sicaboutdad/roadkillbunny new thread (very long but if you can, please read)

[roadkillbunny]

A new thread for a new start. (the other thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1221207-Father-admits-sexual-abuse-in-past-new-thread?pg=1 )

The first couple of times with the councillor were rocky and I struggled to see how what was happening in that little room was at all helpful but the last session I went to changed that, we managed to get to the route of some things, the curtains of my defensive stature were pulled clean away and I was exposed, she saw through me and I in turn saw myself, I think they call that a breakthrough.

The big objective of my time with the councillor was discovered, I have to confront 'Mike' my 'Father' with the abusive childhood he gave me and the fact he will never admit any wrong doing is just a red herring, that's not what it is about, this isn't about him or anybody else, this is about me and finding my way forward and finding my way to move on from it all. The clincher was when the councillor said to me that it didn't matter if he never accepted any wrongdoing and believed his own lies because deep down he knows what he did, he knows what he did to that poor boy, he knows what he did to me, he knows what he did to my siblings and he knows if he has any other victims out there. He knows, and he knows how wrong what he has done is.
As that sunk in I realised that it doesn't matter if he spews a load of bullshit lies and propaganda, I know, I know, I know and I am believed. That is all that really matters.

So finally, after all my avoidance tactics that I didn't even fully realise were avoidance tactics I have finally written that letter, the letter to him, the last letter, the last letter I will ever write to him. The councillor has offered to read it through for me/with me but to be honest, even though we had a breakthrough I still don't really like her that much and wouldn't feel comfortable with that but I do feel I need to share it, get opinions on it before I press send so I open myself up to you, the MN massive who have gently held my hand all the way through and been there for me every time I needed it.
I cried writing the first paragraph but then I got angry and the tears went away, I hope this is a sign of things to come, any way, here it is:

The past 8 months have lead me on a dark path full of frightening shadows, partially hidden truths, repressed memories given freedom and choices in path that have been easy yet the hardest I could ever have imagined needing to take. I have had what some would call a breakdown, memories so dark and pushed down for years that when I was forced to let them back to the surface have caused flashbacks and panic attacks that leave me drenched in sweat, heart hammering, legs week, adrenaline swamped, claustrophobic and wild eyes searching for an exit, an off button, a way off this ride I never wanted to be on. I have sort help, I am trying to work through this with professional guidance, I am trying to close the chapter and move on but there is still one thing I need to do before I can truly start that journey and that is to confront the person responsible for all this, to let that person know how wrong they were, how deeply they have damaged not just me but my relationship with my husband and children not to mention my siblings and wider family. So I am doing it, I am writing to you to try and start my new journey.
You asked what I was upset about at the start and you felt it was because you had given my basic contact details to the churches child protection team, if I hadn't been so busy falling apart that would have been laughable. The things you have done, the things you have failed to do, the things you have thought about and you think that giving my address to a professional body who needed to speak with me was what I was 'upset' about? That just illustrates the problem, you weave your lies and you manipulations so well you are not even sure where what is true and right is any more and it is why I have no hopes of an apology or even a simple acknowledgement but as it was pointed out to me by a professional, you know the things you have done, even if you will never admit them, not even fully to yourself, deep down you know, you know the truth of your actions.
For the record,
I am not upset about giving my details to the churches child protection team, no, as soon as I managed to get a mental handle on what was happening I contacted them myself.

I do have the correct information in regards to the Dxxxxxx offence and even if I had been given the slightly off facts it wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference, the fact you don't understand that just shows how much you disregard the serious nature of the whole thing.

My reaction, subsequent actions and final decisions are not based solely on the Dxxxxxxx case but largely on the basis of the abuse suffered in my childhood at your hands, violent, emotional and sexually inappropriate behaviour from you.

You will never get within sight of my children ever again. In the year leading up to the start of this I had been trying to find a way to deal with my increasing discomfort about your contact with my children, the way you conditioned me and manipulated me all my life made it very hard for me to know what to do and how to do it, I only knew that watching like a hawk was not going to cut it any more so it was only a matter of time until I found the strength I needed, and I would have always found it because my children need protecting, I know that you don't understand that this is what a parent is supposed to do though.

