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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh gets on my nerves

44 replies

lostboysfallin · 11/01/2012 23:32

That's it really
Everything he does, says
I don't want to kiss him, cuddle up to him in bed

Don't feel affectionate at all
He has some annoying habits, but nothing major, but they are driving me crazy

We have just started counselling, mainly to do with his stress and what it is doing to our marriage.
Do I bring this up?
He is going to be so hurt, he's trying so hard

Have lovely dinner booked out tomorrow and I'm dreading it, boring small talk, same old crap

Its affecting my health now, feel so anxious all the time
Gp prescribed diazepam today, to get me through it
I feel like if it wasn't for him, I woudn't need it

Is this making sense?
I'm so miserable

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 12/01/2012 00:59

Stress and depression (do you think you might be depressed at all) can make a person very sensitive to irritation - for me it's often sounds, sometimes I just cannot stand to have music or the radio on in this state, (my irritation with OH is prob irrelevant as I am divorcing him so won't go into that)

Focus first on getting yourself(ves) past the stress and back into a good place, then re-evaluate to see if you are still pissed off by him.

Jasper · 12/01/2012 01:54

what habits?

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 12/01/2012 09:08

But its like a vicious circle, its only his stress or his behaviour that causes me stress!
I don't mean his habits stress me out, its the constant moaning about work, the complaining about everything, the same old moaning about colleagues, and that causes him to be irritable and snappy and take it out on me.
The habits, picking his feet when sitting on the couch, blowing his nose like a trumpet, scratching his legs til they bleed, on couch, sheets. (needs to go to doc)
can't keep still on couch
Eats constantly, greedily, will eat a whole carton of potato salad while waiting for dinner.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2012 09:26

Sounds like he's the one who ought to be seeing a doctor - like, when he goes in to have his scratched legs seen to (ugh!) he needs to discuss the underlying causes, stress and depression. If he can get himself into a better frame of mind a lot of these annoying habits will just fade away. He is probably stuck in a depressive rut and can't think of anything more interesting to say because his brain just whirls helplessly. Counselling and/or CBT via the GP would be a good start, possibly with anti-depressants too, and a hard look at his current lifestyle eg more exercise, less potato salad! Hopefully this can be done in time to save your relationship, but at least he can come out of this a mentally healthier person. If he won't countenance any of these approaches, you may have to start seriously considering your options. Realising you've reached breaking point may give him the necessary kick up the bum.

rafreg · 12/01/2012 09:35

Its probably living with you that makes him stressed, you sound like a real charmer

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 12/01/2012 12:02

That's helpful rafreg
I'm stressed, anxious, living with a husband on the verge of a breakdown who loses his temper and shouts at me, I'm looking for help.

I have been patience personified, helpful, considerate, listening, suggesting solutions, keeping it all in
And I can't do it anymore, I want to scream

OP posts:
Original poster
lostboysfallin · 12/01/2012 12:04

Annie, everything you say is spot on. I've begged him to see his gp

OP posts:
CrystalsAreCool · 12/01/2012 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotLivingTheDream · 12/01/2012 15:47

I have no advise but can empathise, I have PND and spend all day and night dreaming of walking out on my DH. I hate to spend time with him, have nothing to say to him and no interest in what he says. Would love to leave but have 2 DCs and youngest is just 3 months. We have had problems in past but never been like this. I am scared to go in case its just my depression talking and I regret it later, but also feel he is the cause of a lot of it and I wont get better til I go.

Think I get award for most unhelpful post - sorry.

CailinDana · 12/01/2012 16:10

It's no wonder he pisses you off so much, you seem to have had it up to the eyeballs with him and I can't blame you. Why would you want to cuddle up with someone who whinges endlessly and has such nasty habits? It's great that you are having counselling but the fact that you need medication to be able to put up with him says to me that you might be at the end of the road.

MsLillyBeth · 12/01/2012 16:38

LBF, could you bring up his reluctance to see the GP in your next counselling session? It will give you the chance to approach the subject in a safe environment and hopefully he will realise he has to go. Or at least it will force him to consider his reluctance and realise how it?s affecting your relationship. I know you don?t want to hurt him but it will hurt him more if you left him.

lazarusb · 12/01/2012 16:58

Do you think a trial separation would be useful? To give you time to assess your relationship from a distance, while still going for counselling. There were things my ex did that I found abhorrent. In the end I avoided eating with him etc, slowly that turned to contempt and that gradually dissipated to nothing. We had other, bigger issues but I couldn't go through that again.

Fairenuff · 12/01/2012 17:05

Set a time limit on the moaning. In the early evening sit down together and tell him, you have my undivided attention for 30 minutes. You can complain about whatever you like and I will listen. After that, no more. I don't want to hear it.

