Husband is having a midlife crisis - what can I do?

[herzog]

My husband freely admits that he thinks he is having a midlife crisis. Although he is only mid 30s he has lost quite a lot of hair and is sensitive about his receding hairline, and other physical signs of ageing. He had an affair towards the end of last year with a work colleague - I believe him when he says that they are no longer sleeping together but they have to work together so it is not feasible to expect him to stop seeing her. She is married but emailled him over Christmas to say she is getting a divorce. He says that he wants to see if we can work things out and phoned the local marriage guidance counselling service so we are now on a waiting list for an initial appointment. He says that he had an affair because it was exciting and because our relationship had got too comfortable and that he currently doesn't feel any desire to be physically intimate with me although he says I'm his best friend and that we have fun doing stuff together.
I admit that our relationship had got comfortable and that we weren't prioritising each other as much as we should. We have a four year old daughter who we love, we both enjoy our jobs and we both separately enjoy lots of activities outside of working hours. Until recently we didn't socialise very much together as we didn't have a babysitter (since family moved closer we have all the help we need whenever we need it).
I thought that one of the ideals of marriage was to happily grow old together and that although looks, excitement, etc would diminish having your partner as a best friend was one of the joys. The news that he doesn't feel the same way has completely shattered my feeling of security.
What can I do to help turn this situation around?

I think you are a bit young to be thinking of marriage as "happily growing old together" and you need to snap out of it! You are both young and can still do many things. What did you enjoy doing together before you had your DD?

How is he making amends to you wrt his affair and working to regain your trust?

He sounds like a selfish, self obsessed immature tosser. He'd have to do all the running for me to remotely care about him.

So sorry to hear about your H's affair.

There are lots of affairs recovery threads on here - but basically he needs to be working hard to win you back, be prepared to do lots of talking, be open and honest etc.

I would recommend getting Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass - she has a website if you want to google her and Beyond Affairs is another another good website.

Take care

Jeez, if he's like this mid-30's what's he going to be like when he hits 40, and 45, and 50 etc?

There's always a temptation to 'stay together for the sake of the dc', but take your dd out of the equation and ask yourself whether whether you need him in your life?

If he doesn't enhance the quality of your life in numerous immeasurable ways to the extent that your world would be poorer without him in it, I suggest you think twice about the advisability of wasting valuable years of your time until he has another 'crisis'.

As for his encroaching baldness, if you decide to continue your marriage tell him to shave his head - and tell him to grow one side long and adopt the comb over look if you cut him loose

Thanks for your comments and thanks izzywhizzystwelfthnight for a much needed laugh regarding growing a comb over!

We have made a start on talking but he says he has a lot of thinking to do too and that's frustrating for me. Hopefully the marriage guidance counselling will help with the talking and particularly with how we can work on regaining trust. I was pleasantly surprised that when this all blew up again between Christmas and New Year (I found out about the affair in October but had thought that we had been working things out until we got the news about the affairee's divorce) that he decided that he needed to talk to somebody outside of the relationship (I had suggested marriage guidance in October but he had rejected the suggestion then) he chose his parents and they seem to be the ones that convinced him to seek marriage guidance counselling. They are still the only people that know and are being very supportive.

Bonsoir - we used to enjoy playing board games like Scrabble, Yahzee & Carcassonne and over Christmas we played quite a lot of family games (rather than mind-numbing-for-adults-pre-schooler games) with dd which was nice. We also used to go out for dinner or the cinema and that's something it would be nice to do more of now we have babysitters on hand.

It seems to me that you've got a lot of thinking to do too, honey, because it appears that he's into charades and if that's the case it's you that'll go by the board.

Start by thinking around 'who is this man?' and follow through to 'do i love the man I thought he was' and 'can I love the man he is now?

As far as 'trust' goes he's blown it out of the water, and if he wants to continue his self-obsessed navel gazing make sure he doesn't do it on your time.

Bloody hell, herzog, you're far too good for him.

As well as the comb-over I recommend a ridiculous sports car, leather jacket and too-tight faded jeans.

Would those be purple jeans, tall, as I think you'll find that wisey's ex has a monopoly on them

You sound so calm! How do you it?

Hmmm. There was an article by a psychiatrist: 'Midlife Crisis, or Straightforward Narcissism?'

Having lived with an arsehole behaving like yours, for a bit longer than October last year, I am opting for the latter.

I mean how SELF-ABSORBED can you get? He's bored? He wants excitement? He doesn't know what he wants?

