He lied to me and I don't know what to do.

[Bettybooklover]

Husband told me last night in September he borrowed 3*£500 from payday loan companies. He needed this to pay the service charges on a flat we rent out. He asked to borrow it from me (I was saving to repay a professional loan) I expressed doubt he would reimburse me (it was due in December) hes still not paid them back making part payments and owes them £700. its cost hundreds in interest. Clearly had I lent it to him that would've been my loan repayment fucked too.

He lied to me. He told me he took out one, for £500, and in October when he didn't repay this in full I worked out his budgeting for November so he could pay them then. he had the money (ONLY £500 THOUGH AS OBV DIDN"T KNOW ABOUT THE REST) I made him promise he had repaid it in November as per my workings. He lied.

We have not spoken since he told me after which followed blazing row.

What on earth do i do?

Difficult one. First off, don't lend him your money. Beyond that, not a clue, sorry. You'll have to wait for someone clever. Good luck, hope you get it sorted.

What is the cause of all the financial difficulties?

Recession and business debts really- he had abusiness he had to fold. We found ourselves in a lifestyle that my wage + his employed wage couldn't fund. We can't afford the mortgage on the house and we DO live quite hand to mouth ATM so big expenses like that are hard to find. I know he was stressed. It's really the lying I'm shocked about.

That house is on the Market now to pay back these debts, so we can buy another home and start a family. I don't know if I can do that with someone who lies to me.

How are you doing? Hmmm I wouldn't want any further financial commitments with someone who can handle debt tbh.

Thanks for asking. We're still not speaking. You're right- he just can't cope with money- I have some sympathy as I'm bad at financial management- to some extent I think that's the result of financial difficulties- when you have no money you feel so out ofcontrol it's hard to start controlling it again.

BUT he knew this payment was coming, a year in advance. He didn't make any provisions and chose to prioritise less important payments over this.

And he lied. Open bare faced lie.

OK lots of people are shite with money.

I'd sit down together and agree you are both shit at it, but he more than youl Do this so that he doesn't feel got at. Let that be for a while.

THEN get at him good and proper. Talk about the lie, how did he feel telling it, how has it affected him knowing he was hiding something from you. It may be that he was doing head in sand. Everyone lies. You don't have to break up.

Then agree a way forward.

Me I do it like this. I am very good with money -

Monthly salary minus ALL bills.
Then savings, done and dusted.

The work out the number of weeks in the month till you get paid.
Take off that many weeks' worth of fuel and food.

Write down what things are extra that month - trips, bday pressies, car tax, whatever.

The rest is what you have to play with. Sometimes I have a tenner a week. But everything I need is paid for and I don't have to worry.

Good luck x x x

Thanks so much for that really helpful advice. I have tried doing budgets etc with him but they never materialise- ie I can calculate that he should have £200 left but it's just never there- although I guess I can see now it's because he was struggling on part payments at 155567900% interest or soemthing.

Ok. Nit quite sure how to approach him. I think I need to plan everything I want out of it first?

Well whatever happens, maybe make sure he only has pocked money left to play with and when that's gone its gone - and YOU and your SECURITY are not affected.

When he shows that he can manage money, he can start taking responsibility again. Mind you not great, he might feel that you are Mummy or whatever. But if you don't do this, YOU will get in financial trouble, because of HIM. ;)

I think he'll have a real problem with that- I've suggested it many times in te past- he's very stubborn. But he might not have a choice. He clearly can't handle it

My fiance did exactly this. We had only been together about a year when I found about the first one. He had no money and lived a good distance away and took it to be able to see me and take me out. We sorted that, I paid it off on a credit card for him to pay me back. He did and all was fine. About a year later I checked my credit card statement to find that the same company had been taking £10 a day from my card for a month before finally taking a massive lump sum. It came to about a grand. I had a meltdown, I had just got it paid off. He had only borrowed about £400, a sum I would have been able to give him had he asked.

He finally came clean about everything. It was almost a dealbreaker but he took a second job and sorted payment plans and his debts are almost all paid off.
I must admit I thought of leaving him but in every other way he is wonderful and I wasn't prepared to leave him for this mistake, even if he did make it twice!!