My responses, reactions and decisions are mine, I talked over with my husband, I opened up to him in regards to things I have barely allowed myself to remember and had previously only shared with one other person and he has agreed with the path I felt necessary to take, he is my husband and the Father of our children so he was part of the decision making process and we both came to the same conclusion, to protect our children, this is a path that social services also agree with whole heartedly however no one is forcing my hand, no one made any decisions for me, I hid behind my husband in fear when we stopped the visit, the email was sent from his address and was signed by him but the decision was mine.

My whole life I have been frightened of of you, frightened of you rages and violence, frightened to stand up to you, frightened of you manipulating the people around me in order to get your own way. It has been a long time since you have been able to physically harm me but the emotional harm has been never ending, people have asked me what I am frightened of and I am unable to articulate a solid thing that I am afraid of, it has just been a pure and primal fear but I say no more and I have been given the help I needed to not only say I am not afraid but to mean it, I have run through every scenario and found nothing I can't handle, I have handled so much already that I have finally managed to break the shackle and writing this was the last link in the chain.

The only communication I am willing to accept from you is by email and when I decide there will be no more, there will be no more. I have taken the power back, I am not a small frail little girl anymore and you are not, never will be and never were my Father.

Thanks all for posting and letting me know you are there, you have certainly helped me focus on what I need to think about and evaluate what I need to do compared to what I would like to do and also see that there are some things I probably don't have to do.

Development tonight.
This evening I revived an email from a friend of 'Mike', a person who I spent quite a lot of time with as a child as we often stayed with her family when we were on school holiday visitation with 'Mike' in the country he now lives (gosh that is convoluted!). I have never been massively comfortable with this lady, she is (and her whole family) a very militant catholic with a very long history with 'Mike' as friends. I did have some very good times at her home as a child, I love that country and I was quite close with one of her daughters, my good times there are all around time spent with their children and having the huge level of freedom in a beautiful, remote place in a beautiful country. We had a great deal of freedom away from the adults, it is that time I love and cherish.
I am not surprised to get an email from somebody other then 'Mike' as I think he knows now he can no longer control me so he is doing the very thing I feared he would do, he is gathering all he can to make me look like I am crazy, malicious and on some kind of vendetta. I am pretty sure that if you go through my other thread you will see me talking about exactly this while I tried to work of if confronting 'mike' was something I could or should do.
I am going to coy and paste the email editing out anything that would be identifiable.

Dear short form of my name again that hasn't been used since I was quite young,

Long time no see but there was a time when we saw quite a bit of each
other. So it's as a friend, I hope, I'm writing to you.

Your dad was staying with us 2 weeks ago and he mentioned a recent
email you had sent him. I asked if he would mind if I read it and he
printed out a copy for me.

I have to say that over the years you visited us in XXXXX, as children
and teenagers, I was struck by the warmth that existed between you and
your dad. You were all very relaxed and easy with him, chatting freely
and openly, whether in a group or individually over a cup of tea at
the kitchen table. It was, in fact, quite remarkable.

When you had that awful chronic pain some years ago it was your dad
who told us of it and he was so happy when I suggested that you come
to me for a week in XXXXXX to see if the rest and homeopathy
could help you.

I don't know what type of therapy you have been receiving or who with,
but I am always wary of that phrase 'suppressed memories'. If you're
going to throw accusations of 'sexually inappropriate behaviour' then
you need to be able to substantiate them more.

Love and best wishes,

XXXXX

I just want to say a couple of things, I don't and never have drunk Tea or shared cups of it over her kitchen table with 'Mike', I know that sounds stupid but for some reason it bugs me, there were times when there would be 20 or more of us round a bonfire, normally kids on one side, adults the other.
I am glad she managed to cure that troubling chronic pain, strange thing is my pain team, the fact I am typing from a wheelchair as my pre-existing issues prevent me from using sticks, I am sure the trauma team that were recently looking after me after my pre-existing issues caused complications that nearly killed me. I am sure they would all like to hear how that bother was cured 10 years ago and my current state of health is a nothing but some kind of mirage! Maybe it is all a repressed memory recovered by those quack NHS councilors that have been putting ideas in my head!
Sorry, I know my above points are petty but even though I find the contents of this email laughable I am really, really angry, I am not throwing around allegations of anything, I wrote a personal and private email to somebody, he is the one who has chosen to use it like a public information flyer, and anyway, the police came to me (not me to them) after talking with them, giving them less details then I remember due to my fear of forcing things and creating something that is not really there, they told me that his behavior towards me as a child was certainly sexually inappropriate and abusive. After I talked about things and gave even less information to social services they also reassured me that his actions were indeed abusive.
Just realized this is exactly what he wanted, I am now questioning myself and trying to defend my position, I hate him, I really do. I need help with this, I want to reply to this woman but don't want to end up doing what I have just done here, I just want to say but out, not your business, can anyone help me with this?
(sorry this is so, so long)

