Husband is having a midlife crisis - what can I do?

[herzog]

My husband freely admits that he thinks he is having a midlife crisis. Although he is only mid 30s he has lost quite a lot of hair and is sensitive about his receding hairline, and other physical signs of ageing. He had an affair towards the end of last year with a work colleague - I believe him when he says that they are no longer sleeping together but they have to work together so it is not feasible to expect him to stop seeing her. She is married but emailled him over Christmas to say she is getting a divorce. He says that he wants to see if we can work things out and phoned the local marriage guidance counselling service so we are now on a waiting list for an initial appointment. He says that he had an affair because it was exciting and because our relationship had got too comfortable and that he currently doesn't feel any desire to be physically intimate with me although he says I'm his best friend and that we have fun doing stuff together.
I admit that our relationship had got comfortable and that we weren't prioritising each other as much as we should. We have a four year old daughter who we love, we both enjoy our jobs and we both separately enjoy lots of activities outside of working hours. Until recently we didn't socialise very much together as we didn't have a babysitter (since family moved closer we have all the help we need whenever we need it).
I thought that one of the ideals of marriage was to happily grow old together and that although looks, excitement, etc would diminish having your partner as a best friend was one of the joys. The news that he doesn't feel the same way has completely shattered my feeling of security.
What can I do to help turn this situation around?

Ask him to leave to give you space to work out whether he's worth having back or not. He needs to know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and he has no right to treat you like this. Let him see what it's like to be alone .
Be proactive and take control of your (and DD's ) future.

Thanks again for all your comments. We had a long talk last night (and I can assure you that I am not passive, I am hurting lots and broke down in tears several times) but he still doesn't seem to have resolved how he feels and what he wants. I told him he was being selfish and immature and he looked shocked then went into a sulk and wouldn't talk to me for a while (evidence if you need any that he is immature). I have suggested that he seek counselling/help for issues that he admits to which are impacting on how he feels about his life in general (although he loves his job he also finds it stressful and is not good at managing stress) but he is reluctant which I find difficult to understand when it was him you contacted the marraige guidance people. He says he doesn't feel in control of his life and gives all kinds of examples like that I look after all the paperwork for the house, cars, etc and that he wants more input in choosing plants for the garden (! - I'd be more than happy for him to be involved in choosing plants and doing things in the garden but he's rarely shown an interest before).

For my part, I do love him, my heart does still lift when I see his car pull up outside the house, I do believe we have a connection and although I know that dd is not a good enough reason alone to stay together (he is an excellent father and as a family/household we work really well) I do believe it is a valid reason to try to save a marriage. I firmly believe that the main problem is with him rather than us but can't see how to make him see sense(!). Maybe asking him to move out would help him to understand that he needs to get on with making his decision but that would also affect dd...

only he can sort this - you can't 'make' him see anything. he is being selfish and immature and only he can choose whether to challenge that and sort himself out to be fair on you all or whether to go with it and indulge.

i think maybe telling him that if he feels this is going to take him a while to sort out and he really doesn't know what he wants then he should consider moving out as it is not fair on you to live in limbo would be a good idea. let that sink in, let him think about it. see what he says. that's not telling him you have to move out but putting reality in front of him and asking him to consider what he thinks of that reality. in the end how long could you live like this? it isn't fair on you.

Herzog it's got nothing to do with the things he says - really it hasn't. If he feels out of control, it's because he is leading a double-life and is finding that quite stressful. He won't go for counselling because he knows what the problem is - he is having an affair and he doesn't want anyone asking difficult or uncomfortable questions about it and spoiling the little fantasy he and OW have created. Blaming you for being ultra-competent and the plants is absolutely typical 'scraping of the barrel' criticisms when someone has an affair. He knows that realistically he can't re-write the history of your relationship too much, because none of it will ring true, so he's chosen to criticise you for your strengths and re-packaged them as faults.

I would strongly advise you to find out for definite about what I'm sure is an ongoing relationship with this woman. Once you find the truth, it might just burst this ridiculous bubble he's in and you can start making proper decisions. I actually think if you kick him out now, he will use the opportunity to continue the affair and some time later, pretend that once they were both separated, they agreed to see how their relationship would fare. I think kicking him out is what he wants you to do.

What he doesn't want you to do is to have all the facts. He is manipulating you - please see that.

It's a matter for you whether you want to stay with someone who will do this to you, but if you want to stay in this marriage then you are going to have to fight with more weapons than this. Go to work on getting the truth and you might find that you get what you want - or need - in the end.

Its not looking good sorry - he is putting the blame on you, expecting you to take all that crap, not taking responsibility for his actions and refusing to listen/see your point of view.

As long as you are there for him, you are enabling this behaviour - as Santa says, you cannot make him change, only he can do this himself and he does not seem to want to do it -why should he when he has the best of both worlds?

Yes, I want him to make a decision for himself and I do think that if I kicked him out he would use that as justification to go off with the other woman. But that might be him then taking the easy option which might not be the best option. I really don't know.

It might be worth setting a deadline after which if he hasn't decided what he wants he needs to leave which might focus him but I also don't want to make any final decisions until we've seen the marriage guidance counsellor and we are still waiting for an appointment.