He is younger than me and most debts were old, the 2 payday loans were the only things he did when we were together. He has never done anything like this since and is a good provider. Initially he had very little access to money but now he is back to normal and it has all been fine (he has no credit cards, loans etc). He is just trusted with a bank card! It has been more than 2 years and he has proved himself and I'm so pleased we got past it.

It took me along time to get over the hurt and anger but I managed it. Only you will know if you can forgive him but I have been there and knew it was worth saving. The lies got to me too, more than the money. He had to learn to be completely open and he struggled at first but now we do ok.

I really hope you can get through this

Thank you. I'm pleased you came out the other end positively, thanks for sharing.

so you both own the flat "we rent out" and he has to ask you for money for charges.

and nice to see so many people advocating the total removal of money from a spouse.

I would ask him if he wants you to stay together.

If he does then perhaps the agreement is that you go through the daily finances together every evening - that you are accountable to each other for what you have spent that day and you go through the current account for payments that have gone out etc.

I think the bottom line is that if the relationship is to continue you both need open and honest money communication and accountability. "The budget never materialises" that's why you sit down together and make it together. Menu plan for the week buy the food etc etc etc.

If one of you is going out for the evening then you have the money discussion prior to that - that evenings £ spent is discussed the following day. For example I bought £7.65 on food shopping (receipt to be produced), £3 at the pub with Dave and filled the car which was £35 but both of you do it.

Does that sound feasible. I hope you can manage to sort out the debt it must be horrid.

To be honest i would pay a pay day loan off as quickly as possible as with some the quicker you pay it back the less you have to pay, you can always phone up the gas company and say that although the bill is due on xx you are unable to pay it until xx. Then you arent running into more debt as he is, cos as long as he hasnt paid him back he will be running up more debt and the interest rates on these sites are ridiculous! x

We don't jointly own it: that's an incorrect assumption.

I should clarify- the house is his. He keeps the rent (which now exceeds the mortage) he keeps all his wages and uses them to repay debts. Since we clearly have to live somewhere ourselves, I pay the rent and all bills on our home. My doing this allows him to live for free so every penny he earns goes to these debts.

If there are no children involved, dump him. This type never change. Better to quit now before dc are in the equation and before he can let you all down tenfold.

Wanker.

but you did say that "we rent out". Which would at very less imply that you benefit from the rent.

X-post

given the last post Betty. I agree with UA

how old are you? just curious. what's his background? just curious again.

I bet he doesnt want kids yet. They often lob this kind of shit into an already incendiary situation re ttc, to make sure that you back off and have exactly the doubts you are rightly having.

Don't have children with this plonker. A decent holiday before you dump him maybe. But not children. Stop listening to his lies. And don't given him any more money. What a loser.

I'm 32 he's 33. We're not ttc, we've been married 6 years and I'm not gtting any younger so it was kind of the next step. I didn't know he was lying to me when these plans were made.
His background? His family are weird about money- tight as fuck. Own 3 houses outright but have to buy everything from the pound/ charity shops and get White goods from skips and fix them up. He's a bit of a dimwit I suppose.

Of course I wouldn't have been married to
him all this time of he didn't have good points, I just can't think of any right now

Hang on, he lives completely bill-free with you and he is messing about with payday loans when he has spare rental money and his wages?

That would be it, for me.

I agree a bad situation but he has resisted every attempt to have total transparancy and joint finances. It's hard not to get bitter when you work 50 hours a week And know your homelife could be so much better (financially) if your partner could contribute to thehousehold expenses rather than paying back debts. I know it's not right but it's hard not to resent it.

Well we've kind of had a chat and done a budget for 3 months which allows the payday loans to be paid back. That's the emergency dealt with. The relationship will take far longer, but I guess we can't hurry that.

He says I talk to him like he's achild. I prob do but what can you do with someone who goes behind your back?

It wasn't even £700, it was £1700. So worn down I don't know if I misunderstood or he lied about that again.

Gosh! It is a mess....you ought to sit down together and plan your finances a bit better.