Hmmm what will you achieve by replying? By reacting to her email you are in fact empowering Mike by him knowing that you are responding - perhaps that will just spur him on to recruit more people to undermine you?

I would be tempted to keep a record of all these emails and explore options of legally getting some sort of harrassment order against him which would include him getting other people to contact you to plead his innocence.

Of course he wants to discredit you of course he wants to try and rewrite history and of course he surrounded himself with family friends that were happy to collude in his abusive treatment of your mum.

Hello, I've been following your threads. Just to give you some late-night immediate feedback.... I agree completely with RandomMess... do not reply. Vent on here as you've done. Keep a record (but don't reread them - maybe forward them to your dh and delete from your own email). Print and burn, if it helps. But don't reply. She has no idea what went on between 'Mike' and you, and it's not her business, so don't give it any weight by replying. If you reply, she'll reply... stop it here by not replying.

I would keep though as you may need it as evidence to bring a harrassment order not to mention what they are accusing you of ie lying!

Is the police investigation you've mentioned ongoing or has it concluded? If the latter, has 'Mike' been charged with any offence?

That is such an upsetting email to receive - but you know it is texbook that many abusers are charm personified, that is how they get away for it for year upon year -and, as I posted before, some people are so wedded to their faith, they believe the revelations of abuse are a conspiracy.

Nasty emotional blackmail from her too, reminding you of how she had helped you before, trying to make you feel bad.

I suppose that it is at times like this that you find out who your friends are, you know that you have a lot of support around you and sadly ignorant people in denial like this woman need to be removed from your life.

Write draft replies if it helps but I wouldn't send anything in the heat of the moment.

Gosh... that's a bit of a low blow isn't it? There's a few things one could pick up in it that suggest she isn't quite sincere - the tea thing for example; also, how remarkable is it, really, that a child should be warm and chatty with her own father? That's sort of natural, really (and if you read up about hysterical bonding, Stockholm syndrome etc, it isn't necessarily a sign that things are all health either). And what evidence, other than your own memories, are you expected to come up with after all this time - fingerprints maybe? "if you are going to throw accusations" is quite accusatory wording in itself.

I think, if I were in your shoes, I'd start by acknowledging your shared history and her kindness in the past, in the same way she's done. Thus "dear XXXXX, as you say we haven't seen each other for a while but I do have warm memories of the good times in XXXXX and will always be grateful for your hospitality when I was in such pain." That sort of thing.

Now the ticklish bit. I'm thinking maybe "With regards to my father" (note: not "dad" as she puts it, as we all know "dad" was the man who loved you and who you could trust), "I am surprised to hear with how many people he has shared my private email to him so far" (I reckon she thinks she's specially privileged to have seen it but we know that is not the case! Strike her in her pride!) "I wrote the email because" (import your own excellent words from your 23.14.56 post in here).

Whether to include the indisputable fact that he has been arrested and indicted for very real crimes that you were not involved with, without any input from you, is a matter of choice. Basically this woman is saying it's your word (a hysterical woman, formerly an impressionable child) against his (a respected man of the Church) when the facts are that there are many, many words and much more concrete proof than your memories stacked up against him. He did that stuff. Whether she chooses to believe he did it to you as well is quite a minor point besides the fact that he has form, big-time. And if she chooses to disbelieve that she is really in major, unhealthy denial. Her dear friend of many years abuses children. It's a big thing to get her head around. In a way you should feel a bit sorry for her because her reality is all twisted. She may be able to manipulate you out of believing what you know to be true, but she'll never have a chance to get all the other people to back down as well. So her dear friend is going down and there's nothing much she can do. She looks at him, the man she's known for years, and simply cannot see the abuser, the manipulator. It's got to be the (former) child who's wrong... it's got to be, for her own peace of mind. Do you see?

