I am not cut out to be a mother, I just can't do it anymore.

[StandingAlone]

I am not sure if this should be in relationships or mental health, I will give it a try in here first though.

Today the girls have been hard work, either that or I am not coping. DD1 is 4 and DD2 is 2.5yo.

MIL came this morning to see us, we get on very well and has said to ring her tomorrow if I need anything and she will pop round before she goes to work.

The DD's seem to really good when other people are here, when DH is here they are good as gold (he is at work at the moment), when they are with MIL or my parents they are as good as gold. With me it is a completely different story. So the deciding factor in their behavior is me, it is not them so it must be something I am doing wrong.

DD1 goes to the nursery attached to the local primary 5 afternoons a week, so she wasn't even here this afternoon. DD2 is very strong willed and is fine as long as she gets 100% of my attention 100% of the time, and anyone who is a SAHP or a parent full stop know that this is not possible in normal day to day life.

I am sick of hearing her whine, she is constant and no amount of ignoring works, I have been ignoring the negative and rewarding the positive behavior for the last 18 months. DD2 has a will of bloody iron. It is constant whine, moan, whine, moan, whine, moan. My ears & head hurts from listening to her day in and day out. I get sick of the sound of my own voice. DD2 and I play, read books, go to the park, maybe watch some TV and try and have some quiet time where she learns to amuse herself for 10 minutes.
I struggle to get on with housework as she seems to want to be attached to me all the time. It's not a problem per say as DH does it when he gets in from work. The only way I can get on with tea is to either strap her in her buggy and try and not listen to her screaming or to wait for DH to get home.
On the other hand DD2 is such a loving child, I always get lots of kisses and cuddles from her and is such a kind little girl who makes me melt with love and affection.

DD1 is in typical 'teenagerish' mode at the age of 4. I am assured by all that it is perfectly normal. She argues, talks back, tells me I am horrid and she hates me. Tells me that she never gets anything from me and is generally not very nice the majority of the time to me.
I tell her that it is not very nice to say nasty things to people like that and ask her what she would like me to do for her and she can never give me an answer.

The DD's don't get majorly spoilt by DH & myself unless for a special occasion, but they have everything they need, some things that they want and a few other bits and bobs.

I don't know what to do I am at the end of my tether and it takes all my strength not to physically lash out at them. I have never hit my children and if I ever feel like I might I walk away every time. I do shout though and I have tried really hard to keep my voice and composure with them for months now, up until this afternoon.
I had to go and sit in the bathroom out of the way of DD2 because I felt like smacking her. She was safe in the room and I could still hear her.

I just don't understand how they are fine for EVERYONE else and not me, it is obviously me that is wrong or doing something wrong or simply just a shit mother who can do no right.
I feel like I don't deserve my girls, I feel like they would be better off if I walked away, I just don't have the guts because I am a selfish person.

I don't know what to do, GP is useless, DH is very black and white and doesn't understand although he does support me a lot, maybe too much.
I recently (within the last 3 months) finished some CBT and counselling. My OCD is under control and I am fighting my severe anxiety each day and it is so much better than it was. I thought I had dealt with my depression, maybe not.
Everything seems so black right now and I cant see a way out.

OMG sorry I didn't realise it was so long, feels good just to get it off my chest.

Please feel free to ignore.

It does sound hard - have you thought about going to work - being away from home and DCs might be good for you all

You are not alone.
I found that my children would be lovely for other people and just plain evil for me or DH but thankfully they grew out of it. I know that is not much help to you right now.
I think you need to talk to your DH again and make him understand how much you are having to cope with, forget the rewarding the good and start punishing the bad as clearly the other way round is not going well, Time outs, naughty step, no treats and so on.
Hope things improve soon

Oh you poor thing. You sound knackered, and not surprisingly.

I'm really not the best person to give advice, especially with your MH issues, but I didn't want to read and run.

Can you see a different GP? Yours doesn't sound like they're any good, tbh. Two small children is exhausting for anyone (it certainly would be for me) and you really need some extra help right now.

Someone once told me that kids give the major caregiver the most hassle because they're the ones they feel most secure with. That gave me some comfort when my own ds1 was being revolting with me but ccharming with other people (incidentally he is a lovely teenager now).

You don't sound selfish and you DO sound like a good mum- but just one who's a little overwhelmed right now.

Do you get any time on your own each day? I make a point of having a bath for an hour each evening, during which time no-one is allowed to disturb me. While this may sound greedy/over-the-top/selfish to some people, I actually find it essential for my mental well-being- and that's only because I cannot cope with people around me 24/7.

Aargh. I wish I could be of more help.

