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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New man "lied" but is it a big deal?

28 replies

CandyClouds · 09/01/2012 17:08

Recently became involved with someone. I asked what he did for a living when we first met and he said he was a nurse but never elaborated on it (and I never asked for further details). Few weeks have passed, the relationship has moved on somewhat and I now find out he's actually a student nurse at university (he never told me this, found out through facebook). He says he never lied, just it was "easier" to say nurse rather than say he was a student.
My last partner was a terrible liar and I swore I'd never put up with it again. Am I being unfair? was it a lie or just a variation of the truth? Is it the same thing? What would you think?

OP posts:
snuffaluffagus · 09/01/2012 17:11

That's not really a big deal.. student nurses have to work as nurses really don't they (ie the course is very hands on as opposed to sitting in a lecture theatre the whole time) so I don't think it's a terrible lie!

thisisyesterday · 09/01/2012 17:12

hmm i dunno, i can understand just saying "i'm a nurse" to someone you're never going to talk to again and you're in a hurry and it's just quicker/easier

but i think it's slightly odd to say to someone you're just chatting to and finding out about each other... i'd have thought he would have told the truth tbh

Kayano · 09/01/2012 17:21

I can't see the big deal here as a lot of training actually happens in hospitals
Doesn't it? He could actually spend most of his time doing more nurse stuff than study stuff iyswim?

LaurieFairyCake · 09/01/2012 17:24

Depends very much on how much you've seen him. If it's just been a few dates then no, it wouldn't bother me.

If it was overnights, long conversations, lots of shared time together then I would think it very weird that it hadn't come up. All the studying, essays etc would have been bound to really.

Tamoo · 09/01/2012 17:28

He might have been worried about putting you off by saying he was a student. My ex (whom I met through online dating) said that a couple of women he had met were v put off by his impoverished student status.

Having said that I have another ex who started me off with small lies (eg said he didn't smoke when he did) and 9 months later was revealed as a monumental liar, cheater and genuine psychopath.

HTH!

SarahBumBarer · 09/01/2012 17:43

I'd let this one go, if you are sure that it is your past causing you to be concerned rather than a general feeling of unease about this specific guy. I'd see nurse as his job and student as his grade IYSWIM. It's not as if he said "Doctor". I think DH and I were a bit vague about jobs when we first met just because it was not a topic we initially wanted to get bogged down in.

HairyGrotter · 09/01/2012 19:22

My friend started dating a 'nurse' but then found out he had delivered meals on wheels for 2 days before he got fired for saying how disgusted he was at certain practices.

Now THAT is a whopper, she married him though, and he's still a socially challenged idiot.

TBH, that wouldn't bother me overly as he's actually in that 'field' iykwim, and most have placements in hospitals/communities so I guess it's vaguely true.

Leverette · 09/01/2012 19:30

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EllenandBump · 09/01/2012 19:31

He probably has got used to saying it, ie i am the nurse that will be treating you today i am sure they are taught all that sort of stuff, so it probably just comes out, also if he was trying to impress you he was going to say oh i am a student was he? At least he is a student at the job he told you he was doing, it wasnt like he said he was a lawyer but was actually a barman or anything. Iwouldnt make too much of it tbh. x

BistoBear · 09/01/2012 20:31

I'm a student nurse and I would never describe myself as a nurse! Complete no-no.

EllenandBump We have to tell patients we are student nurses, you cannot say you're a nurse. The patient needs to know that you're a student as they have the right to refuse treatment from a student.

Fairenuff · 09/01/2012 20:38

Hmm, I'm not sure. It's a simple question, "What do you do for a living?" Answer, "I'm training to to be a nurse". Why lie? And his reaction when you found out - he said he never lied. Well, that's another lie right there!

