Does this make me a terrible person? (long!)

[sadsackbee]

Hi, I'm a bit nervous about posting this here but I really need some advice. I'm just going to put it all out there and see what people say. Apologies for the length.

I am in a relationship with a really wonderful man. We've been together for a year. He is incredibly kind, loving, intelligent, handsome - just wonderful. I've had a very happy year with him and we had been talking about moving in together.

However, I think I need to put the brakes on and walk away. I've been feeling like this since November and those feelings are only getting stronger. I have this huge panic in me over it all because I keep thinking 'us being together isn't right' but obviously it's a really hard choice to make because he does have so many wonderful qualities.

The reasons are:
He has depression. He sees a therapist but that's not helping and he's refusing to go on anti-depressants. It's gotten worse and worse over the year and it makes me sad. I have a pretty tough time day to day because of health issues and am quite isolated so when my health is bad he's the only person I see. I think that because he is often so down that makes me vulnerable - he's dragging me down too. I don't mind the depression if he gets help. But I don't want 30 more years with someone who is, essentially, really miserable but won't help himself. I'm actually a positive, happy person day to day and I'm not cut out for being with someone so chronically sad. I say that having had depression in the past, which incidentally I fought tooth and nail to recover from, and took every bit of help available.

He also refuses to wash his hair. He showers the rest of himself, but he hates having clean hair. This has been a battle since the beginning because I think it's a sign of basic self-respect and respect for others to be clean. It is disgusting. It might be part of his depression - he says it's not, but despite me saying how much I hate it he keeps promising to wash and then doesn't. I'm really ashamed of this part of him - he's met several people who are really close to me with obviously filthy hair. It's hardly every girl's childhood dream to end up with someone dirty.

A practical reason - he is miserable about his job. It's minimum wage and has bad hours and he wants to change and has two degrees and is a really intelligent, hard working man but he hasn't the confidence to go out and get another job or retrain. Just cannot do it. This wouldn't be an issue if he adored his job (it is something that is of huge benefit to society and I'm proud of him for doing it) but he doesn't, he's miserable in it and wants to change. Again I can't spend 30 years with someone who has so much potential but can't pick himself up and change his own life.What sort of example would that set to any dcs we might have? If he loved his job I wouldn't care because as I said I'm proud of what he does, but he doesn't love it anymore. He desperately wants to do something different that gives him purpose. But that isn't enough to propel him on to change things. I think part of the problem is he took masses of drugs in his twenties (to deal with feeling very sad and lonely). He's completely, 100% clean now and has been for years but he feels the drugs have killed all his joy and his motivation and his being able to decide what to do with himself. I wouldn't be surprised if they have. I am very anti-drugs so it's weird to have ended up with someone for whom they were a major part of his life, but I have tried not to judge that because he's clean now.

We've also just about stopped having sex for the last 2 months. We honestly had the most fulfilling, lovely sex life before and I was so happy. I felt so lucky to have such an amazing man. But, and here's why I'm scared I would be a terrible person if I left him, his dad has just been diagnosed with advanced cancer. And since then, he says he just can't bring himself to have sex because all his feelings for everything have switched off. I do have immense sympathy for him because I can imagine he feels appalling; he adores his dad and is devasted to have to think about losing him. But from my perspective this on top of everything else is too much. His dad might be ill for months, and then dp will have years of grieving - are we supposed to just not have sex for the next few years until he feels better? Sex is important to me and I'm not happy to give it up aged 31.

Is it an appalling thing to leave someone with depression, whose dad is dying and whose previous girlfriend left him because of his depression? I know he loves me and wants to move in with me and I don't want to break his heart and make him suicidal. That feels so heartless. But as I said I've been feeling despair for a couple of months (before his dad was diagnosed) and that isn't supposed to be how you feel one year into a relationship. Something that was so very happy has become tortuous with no sign of improving.

I really don't know how to walk away from someone who is so wonderful and who has made me so happy and who I love so much. But then I think of doing so and I feel so hugely relieved. My friends say we are made for eachother. We are such a good match. He has been beyond fabulous with my disability and I fear no one else would be willing to take me on. I'm scared I'll be alone forever. I'm scared dp will have a massive breakdown. I'm scared it will all be a huge mistake to leave because I'll have ruined what could have been so happy and because despite all the above he really is an incredible human being who deserves a break.

I'm just also so sad that it could have been so very good and I thought I'd met the man I wanted to marry and I was so unbelievably happy and it's all come to this.

I have told dp that I'm feeling like this, incidentally. He wants us to try for a year and see if he can get his act together. But I'm so sad and I don't want to be sad for another year. I want someone to wave a magic wand and have his dad's cancer go (for his sake), for him to decide what he wants to do with his life and enjoy it, and for him to start washing. But it's not going to happen. God knows what his future is if I leave him. But that is his responsibility, I know that.

Thank you so much if you've gotten this far. I've not told anyone all of the above before so it is kind of scary to write it all down.

