Friend burst into tears when I told her of divorce

[ThePinkPussycat]

Although she knew I was going to do it, and seemed supportive, this close friend still burst out crying when I said I was going ahead. I have suffered verbal and emotional abuse, but not physical. Stbx does not fit the picture of a charmer, but he seems like an ordinary bloke to everyone else. I have promised her I will tell him that for her, this will not affect their friendship, however I am not so sure stbx thinks he is friends with her, tbh.

She's fine now, and tends to process things by being a bit emotional, and then getting over it, it's just her way, but it just seemed to highlight how difficult, nay impossible, it is to tell people anything of what's been going on. I suppose only those of us who have been through it get that, hence posting here for a bit of support from those who do understand.

email when exh and I split, I emailed everyone in one then they knew

Well where I live, word gets round, and I don't mind people knowing. But trying to tell close friends why is problematic, so I've stopped doing it much, and also I've been keeping up somewhat of a facade re my marriage till relatively recently. I don't live close to family, but made a point of ringing them all individually to let them know, so that nobody had to hear from someone else, which I guess would be the reason for a mass email.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend, surely she should be the one offering tissues, a shoulder and a tonne of chocolate

The news of your divorce is about you not the person you're telling. If they can't shut up and listen and share your reaction - tears or popping a champagne cork, both seem pretty normal to me - then i suggest you contemplate exactly why you're bothering with them!

I don't understand why the news of your divorce made her cry?

It has burst her illlusion of him and me as a happy couple, which I projected out of shame She really has been very supportive over many years, and still is, she said she had been hoping we would make it up again, although I did tell her it wasn't on the cards.

But but but that makes your crisis all about her, which is just plain old fashioned selfish

Supportive would be "what can i do to help you feel better" not "what can you do to make me feel better"

You have my sympathy OP. It is very stressful having to deliver the news to everyone, and people's reactions can be very surprising. You end up comforting them on some occasions. I thought I'd toughened up, and then I had a blub the other day. Think it was because I thought everyone knew by now and it threw me a bit. Well, a lot actually.

So, want just to say I totally understand. The positive thing is that people can also give you so much back, and you will find some wonderful support from the people you tell.

Hi Pussy cat (love the name btw). I had a few close friends who were gutted to hear about me and my ex splitting up, but it was my family who were the worst. I guess I was very good at keeping up the facade and also foolishly thought like many before me I 'could change him'.
Your friends reaction is an awful one for you, but I understand it, she thought you were the perfect couple, the fairytale and now her little bubble she had your marriage in has burst.
I can understand that she is worried also about her friendship with your stbx, only time will tell how that will pan out though. In my case I lost some very close and dear friends.

Hopefully when she gets over her upset she will be able to be of support to you.

She sounds like a twat. Don't worry, that is not a normal reaction to that news.

I have promised her I will tell him that for her, this will not affect their friendship

Is she that cut up about losing touch with him? That makes me suspicious Does she have a thing for him or something?

It's weird. She should be standing by you not snivelling about her 'lost friendship' with your STBXH

Don't you DARE cover up for him!

I'd lose her too, she's all about herself.

When we are in these relationships, some of the people who end up in our circle are not necessarily the healthiest people to know either.

She sounds utterly disfunctional, she sounds as if she'll undermine your decision to rid yourself of this poisonous oaf. You need to surround yourself who will be cheerleaders for you, not weeping and wailing for your (bloody abusive) Ex!

Ditch the pair of them. Seriously.

She is standing by me, and now this thread is a bit longer I can say that she has been supporting me since I began proceedings a while back. Nisi is through now, that's what threw her. Sorry folks, a certain someone knows I use MN so wanted not to draw attention too much, some of you will know me, the clue is in the colour. I spoke to her tonight, it's true she cried yesterday when I told her about nisi, but honestly she's just sad for what she thought stbx and I were. And she has supported me despite not knowing the full story. They both attend a monthly event together, so will be meeting, and btw I am certain she does not carry a torch!