If you want to continue this relationship you may have to make it crystal clear that complete honesty is imperative. Then if he lies again, he's out.

mike1May · 09/01/2012 20:45

So when you first met him, he said he was a nurse but didn't elaborate.
I'm sure when you first met him, you said you liked rock music but didn't elaborate, or liked Chinese food but didn't elaborate. Now you're thinking he's a liar and wondering in public whether to risk a possible great future with this guy over absolutely zilch?
Oh come on, for crying out loud. Grow up.

saladcreamwitheverything · 09/01/2012 20:47

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt tbh. It wasn't a gross overestimation of what he does, he just didn't mention the student bit! Make it clear that you don't appreciate dishonesty in a relationship but don't let your previous bad experience make you over react either Smile.

At least he has a uniform for the bedroom Wink

Legobuildingpro · 09/01/2012 20:49

Actually nurse isn't currently a protected title in the uk. So none of the above is correct. He hasn't broken the law by telling you that.

ivykaty44 · 09/01/2012 20:53

are you looking at your past relationship and therefore comparing the two men?

You are much more sensative to lies than other people - purely because you have lived with a compulsive liar and your radar is doing a wizz as this new man has started in the same path - or has he? That is the question only you can answer, are you comfortable with this lie?

if you are comfortable with this lie - then fine. But if you are not comfortable with this then you need to decide whether to get out now or stay and see if it happens again.

AThingInYourLife · 09/01/2012 20:54

It was a casual lie.

And, as you already know from experience, casual liars are not worth having relationships with.

You've nothing invested in this. Move on.

Sparks1 · 09/01/2012 20:55

Seems to me he just didn't want to spring any preconceptions so many people have about students.

When i meet new people and they ask me what i do i say i work in civil engineering. For some reason they then assume i'm a civil engineer...

As for the pedants. It was a date, not a bloody consultation! Over reaction much!

Fairenuff · 09/01/2012 22:14

AThingInYourLife I agree that it might be wise to exercise caution. A casual lie shows habit. There was no reason to lie, nothing to gain for anyone, so why lie?

OP is he embarrassed by what he does, for some reason? Is it the wages, or the trainee position which he thinks might not be 'good enough' for some people? Clutching at straws here, but just trying to think why he would lie.

2ndtimeblues · 09/01/2012 22:18

I don't understand much of this. It wasn't much of a lie because he put it on Facebook. Also, are you saying you've only with him for a few weeks? If so, you can't be that involved can you?

rafreg · 10/01/2012 15:49

Poor man, nurse, student nurse, really what is the difference ?

TheSmallClanger · 10/01/2012 16:00

If it is part of a pattern of lies or odd behaviour, then yes, you should be concerned. Otherwise, probably not.

It does sound as if he might have been being a bit guarded. Some people are funny about students.

OneHandWrapping · 10/01/2012 16:07

I often used to gloss over what I did when I went on dates with new people.
"I work in IT" seemed a lot less off putting than IT Director of a large PLC.

I guess he is just doing the opposite - slightly over-egging a role that might put off prospective partners.

Sad that we both felt we had to modify our occupations to fit society's expectations of suitable male and female roles.

pinkandstripey · 10/01/2012 16:18

I tell people that I've just met (socially etc) that I'm an accountant. I'm actually still in training (although nearly finished!). My last two job titles have been assistant accountant and management accountant (technically I can't call myself a management accountant until I get my letters, but that's what my job title currently is).

As long as my cv says my correct level of training, and I don't tell anyone I'm qualified when I'm not, then I don't see the issue. It's just easier than explaining to randoms about my exams etc!!

If you didn't have a whole conversation about actually being qualified as a nurse, then he hasn't lied IMO, and presumably he does work as a nurse (and he talks about it on fb, so wasn't trying to hide it).

This would in no way be a deal breaker for me Smile

adamschic · 10/01/2012 16:24

He most probably didn't want to put dates off by saying he was a student because they would assume he couldn't pay his way atm. I would let it go but be on my guard for other little lies.

mummytime · 10/01/2012 16:57

I wouldn't panic about this, but if there are several examples of low level untruth's then I might do. But then again how often have you answered the question "How are you?" with "Fine." when you are not? Its even more common if there is something seriously wrong and you just can't go through it all.

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