In the meantime I would do some digging around - laptop, mobile (check for second mobiles hidden in workbag/car) etc.

No.

That won't work. Going to marriage guidance (is this Relate?) is pointless because he is lying to you. He will lie to a counsellor too. They don't have lie detectors and many Relate counsellors aren't nearly as curious as they should be.

Setting a deadline won't work either. If it suits him and the OW gets herself set up in her house, he will leave before it and if she doesn't, he will try to extend it by dropping you a few crumbs of hope until she's ready.

You have got to start snooping. I can't be any more blunt than that.

You are being lied to.

You must arm yourself with all the information so that you are not passing all the decisions over to him. His respect for you will be even less than it is now if you are passive and wait and see.

Have been there and it is awful. I sympathise.

Consult a solicitor then do yourself a favour and suggest he moves out whilst he does his thinking. When he moves straight in with the OW you will have all the answers you need.

As for soulmates. I thought my XH was there forever. But after 3yrs of this kind of crap and serial affairs I finally gave up. I now have a new DP, who I expect will still be holding my hand when I am 80.

If you didnt have your H, you will probably meet someone nicer.

Just send him off to the OW

She is welcome to him, surely ?

What a completely inadequate man he sounds, and you sound like you have worshipped him in error

Oh herzog. I have been in this situation (the OW was actually my best friend - needless to say isn't any longer )

Your H is playing with you, biding his time and I agree with everyone, is probably still carrying on the affair but it will look good on him when he can honestly say to everyone that knows him/you, but I tried everything to make it work!! Yes he will go to see a counsellor and yes he will lie through his teeth.

I'm sorry hunni but put your DD and yourself first. If he does truly want you, he will fight tooth and nail to be with you and not need to have "time" to sort himself out. Mid 30's is very young for a mid-life crisis - he needs to grow a pair and be a man about his life.

tosser idiot

He is a silly, silly, little man.
Show him this thread and ask him to grow up please.

A fucker certainly, but I dont think this one's necessarily silly Clara.

The majority of divorces in the UK these days are on the grounds of 'irreconcible differences'; no blame, no shame, end of.

BUT there remains provision within divorce law for an aggrieved spouse to cite any party complicit in an adulterous affair as a co-respondent AND it is within the power of the Court to order that any party so named be liable for a proportion of the legal costs of the divorce.

The unknown quantity here, so to speak, is the OW's dh and he may be less compliant and less easy to bamboozle than the OP.

I reckon that the OP's dh and his OW have planned it so that she'll leave her marital home, or order her stbx out of it, and after a decent interval she'll announce to her family/friends that she has newly taken up with the OP's stbx who, much like herself, having tried everything he could to stay in his marriage (wipes his noble brow) has reluctantly concluded that divorce was the only option.

This could run for a while as, in the interests of financial or other expediency, she may prefer to forestall her stbxh from doing anything rash wait until the ink's dry on her decree absolute before setting up home with the OP's dh.

Meantime, the OP's dh will ostensibly be doing his best short of resuming marital relations with his wife to make his marriage work and no doubt he'll be rewarded by his dps and other relatives praising his stalwart effort when he reveals that he's exerted himself to no avail.

Of course the devil's always in the detail and, if my supposition is accurate, the OP has cause and opportunity to throw a huge spanner into his works by kicking him out now in the hope he may discover that the grass is not greener if he has to live in less comfortable circumstances while continuing his hole in the corner affair with the OW.

It amuses me to toy with the idea of him and the OW arguing over the amount of times she can't see him, the need for them not to be seen together in public, and the lonely hours he'll spend with only the box for company. Or maybe it's pure altruism that's inclining me to the view that their 'lurve' should be tested to the limit before they begin cohabiting?

Alternatively, the OP may prefer to keep the blinkers on believe that the man she married would never stoop so low even though, as he's unashamedly admitted to infidelity, she has little cause to have any confidence that he can't get any lower than he already is

I told him he was being selfish and immature and he looked shocked then went into a sulk and wouldn't talk to me for a while

Says it all really...

And, why would she email him to say she is getting a divorce??

Wake up!

You are getting amazing (and being further down the line than you, absolutely SPOT ON) advice.

It really is as blunt as MN says.

"I have suggested that he seek counselling/help for issues that he admits to which are impacting on how he feels about his life in general (although he loves his job he also finds it stressful and is not good at managing stress) but he is reluctant which I find difficult to understand '

is the problem. I know you can't see this, but of course he doesn't want to go to counselling. That means looking at himself, and being questioned.

The best thing to blow your shock and denial apart is finding out about the OW. Put a voice-activated recorder in his car. If it is possible, watch them coming out of work.

Knowing the truth however painful is much, much better than second-guessing and wondering if you are mad.

And then you can make plans to move on. Good luck.

herzog I have come into this rather late but I have to say, hurtful though it may be, that perhaps at 35 he just isn't into playing scrabble any more.

If you want this relationship to survive I suggest you look at yourself and change yourself into something less boring and not wait around for him to be your scrabble partner.