Page 2 | The pressure of a depressive boyfriend - I think I want out.....?

Rubiesandrainbows · 2012-01-09T22:13:19+00:00

My boyfriend has depression and also has self-harmed in the past. He hasn't done this for some time. He is smothering me! :( I do love him though but that is becoming increasingly clouded. He constantly says I am selfish, says he will end his life if I was to leave him, but constantly worries that I feel trapped. Argh! Has anyone any experiernce of my situation? Thanks.

pictish · 09/01/2012 22:43

fabby - with all dur espect, you are spouting utter shite.

FabbyChic · 09/01/2012 22:43

Make him take the pills, he either takes them or you walk. Do it.

Pills saved my life without them I wouldn't be here. They gave me life and made me breath again, I work now full time 40 hours a week, I haven't cried from depression for over 6 months.

pictish · 09/01/2012 22:44

And I say that as a sufferer of depression on and off since my teens.

Original poster

Rubiesandrainbows · 09/01/2012 22:44

vanilla can you tell me more about your past relationship? How did you get out? What was the deciding factor?

quintessentially we do have fun mostly, and I feel incredibly loved (sometimes too much so and I know that sounds messed up for me to say that, but as I said, I do feel smothered sometimes)

OP posts:

vanillaskinnylatte · 09/01/2012 22:44

Rubies, you clearly care about him and love him very much. You want to be there to help him through his depression - but you really must consider that this is not helping you or helping him. He cant fully realise and resolve his issues if he is focussing all his energy on pestering you, phoning you and trying to control you. He needs to be on his own for a while so he can truly concentrate on what he needs to - so he needs to sort out his mental health issues first. You are very kind OP, but you need to be kind to you as well. Its a very hard road you are on & you will end up making yourself ill and you will end up resenting him I think. You need some time out too, but looks like he is threatening suicide etc to keep you there. He is trying to control you and make you feel guilty, but you have nothing to feel guilty for! You are in no way selfish either...he's saying it to make you feel bad so that you stick around. You need to look after you.

pictish · 09/01/2012 22:46

Btw fabby i agree with your summary about how it feels....but can I ask again....what do you think about him threatening suicide if she leaves?

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/01/2012 22:47

Out of interest Rubies, what made him seek help a year ago?

vanillaskinnylatte · 09/01/2012 22:49

Rubies my partner attacked me with a knife just before Xmas. That was my deciding factor. He was also holding our baby at the time. Not good.

Whenever he had been in a bad mood, called me names, controlled me, critisised me as a woman, kicked me - I had always considered his side of things and his feelings. I always made excuses for him and thought that one day he would change. He was depressed and had anger issues. I knew that and I always used to tell him to get help. After each incident he would cry and say that he would get help and change...but he never did and things just got worse.

Im not saying that your boyfriend will do what mine did, but its controlling behaviour so that they get what they want. You end up feeling like a shit girlfriend because thats what they tell you! But in reality you are a diamond! You are so caring that they use that to their advantage to get you to do as they please. Its all about manipulation. Seriously. You should do yourself a favour and get away from him. Make a clean break and be happy again.

pictish · 09/01/2012 22:51

Im not saying that your boyfriend will do what mine did, but its controlling behaviour so that they get what they want. You end up feeling like a shit girlfriend because thats what they tell you! But in reality you are a diamond! You are so caring that they use that to their advantage to get you to do as they please. Its all about manipulation. Seriously. You should do yourself a favour and get away from him. Make a clean break and be happy again.

This ^

FabbyChic · 09/01/2012 22:52

OP Ive messaged you.

Dont let him use you as a crutch.

Night

Thingumy · 09/01/2012 22:52

'Depressed people are selfish' No depressed people ARE ill,depression can make you selfish as it's very easy to become self absorbed with your illness.

The OP needs to put her needs first and to lay down some ground rules..NO threats of suicide,she needs her own space and a break from talking about her partners illness/feelings.

I think if he can't do that,it's time to think about making the break.

It's very difficult when you have a depressed partner.

Original poster

Rubiesandrainbows · 09/01/2012 22:57

posters thanks so much I am off to bed now to have a good think but I am so glad I posted because it;'s really given me food for thought and insight. I will post again tomorrow if I get chance. Thank god for mumsnet! :)

OP posts:

Tattymum · 09/01/2012 23:01

Oh and turn off your phone so you get a good night's sleep - the start of setting boundaries at the very least

pictish · 09/01/2012 23:02

I've read books on depression and he talks for hours to me about it and I'll always listen.

Don't always listen will you? After all, it is a deathly dull subject is it not? Hours of it. It's very self indulgent of him, and incredibly selfish if he always expects you to be his enraptured audience.

HedleyLamarr · 09/01/2012 23:06

Upthread FabbyChic said:-

Get out of the relationship because you don;t see any of this from his side, if you did you would be asking how to make him better you aren't you are asking how to deal with it so he gives you peace

Pictish then said:-

fabby - what do think about him threatening suicide if she leaves him?

My point is this bloke is manipulating you by phoning umpteen times a day. He will, as others have said, suck the life out of you. I have experience of this, it's fucking horrible.

As to Pictish's comment, he is not your responsibility. He won't kill himself because you left him. Many men (search the boards here) threaten suicide, most do nowt. Dump the fucker, life's too short.