Hey hang in there ! I have a DS9 who everyone says is wonderful but to me he is a nightmare! Will do nothing , whines and complains and acts like a full blown teenager!
It sounds like you may be struggling with depression I have that t-shirt , why don't you go to a different Gp for a second opinion?
It also sounds like you need some me time, Can you get either DH or MIL to mind DD2 some morning so you can get out and go for a walk to clear your head? Are there any mother toddler groups you could take your little one too ?

Okay, I think you need to go back to your GP. You sound depressed and at the end of your rope. If you're suffering with anxiety it's not really surprising that you feel like this. People who don't suffer from depression and/or anxiety often don't understand, which is possibly why your DH is being unhelpful. If your GP really is useless can you see one of his/her partners? Some GPs are better than others with mental health issues.

Quite apart from that, parenting is bloody hard sometimes and it's rarely the way we imagined it would be. I have a 4-year-old and an 8-month-old and I've been rather shouty all week as the baby is a menace at the moment and I've just remembered how wearing this stage is, how long it lasts (about a year if DS1 is anything to go by), and how little patience I still seem to have. sigh

Can you get DD2 into a nursery for a couple of days a week to give youself a break? I put DS1 in nursery at 14 months because I was at the end of my rope and I plan to get DS2 into one next Sept when he's 18 months. It can be a sanity-saver. Hang in there.

I think you need to get back to the Docs it does not sound as if your OCD is under control and certainly not your anxiety. You sound very down, get out in the sunshine (well the light rather than sunshine this time of year) as much as you can and get yourself re-referred for some more CBT.

{{hug}}

I have 1 DS, he is 6. He does all of the above and drives me insane. What youbdescribe is perfectly normal, it will hget better, but i agree, if going back to work would make you happier then look into it.

Otherwise perhaps look into getting a cleaner to help with stuff, and activites for the little one so that you get out of the house and do things with her. Could ypu see if there is a nursery that could take her for an afternoon or so once or twice a week so you get some of that valuable 'whinge free time'. I know how exhausting it is! ((((Hugs))))

My word, you do sound like you are at the end of your tether, can you afford to put DD2 into nursery even for a couple of afternoons a week so that you can have some time away to recharge and do housework, or stuff for yourself?

A job might be a good idea too, to get some adult company etc.

You are NOT a crap mother so please don't feel like you are doing something wrong.

I would guess that your girls play you up more than anyone else because they actually feel more comfortable with you and can therefore be themselves.

Every parent will tell you that kids can drive you to the limit sometimes, especially when they are very young, but as they get older life does get easier, I promise !

It probably would help though if you make sure that you get time to yourself every day, let your H take over whilst you visit friends, go shopping or even just have a nice long soak in the bath to recharge your batteries.

Chin up !

Can you contact Home start to look for help with nursery places? My dear friend just did this as was at the end of the line herself with a child the same age-2 1/2 and behaving in similar manner. She was found three afternoons at a local school nursery. Saved, she said she felt.

OP, I really feel for you. Spending 24/7 with very young children can be relentless, and often frustrating.
I bet that there are thousands and thousands of women who felt they weren't cut out to be a mother at one point or another.

I really think that the most important thing to do is to get on top of the bad behaviour. I am not sure why/and when your dd1 tells you she hates you etc, but this is absolutely not on. I'd really concentrate on trying to sort this out (I wouldn't ask her what she would like you to do).

2.5 yr old children can be clingy and whiney, do you think you stay too much at home, does she get "bored"? What kind of things do yo do together?

I also firmly believe that you need some time on your own, do you get it?

do you get some, I meant

I had whole days like that when my eldest 3 were small. Sometimes I'd lock myself in the loo for 5 mins for some quiet 'me' time(!?) I used to wake up in the mornings and think : "Only 13 hours to go until they're asleep and then I can hear myself think again". Why not pay for some child care for your 2 year old? Or ask MIL to have her (if she can). You need a break from one another and some time to feel human.

Thank you so much everyone for your lovely replies.

I do get time to myself, I forgot to mention that DD2 goes to nursery one day a week (Thursdays) so once DD1 is in school on Thursday afternoons I get a couple of hours. I cant wait for Thursdays, then I miss her so much and physically ache to see her and hover round the door for when DH brings her home.

I have been looking and applying for jobs, mainly evening as we would not be able to afford much childcare and MIL works 60 hour weeks and my parents wont help. Nothing out there at the minute, not even the local Maccy D's have any vacancies DH is really good and gives me as much time as I need on an evening. I think I martyr myself a lot though and need to learn not to

DH will literally take over and pick up the slack with regards to the girls, housework and cooking. He doesn't need to do so often and we do 50/50 once he is home anyway so I don't have anywhere near as much on my plate as a lot of people have. DH and I also take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekends and when he is off work in the school holidays (he is a techie in a local college) so I do get plenty chance to rest.

