Does this make me a terrible person? (long!)

[sadsackbee]

Hi, I'm a bit nervous about posting this here but I really need some advice. I'm just going to put it all out there and see what people say. Apologies for the length.

I am in a relationship with a really wonderful man. We've been together for a year. He is incredibly kind, loving, intelligent, handsome - just wonderful. I've had a very happy year with him and we had been talking about moving in together.

However, I think I need to put the brakes on and walk away. I've been feeling like this since November and those feelings are only getting stronger. I have this huge panic in me over it all because I keep thinking 'us being together isn't right' but obviously it's a really hard choice to make because he does have so many wonderful qualities.

The reasons are:
He has depression. He sees a therapist but that's not helping and he's refusing to go on anti-depressants. It's gotten worse and worse over the year and it makes me sad. I have a pretty tough time day to day because of health issues and am quite isolated so when my health is bad he's the only person I see. I think that because he is often so down that makes me vulnerable - he's dragging me down too. I don't mind the depression if he gets help. But I don't want 30 more years with someone who is, essentially, really miserable but won't help himself. I'm actually a positive, happy person day to day and I'm not cut out for being with someone so chronically sad. I say that having had depression in the past, which incidentally I fought tooth and nail to recover from, and took every bit of help available.

He also refuses to wash his hair. He showers the rest of himself, but he hates having clean hair. This has been a battle since the beginning because I think it's a sign of basic self-respect and respect for others to be clean. It is disgusting. It might be part of his depression - he says it's not, but despite me saying how much I hate it he keeps promising to wash and then doesn't. I'm really ashamed of this part of him - he's met several people who are really close to me with obviously filthy hair. It's hardly every girl's childhood dream to end up with someone dirty.

A practical reason - he is miserable about his job. It's minimum wage and has bad hours and he wants to change and has two degrees and is a really intelligent, hard working man but he hasn't the confidence to go out and get another job or retrain. Just cannot do it. This wouldn't be an issue if he adored his job (it is something that is of huge benefit to society and I'm proud of him for doing it) but he doesn't, he's miserable in it and wants to change. Again I can't spend 30 years with someone who has so much potential but can't pick himself up and change his own life.What sort of example would that set to any dcs we might have? If he loved his job I wouldn't care because as I said I'm proud of what he does, but he doesn't love it anymore. He desperately wants to do something different that gives him purpose. But that isn't enough to propel him on to change things. I think part of the problem is he took masses of drugs in his twenties (to deal with feeling very sad and lonely). He's completely, 100% clean now and has been for years but he feels the drugs have killed all his joy and his motivation and his being able to decide what to do with himself. I wouldn't be surprised if they have. I am very anti-drugs so it's weird to have ended up with someone for whom they were a major part of his life, but I have tried not to judge that because he's clean now.

We've also just about stopped having sex for the last 2 months. We honestly had the most fulfilling, lovely sex life before and I was so happy. I felt so lucky to have such an amazing man. But, and here's why I'm scared I would be a terrible person if I left him, his dad has just been diagnosed with advanced cancer. And since then, he says he just can't bring himself to have sex because all his feelings for everything have switched off. I do have immense sympathy for him because I can imagine he feels appalling; he adores his dad and is devasted to have to think about losing him. But from my perspective this on top of everything else is too much. His dad might be ill for months, and then dp will have years of grieving - are we supposed to just not have sex for the next few years until he feels better? Sex is important to me and I'm not happy to give it up aged 31.

Is it an appalling thing to leave someone with depression, whose dad is dying and whose previous girlfriend left him because of his depression? I know he loves me and wants to move in with me and I don't want to break his heart and make him suicidal. That feels so heartless. But as I said I've been feeling despair for a couple of months (before his dad was diagnosed) and that isn't supposed to be how you feel one year into a relationship. Something that was so very happy has become tortuous with no sign of improving.

I really don't know how to walk away from someone who is so wonderful and who has made me so happy and who I love so much. But then I think of doing so and I feel so hugely relieved. My friends say we are made for eachother. We are such a good match. He has been beyond fabulous with my disability and I fear no one else would be willing to take me on. I'm scared I'll be alone forever. I'm scared dp will have a massive breakdown. I'm scared it will all be a huge mistake to leave because I'll have ruined what could have been so happy and because despite all the above he really is an incredible human being who deserves a break.

I'm just also so sad that it could have been so very good and I thought I'd met the man I wanted to marry and I was so unbelievably happy and it's all come to this.

