Is it really bad of me to take the cowards way out here?

[WhoDrankAllThePepsi]

Ok last one on this subject. I had an earlier thread detailing how and why I want to split with current boyfriend and my anguish over the guilt I'm feeling.
Well I'm due to see him Thursday (shopping nothing exciting) so I do have the option of telling him then before the weekend he's so looking forward to. However, I'd much prefer to do it by email I don't mean a "hi, had enough, soz. Pepsi x" type email but a decent, heart felt 'letter' type email about why we're not working out. It would be a hell of a lot easier for me obviously but don't know if it's really cruel or not?
I know I painted him to be a bit of a twat but I honestly don't think he intends to be that way, his social skills are terrible (for example whilst bird watching at the weekend he had us stood there all silent in the middle of the forest because he'd seen some rare bird. A couple of fellow twitchers crept up behind us, all smiles, wondering what we'd seen and DB whispers "trust some fucker to come along now" I was mortified, it was a silent forest, they MUST have heard him. Similar thing happened in the supermarket, an old woman accidently brushed his basket with her trolley and said "oops sorry love" and he tutted and mumbled "just fucking barge into people why don't you".

I honestly think it all stems from his mother. I also think am positive he has aspergers traits. So whilst a few of you told me to just get rid and he's not worth worrying about, he really isn't as bad as I made him sound so I don't want to hurt him.

So, is email a no no? I'm worried I will back out of doing it if I try face to face again.

Face to face is usually best (except eg. with violent or abusive assholes).

Why do you think you'll back out if done face to face? You know what you want to say. Say it, be dignified, leave. You are entitled to end a relationship you don't want to be in anymore.

Or could you do it face to face then tell him you will email him to explain in greater detail?

How do you think he will react? Do you think he will want to talk or will he need some "space" almost immediately?

Can you say (when you meet him) "I have something important I want to tell you but I'll be very brief. If you want to talk later, give me a ring." And then leave.

There is no way to avoid hurting someone when you break up with them. You need to accept this and then do it in the fairest was possible.

What the previous poster said about saying it to his face and giving him the option to call you later is good advice.

way

write the email, but give it to him person, there is no easy way to do this and he will be hurt, but he deserves you to be there when you do it.

You arent a teenager.

Always do it face to face, he will have questions and want to chat things through. It is very cruel to finish a long term relationship by email or letter.

Why don't you call or text the morning you are due to meet up and say you have something you need to talk to him about and perhaps you could meet at one of your houses first or something? I know what you mean, once you get into a day out with someone it's very hard to pluck up the courage to suddenly go 'oh by the way..' and drop it in conversation.

So if you let him know you need to talk so you won't back out, but only a short time before you meet so you don't leave him stewing on it for too long (it is also very cruel to tell someone 'we need to talk' and then leave it days before you can meet up and have the discussion - I've had this happen to me before!)

You'll be fine, the sooner you do it the better you'll feel. Best of luck.

Write it as a letter. Go and see him. Tell him you're really sorry, break up with him, give him the letter and tell him that it's trying to explain everything - and if he wants to talk to you about anything in it then he can phone you later.

It is shit, but it's more shit to take the coward's way out - because not only will you then feel shit for hurting him, but your own dignity will be bruised as well for being a coward. Be the big person and do the right thing. :)

Be careful about how you phrase the letter/email/conversation.

There is a possibility that he will ask 'why' and then be able to 'solve' any problems that you have with the relationship (he'll try harder) and now all the difficulties are 'solved', the weekend's still on, right?

If you feel backed into a corner, perhaps suggest that you spend some time apart to 'see how you feel' and that you can't commit to anything at the moment. You can perhaps work from there. Good luck!

I'd do it face-to-face and then send the e-mail.

But it's really shit (and cowardly) not to do it in person. Sorry.

I think that giving someone a letter saying 'you are dumped, this is why, sorry' and then making them read it in front of you is pretty harsh!

But since you're going shopping - why not plan a visit to a quiet cafe and do it there. Public spaces can be easier as they're a neutral space and either of you can end the conversation when it seems best.

Good luck OP - sounds like you are doing the right thing.

This is your earlier thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1379078-Oh-god-feel-so-guilty

As you've arranged to go shopping with him on Thursday I'd advocate either inviting him to call at your home or meeting in a public place for a coffee first, at which point you should tell him that you no longer have the feelings that you once had for him and that you don't wish to continue the relationship.

