Seriously, would you take this on??!!

[LovelyLizzie]

Sorry Ladies and Gents, I am in shameless self pity mode.
I've posted about my woes here before so apologies if I'm repeating.

In brief: DH left me for another woman. I started dating a younger man and that ended. I'm on online dating sites but haven't met anyone significant.
I'm 44, I have four kids. I love the bones of them but they are not enough. Does that sound selfish? I want a life partner.
My ex was abusive and I have no self esteem at all. I feel old, fat, ugly. All of the men my age want younger women and the younger men just want sex. My body is a car crash, sometimes I look in the mirror and don't even think I look human, let alone attractive. I am so sexually inexperienced it is a joke. I honestly thought I would be with my ex forever. I don't even feel like I fit into the modern world, dating has changed so much..... It's so superficial and competitive. I know I have good qualities, I am educated, compassionate, strong and wise. A friend of mine said to me today on facebook "yeah, like men give a shit about that lol". It seems that its true.

My family are long lived. Do I have to be alone for the next forty years?
Thank you for listening to me moaning.
Lizzie

Please forgive any spelling errors, I have a touch of dyslexia and really couldn't be arsed to run it through a spell checker

Firstly, lose the friend who could be so unkind and frankly, shallow.

You are 'educated, compassionate, strong and wise.' Wow - that sounds like a person that I would love to know.

Forget dating sites - as you say, it does run on superficial lines. But trust me, most people there - despite their bravado - have their own acute insecurities.

Do you have hobbies, interests? A book club, a film club, rambling.......I am just making suggestions, but what would suit you? Is it possible - I know you have four children. What about getting involved with school things.

You sound like a person who has endured much but now deserves more.

I meant what I said about the friend - really - you must surround yourself with intelligent people who enhance your life and see your wonderful qualities.

Sending support and hope. 2012 is new...this is the time!

Thank you, Punkatheart. Your kind words made me cry a bit. I think I may have a touch of depression. Thanks for your good advice

I am recently single from an abusive relationship too.

And I get you on the self esteem thing - tatters.

I also get you on the young guys just wanting sex.

I also get why you are on dating sites. I did it too. NIce to get a bit of feedback and attention - even, dare I say it sleazy attention.

However, I know you don't want to and know it will be really hard to at the moment.......BUT..........DELETE yourself from those sites. I only mean FOR NOW. While you heal yourself. I think they actually can harm a fragile self esteem further - so why bother at the moment - protect yourself.

Forget about men. Forget the idea that a man will heal your hurt. It is such a cliche but you really do have to go through this pain to feel OK. Take up some exercise plan to get you feeling fantastic, join a book club, join a dance class......ANYTHING that is just about you. And not about validating yourself through a man.

I sound annoying here I realise and I'm sorry about that. Pain is not always a bad thing. It makes you enjoy the good stuff more.

And OF COURSE good stuff will come to you.........be patient. And know that a man will not heal your hurt, only you will.

Well that can be dealt with...maybe some cognitive behaviour therapy or if you really need it, some anti-deps. But most of all, talk on here and listen to the wonderful words of the women here. They have saved my life - made me feel less lonely and ensured that hope replaces that awful black hole.

Remember, you ARE LovelyLizzie - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Not vomiting LadyBlaBlah, just listening. Good advice, thank you. And you did make me smile....

Friend is projecting her own experiences.

I am an LP of 4; i date.

At first, god, it was hideous, i had no idea how. Really, none. After ExH left, I was left with no male friends, I didn't know how to talk to a man, even

I have found it's best to go about your business; you meet people that way, fake some confidence until you actually have it - Fake it until you make it.

Maybem start off with making yourself feel better, otherwise bad men will see your low self esteem and swoop in

so, i'm talking hair appointment, paint your nails. (it worked for me...)

Sexual experience is not the be all of everything - when you meet someone and sex is on the agenda, experience matters none - they WANT to be there with you, not for a porno stylee session

Love yourself first - Really.

Hobbies, try some new ones. Find the "new you", you know the one without your ex and away from your children. Not all men want a springy body and pert assets the one you will want to be with and will want to be with you is not the type of person who wants the above, they too want companionship and a life partner.

Hobbies may help you through depressing times and who knows who you may meet. Good luck, you sound lovely and ignore your silly stupid friend who should now have one less in you!

I agree with Punk. Don't listen to other people's opinions. One person's opinion is another person's rubbish... or something like that, you get my point.

The thing with internet dating is you have to remain openminded and patient. the right person is not going to appear the day you sign up And it is only one tool in your dating belt - keep your options open by getting involved in real life things when you can.

You don't mention when your marriage ended but I don't think you will be on your own forever. Just be a bit patient and also enjoy time to yourself and allow yourself to feel good about yourself too.