I am struggling to sleep at the moment despite being exhausted most days, which is why I think you are all right and that I am depressed again. My counselor/CBT lady said to call her again if I ever needed to, so I think once DD1 is at school tomorrow afternoon I will give her a call.
My GP originally just gave me a 3 month supply of anti d's with no check up's etc and wasn't interested when I went to see him again as I felt even worse on them. I just took myself off them (stupid I know) but felt much better off them than on, also once I came off the pill things seemed easier and clearer for me.

I will make an appointment with another GP though (our lady GP is always booked up but very nice and understanding) I have to go into the surgery tomorrow anyway to collect my medication that my cardiologist is starting me on (Ace Inhibitors) so will make the appointment then.

I feel so much better for getting this off my chest. I love my girls so much that it hurts and would be lost without them. I never thought being a parent would be easy but my god I never thought it would be so damn hard.
At least the dogs behave

DH got home about half an hour ago so I have had a good old cry while he gave me a massive cuddle and felt much better instantly.

Thank you everyone, it means so much to me that there are people at the other end of a computer who understand.

TSC. Do you mean get rid of the girls or the dogs

Hello, have you thought of phoning your local homestart? Sounds like you need some extra support. I hope things ikmprove soon. I remember how hard i found my kids when they were younger, and it is really tough.

4 and 2.5 you say? crying at the memory

Mine are now 5 and 3.5. Much better . DD1 in school, DD2 in preschool 2.5 days per week.

I also have a rule which decrees 'no whining'. If they are whinging and whining they go to their rooms until they can request something nicely and politely using proper words.

I do agree with the exercise suggestion - this should help clear your head and help with the sleep issues too.

definitely find another gp. handing over a 3 month supply of ads and not seeing you regularly as you start them is shocking and reportable. it is well known that you can feel worse before you start feeling better on ads and that you should be well monitored in the early weeks especially.

glad you've had cuddles and company now and feel better for getting things off of your chest.

sounds like practically everything is there (supportive partner, some nursery so you get time to yourself etc) but that in yourself you're not doing great and need some help with your health. i also agree that it's time to tackle behaviour proactively - not ok for dd to be saying she hates you and such. time to start with some age and individual appropriate sanctions.

Hi, just another voice of support really, mine are 8 and 2.5 and I sometimes lose the will too.

One of the reasons your daughter does play up more with you is you are her main carer, you are the most important person in her life. She plays up with you because she trusts you enough to test things, she's working it all out with you. I know it's hard to cope with, it drives me crazy with my younger one when he is sweetness when out/with others but bored, whingy, clingy when just me.

I would say speak to your husband and have a week of no housework/anything unless vital - just do stuff you and your youngest enjoy and try to have a little fun with her.

You are doing a great job, much better than you think, I'm sure.

"DD1 is in typical 'teenagerish' mode at the age of 4. I am assured by all that it is perfectly normal. She argues, talks back, tells me I am horrid and she hates me. Tells me that she never gets anything from me and is generally not very nice the majority of the time to me."

DD argues, talks back and such. DP and I laugh about her being a little "teenager"
In contrast, DD is always very very affectionate to me, as I am to her. We chat all the time, she never fecking shuts up mostly. We talk anything from Peppa pig to daddy's afraid of pomegranates!

My stepdaughter is now 9 and she has never told I am horrid or she hates me either.

OP it is good you care. Focus on that

I was in the same place as you, DS1 great, DS2 a terror! they are 10 and 7 now. deffinatley get in contact with homestart - i had them and they are brilliant.

i have ocd and on and off depression and i found it so hard to get through the day, i went to 6 parenting classes and an assertiveness class, i seeked tarot reading.... everything!
its good that your praising the good ignoring the bad behaviour, thats where i started. i spend most of the time doing housework - had to have sparkling home. due to ocd. i had my DS2 hanging of my leg because i wasnt paying him any attention, DS1 was upset that i spent most my time trying to please DS2...to keep him quiet - i was depressed because i felt i was leaving DS1 out..... i know how you feel and it seems hopeless, i can tell you now you are not a bad mum. you havent failed in any way and your kids obviously love you to want to be on your hip.

what helped me was to leave the housework (was hard) and instead spend time playing for a while, then done the house work later one on when DP is home to give attention and if DS2 kicked up i would give him something to help me do the house work. same as cooking i started to get them both helping me prepare dinner. (understand this aint for everyone but it helped me so just sharing.)

hope everything gets better for you (((hugs)))