So, maybe "I realise you will find it very hard to believe of someone you have been friends with for so many years and no doubt nothing I can say will shake your faith in him. I can only say that I am quite confident that I have not made any unjustified accusations. You may believe me or not as you wish." (Er, that bit is rather confrontational, might not want to put it quite like that.)

Pick and choose if any of this is helpful, may be a load of rubbish! Long rubbish too, I bet it crosses with loads of sensible, helpful, SHORTER posts!

There, told you. They're all right really, not replying is wise. Maybe you want to write a really steaming letter, just to get it all out, and then not send it.

"Dear miserable cow..."

Is it an 'indisputable fact that he has been arrested and indicted for very real crimes' Annie?

Will you be giving or have you given evidence against him, OP?

Maybe not indicted. Terrible memory and not very familiar with the jargon.

Thank you all, you have really made me think about how wise it is to give a response of any kind.
After a night to sleep on it and reflect I think her motivation is partly fear, she has 9 children, 'Mike' has been involved in all their lives, he lived with them for a couple of years, she sent her youngest to the monastery school where he is now. If I were her I would be bloody terrified right about now. I can't condone the way she has written to me but I am starting to think it does come from a place of fear, discredit me in her own mind and everything is fine and her children and grandchildren are safe. As a mother I can understand that.

Just to clear up for Annie, he has been cautioned and he has accepted that caution (which is accepting guilt under the law) in regards to the 1969 case that kicked all this off. He is now on the sex offenders register for 2 years (and the equivalent in the country he now lives in). In regards to his abusive actions towards me as a child the police don't feel it would be possible to take it further, due to the nature of my memories it would be very hard to get a cohesive statement that could be used to being any kind of charges against him, I agree. I never began the difficult task of discussing these parts of my childhood with the thought of going down a legal route, I got the guts up to tell the people involved with protecting children in the church because it was something it became clear I needed to do for myself and just to give them the idea that 'Mike' had not stopped once he left the church after the 1969 events so they could be sure to protect boys he could be in contact with through the school. It was the church child protection team that passed my account to the police, I am glad they did as talking to the police helped me and has kept me from feeling like I am crazy (most of the time but not all) through this, I was positively relieved when they told me that they didn't feel they could take it further on to prosecution, I was always completely aware that the memories that were strongest and remembered clearly involved, for want of a better phrase, low level stuff and other things are still quite hazy in places, remembered as a third person cooking on and with large chunks of things completely missing, since then more has come back and I do believe now I know what happened but I still think it would be difficult to get anywhere legally and it would be more harmful to me and my family then it would be helpful.
I also want to say I don't believe I am 'throwing allegations about', I have talked here anonymously (although I do know a good number of you now know who the main players are), I have talked to the investigating body and police while he was under investigation, I have talked to my Mother and I have written a private letter to Mike', I don't feel this could be construed as throwing allegations around, it is 'Mike' who has sent out my private letter to all the family and family friends in such a general way, I feel if anybody is throwing allegations around it is 'Mike' throwing, in a very subtle way, the allegation that I am lying.
I am prepared to be told I am wrong and that I am 'throwing' allegations around, it can be so hard to see when you are in the thick of it, maybe by talking to the people I have and sending 'Mike' the email I am, it honestly doesn't feel like it but I also appreciate that people can have different definitions of these things, I would like to know what peoples takes on that is.

It seems that in regards to this woman I am best off leaving her well alone and maybe venting by writing replies that will never be sent (I already did a bit of that last night after I got the email before I posted here, I knew it would be one I never sent as I started on about the fact I have never drunk tea and that she she do a little research on abusive relationships. I don't know why this tea thing bothers me so much, any ideas?

Hi again
I asked for my message last night to be deleted because I felt the googled facts I put in there made the main players too identifiable. I pm'd the op with my post and am really sorry if I made it more obvious.

I would be incredibly hurt to receive that email but what the other posters have said is true - she is desperately justifying her friendship and relationship with Mike. It is far far easier to blame this on a child/woman than it is to accept that she has such an horrendous judge of character and has potentially (and willingly) exposed her own children to an abuser.

