Friend burst into tears when I told her of divorce

[ThePinkPussycat]

Although she knew I was going to do it, and seemed supportive, this close friend still burst out crying when I said I was going ahead. I have suffered verbal and emotional abuse, but not physical. Stbx does not fit the picture of a charmer, but he seems like an ordinary bloke to everyone else. I have promised her I will tell him that for her, this will not affect their friendship, however I am not so sure stbx thinks he is friends with her, tbh.

She's fine now, and tends to process things by being a bit emotional, and then getting over it, it's just her way, but it just seemed to highlight how difficult, nay impossible, it is to tell people anything of what's been going on. I suppose only those of us who have been through it get that, hence posting here for a bit of support from those who do understand.

I have gone through an abusive marriage, and the initial difficulties of revealing it to friends. The majority reaction - and the most helpful - was friends going "Oh no, that sounds awful! How can I help?"

You do not have time or energy to spare right now making your friend feel better, and fixing her relationship with your stbxh. This is a time to centre on what you need for yourself. And that includes supportive people who are not an additional emotional drain on you.

And congratulations, btw.

I'm with bluesue. My best friend is maybe splitting with her dh and although i think it is prob the right thing (as he is an untrustworthy git) i still feel really sad about it because i know how much she wanted it to work. Is it not possible your friend felt similarly sad for you and just reacted rather more strongly than expected? If she asked you to make sure her relationship with him wasn't damaged though, i do think that's really insensitive.

My mum and my sister KNEW everything I was going through. When TF left they both FFed off on holiday to NZ.

they BOTH planned their holidays, for months without telling me they were both going until a couple of weeks before their departure, knowing full well what I had gone through, that he was leaving, and that they were leaving within days of him. I was TOTALLY alone. I got more sympathy from 'random' strangers on here than I did in RL.

When they got back a month later, they both refused to take my calls, or if I did catch them, couldn't wait to get off the phone, and my sister told me that she purposely ignored the texts I sent her when in deep despair as it was my choice to be there.

Not ONE of them ever asked about me, they only said how hurtful it was to them to witness my situation. but when the time came, they literally couldn't get any further from me. They made my 10 years of hell ALL about them. If for whatever reason the subject came up, they changed it sharpish and brutally, making it fully known that it was not something they would tolerate talking about, turning it to themselves every time. I was utterly devastated. I never thought they could be that calculating.

They will shortly both be at the other end of the country to me, and wonder why I wouldn't ever consider moving down there with them....

I may be stupid, but I'm not THAT fucking stupid!

Some people make our problems ALL about them and don't give US any thought at all.

Pink, your friend is selfish and she is stealing the attention that you so desperately need to get you through this. As I said, her reaction is SOOOO off the wall, I would dump her in a heartbeat. Why? because all her attention is on HER, and not on you. That is no friend to have. Your radar is skewed, imho. You need to demand more of those around you.

Hissy she is the one who I asked if I could flee there if I needed to when the petition came to stbx (we're in same house). Didn't think he would be violent (and he wasn't, just even more nasty) but realised from advice on here that I could not count on his behaviour being predictable. She said yes without a moment's hesitation, even not knowing much about the inside of our marriage.

I was in a shite relationship a long while back- it only lasted a year (which I'm grateful for) and wasn't exactly terrible, but he was emotionally abusive towards me and my already low self-steem took a further kicking.

When I expressed my anger towards him after the split, both my mum and dad (in seperate conversations) stuck up for him and assured me 'he wasn't that bad' . They obviously had one fixed idea of what he was like, and that was that, and I should have been grateful I had a boyfriend at all!

It must be even harder to confide in people when the abuse is worse. I guess it's because people then have to chage their perceptions of the abuser?

Why are abusive people so able to charm everyone else around them I wonder?

Sorry Pink, think I'm rambling now.

Hissy, your family sound just awful. If my sister was going through the same as you, no way would I bugger off and leave her to it (and we're not particularly close). I'm sorry you've had such a rough time.

Thanks Sevens When she had her MC, and I'd already had 2, I texted her almost every day to see how she was, emailed her and even emailed my mum to boot her up the arse to contact my sis. Won't be making THAT mistake again.

Pink, your friend may have offered, but it didn't come to it did it? AND I have a feeling that she'd have adopted that glowing aura of a saint having 'taken you in' LOADS of people say stuff. Remember the MN Relationships Board Motto?

Actions not words.

HER actions are SCREAMING OUT. This smacks of ALL about HER. You don't figure in her tears. Tread carefully and chalk this one against her. Take it in as part of the wider picture. her reaction is not that of a caring and compassionate friend. If it were, you'd not be on here questioning it in the first place would you?

Hissy with great respect I do know her. Support since September re divorce, honesty from the beginning that she was sad about us breaking up, always at the end of a phone, always ready to meet, letting me rant, taking me out for , vs 5 mins spontaneous and genuine crying? Hardly the same as fucking off to NZ (that sounds horrendous, btw). We both let our emotions out perhaps too much, and we understand that about each other.

Truth is I've been too successful at projecting a facade. It wasn't even that at the beginning, I fell into the trap of thinking stbx would fulfil his potential if I supported him, and I did love him, it was very hard to let all that go and realise the truth, as you have pointed out on EA a few times I think. Upside is the DCs have actually had a reasonable childhood and youth, downside for me is that I can't tell them now the full extent of my abuse. But I'm a big girl now, I'll have to handle that for the time being.