Fabby is spot on. Look at what you've written. Then pack his bags.

pictish · 09/01/2012 23:10

To clarify - I don't think what fabby said about how depression makes one feel was wrong.

What I disagreed with was that the OP is "making him worse, not better".

RoughShooting · 09/01/2012 23:11

Why won't he consider a medical approach to the illness (pills)? Perhaps you could try an ultimatum of your own to get him on some anti-depressants?

Remember that although depression is an illness, it doesn't prevent you from being a self-involved, selfish twat too, maybe he is both.

I'm not sure I could cope with what you describe of his behaviour, and certainly it would be very hard to feel like an equal partner and soulmate with someone who was like this.

TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 09/01/2012 23:15

Rubies, you could be me a couple of months ago.

My (now ex) boyfriend has longstanding depression, anxiety disorder and OCD. He tried to control me constantly, because loving me made him feel even more insecure. If I didn't reply to text within five minutes, I'd start receiving snarky messages implying I didn't care about him. If I wanted to do something on my own - for example, Christmas shopping for DD when she was staying at her dads - it would be sign that I was utterly selfish, cold and didn't love him. If I wanted to go for a walk with friends, invited him, and he didn't want to come, he would spend the whole time I was out sending me messages and then spending the evening being vile and accusing me of God knows what. Sometimes, even my facial expressions were wrong - I should have looked happier to be with him as we were walking down the street or something equally mundane. This escalated to the point where every evening we spent together, he would at best be criticising me for being aloof, cold, distant and a snob, or at worst, yelling at me because I didn't love him enough. The final straw came a couple of weeks ago when he didn't like the fact that I spoke to an old friend and shared an joke with them. This resulted in him screaming, crying, flouncing, slamming doors and stalking off into the night. I told him a couple of days later that I wouldn't forgive his behaviour any longer, because to do so would be to condone it, and he was becoming so out of control I didn't know what he would do next.

He was holding me responsible for his mental health, just the way your boyfriend is, and you are not responsible, not at all. The problem is, because these men think we can "save" them, the fact that we aren't / can't / won't makes it ten times worse.

You'd be doing both of you a favour to let this one go.

I have the greatest sympathy for anyone suffering from mental health problems - hell, I've suffered a few myself in the past - but there is no substitue for professional and medical support.

pictish · 09/01/2012 23:39

There is nothing quite so damning as being put on a pedestal eh?
When you're with someone who thinks you can solve it all just by being what they want and expect you to be, even though their expectations are completely self absorbed and unrealistic, you end up being completely drained.
Their idea of a relationship is pie in the sky, yet they are furious when you don't devote your entire life to making it better for them, as they think you are capable of, if you would only pay them more attention.
They tell you you are unloving, cold, selfish, that you never listen to them, that you clearly don't care about them, that you are a shit partner, that your emotional neglect is making them feel worse than ever....yet you seem to do little else but strive to make them feel loved and secure.

There comes a point where you realise that nothing, nothing you ever say or do is going to be enough. They want your very fucking soul to possess!

Yup - been there.

TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 10/01/2012 08:47

Pictish, you are spot on

It not the reality of the person that they love so much, its a fantasy of being rescued that turns into an obsession [shudder]

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/01/2012 10:15

I would run a mile. He isn't even taking responsibility by taking meds so there really is no hope. I would not subject myself to this 'relationship' for anything.

BearWith · 10/01/2012 11:25

AMEN to that, pictish. Been there too and you are so right. It was never enough, and yes I think he did want to somehow drain out my soul to have for his own - because without me he was an empty husk with no real inner life.

Brrr.

OP, this sounds like a damaging dynamic. You know what you have to do. You know equally that you will feel very guilty and he will well and truly kick off. I hope you know in addition to those two things that you have nothing to feel guilty for and there is nothing you can do for him. He is his own person; you can't save him and sacrifice your own peace of mind in the process. Trust me.

Diggs · 10/01/2012 11:48

This sounds very unhealthy Op , what needs of yours get met while you are constantly focusing on his ?

He could well have been manipulative and mithering before he got depressed , these things could just as easily be part of his charecter as they are his illness . What right has this guy got to refuse to hold you responsible in this way , to refuse to do anything about his illness but bleat for hours about it ?

Time for some boundarys here , perhaps insist he gets meds , gets sorted or youll have to consider things ? You sound like you are being held hostage , you dont have a partner , you have a patient and your not qualified to help him .

lubeybooby · 10/01/2012 11:59

Jesus christ - if he is that depressed he does need medication, and he has no right to carry on the way he is.

Meds are not an instant cure all, but the right ones will get you far enough out of the deep hole so that you can climb the rest of the way out yourself.

With depression as bad as his all the therapy and talking in the world won't help.

I would give him that advice and then cut ties. And if he threatens to kill himself advise the samaritans. Or if he really seems serious get the police to check on him and tell him you have informed them. Then change number! It's not your fault or your responsibility.

solidgoldbrass · 10/01/2012 12:12

It's fine not to want to put up with this any more. Please do bear in mind that 'love' doesn't actually cure mental illness. Medication and therapy do that. You can't make him better, all that will happen is that he will drag you down with him. You don't owe him your life.
And it is OK if it becomes necessary, to call the police and use legal means to keep him away from you. It's not being cruel and heartless to refuse to be bullied and emotionally blackmailed by someone even if that person is unwell.