It's easy to get into the habit of 'sounding off' to your partner but he needs to know that it's too depressing for you to hear so much. He would be better offloading to a counsellor who may be able to get him to think about how he reacts to situations and how he can change his behaviour to improve his own happiness. He may be referred for CBT if that would be helpful, but you don't have to put up with this, it's asking too much.

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 13/01/2012 17:26

The dinner was just the two of us, we had a nice time.
He talked about work a bit, but just the same as anyone would

Pinkpussycat, I've discussed depression with my gp, neither of us think I am suffering, its more of an anxiety. I'm not sad at all.
Lillybeth, I did mention me begging him to go to the gp at counselling, but counsellor started talking about a wellbeing coach for him, admittedly she didn't know about the itchy skin. Think I need to bring it up again.

Lazarusb, I think I would find it hard to come back if we had a trial separation. Id enjoy time by myself too much
That's sad.

Notlivingthedream, im sorry you feel similar, have you seen your gp re your pnd?

Fairenuff, I think cbt is the type of thing he needs, but finding a counsellor is just like picking the name out of a hat, I'm sure the gp could recommend one.
Maybe I should ask my gp?

I think maybe I need to give him an ultimatum, he has to see someone, but obviously I have to be ready to desk with the consequences

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 13/01/2012 17:38

LBF it does sound from what you say that he's the one who needs the help. I'm glad your meal went well.

I don't know much about anxiety tbh, but strangely it is possible to be depressed without feeling sad, also without realising you are depressed - life seems awful and you think that's cos it is awful, in that state, sometimes that's a mis-perception because of actually being depressed. However, you've seen your doctor, which is good.

Don't think I'm being much help, but do wish you all the best.

landphil · 13/01/2012 22:54

I have a real problem with my dh's habits and really don't know if it's me or him.
He fidgets constantly and always plays with his chin , lips, or sits with his pinkie in his mouth, or scratches his neck while screwing up his face.

Makes me groo

QuickLookBusy · 14/01/2012 09:38

OP I have had issues with anxiety, caused by bereavement, the gp gave me anti depressants and referred me to cbt.
I didn't take the tablets as I didn't like the sound of the side effects but I did start cbt and it has been so helpful.
I am learning ways to stop the horrible circle of anxiety/worry/more anxiety etc etc. It has really made me much calmer. I would recommend it for you and dh.
He needs to realise that unless he gets help for himself your relationship is not going to last much longer.

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 16/01/2012 12:28

I definitely think CBT is the way to go.

I feel really mean looking back on this now, it was my birthday weekend and DH made a huge effort, and I had the best weekend for a long time.
But we did have lots of other people around, so that helped.

But back to reality today, feeling positive, but have so much to do, and I just can't get to it.
Pinkpussycat, I think I know what you mean. And sometimes I think maybe I have my head in the sand, and don't want to admit I am depressed.
But I was very honest with the GP, and she came to the same conclusion

In the meantime, I have given him DS's excema cream for his legs and some heavy duty foot cream!

OP posts:
landphil · 16/01/2012 17:09

great news!

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 16/01/2012 23:17

Spoke too soon, back to his bad mood self tonight.
In fact he's gone to sleep on the couch

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 16/01/2012 23:21

What is he stressed about, can you say? Is it something that can be dealt with, or something that can't and just has to be put up with?

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 16/01/2012 23:29

Well, its all work related really.
He works hard and although he is being rewarded, he just feels like he is the only one doing anything.
He is hating his job right now. we are going away at the weekend and have a family holiday planned for Feb, but he can't seem to look forward to them.

I can't change his job for him, again this has to come from him, but he's done nothing about it, except moan of course!

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 16/01/2012 23:47

Does he enjoy what he actually does, but find the people he works with difficult (or is that me projecting, as I have been in such jobs [and it could be me that's difficult, tbh])? I have been there, and it takes over your life and stops you enjoying things because of the dread of going to work always hanging over you.

Or does he hate the work - like a friend of mine who worked in a horrid call-centre, but is in a nice one now? Or what? No wonder it is affecting you, because although you want to help, you can't, really.

mike1May · 16/01/2012 23:48

WTF!
All YOU do is moan and whinge at the guy! Where is your support? How are you contributing to all this?

All you've done is slag off your bloke and not taken any responsibility at all!

Maybe I should start a thread from him....
I try my best, but my other half just hates my guts. She can't stand to be near me, and all intimacy is long gone. She feels no intimacy at all, doesn't want to cuddle up in bed and doesn't even make an effort with my friends "boring small talk, same old crap".
I work hard, try my best, but just come home to resentment. What do you think I should do? Should I just leave her?

ThePinkPussycat · 16/01/2012 23:53

Presumably OP doesn't want to feel like this, and wants to address it, or wouldn't have posted in the first place.