You probably shouldn't give either of them the satisfaction of answering but I would find that really hard! If you did decide to answer then I would definitely write what Anniegetyourgun said. It sounds confident, dismissive, ego-busting and perfect!

This looks like it is spinning out of control but actually it is spinning out of control for him, not you.

What a difficult situation you are in. I do feel for you. Which ever way you turn, you have people telling you how you should feel and that your memories are somehow invalid.

Yes, by all means draft emails/letters etc, but I would strongly advise you not to send anything. Partly because you are telling people things that they do not want to know/admit to and it then makes them complicit in what happened to you. They perhaps don't want to believe you as it casts a shadow over a huge part of their lives and means that they also have to look difficult issues straight in the eye.

Be careful about what you post in a public forum as some of these people could take your honesty and in turn, hurt you all over again.

Focus on your family, focus on the people around you and build up strong relationships with them. Let the other people come to you when they are ready. And if they don't, they are not worth having in your life.

Work through this on your own terms. Remember that he that shouts loudest often has the weakest argument. Sending your email to a wider audience smacks of someone desperate to clear their name by making you out to be the liar. There is an awesome dignity in remaining silent.

I do love the opening above

"Dear Miserable Cow"

The vindictive unpleasant side of me would like to continue

I can complete understand why someone who has exposed her dc to a paedophile (who has effectively pleaded guilty by accepting the caution and is on the child sex offenders registers) wishes to continue in denial of what "mike" really is and how easily he fooled you.

Vent away, time is a great healer provided you let yourself be angry and grieve all of which can be done in a safe and healthy way. If you don't like your current counsellor find a different therapist.

about the sitting around drinking tea thing - i imagine this gets to you because that expression conjours a vision of togetherness and cosyness. and also people sahre things over a cup of tea. so i think what youre screaming inside is tea? you dont even know me. its a reflection of your anger at the email. funny enough the way you describe her as strict catholic - i can see matron type. the best thing you can do is to not reply 1) let her stew 2) let her mind wander about if it is true? and the safety of her children 3) if you do reply you will literally be writing to him as well, as we know it will be shared/ discussed/ disected.

foreverandever's point is absolutely true, and a really important reason not to reply to MiserableCow: you will literally be writing to 'Mike' as well as it will be shared/discussed/dissected.

Look after yourself.

Thank you all so much for posting and supporting, it gets me through and helps me see clearly.
I have had to admit to myself that 'miserable cow' (love that, made me smile) AKA 'Mrs I want to be a missionary and convert all that I have ever had contact with' has got to me more then I thought, more then I would like to admit, I know this woman very well and nothing so wrote surprised me and I know that nothing I could ever say to her would change her mind, I think I could show her filmed proof and it still wouldn't sway her 'faith' but it has got to me, got under my skin even though I don't really understand why.

You are all right. Responding to her would be fool hardy and playing into 'Mikes' hands, I have never wanted to get into a situation where I am trying to justify myself to him, I know I don't need to, he knows, deep down, however much he weaves his web of lies and changes history he can not escape from his own truth but by responding and trying to 'give evidence' or 'explain myself' I am just handing him more power to twist and try and discredit me. Responding to anybody who writes to me in this way is, your right, responding to him, something I said I wouldn't do so thank you for helping me see that, I shall maintain my dignified silence and continue you batter you all with long posts waffling on about the same stuff and begging for you all to keep talking to me and holding my hand.
sneaky, unMN {hugs} back, thank you x

