I am not cut out to be a mother, I just can't do it anymore.

[StandingAlone]

I am not sure if this should be in relationships or mental health, I will give it a try in here first though.

Today the girls have been hard work, either that or I am not coping. DD1 is 4 and DD2 is 2.5yo.

MIL came this morning to see us, we get on very well and has said to ring her tomorrow if I need anything and she will pop round before she goes to work.

The DD's seem to really good when other people are here, when DH is here they are good as gold (he is at work at the moment), when they are with MIL or my parents they are as good as gold. With me it is a completely different story. So the deciding factor in their behavior is me, it is not them so it must be something I am doing wrong.

DD1 goes to the nursery attached to the local primary 5 afternoons a week, so she wasn't even here this afternoon. DD2 is very strong willed and is fine as long as she gets 100% of my attention 100% of the time, and anyone who is a SAHP or a parent full stop know that this is not possible in normal day to day life.

I am sick of hearing her whine, she is constant and no amount of ignoring works, I have been ignoring the negative and rewarding the positive behavior for the last 18 months. DD2 has a will of bloody iron. It is constant whine, moan, whine, moan, whine, moan. My ears & head hurts from listening to her day in and day out. I get sick of the sound of my own voice. DD2 and I play, read books, go to the park, maybe watch some TV and try and have some quiet time where she learns to amuse herself for 10 minutes.
I struggle to get on with housework as she seems to want to be attached to me all the time. It's not a problem per say as DH does it when he gets in from work. The only way I can get on with tea is to either strap her in her buggy and try and not listen to her screaming or to wait for DH to get home.
On the other hand DD2 is such a loving child, I always get lots of kisses and cuddles from her and is such a kind little girl who makes me melt with love and affection.

DD1 is in typical 'teenagerish' mode at the age of 4. I am assured by all that it is perfectly normal. She argues, talks back, tells me I am horrid and she hates me. Tells me that she never gets anything from me and is generally not very nice the majority of the time to me.
I tell her that it is not very nice to say nasty things to people like that and ask her what she would like me to do for her and she can never give me an answer.

The DD's don't get majorly spoilt by DH & myself unless for a special occasion, but they have everything they need, some things that they want and a few other bits and bobs.

I don't know what to do I am at the end of my tether and it takes all my strength not to physically lash out at them. I have never hit my children and if I ever feel like I might I walk away every time. I do shout though and I have tried really hard to keep my voice and composure with them for months now, up until this afternoon.
I had to go and sit in the bathroom out of the way of DD2 because I felt like smacking her. She was safe in the room and I could still hear her.

I just don't understand how they are fine for EVERYONE else and not me, it is obviously me that is wrong or doing something wrong or simply just a shit mother who can do no right.
I feel like I don't deserve my girls, I feel like they would be better off if I walked away, I just don't have the guts because I am a selfish person.

I don't know what to do, GP is useless, DH is very black and white and doesn't understand although he does support me a lot, maybe too much.
I recently (within the last 3 months) finished some CBT and counselling. My OCD is under control and I am fighting my severe anxiety each day and it is so much better than it was. I thought I had dealt with my depression, maybe not.
Everything seems so black right now and I cant see a way out.

i have dd1 who is 11, ds and dd2 who are 16 months and dd3 who is a certain amount of weeks- but bugger me if i can keep track! shes somewhere between 2 and 3 months.

dd1 is at school but more trouble than the other 3 put together. she is currently grounded for the whole of jan, no internet, telly and has to do extra chores cos she set up a fb account, knowing she isnt allowed. she is constantly back chatting, cheeking and even screams at me. i try not to scream back- but fail often.
i spend all day saying the word no to the twins. they are constantly either turning the tv off or on- if i turn it off! they climb over the couch, on the dining room table, bite each other, slap each other, push each other and the tantrums have just begun this week. so you are not alone in struggling.
thankfully dd3 is an absolute dream (for now!)

Put it this way, dd1 is in the bath and the other 3 are in bed and im sat here on my second vodka and coke and its only wed!!!

my dp is in the navy and only gets back on fri afternoons and leaves on sun nights. so not much help there. i could take a picture of every single room in the house and you would laugh. yet im sat here with my feet up, tired and with no inclination and who cares? i need to cope the best way i can and this is it. if i need to leave the housework or have a drink i do, normally i just eat my own weight in chocolate but since jan1 im trying to be good!

i agree with the advice to start punishing the bad behaviour. i also think that your dd has to learn that you cant entertain her 100%. i did this with dd1 and she has no imagination to entertain herself.

i hope you manage to power through it or change things to help you deal with it soon.
look out for my posting when dd1 is 13, the twins are 3 and dd3 is 2 yrs old.
good luck. x

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, you sound like a very loving mum. It's just all getting a bit much for you right now.