One good thing, the shame has led to me losing touch with many friends, (but not this one, thank goodness), but thanks to advice found on here I found the courage to get in touch, and surprise surprise no judgement, just sympathy, just as people said would happen.

I would not have that person within a million miles of me.

Too late Hissy I covered up for him for twenty years, a triumph of hope over experience, sadly. It's also only recently that I realised my mental health problems could mostly be laid at his door and had been used by him to invalidate me when I did try to address the issues.

I have been surprised to find that some folk I thought I could trust, I really couldn't, just as you say. But she is not one of them.

i reacted like this, when my mum told me my auntie and uncle where getting divorced. and i remember saying to my mum, that i didnt know why i was crying. and 5mins ago, i probably still would have answered i dont know. but your explanation of a bubble bursting powers a lightbulb for me.
they where childhood sweethearts, who survived separate universities, and seemed to be the madly in love and perfect for each other.
i suppose i just couldnt believe it and felt very sad for them, as i love them both. it still saddens me that he is segregated now from the family. my aunt is the blood family and my loyalties have to lie there. but i would love him to be at my wedding, kids christenings etc.
maybe your friend feels similar?

What amazed me when people got wind of my imminent split was how unhappy so many of they were in their relationships and how impressed they were that I'd made the break

Honestly, people are actually saying to ditch a good friend because they cried about someone elses divorce? I got upset when a family member told me of her plans to divorce but it wasn't out of selfishness, I'd had no idea of all the crap she was going through and how awful her marriage actually was. I felt bad for her as she'd gone through it alone.

Another grief hijacker.

She sounds bonkers and a leedle bit self-absorbed.Give her a manly hug, tell her just because mummy and daddy don't love each other anymore it doesn't mean that you don't both love her, then tell her to get a fucking grip.

Pink it's good that you feel you can trust your friend I don't think her reaction was strange at all.

I can also understand the 'covering' for him you have done, I did the same although it did back fire when it all came to the crunch. I am a forgiving and sensitive person on the whole and tried ti make the break from him 'easier' for him, it was definitely to my detriment though.
Are you still living in the same house?

Does she normally try to make things happening in other people's lives All About Her?

Gawd, I can't stand people like that. Someone else is going through something terrible - come and give MEEEEEEE sympathy.

Just a thought: are her own parents divorced?

Or it's that she doesn't want to believe that bad things happen to good people (i.e. you) - if divorce is a bad thing, of course maybe it's a very good thing for you.

Yep just like my best friend. When told of our split & the reasons behind it her reaction was

"I don't believe you were going through all this and you didn't tell me so I could support you"

She didn't get that I couldn't tell ANYONE what I was going through other than my sis and mum, as I was struggling so much to verbalise/sort it in ym own head!!

I'm sure once she gets over the initial shock of the news she will continue to be a good supportive friend.

I think she was probably a bit shocked at the news.

Granted, she could have handled it better, but it sounds like she is a good friend to you and providing you with some much needed support at this time. If she is being helpful to you now, and giving you a sympathetic ear than I wouldn't worry too much.

She is making your news all about her.

This could be for any number of reasons. Maybe she's a histrionic or narcissistic type. Maybe her own marriage (or her parents' or whoever) is shit and your decision to divorce taps into her repressed feelings about it.

Whatever the reason, her reaction is selfish and unsupportive. Stick to the more stable and supportive people in your midst while you go through this difficult period.

Oh dear, I see I got the tone of my original post wrong. She has supported me even though I only gave her snippets of what was wrong with my marriage, and wouldn't have cried if I could have managed to tell her somehow all that was going on. But as usual it consisted of many small things, including stbx not talking about our problems, and also financial abuse which I am reluctant to reveal in RL as it involves us living on a substantial sum gifted to me by DF. I was hoping to discuss the difficulties of revealing abuse and then of people minimising it. Some of you get that, as I thought it's the people who've gone through it.