So it is now one year on from that first email that triggered the chain reaction leading to the implosion that was this past year. A whole year, there are times, often when it is all still so fresh and raw, the continued emails on his side don't help.
So, where are we now?
There have been a few more emails, he finally emailed my Mum and my Mum finally managed to close the door for herself by saying the things she has wanted to say to him for a very long time, it was good for her and she feels released, he on the other hand told her that she was to blame for any and all problems my siblings and I have had, are having or will ever have in our lives. He also admitted that when my sister and her children were living in my Mums house he plotted with my sister in order to go behind my Mums back and gain entry to her home, my sister was aware when she moved into my Mums house that under no circumstances was he allowed in her home, it is her sanctuary and her safe place that she built after the divorce, it was one thing my Mum was very clear with my sister about yet my Mum ended up coming home from work to find him sitting in her living room. He has admitted this after being foiled from doing the same thing again with my brother now that he and his wife and family are living in Mums house however my brother said no way, Mum does not want you in her home, he tried and failed to manipulate my brother into the same trick but God love him he would never do that our Mum, and also, even though he is having contact he will not allow his children to be anywhere other then the far side of a table in a restaurant, he wont even eat anywhere but outside to make 'Mike' as uncomfortable as possible!
I also had another email, this time for the event of my birthday (Mum got her email for her birthday to, I also got an email on ds birthday, the irony? He didn't get a single one of those birthdays right!) his email to me reads:

My dearest XXXX,

First of all:

Happy birthday

But I have more to say.

I have done a lot of thinking since you sent your dreadful letter to me in January. I know only too well that I am not perfect, but, whatever my faults, it is a devastating thing to be told by a daughter whom I have loved and cared for all her life that she fears and hates me.

Of course, if I felt there was good reason for your statement I should have to accept it humbly and back away, but I can think of so many occasions when you sought out my company and you were clearly not at all afraid of me that I am quite bewildered and devastated. How can it be that you see things in this light when [brother] and [sister], who both lived in the same home as you, do not see things that way?

I realise that, if you are still in the same mind as you were when you sent that email, I cannot say anything in my defence without your thinking that I am just making excuses that will make, as you say, ?not a blind bit of difference?. I ?know what I did?: but the problem is, I don?t. There is one thing I can say that is not me making excuses, but a fact: the Independent Safeguarding Authority, that decides on whether a person investigated for a sex offence should be barred from work with children, has decided that I am NOT a threat to children. NOT a paedophile. And I have the document to prove it!

I sent your letter on (in confidence of course) to Paul Harrold {name has been changed} (a very old and wise friend of mine whom you just might remember) and he made what I think is a very good point. He pointed out that, as the youngest child of our family the break-up between your Mum and I probably had a more profound impact on you than on [brother] or [sister]. During the later stages of the lead up to the divorce you would have witnessed events which could be remembered as what you call my violence and rages. That was a very difficult and emotional time, and both Mum and I behaved in ways that I think we probably both regret. And the atmosphere in the house was pretty bad at the most vulnerable time of your life.

I do hope we can sort this thing out between us. It is terrible to be estranged from you.

Dad xxx xxx

I have not responded. He sent another email at Easter, another one of his nonsense 'your message didn't come through' ones that seem designed to elicit a response from me, needless to say it hasn't and wont work.
I am in a much better place, when the birthday email came through, I saw it in my inbox but didn't wish to deal with it at that time and was able to simply not open it and get on with life until I was ready to deal with it, I would never have been able to do that 4 months ago. I do want to respond to him, I want to send the no more contact final letter, I would like nothing more then to simply not respond in some ways but if I do that then I will continue to get these emails, I will have no recourse for harassment unless I tell him I do not want to have any contact in any way with him and also, there are some things I would like to say to him, most a pretty petty really in the grand scheme of things but I know the next email I send him will be the last ever, I will never ever get a chance to say them unless I say them now. I am however not rushing into writing or sending that email, I have bigger fish to fry what with still recovering from breaking my leg (two out of three breaks healed and I am back on my wobbly feet building up to getting back to work), I will write that email when I have a scrap of time to devote to it, because that is all he is worth, my scraps. I am kind of inclined to hold on until after dd's birthday at the end of May to see if he can get her birthday right, I wont hold my breath as he hasn't got a single other birthday right this year and I will never forgot the fact he couldn't remember her name when she was 3 months old and add that to the fact that when told I was expecting her he asked who the Father was his track record is not good for him!
I would like peoples opinion on that last message he sent me, I know what I think but I would really like to know what the outsider thinks of it, you have all helped me so much this past year, don't know if I could have made it without all the help and advice so I am always greedy for more.
Yet again a short update has turned mega, sorry, thanks for reading and in advance, thanks for your input.

Your strength and clear thinking is amazing. Your DD has a great role model in you.

I agree, reply as and when you are ready, your timetable, not his