I have told dp that I'm feeling like this, incidentally. He wants us to try for a year and see if he can get his act together. But I'm so sad and I don't want to be sad for another year. I want someone to wave a magic wand and have his dad's cancer go (for his sake), for him to decide what he wants to do with his life and enjoy it, and for him to start washing. But it's not going to happen. God knows what his future is if I leave him. But that is his responsibility, I know that.

Thank you so much if you've gotten this far. I've not told anyone all of the above before so it is kind of scary to write it all down.

It doesn't make you a selfish person, no. I feel very sad for you after reading this. You do what you have to do to ensure your own happiness. If this man isn't contributing to your happiness, then there comes a time when you have to ask yourself 'what is the point?'. Sounds like you have come to that time.

Good luck, and be happy. We only get one shot at this life, don't waste it.

You are not responsible for him, he is responsible for himself.
If he refuses to do the simple thing of wash his hair, then it seems unlikely he will take medication he needs or change his job.
It will obviously be hard to make the break with him, but you need to live your own life.
Having made the break he then is able to make the changes for himself you could possibly reconsider. But don't wait. You are important

You know what you want and need to do for yourself. And you are the only person you are accountable to.

I understand your feelings of guilt, but do what you need to do to let go of these: you are entitled to end a relationship that isn't working out for you.

Sadsack.Sorry my love but even though you've had perhaps a few good months out of the last year,it's not going to get any better.You sound lovely and caring.He doesn't.Better to end it now before he drains you completely.

Thank you all - so you don't think I'd be a terrible person if I left him? I keep thinking his lovely family and friends are going to think I'm a piece of shit.

I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon and having walked through the door I burst into tears. The doctor was fab and it all spilled out and she said she too thought it would be best if we have a break.

But I keep thinking of the man he was last year and how I don't want to lose that person and how painful it's going to be to do so. Also, what if no one else ever wants to take me on with my health issues? It's so scary.

I think I'm going to ask for us to have a break knowing that there is little chance of us getting back together, but hoping it will be the equivalent of lighting a fire under him and getting him to sort himself out a bit so we have a chance.

You are being perfectly fair.

There are too many issues to be resolved and if you want DCs then you would be better placed to end this relationship as soon as you can to give you a chance with someone who will make you happy.

It's not is it maras. That's what I need to realise. It's not going to improve. Otherwise it would have done already. With my previous relationship I had massive doubts but kept ignoring them for months and then wish I hadn't wasted that time and I don't want to do that again now.

But I can assure you he is lovely and caring - extremely so. He's just so very stuck in his deep depression.

Ok lets say you have a break rather than end the relationship and give him a couple of months to get some things sorted out, even if he does then there is absolutely no guarantee that it will stay that way.

Sorry but he in no way sounds like parent material at all and if you definitely want DCs I can't see any resolution which involves the two of you staying together.

I don't think you should try for another year.

What will you say at the end of a year when his father has died and he asks for another year to sort himself out? It won't be any easier to leave him when he has been bereaved than while his father is sick.

No you're quite right koda. It would be much, much harder to leave if his dad had just died or was just about to. At least now it's hopefully still a few months away.

Rookie more and more I don't think he is parent material even though he is fabulous with children and has a lot to offer if he sorts himself out. It's all based on ifs - he has the potential to be a wonderful father and husband/boyfriend and employee, but he's not there yet. I couldn't have dcs with someone who doesn't wash, who gives up when they're feeling down, who won't get help from the doctors from a medical issue and who can't feel joy because they abused drugs. He thinks having dcs would give him a reason to pull himself together and a purpose in life. I think he would feel strongly that he was letting his child down in the sense that he dearly wants to be doing more and to do something worthwhile, and he'd get even more depressed. Plus I think the daily grind and exhaustion would make his depression worse.

It's just such a bloody waste - of his life and of our relationship.

I don't think you're a terrible person for wanting to leave.

You would be taking an enormous gamble staying with this guy. Really. This is meant to be the honeymoon period... if things are making you this unhappy in the first year, I don't think it's logical to hope they'll improve from there.

He:

1. Is clinically depressed, with substance abuse issues in the past. But refuses medication.
2. Has self-care issues. Which you have spoken to him about. And he still hasn't addressed them, or asked for help in addressing them.
3. Hates his job but can't find it within himself to retrain.
4. Has lost his feelings to the point where he won't have sex with you anymore. (This is a symptom of profound depression, btw.)
5. Makes YOU feel depressed, stressed and trapped.

...these are enormous problems. Like, huge big life-ruining problems. #1 alone would be ample reason for you end things, never mind the rest.

If he was accepting medication and making strides of some kind, I would answer this question completely differently. But he sounds like he's spiralling, and he doesn't want help.

Supporting someone like that WILL make you depressed yourself, no doubt about it.