You did say that if she left him then any consequences would be her responsibility. Will that not be the case another year into the relationship, then? Or another five years into the relationship? Or at any point into the future? Unless you meant only that if she leaves him right now any consequences will be her responsibility (which seems unlikely, given that his mental illness is of long standing and shows no sign of improving or abating) then yes, the implication of your statement is that she has to stay forever or the consequences that flow from leaving will be her responsibility.

And if she leaves him and he becomes more unstable, or takes his own life, she is not responsible. She will probably feel guilty, yes, but she is not responsible. By the sound of the OP he's never found a girlfriend who can actually deal with his issues for any significant period of time -- pinning responsibility on this one is deeply unfair.

You need that from both sides. Asking someone to hold on for a year while you won't accept medication or even wash your hair and suggest children are the motivation you need to change, isn't on.

I speak as someone that has depression. I can be a massive pain in the arse, lack motivation, totally hate my job but can't change it, don't always wash (this makes me feel :( to type that, but I just CAN'T some days). So I can understand where he's coming from (I know you say you had depression too but since you had the motivation to fight, maybe it's not really the same as his depression - not to minimise your experience, but some people just can't fight it, I think.)

But if you don't want to be with him, you don't want to be with him. If my partner left, of course I'd be devastated. But I would understand. Depression is horrible to live with: it's horrible for me, and I'm sure it's horrible for him too sometimes.

It seems like you've spoken through some of your issues and found no resolution. Of course it would be hard, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

How sad, but you have to realise that although he made enough progress to court and win you, since then he has taken a move backwards in his self esteem.
This has been despite having your support and therefore you have actually not helped him as much as you would have liked. This is despite your best efforts.
How much worse it will be for him to see your self esteem deteriorate as well as his own?

I think it would be best for him if you do leave him for the time being, on the understanding that you can remain friends. If you leave it any longer even this may not be possible and you don't want to end up resenting each other.

I wish you both all the best, but it falls to you to make a decision for you both for a realistic future.

Thank you for all your comments. I think they are all very fair.

As far as responsibility goes, having had depression myself I would say that the responsibility ultimately does lie with the sufferer. Dp has had depression all the while I've known him and for all that time I've supported him and encouraged him and tried to make suggestions of things he could do to help himself, based on my own experiences, but ultimately it's his choice to pursue those things if he wants to. He's not been so horrendously bad that he couldn't even take a first step to get help. I would have different, hugely reduced, expectations of him if it were much more serious.

Someone said did he have friends - he has a few really close friends, luckily, and I know they're a great support. My problem for the last two months with his depression has been that actually he has had lots and lots of good times. And those good times have been fabulous. I think his depression is very linked with him having no sense of purpose, ifswim. He functions very well for someone affected by it; he goes to work (and puts his all in), volunteers, goes out with friends, wants to go out and do fun things with me when he has time off. That has made it all the harder to think about walking away because it's not like he's in a fog and can't do anything. It has admittedly gotten worse since his dad's diagnosis though.

I was all set to sit down with him last night and say we needed a break. Then he came home in a really great mood - the best he's been in for so long. He asked me to go with the cinema with him and he said he's signed up for painting classes and feels really enthusiastic about them, and he got up this morning and washed his hair without a single comment from me. I was very . I'm not an idiot in that I think it's probably temporary, but it did take me aback and remind me just how wonderful my life could be with him if he was always like that. He said at the end of the evening what a lovely time he'd had with me and how very much he loved me and I had to take a big gulp of air. I so desperately don't want to break his heart and I also so desperately want a life with him if he could just tackle his issues head on. I don't think it's going to happen. I see that now. I just want to see how he goes over the next month and see if this lasts.

I am being realistic though. I'm not going to wait and wait and wait for months and let it drag on if it's clear he can't tackle things. It's just, take away all the crap, and he's the most wonderful man I know and have ever known. But maybe that's the point, there is no taking away the bad bits. They are part of him.

Does this all sound stupid? I don't mind honest answers. I know relationship break ups are a part of life and everyone goes through them and I would get over it. It doesn't stop me wanting so much to be with him. I love him as much as it's possible to love someone after just a year of knowing them.

Ok I now need to go off and have a sob

I think I mean 'my problem for the last year' and not 2 months in the second paragraph.

I have rung and booked a counselling session for next week so I can talk this all through in person, which I think would do me a lot of good.

Will let you know how I get on.

ssb - I've also had depression, still do really but it's much better.

I sound a bit like your DP in how it affects him. However, I can't see any justification for refusing to take help on offer, eg trying ADs or counselling. I can't imagine a world in which I would fail to wash my hair if my partner had expressed dislike/embarrassment/repulsion/whatever. I don't see my own needs as more important than my partners, even when quite low. I'll neglect things that affect only me (or I think they do at the time) iyswim.

I guess you just need to be very clear with him that for you to make a go of it, he has to make every effort in his power to deal with it. It sounds a bit like he doesn't have a clue how close to leaving you are, and for that I feel a bit sorry for him. No doubt you have in fact told him but, for whatever reason, he has not been listening. I guess you need to be a bit more specific - perhaps he should know that you're giving it a month to see how he does (you don't need to put it quite like that).

