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Original poster

Anyone with some knowledge of Asperger?

35 replies

IsThisAS · 09/01/2012 18:22

I have been battling for a while to try and understand my H and I can't seem to be able to.
I've been advised to read 'Asperger in love' and so so many things seem to be ringing true. It would be a 'nice' explaination (as it would mean he is actually a nice guy and is really trying his best) but I am very worried that I am finding excuses for him.
So could you tell me if these reactions would be in the remit of AS?

  • On me asking him if he though we should get married, he said 'Well, you are the woman I've been with the longest so you must be the one'.
  • On telling him that I was working late one night 'But then I won't be able to go running with the dcs and make dinner!' >
  • At the end of the day, I tell H that I have done a bit of yoga and feel much better for it 'Oh, a little wwalk AND some yoga today. Woha!
Back ground is that I have been very tired for a long time (close to ME type of symptoms) so haven't done a lot of 'execise'. That day we all went out for a 2 hours walk (which is a walk in the park in H standard. A walk is at least 4~5 hours long going up hill)
  • On me saying I would like to know what is going on at work/with work colleague 'Why?? You don't know them' and then saying the same when I am talking about work colleagues 'I am not interrested. I don't know them'.
  • I can't make any comment without it being taken as a criticisism, even if this is to try and find a solution together. Any attempt to 'discuss' solution is rejected because if I point out a potential downside to his solution, 'I am obvioulsy trying to put him down, rejecting his solution and generally having a go at him.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
trulyscrumptious43 · 09/01/2012 18:24

This thread from just before xmas might help:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1264558-Living-with-Aspergers-the-husbands-viewpoint

Scorps · 09/01/2012 18:28

He is being logical, black and white about it all, he doesn't mean the harm

To him, yes, he's been with you the longest, therefore it makes sense to marry you

About the working late - disruption to his little plan, fixed idea

I have several traits of someone with Aspergers, but have never got a diagnosis. sometimes I would enrage ExH with my 'traits' - It's black, or white, no middle ground.

Abirdinthehand · 09/01/2012 18:29

Well, firstly i am no exert. But I had a boyfried who was diagnosed with aspergers by his universiyt while we were together. Your examples sound very like him, except the sarcasm and the last point about criticism. They jus ound like normal relationship issues to me. But as I said, my experience is limited.

Being with the boyfriend was nghtmarish.He had quite severe aspergers but was not interetsed in developing coping strategies or recognizing the way he did thigs was different. He saw himself as right, and everyone else wrong and illogical. But I know many people with aspergers are much more able to develop strategies to help them realise how what they do affects others.

DontAskMeSums · 09/01/2012 18:32

Some of the things he says sound typical of ASD traits and some don't. People with ASD traits don't generally use sarcasm unless they are so near 'neurotypical' people that it would hardly be worth getting an ASD diagnosis.

Several of the comments you list above could be from someone who is being unkind or from someone who has ASD, depending on their tone. The work colleagues comments, if said in a straighforward, slightly uncomprehending way, would be ASD typical. If they were said in other tones, they might be just nasty.

Simon Barron-Cohen controversially called ASD 'extreme male behaviour'. I can see why he would, actually.

My son is on the 'almost normal' end of the spectrum. He understands sarcasm now but he had to learn it and it took a long time.

How is he with organsing himself and time management? Does he sound a little old-fashioned and slightly formal when he speaks? What are his friendships/interests like?

seaofyou · 09/01/2012 18:32

Aspergers is not an excuse for rudeness. Their is being literal....ie me: 'I'm dying of thirst' ds panics 'please don't die mummy please'.

When I said to Paed about my ex and said I think ex has AS....he said 'that is not the reason it is far far worse'

AS and BPD is often confused with PD same part of the brain is effected...with lack of reading emotions and empathy...I know many AS men and they are polite, considerate.

CandyClouds · 09/01/2012 18:34

Sounds exactly like my ex:

I asked him one weekend if we should do something together as we were childfree - his response was "well I don't have anything better to do so ok"

During an argument one night I suggested maybe we should just break up. His response was "hmm well if you moved out I could go on my computer game more I suppose - and I could put my picture back on the wall" (the picture was hideous) he said all this very matter of factly as if it would be the best solution to his gaming/decorating dilemmas.

When discussing children he said "hmm well I don't think I'd like to get a vasectomy because if anything ever happened to (his dd) I'd like to be able to replace her" Shock
On the same subject he said "I really wish it was just me, you and (his dd), that would be perfect" (yes, my children vanishing into thin air would be great Hmm )

He genuinely did NOT see anything wrong with any of these comments. When I pulled him up on them he'd PRETEND to understand why they were offensive but I doubt he truly "got it".

He also couldn't take ANY critisism (this even spanned to where he shopped, if I said Morrisons was crap he'd take it VERY personally and it could well spiral into an argument - because he shopped there. )
Just before we split up he was heading upstairs to put some paperwork into the filing cabinet. I'd spent the day decorating the bedroom. I followed him up, we went into the bedroom and I expected at LEAST "Ooo looks nice/different in here" but he never mentioned it. Infact, he never even NOTICED because his agenda was the paperwork and filing cabinet. Nothing else at that point mattered or even existed. I said to him "so??? do you like the bedroom??" and his response was "we need a new filing cabinet, the door is getting stiff on this one."

Absolute nightmare from start to finish. Never again.

