects resonate to this day. It feels like it should be some kind of grand affair but I know it needs to be short, concise and blunt. I did make one step in the right direction though, I deleted his contact information from my mobile and home phone, I wiped the answer phone. Simple, simple things to do but things I really struggled so much with doing that there were times I honestly thought I would never manage it.

I really, really would like to get some feedback on all of this, what I have writen today but most of all what I posted last week, I keep coming on and checking but not finding anything, it makes me sound and feel like an attention seeking child I know but the help, advice, support and encouragement I have received from people here have made such a positive impact on me, helped me get through and helped me survive, you are my on going peer support network and I need you, I know the posts are long and I know I have a habit of wittering on and on but, trying not to sound like that attention seeker, I really need that to continue, the people in RL are, understandably, rather more focused on my injury and getting me healed and through that right now.

I was on your previous threads but possibly under a previous user name.

I'm really not sure if I can help at all.

Can you work out what you want to achieve by getting in touch with your uncle and by having a final email to "Mike" (I cannot refer to him as your Dad either!)

I heard something on the radio the other week that sounded as if it was probably this case - fortunately I have such an awful memory that I couldn't quote names if I tried!

So sorry about your injury - although, strangely, it seems that severe physical damage has actually improved your emotional state, perhaps because of the lovely response by your friends and neighbours. The people who matter - nice, ordinary people - do like you, care about you, and most importantly believe you. I don't mean pain is a good thing but sometimes it can remind you that you are in the real world when you'd been living too much inside your own head, if that makes sense. Don't do it again though, you'll soon run out of limbs.

I do wonder rather about your uncle. If he's being copied in on these things surely he would have drawn his own conclusions by now. I do hope he is on the right side in this, but please be careful in case he isn't. You're not in a good place to be hurt again just now, you could do with building up your strength some more (though you have done fabulously well).

knowing people are here and listening helps, it really does.

What do I hope to achieve with my uncle? I would like for us to continue to have a relationship, I am fully willing to accept that his 'loyalties' will be with his brother (for want of a better word), I am fully willing to accept that he may not feel what I have to say is something he can cope with/come to terms with/deal with (still struggling to find the right words, hoping I am managing to at least kind of get my point across with this). What I would like from him (and his wife, as I said I have been very close to and always had a very good relationship with her) is the acceptance that what I have to say is valid to me, that it matters to me but at the end of the day is between myself and 'Mike', I was not the one who pulled him into it and I don't expect him to disown his brother and form sides, I want to maintain a relationship with him because he is my uncle, I love him, I respect him, he has always been there for me when it mattered, 'Mike's' behavior and actions should not impact or prevent us from having a relationship, he is not and never has been the pin that held us together so why should that start now? I know that it is a big ask in a way because this is a very serious issue and yes, it will probably always be the great big elephant in the room but I would like to at least make a go of it, we don't live in each others pockets, we don't see or even speak to each other of a regular basis so I believe that it is possible. It is similar to the situation with my brother, 'Mike' has given him no choice but to know a few more details of what I have to say (even though I know my brother didn't want that, he knew I had issues from childhood that resonated with last years police investigation but he didn't feel he could cope with much more detail then that), my brothers take on it is that he supports me, he loves me but this is not something he feels he wants to talk in depth with me about, he feels it is not his business, he would rather not be involved with it as he is struggling with his own issues and feelings towards 'Mike' and trying to find an arrangement that works for him. I respect my brother allot for this and would hope for similar from my uncle (and his wife).

A final email to Mike', now that's not to clear or easy to answer because I guess I know it is not something that needs to be done, more of a chance for me to say 'never contact me again', I don't need to say that now, I could wait and see if 'Mike' ever tries to contact me again and then say 'you know what, I think I have had enough now, please don't contact me again' but part of me just wants to head him off at the pass, let him know I am done. I think one of the reasons I am holding off is that I want to see if I can salvage a relationship with my uncle first as by latest form my 'final email' would be sent round the family and I don't really want to give 'Mike' any ammunition so he can twist, turn and manipulate my uncle and his wife so that I am the bad unreasonable one.

Defiantly some things to think about and new questions for me to ask of you all here. See, you have been a huge help, sometimes you just need people to ask the right questions so you can dig down and find what your original question really was.

Hi, I've been on your previous threads. Sorry to hear what you have been through recently with the accident. You say that you want people's feedback but it seems you are doing well at getting to where you want to be. It's clear from Mike's last email I think that he will never admit to causing hurt or doing wrong so it seems to me that it would help you to somehow come to terms with this? You've pretty much outed him and the family on your last post and maybe this is borne of the frustration that he won't step up and accept the truth? I suppose the media spotlight could push him to contrition? Probably not though?

I am thinking of a documentary that was on recently about some men who were, I think, aged in their 50s/60s who had been abused by monks/teachers at Catholic schools, one went back to confront one who was still alive and got complete denial from him.

Sounds like Mike is a better actor than his brother and believing his part every step of the way. I'm sorry for you that it is this way. I think the therapy for the flashbacks sounds a really positive move for you because it is time this man stopped getting in the way of your own relationships.

I feel for your Mum too and can understand why she went online - however - you have to remember that there will always be people who will never be able to accept how much abuse has gone on in the institution/faith that is so important for them and they will come out and argue the opposite. An internet comment site is the last place they are likely to change their mind.

There's a lot of people on the Stately Homes thread who have gone none contact with a parent and feel better for it - maybe they can give you some inspiration?

Perhaps with your uncle and aunt you can email them and say something along the lines of

"I see that "Mike" has sent you a copy of the email that I sent him concerning my childhood. I am truly sorry that he has dragged you into what I see as a private matter between him and me. I hope that you feel able to continue to be in touch and visit me as you both mean an awful lot to me and I would be greatly saddened if you let "mike" come between us. For my part I had not intention of ever discussing my childhood with you as such matters are now in the hands of - police/social services/professionals."

I would leave contacting "mike" for a long time, in fact I'd be tempted to wait and see if he contacts you again and at that time you can send a final email telling him not to contact him again as he is a deluded liar, paedophile and abusive man or words to that ilk (but that is just me!)