If he seems inclined to want to enter into a lengthy debate simply keep repeating that you know you won't be able to recover your previous feelings for him and that your mind is made up, otherwise you may find it'll turn into a marathon as he dissects everything you say and attempts to counteract it with promises of change if you start enumerating the points on which your respective interests and future goals differ.

What you're aiming for is a clean break with no opportunity for him to rehash the past and make promises he won't keep of things being different if only you'll reconsider, and you certainly dont want to invite protracted correspondence by email or phone after you've done the deed.

If you want to be kind, mumble on about it being entirely down to you and nothing to do with anything he's done and that, while it's been a pleasure to know him*, you won't be changing your mind and you wish him well for the future.

I've marked Thurday in my diary as a night to look forward to your update announcement that you're a free woman again!

*white lies were invented for these occasions.

If I was going to be dumped I'd actually prefer to receive a letter than be told face to face. It saves embarrassment and humiliation and gives you a chance to compose yourself before facing the ex and the outside world.

An alternative is to do it in the car on the way shopping. It's in person but you're both spared the ordeal of eye contact and touching until you've had a chance to take it in and think about how you're going to react.

Good luck. It's horrible but you have every right to end a relationship you no longer want, and ultimately it's in his best interests too.

In person and no explanation. It's not necessary to say more than I don't want to be with you any more. Bye.

Unless you're living or have children together. Then some practical arrangements need to be made but other than that short and to the point is best.

Think how you'd feel if it was the other way round, would you be OK with being dumped by email?

I agree you don't need to give lengthy, detailed explanations, or get into a discussion about it. In a way the letter might be worse, it's not much use to have all your faults and failings spelled out to you when the person's already decided to break up with you, it just adds insult to injury really. And might lead him to think that if he can explain/excuse/change those things, you might change your mind.

No need to be rude or nasty, just be very clear that things have not worked out for you, you don't want to have a relationship with him, you have made your mind up. I'd phone him, say you have something you need to say to him and can you come round to his. Then you can leave when you've said what you need to. If it's at your place, it might be difficult to get him to leave. And doing it in public isn't very nice, he might be upset so better to be at home.

I sodding well always forget to click convert links: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1379078-Oh-god-feel-so-guilty

By way of a ps, IMO you should put any thoughts of guilt aside because you've done him an honour in bestowing your time and affections on him and you've both gained from the experience.

In the car sunshine!? That's the worst idea I've ever heard! Izzy's idea is much better.

You could do it like Homer Simpson?

'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you'

Reason I don't want to do it face to face is because when I've done this before (it's happened 3 times before!) he always manages to talk me around into some kind of "Lets just take it slower and see what happens" state and then everything passes as if nothing was said and months down the line I realise nothing has changed. I know I need to be more final, no "lets give it a month or so" or "lets see less of each other and see what happens" because that way nothing will change.

He text me today with "I love you" on the end and I feel so bad

The worst bit about it is a part of me doesn't even think he will be upset about losing "me" as such, he'll just be gutted at losing the only social life he has. Oh I wish I wasn't such a bloody soft shit. I really do.

The fact you've broken up with him before makes this easier.

You can start the conversation by saying 'you know how you said you wanted to see what happens when I tried to end things between us? well my feelings haven't changed. I don't want to be with you any more'

Don't let him talk you round, just leave saying there is to be no further discussion. Don't answer his calls or emails.

Oh I wish I wasn't such a bloody soft shit. I really do.

Then don't be. When he, for the fourth time, says, "Let's try this and that", you can reply "No." You can embellish it a bit to something like "No, that won't work for me. I don't want to continue this relationship."

And then you walk away, and turn off your phone. Change your SIM card if you are truly afraid of weakening.

You deserve someone who wants you for YOU, not as a stand-in for a social life.

Please see my earlier post on your other thread: he knows it's coming and he knows he's been able to talk you round before which is why he's determined to make it as difficult as possible for you by dropping 'i love you' bombs in an attempt to make you think twice about dropping him.

If you can't do it face to face tell him on the phone and make it crystal clear that you're not up for being talked round by hanging up if necessary.

Don't bother with 'embellishing'. Remember the old mumsnet maxim that 'no' is a complete sentence and its the only one you need should the dumpee try to talk you round again.

I've just seen that when you've tried to bin him before he's said 'Lets just take it slower and see what happens'.

ROFL - how much slower can you go than 10 years before you make up the shortfall in his HB live together? What a berk!