CandyClouds · 09/01/2012 18:38

Should also add, despite all his irritating traits, he was NEVER sarcastic. I don't think sarcasm and aspergers tend to go hand in hand to be honest. I can be sarcastic, and he never got it. For instance if I said to him about a disgusting picture "ooo lovely! haha" he'd say "but I didn't think that would be your cup of tea?"
One time a bloke from work was calling him pestering him to go out drinking and I said "oh just tell him we're having sex all night" and he replied "I don't think we will be though?" ffs very hard work.

ameliagrey · 09/01/2012 18:40

I have worked with some kids with Aspergers.

None of what you say strikes me as Aspergers.

Most people with Asp are logical - which can come over as unfeeling. They have not usually got the emotional wherewithal to make connections required to be sarcastic.

it is very hard to diagnose Asgrs from posts here. Even if he is, then he can accept your hurt and try to change his behaviour.

seaofyou · 09/01/2012 18:40

Candy your dp has theory of mind problems and appears gen would not offend...the other bloke is constantly just picking away at this woman...he may have AS but he is a big AH(ole) too treating you like this...as said no excuss for rudeness!

Maryz · 09/01/2012 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tabulahrasa · 09/01/2012 18:44

'Aspergers is not an excuse for rudeness.'

hmm, except it can be though... my DS is quite often unintentionally rude, either by saying things that while true other people have the tact not to and in fact not even understanding why tact would be needed, by omitting the bit of information that makes it not rude (for example his response to a close friend's Christmas present a couple of years ago was - I didn't ask for that, she knew him well enough to then ask, but do you like it? which he did, but he was right, he hadn't asked for it, lol) or by being overly logical about thinks were most people don't apply logic (emotional issues).

You can to a certain extent teach him things, so he now knows that you don't mention that someone is fat, but he might point out something else about someone's appearance because we haven't covered that exact example.

And you don't ever ask him things like how you look - he's brutally honest, lol

CandyClouds · 09/01/2012 18:46

tabulah "don't ever ask him how you look"

Oh god! the memories!

One thing about living with someone with aspergers - you develop one hell of a thick skin.

Maryz · 09/01/2012 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knitknack · 09/01/2012 18:48

My dad has aspergers and used to use sarcasm a lot of the time when we were growing up! It was very damaging :(

seaofyou · 09/01/2012 18:49

that's theory of mind and not knowing social skills rules (what is acceptable) tab

but I'm right their is no excuse for rudeness...

OP you need to ignore your dh when he talks rude to you and give him lots of praise when he is nice to you...if he got AS he will learn that rule in 5 seconds flat!

tabulahrasa · 09/01/2012 18:50

DS is 15, so not a littley - about 3 weeks ago he banged his head on my rearview mirror getting into the car, I told him (jokily) don't do that, I need that mirror, he said, it's fine, I'll look behind us and shout if you're going to hit something Grin...But I can check my hair in my mirror...

Oh I'll do that too, it's messy, same as always, a bit frizzy at the front though

Aye, thanks DS Hmm lol

tabulahrasa · 09/01/2012 18:53

'if he got AS he will learn that rule in 5 seconds flat!'

If he does have AS though, the problem with that is that he wouldn't repeat that exact conversation - but if it was a slightly similar one, he wouldn't realise the same rule applied...

tabulahrasa · 09/01/2012 18:56

Also, thinking about it, with my DS you'd have to tell him you were ignoring him - which kind of makes it into a self-defeating exercise, lol

Maryz · 09/01/2012 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scorps · 09/01/2012 18:59

tabulah - i just chuckled to myself

ExH used to have to say to me: look we've had a disagreement, i need some space, this means i won't be talking to you

so i would understand we had fallen out!

seaofyou · 09/01/2012 19:00

AS very good at catergorizing and sameness with behaviours/rituals/routinue/conversations etc...once he gets rude = she wont talk to me...maybe you could film him too and play it back so he can hear the tone of voice to know it rude!

seaofyou · 09/01/2012 19:02

it depends if you have done ABA and how HF the person is Maryz 'five seconds flat' was a figure of speech...people with AS don't get it though:)

seaofyou · 09/01/2012 19:04

same to you to Tab...GrinFIGURE OF SPEECH?!?!!

WetAugust · 09/01/2012 19:09

Dx'd Aspies galore in my family.

Some of the behaviour you described is Aspie but some isn't.

Aspie traits can be quite subtle. Here's 3 examples from my experience:

  1. You both visit a town that neither of you have been to before. You park in the car park and he immediately asks you 'Where are the toilets?' He fully expects you to know, even though like him, you've never been to that town before so have no idea where the toilets are.

  2. You remark in casual conversation 'I see you are reading ' His response. "I'm not reading that book - I'm talking to you." Because at that very momment he is not reading a book and is talking to you. That's the very literal behaviour.

  3. He may take quite a circuitous route to get somewhere new as he'll be 'adding' another leg to a journey that he may be partly familiar with already. Mine drives 1 mile south to end up 3 miles north! That's the rigidity of thought - lack of imagining going by an entirely new route.

But there as as many behaviour traits as their are Aspies. I can spot them now straight away.

greenmoo · 09/01/2012 20:38

All of the examples you give could be explained by insensitivity rather than Asperger's.

Maybe Google something called the AQ test and see if he'll do it. A score of 32 or above indicates Asperger's.