Another thing that I'm not sure anyone has pointed out is that you have only been with him for a year. Even with depression, being in a new and lovely relationship really buoyed me up and gave me lots of joy. In a way, the honeymoon period can mask the true extent of the problem. In your case, that is a bit of a bummer - what if he is sliding down to an even lower place than you are expecting?

Sorry, I'm rambling but I do think, in fairness, you need to be very clear with him if you are giving him a chance before walking away.

Oh and the sex thing - I absolutely would not think it acceptable just to say no not happening, for 2 months with no potential change in sight.

Again, I would be looking for ways to solve the problem, talking with my partner about what we could do. Visiting the GP for advice etc.

Thank you schobe. You make a good point about him maybe being buoyed up by the new relationship and how it could be masking the reality.

I just had a very interesting phone call with my mum. My family have always said how much they like him but when I said I was having major doubts my mum admitted they'd been talking a lot recently about wanting more for me - i.e someone clean, someone who has a bit more ambition, someone who isn't depressed ( because I was so very depressed for so long and then have been happy for the last few years so they don't want me to be dragged back down to where I was. I've fought so hard to be free of that.)

I always think that says a lot if your family isn't happy with the person you're seeing. And I felt sad but also hugely relieved that that was what she was expressing to me, in a way.

It seems very clear to me that leaving him would bring short term pain (and lots of it) but that long term I'd be massively relieved and have a chance to find someone else and be happy, whereas if I stay; in the short term I could be happy, but long term I'd get more and more sad and desperate and resentful and wish I'd had the courage to make the break.

I hate this, I hate it, I hate it. I wish with all my heart he could sort himself out just like that.

Yes I think it sounds like the reality is that you are at the end of the road.

Honesty and not dragging it out are all you can really do to lessen the impact, if you are going to leave.

There's a danger that 'giving him a chance' is really just not having the guts to do what you think is right. And the time will never be right to leave really - sounds like in your situ the timing will just be worse in the future, not better.

Try not to feel like a monster. Everybody has the right not to be with someone if it doesn't feel right to them without having to justify themselves over and over. I have been dumped several times once or twice and I know my depression was part of the problem. I was gutted but can see now that the other person couldn't have really made it less painful. I actually got over it quicker where they were as honest as possible (in a kind way) and there was little or no contact afterwards, ie they did not pander to any begging from me to talk on the phone or meet up more than once or twice.

Notthefull - it's about self-preservation here.

Only a professional can deal with someone like this, and if he doesn't even want to take the first step... (horse and water comes to mind).

You owe it to yourself and your -evt. - child(ren) to step out of a situation that not only has serious consequences but cannot dream of ever being able to "turn around" (speaking from experience here of psychiatric problems with ex.), hard as it is to do....

OP, I wish you all the best.

I just wanted to write an update as I've now had a session with a counsellor.

Sadly, it didn't go well. I've seen a few in my time and she was absolutely awful. She managed to spend about half the session talking about how she would feel if she was me, and spent the other half trying to get me talking about my family and grievances I had with them. If I attempted to get her back onto the issue of my relationship with my dp she said 'no no you mustn't be afraid to be angry with your family, lets embrace your anger.' Um, I'm not angry with them, thank you! She was utterly incompetent.

So I came out feeling even more confused and full of feelings. I am looking for someone else as I still need to talk this all through. The one thing of use that this counsellor said was not to rush into a decision if I still loved dp because there is lots of time. I think she's right in some ways. Dp has for the last week been washing his hair, and he finally agreed he would go to the gp about anti-depressants. We had a really long heart to heart where I said I needed to probably leave and he admitted he probably wasn't able to be in a relationship right now but we kind of left it saying we both love eachother so much and that it's just worth watching things for a bit to see if there is change.

It does still all seem to be coming back to the fact that I don't want a lifetime with someone with depression having got away from it - I do think that is going to be the thing that wins. Anyway, I'm going away early next week, as is he through work so we will have a few weeks apart and I will have a huge long think then (plus hopefully another session or two with a better counsellor). There are so many pros and cons to both staying and leaving and it's so hard to make a final decision.

The problem I found, living with a husband who suffered from depression, was that I felt like it sucked the life out of me. When he'd become better, through medication, it would take me ages to recover - he couldn't understand that. I felt guilty for not being depressed and yet found it incredibly depressing to be with someone who saw no point in being alive.

I think that it's impossible to have a loving relationship with someone who is depressed and won't seek help. There is literally nothing you can do for them; they have to have that desire to stop the depression themselves.

I don't think you should have a child with this man, not because of his depression, but because everything seems to be about him. He won't seek help and he makes you suffer alongside him.

Maybe you can be a better friend to him living apart. You could see him regularly and yet have your own life. You need that and deserve it. He does, too, but won't do anything to make sure he has it.

I'm with the poster who thinks that when you were first with him, it was a blip and you thought that was the reality and this depression is not. When you said it would take him years to get over his dad dying, my heart sank for you.

Oh and report the counsellor.