Will you go back to your GP (well, a different one if you can as yours sounds appalling)? With ADs they can take up to four works to work at maximum effect, you may feel worse before you feel better and you should be monitored. There are lots of different ADs out there so it's a case of finding something that suits you.

Someone on here recommended a book called 1-2-3 magic, which is a parenting book that helps to stop unwanted behaviour in a calm way. I've downloaded it on my kindle and it has started to make a difference (if only because I'm not hearing my own nagging voice all day long).

Good luck.

i live by counting to 3. still working and ds is coming up for 5. i dread the day when it no longer works!

Thank you again everyone, I am feeling much more positive this morning. DD2 is at nursery, DD1 is being a dream and amusing herself.
I was at my GP's early this morning to collect my perscription for my new heart meds and I made an appointment with the lovely lady GP we have, I am seeing her next Tuesday.
I will be ringing my CBT/counseling lady once DD1 is at school this afternoon so I can get back on the waiting list, which luckily is only about 3-4 weeks here.

Sassy34264 IO am in awe of you and anyone who can do lone parenting when DH's are away. I am sure I would not cope. I need to learn to leave the housework when things get hard work with the girls I think. My house is by no means always clean and tidy but I do like a modicum of normality in it otherwise my head feels all over the place.
My OCD is more ritual based, borne of my anxiety, than it is cleaning based. I am sure that I am depressed again though, the not sleeping thing is a sure indicator I think.

I have been speaking to my enighjbour on FB this morning and she said as she is home 99% of the time that if I need anything to just ask her. That helps me knowing that there is someone next door that I can call upon when DH is at work and when MIL is at work. It is nice to have that 'safety net' even if I never use it IYSWIM.

The meds I have started are already making me feel horrid, dizzyness, chest pain and the like. I think I will have a coffee and cuddle up with DD1 for half an hour before the school madness starts.

Thank you everyone, I appreciate all of your kind words, advice and sympathy/empathy.

Just a thought - I know when my anxiety is really bad I find it helps to cut out the caffeine for a while - seems to really make it worse. Don't know about you?

I'm also trying 123 Magic - it's early days for me yet but so far I'm finding it helps me to stay calm in the face of whinging/tantrums and I feel far more in control of the situation if DS is trying it on!

Good luck with the GP/counsellor.

You are isolated and depressed, be kind to yourself.

Your child does this (whine, nag) because she senses you are withdrawn and not available, she is desperately trying to reach you.

It (depression) is such a horrid vicious circle. Sending you hugs and understanding. Please see another GP and ring your CBT counsellor. I really hope you are able to find a job/coffee group/something outside the house'n'kids soon.

I think you might have to rethink your "ignore the negative" stance. Reprimand her when she misbehaves. It's hardly rocket science. What you're doing now is obviously not working.

If your kids are good for other people then that's credit to you as their main carer. Don't forget that

It's a small point, but I agree that ignoring bad behaviour doens't work for some children. My dd1 used to just get worse and worse so that ignoring her banging my leg, or whining endlessly or doing dangerous things became ridiculous (but it's a parenting mantra, which is why I stuck with it). The best thing I did was take control of the situation, I developed a zero tolerance policy, where I calmly and firmly put her out of the room (e.g. on step or just out of the room) if she did something aggressive or not nice. For whining, just say 'I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you talk like that' and move away. It's ok to remove yourself entirely if you are at the end of your tether, as long as they are safe (e.g. go in the bathroom and have a silent scream). Ignoring doens't work with every child!

I do take the point that children often cling when you are more distant, but I wasn't distant and mine still clung a lot and it is wearing. YOu are doing a great job and it is completely normal for them to misbehave with you and not with others, you are their security, the one to try out behaviour on and also to be frustrated/whiney/anxious with, tiring for you but entirely normal.

All your plans to go back to docs etc sound sensible. This time will pass, it's such a hard time, but stick at it, they do grow up and out and away, this trapped at home stage is very short even if it feels a bit endless right now.

I have also been told about the 123 programme which is supposed to be excellent, I didn't use it myself, but I think it works with demanding/clingy children, so it might be worth checking that out as a possible solution, it won't stop them whining but might make you feel like you have a plan for dealing with it.