God no, he wants you and potential children to cure him. It won't work. He wants a magic wand instead of doing the hard work himself. I know it's not easy to cope with or dig yourself out of depression, but only he can turn himself around.

Please don't continue this relationship. Have a break,whatever. And I am going to sound like a monster but his father's illness is going to put a huge strain on your already floundering relationship. I think he's likely to get more depressed and probably become very difficult for you to support.

You may be able to develop a friendship and be able to support him a little as a friend. He may take a good long look at himself once you step away and make changes. But you need to do what is right for you and step away from this.

Children do not cure depression. Children, whilst marvellous magnify every single little issue within a relationship to a monstrous proportion. This guy cannot look after himself, he would not be able to be an adequate husband or father.
I have been in a relationship with someone who developed mental health problems. I had to walk away - although it bit deeply into my perception of myself as a "nice" person, I knew that I could not have the future I desired with him so it had to be done. A few years later I met lovely DH through internet dating, then we had DS, your life will move on, you will meet someone else when you are ready, but not if you keep yourself in limbo with this relationship.

Just read the thread op and feel very sad for you. The fact you have fought depression yourself you know its got to be from within you to make changes and as you also know there is masses of help out there for people who want it.

I think a break would be a good idea as if it ends up being permanent it is a kinder way if you are worried what people might think.

Drugs really are the scourge of society.

Good luck op x

What if it were you that was being left, what if he said he does not want to deal with your disability any more, or that since you have a disability he cannot see you having a long happy life. I say this as I do get a bit shocked by all and sundry jumping in and saying leave. Ok so leave but consequences flow from that too, and yes you are responsible for those.

Walk away now fast as you can

If he were really working on his depression and you left him, that might be a bit unkind. But he can't even be bothered to wash his hair? . It's generous of you to stay in the same room.

Notthefullshilling no, she's not responsible for the emotional consequences to her ex. You can't hold yourself responsible for the wellness and happiness of someone else. It just doesn't work like that.

This guy COULD go and take responsibility for his own happiness by getting treatment, but he chooses not to. That is not the OP's fault and she can't control it.

In fact, the longer she hangs around trying to console him, the less chance there is that he'll ever take responsibility. And until he does, he's doomed.

Hang on, Notthefull, she's only known him for a year, of which she's spent several months wanting to leave. And yet suddenly she has to spend the rest of her life with him or be responsible for everything that happens if she doesn't?

It would be different if this were a long term relationship in which new problems have recently emerged. But the fact is that the relationship has lasted just long enough for the OP to realise that all the promises he makes about what he's going to do, and what's going to change, are just empty words.

Notthefull - he has to take responsibility too. The OP is taking responsibility - for her life. She isn't stamping over him, she's concerned and worried but she cannot stay with someone out of pity or cos' she scared what they will do.

I do love how exaggeration is used as ma substitute for logic. Where did I say she was now bound at the hip to this person till death do her part?

And contrary to popular belief it is the case that someone who is having sever mental health episode may not be the most logical of people and indeed will need lots of TLC and space. Now it appears that this woman feels she cannot offer this and so yes she should leave. If though she leaves and then this guy gets worse, or becomes more unstable, or indeed takes his own life, the advice for her to just walk away is also the advice that she will find haunting her for the rest of her life. There are no guilt free actions, for every action a reaction comes, her happiness well being is his pain and dispar. The best anyone can do is to mitigate the negatives, to use the language of the greens, be emotionally neutral. Leave by all means but in a manner that allows him hope and dignity not just a bleak wall of loneliness, as most but not all posters on her suggested. Unlike other men this guy has done nothing wrong he is ill and so as a human has done nothing to warrant being just walked away from.

All break-ups are painful. You are being very literal if you truly think posters are advising the OP to just walk away in a nasty way or kick him to the floor, but for her own mental health, she needs to protect herself and end this relationship.

I've also felt so sad for you reading this.

Taking a break seems like a good idea. It would give you time to get your spirit back and would give him chance to see if he can change.

The only problem is that without making a clean break, it's so difficult to move on.

Does he have any close friends?

I am reflecting what some of the advice says, "not parent material", "Walk away now as fast as you can".

I agree Kodachrome all break ups do have emotional pain involved, and most effect those involved for a long time probably forever. We are after all beings that act partly through our past experiences. I have already said that I agree if this woman is not able to be the person he wants or needs, or that he is not the person she wants or needs then better to end it. One of my main motivations for saying anything though is the amount of times I have seen people advised to "cut & run" from relationships on MN. I am not religious nor am I conservative but I have learned in my own relationship that patience, and compromise, with a healthy dollop of selflessness goes a long way to working out issues.