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Original poster

The pressure of a depressive boyfriend - I think I want out.....?

53 replies

Rubiesandrainbows · 09/01/2012 22:13

My boyfriend has depression and also has self-harmed in the past. He hasn't done this for some time.

He is smothering me! :(

I do love him though but that is becoming increasingly clouded.

He constantly says I am selfish, says he will end his life if I was to leave him, but constantly worries that I feel trapped.

Argh! Has anyone any experiernce of my situation?

Thanks.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/01/2012 22:14

In what way does he think you are selfish?

Original poster
Rubiesandrainbows · 09/01/2012 22:18

I think just because I have to get on with things, I can't always be there to devote all my time to him. I have a full time job and other people in my life.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/01/2012 22:20

Right. Well he is being very selfish to expect you to devote all your time to him.
He sounds rather emotionally manipulative. Would you say that was right?

Original poster
Rubiesandrainbows · 09/01/2012 22:23

Yes pictish I would agree with that. Sometimes quite alot, and other times seems less so.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/01/2012 22:26

Anyone who tells their partner they will kill themselves if they leave, is a being a bully. You are not responsible for his emotional wellbeing - he is.
To hold you to ransom like that is wrong.

Do you feel obliged to him?

HedleyLamarr · 09/01/2012 22:27

It may be that he is depressed, but I personally would run like fuck. Sad

Original poster
Rubiesandrainbows · 09/01/2012 22:27

He's just calling me now for (what feels like) the millionenth time today. I must have spoken to him 10 times. I am ignoring the phone. Though what consequences that will have I am sure he will delight in telling me.

Sorry, I'm doing a him and feeling sorry for myself! I'm just after advice on what my next step can be, wether to try and carry on or get out

OP posts:
AnnoyingOrange · 09/01/2012 22:28

Run away and save yourself

pictish · 09/01/2012 22:29

What does he phone you for?

squeakytoy · 09/01/2012 22:30

How long have you been together?

Was he the same in a previous relationship that you may know of (this will tell you that he is highly unlikely to carry out his threat... and is just saying it because he knows damn well how draining he is, and that it is only a matter of time before you part ways with him).

Thingumy · 09/01/2012 22:30

Is he receiving treatment for his depression?

I feel for you,you must be stressed to high hell.

Do what is right for YOU and don't be guilt tripped.

Is there anyone you can talk to about his behaviour-friends,his family?

FabbyChic · 09/01/2012 22:30

Depressives are selfish because all we can see is our problems, how bad things are for us.

Tell him he needs to get his medication checkd, with the right medication he won't be as manipulative as he is. He will be able to see clearer and maintain a sense of worth for himself.

FabbyChic · 09/01/2012 22:32

YOu aren't right for him, you cannot give him the attention he needs and neither do you want to.

Get out of the relationship because you don;t see any of this from his side, if you did you would be asking how to make him better you aren't you are asking how to deal with it so he gives you peace.

YOu don't love him by along shot.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 09/01/2012 22:33

Get rid.

He is a twat. He will not enrich your life.

He is holding you hostage. He is a first class arse.

vanillaskinnylatte · 09/01/2012 22:33

I have just ended a relationship where my ex controlled me, was constantly depreseed and abusive. He was violent too.

This guy will suck you dry and drain you of life. You must leave now and you will feel that weight lifted off from around your neck. Trust me!

pictish · 09/01/2012 22:34

fabby - what do think about him threatening suicide if she leaves him?

squeakytoy · 09/01/2012 22:36

I think it is unfair to say he is an arse or a twat. The bloke has mental health problems which cant be helped. But the op is only his girlfriend, and does not need to take any responsibility for her boyfriends health. Ultimately he is the only one who can do that.

pipsqueak · 09/01/2012 22:37

fabby - you have an unusual perspective on this. OP has stated that she does love him ? why do you think this is not the case? i think OP is right to question this relationship as it seems to me to be rather damaging to her

solidgoldbrass · 09/01/2012 22:39

Dump him. Life is too short to waste on whiners. And 'being depressed' does not mean he is entitled to make your life miserable too.

vanillaskinnylatte · 09/01/2012 22:39

yes he needs help - but better he leave so that he can get help. If its meant to be then they can rekindle their relationship when he is better. He clearly has issues that need resolving before he can be in a relationship. OP is not responsible for him and needs to put herself first. OP will only get depressed herself if she sticks around....

QuintessentiallyShallow · 09/01/2012 22:39

I am not answering for fabby. But, not the ops problem. A grown man should not be threatening suicide to hold his girlfriend hostage.

Original poster
Rubiesandrainbows · 09/01/2012 22:40

we have been together for a while now, longer than 2 years.

He sees a therapist twice a week which was something I suggested about a year ago but obviously that is not a "fix" and he'll have to run through that process.

He doesn;t want to take medication fabby. And all i;ve done is see it from his side for a while now - I've read books on depression and he talks for hours to me about it and I'll always listen.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyShallow · 09/01/2012 22:41

He seems like hard work. Do you have much fun, or do you feel loved, while he is whittering on about himself and his depression?

FabbyChic · 09/01/2012 22:42

I have an unusual perspective because I suffered from severe depression for three years. I know what it is like to be a sufferer.

He does not mean to be manipulative that is his illness. Depressed people are selfish because they know how they feel, they know what it is like every single day to get up in the morning and feel utter despair. Like you are in a 100ft well with no way of getting out, like you are in the middle of the sea and drowning with no life jacket on.

I speak from the depressives side. He will attempt suicide with pills as an attention seeking exercise he won't mean to kill himself though.

Why? Because if you want to die you walk in front of a train because from that there is no turning back and you don't want to live anymore and you don't tell anybody you just do it.

Let him take the pills he will get the help he needs, the OP is making him worse not better.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/01/2012 22:42

Get out. Yes, he is depressed but he is now holding you responsible for his mental health. He is manipulating you to avoid taking responsibility for himself. This will only get worse as time goes on. You are not helping him or yourself by staying in this relationship.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.