Who do these people think they are? Special?

he currently doesn't feel any desire to be physically intimate with me although he says I'm his best friend And the OW is getting a divorce?

In the absence of any remorse, apology, or regret, on his part I think you'll find that he's already made plans to leave and seeking marriage guidance counselling is merely a ruse that will enable him to convince his parents and others that he 'tried everything' before filing for divorce.

More pertinently, if you take the bait he'll be able to spin out a stay in the marital home until he and the OW have found somewhere to live together - at which point he'll be off without a backward glance.

Tell him that he needs to do his 'thinking' elsewhere and book yourself a free half hour consultation with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law.

Hmm

He had an affair
He's having a mid life crisis
He doesn't feel any desire

But likes you as a friend?

Blimey OP, time to kick him in the bollox right into touch me thinks.

Go to councilling on your own first for YOU.
Take time to decide what YOU want.
Go to a solicitor and find out where you stand.

He sounds like a bloody total selfish git.

Agree with Izzy. I don't think the affair ever ended, but if it did it has resumed now. I think the counselling is just a ruse to put you off the scent and to claim to you and his parents that 'he tried everything but it was hopeless'. I also think all this guff about your relationship being the problem is just that - guff. I think his affair is the problem. Sorry!

Surely it's his dick that's the problem, Charbon? Wonder if he's got receding hair there too, or maybe first signs of grey?

No, because affairs are not always about sex, but about oneself and the ego boosts they produce, especially for people who doubt their continuing physical attractiveness.

Herzog I don't think you sound calm, I think you sound passive.

He had an affair, pretty much most wives would be angry about that rather than taking on most of the blame.

Izzywhizzy gives sound advice but if you can't bring yourself to that step at this stage then by all means try counselling, but meanwhile I would strongly suggest that you gather up financial evidence - copy payslips, bank accounts etc without letting your H know what you are doing.

I would also suggest that you start prioritising yourself. Go away for a weekend or two with friends so H can see how it feels to look after DD for a full weekend. Stop doing stuff for him, make meals that you and DD enjoy rather than him. Insist on him doing his fair share of housework and drudge chores if you don't already.

My hubby is chubby and baldy and about to turn 40 and hit me with all the I.love you but not in love with you.. don't know what I want .. don't feel a connection .. not looking for anyone else. That is because he already had someone else on the go!! A married girl just turned 30

He agreed to counselling and actually asked how we could continue after the free sessions i got from work!!! All the time while guarding phone with his life. If your gut tells you he's uptown no good..trust it! I let him persuade me my gut was wrong and it was vanguard object!!

Sorry predictive text. he persuaded me my gut was wrong and it was bang on all the time!

Sorry OP - I agree with the others who've said he's at it again and is just laying the foundations for a walk away in the near future. Sounds like he's doing all that to convince himself he's not the bad guy. If I were you, and having read what the knowledgeable people here have written I'd scunner the twat and leave first!

@rookiemater.. I went away with friends for the weekend and he concocted work night out and had DD go to his mum overnight!

He wants his cake, he wants to eat it and he wants to lick the plate.

Which is: lovely little Miss Feelgood Fantasy and her Admiration, and then you at home keeping everything going.

That way, he gets to keep everything. No disruption, no paying out, no having to solve any problems, everyone at arms length dancing to him.

Where are you in all of this?

There is a horrible joke. Q: what is the skin around a vagina called? A: a woman.

That joke is so hurtful. Are we that irrelevant, interchangeable, replaceable, objectified?

OP it's all he says this, he did this, he wants this, he, he, he. you are barely evident in your own account of what's happened and is going on - all the focus is on him in your narrative and in the reality of the situation by the sounds of it.

where are you in all of this? what do you think/want/do etc? you are important you know? you can't just be a passive pawn in his life story - this is your life he is writing on.

would love to hear more about you and your thoughts on it all.

there is also a total absence of emotion in what you write when in reality all this must be incredibly hurtful.

what can you do?? ...Dump him, dump him like radioactive waste and preferably under several metres of concrete

It's been said already, he "thinks" he'd like to give your marriage another go, but still has the other woman on the starting blocks getting her divorce, do you enjoy playing second fiddle to her?

He loves you being at home, do you enjoy being a maid/housekeeper?

He has a lot of thinking to do, are you enjoying the wait while he decides the fate of your family without your input?

Wake up and take charge of your life! This man is not your best friend, not any more.