Gosh, you girls are responding faster than I can reply!
Punkatheart - I am seeing my GP next week and will ask for CBT
Scorps - I really don't see the point of getting my hair and nails done, I feel like I look so hideous there is not point, maybe that is part of the problem
Figgyrolls, I dont have any hobbies. I lost myself in marriage and kids, now I feel that is all I am
Trickycat - my marriage ended over a year ago but it was dead in the water for about two years before that.
Thank you everyone

I felt that way too, it's part of the depression pit talking, you feel worthless, why would i look nice 'done up', etc

It was the start of my journey of building my confidence up - for myself, not linked to a man (i had a real problem placing my self-worth on a man having to be around me)

I too lost all of myself in being a wife and mother; i have most of myself back now, it was hard getting there

are you brave enough to start a new hobby? I was so scared, but i started to learn to drive and joined a (thankfully busy!) zumba class

These kind of things boost you up as well, show you that YOU CAN DO SOMETHING

Do do your hair and nails, now!

I once worked with a very overweight woman who was a senior manager, very confident, and who made the best of herself. She never had a problem finding a relationship. If you dont value yourself, it is difficult for others to, they pick up on it. It is all part of 'starting somewhere' and beginning to value yourself.

Im not sure whether you work at all? I think work, even voluntary, improves self esteem no end. Even interests from the past which you really loved, and which bring you into contact with others.

Good luck. You are as good and worthwhile as anyone else.

I will think about it Scorps, don't really know what I enjoy anymore. That in itself is a bit worrying. Thank you

Okay, I think you need to start being kind to yourself and build up your self worth, forget men for the time being. The poster who said internet dating can make you feel worse is right, on a bad day it can chip away at your confidence. Start doing stuff for you, not as a mum, but stuff that would make you happy. I hope you see your doctor and start to feel better, I know where you are. (emotionally, not in real life!)

Fiveenthree, I don't work, my youngest is three and although she is of an age where I could leave her with a childminder, I have had difficulty in finding work. Voluntary is a good idea though, might get a reference out of it.

Sweetheart. I have 4 kids. I am also out of an abusive marriage. I also feel my body looks like a car crash. I have been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Best advice I can give you is go and do your hair/nails. Put make up on every day. Like someone said up the thread, fake it til you make it.

You won't be on your own forever, unless you choose to be. There's loads of men out there, you just have to be picky . Remember, they need to be damn lucky and good to get within a million miles of your bed.

Chin up.

Oh and ditch the friend. She's not. (a friend that is)

It is fun finding out what you enjoy though !

A really good exercise that is proven to work REALLY WELL in lifting self esteem and confidence and lowering depression, is everyday before you go to bed, write down 3 GOOD things that happened to you that day.

It sounds ludicrous but it makes you concentrate on the good things rather than the bad stuff and is proven in numerous studies to lower depression.

So, number 1 good thing for you today is that you got some really kind messages on Mumsnet. All people are not bad

It is really hard to do when you are a depressed / down so you might find it hard for the first week. But honestly it works a treat.

Could number 2 be "I painted my nails and they looked AMAZING" ?

PS I have a boyfriend now, having done the dating thing.

He is caring and lovely and good for me and he's gorgeous and as I mentioned on another thread he is damn good at cunnilingus and he's happy to "take me on". Actually, if he viewed it as "taking me on" he'd be taking a taxi. To the far side of fuck.

You're as good as anyone and better than most - remember that

CBT plus a bit of TLC would be a good way to start. I agree with the posters who suggest hair/nails etc.

And I'd dump that FB frenemy quick smart, and others like her.

An article about '3 good things' to show I am not completely barking

Thank you everone, such wise words. I know I shouldn't be dating, and I know I should be working on myself. In the back of my head I have a voice telling me that the only man I have ever loved left me, no one is attracted to me, and it will only get worse as I get older. I guess I come over as desperate which is pretty unattractive. I'm seriously ugly though, lots of women say that and aren't. I am, and I do feel men are focused on looks. I will take your advice and try to find out who I am. Thank you.

You only think you are seriously ugly, because you have been probably conditioned to think that (they put you in that place VERY well)

I have 4dc too, ranging from 2 - 9. It is hard to find the time for yourself to do 'pretty' things, but try to. I know i must sound like a right pink fluffy girl, but put on the shell, the cover - and one day you won't put it on, it will remain there

Like most mothers of 4, (and actually, just mothers of any dc!) i used to just dress in comfy things - now i enjoy fashion and am currently sporting a bright red bob (so brave for me - a year ago i had very long unkempt natural hair) - it is just about faking it til you make it

Do you get any DC free time?

I used to hate mine. Literally walk the ho9use, crying, anting their noise and little bodies

Now, it's roll on saturday! Have greatly expanded my social network, and actually now rarely have time to myself. I date, i have male friends ;), but not 'someone' - haven't found anyone good enough for ME

I used to hate mine. Literally walk the ho9use, crying, anting their noise and little bodies

Eh.. hate to be a naysayer but... WTF ???

OP my view would be your children are your first priority, along with yourself, not finding a man.

What's the problem? Sorry, had a few typos - but was just expressing how at first, my child free time felt awful, I did not know who I was when they weren't around.

Scorps means she hated her child free time - wanting the kids around and the noise.

Helltotheno - I am sure that the OP's priority is her children. it is just that she would like a bit more in her life than the routine of running a family. Anything that makes her more happy - and she has talked about doing things for herself, not to get a man - will surely make her family life happier too.