Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't talk about this anywhere else..........

44 replies

mrseverything · 09/01/2012 10:38

..........mainly because nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen but sadly I have no one I can trust completely to talk this through with and my head will explode if I can't get it out somehow.

I have a wonderful husband of 12 years and 2 gorgeous girls 4 and 7 we have the same ups and downs as any couple, a bit of debt, work too hard, etc. but the main problem is that for the past couple of years although I love him to bits I just don't feel sexually attracted to my partner anymore. We have sex once a month ( if that) and they only way I derive satisfaction is by thinking about someone else. The problem is that this "someone else" is someone I know and work with and to be honest there has been a mutual attraction there for 5+ years. He is also married with children and and a gorgeous wife so I know that the whole thing is a non - starter and only really about sex anyway but it is becoming an obsession and I don't know how to handle it. I suppose what I'm hoping is that someone on here will have been through this and found a solution ( and no sleeping with my colleague is not the solution I'm looking for) but the chemistry in the room when we are working together is overwhelming at times.

The truth is I know that if I said to this work mate ...lets go to a hotel that he would

I am not religious so please don't anyone suggest praying...but all other ideas are welcome x

OP posts:
pollyblue · 09/01/2012 10:54

Change your job?

you've got two issues here - the crap sex life with your DH (does he know how you feel/share your feelings about it?) and the mutual attraction with your work colleague. You really need to sort out (counselling?) the sex problems with your DH - then see how you feel about your colleague. But really, as he's married too, that's potentially a whole can of worms....Do you really want to scupper your relationship with your DH, who you otherwise describe as 'wonderful'?

Original poster
mrseverything · 09/01/2012 11:09

no I don't....... and as I said I have no intention of doing anything with the work colleague regardless of how good or bad my relationship is with DH. I am not young and naive enough to think I am "in love" with this man ...to be honest it is all about lust and I know it. But its powerful and heady and doing my head in. Job changing isn't an option as it is my company.

I have had crushes on people before and have managed to get through them mentally without acting out on them but this one just doesn't seem to want to go away. Weirdly just typing this is easing the whole thing a bit.

OP posts:
whatstheetiquette · 09/01/2012 11:10

Make sure that nothing happens. Lots of people who start workplace affairs start out by saying that nothing is going to happen, even refusing the advances of the affair partner for months/years before something actually does happen.

Is it an option for you to change your job?

Otherwise, read the relationships board about workplace affairs. The chemistry you feel can be a result of enjoying working together, having no domestic pressures or children at work etc etc. The workplace affair is a cliche, a very dangerous one. My DH had a workplace affair. I cannot describe the amount of damage caused.

ClaraSage · 09/01/2012 11:34

How do you know that if you said ''let's go to a hotel'' he would? Slightly confused her. You say he has a gorgeous wife so it's a non starter. Is he leading you on ?

Malificence · 09/01/2012 11:45

Here's a nice big dose of "grow up you silly moo", you are an adult, fully in control of your faculties, yes?

Crushes are for silly teenagers.
Either work at your marriage or get out of it, it's really that simple.

Original poster
mrseverything · 09/01/2012 11:47

I know because of comments he has made in the past ....I just rebuffed them with banter .....the reality is that in my working life I am well aware of how common having sex with work colleagues is. Nearly every company I have worked at has had its fair share "extra marital sex" going on. I think what I was trying to get across was that I don't want a relationship with this man, and I'm pretty sure that he doesn't with me ( hence the comment about his wife being gorgeous , which she is and my DH being wonderful which he is) However, this doesn't change the way being around him makes me feel which is what I am trying to find a way to deal with.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/01/2012 11:49

Are you really sure this "chemistry" is not simply one-sided ?

Crushes, especially when you are lacking intimacy at home, can sometimes be built up into something they are not

Just ride it out, don't say anything to anybody and I guarantee you will look back on this and feel very foolish indeed

talk to your husband about the rut you appear to be in

Original poster
mrseverything · 09/01/2012 11:50

No Malifence it isn't that simple.

I have no intention of acting on these feelings and that I made clear in my original post but was merely asking for people who had been a similar situation how they had dealt with their feelings

OP posts:
ClaraSage · 09/01/2012 11:50

But he is giving you mixed messages (or else you are giving us mixed messages). What comments has he made? And, as for his wife being gorgeous, well, she may be but probably doesn't think he is.

Original poster
mrseverything · 09/01/2012 11:53

AnyFucker ....yes you are right in may indeed not be chemistry at all and I intend to " ride it out" so to speak.

But I don't know I just can't believe I am the only woman who has had feelings like this in the world ...there must be others out there who have felt the same way as me. I get that to act on it would be wrong , but how I feel is just that....how do you switch that off or do you just have to wait until it goes away ?

OP posts:
pollyblue · 09/01/2012 11:54

Do you think that, as the attraction has been there for so long, it's gone beyond being something you can deal with on your own? you said it was helping to write it down on here, would counselling on your own to talk through your feelings be an idea? Maybe once you've got a grip on your feelings and sense of perceptive you'll be better place to start tackling the sex issue between you and your DH.

Malificence · 09/01/2012 11:58

It is that simple, you can choose to switch off those feelings, but you are enjoying the rush far too much.
If you put as much effort into getting the attraction for your husband back as you do daydreaming about Mr unavailable fucking you over the desk, your marriage might stand a chance.

YuleingFanjo · 09/01/2012 12:00

I find people in work attractive all the time, no doubt some of them are crazy blind enough to feel the same about me, but I don't give it a second thought really. If you love your husband talk to him about the lack of sex.

Are you suggesting that because you find it difficult to raise with him you may as well give in to the sexual feelings you have for another person? because that's just displaying a massive lack of self-control.

We see loads of examples of men who claim 'it was only sex' or ask if it's really cheating if it was just sex since their wives weren't putting out enough. The advice to a woman in the same circumstances is just the same... don't even contemplate cheating and definitely don't go blaming it on a lack of sex. That's really unfair on your husband.

feelokaboutit · 09/01/2012 12:00

Hi mrseverything - i have had a long crush on someone (more of a one-sided teenage type of crush) and the only thing that has made it go away is seeing the person in question much much less (which happened through circumstance) - this is not an option for you as it is your company, but don't know what else to suggest. Is it possible that this person will soon look for work elsewhere, or could he be posted to another department???

Original poster
mrseverything · 09/01/2012 12:01

ClaraSage, this is just about sex plain and simple. I know that. Good old fashioned lust, nothing mixed about it. In truth if we were both were single we'd probably have a couple of one nighters and that we would be that and in thinking whilst writing it is probably because this isn't an option why the tension is there. .....grrrrrr just cross my legs time I think.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/01/2012 12:02

You won't be the first, or the last, mrs

Only the really silly people do something about it, that's all

polly makes a good suggestion

your marriage certainly sounds like it needs some attention, from both of you

would your h agree to go to joint counselling (you wouldn't have to say this specific thing prompted your request, if you didn't want to)

although, there are very good reasons for you coming clean with your h too...perhaps to make him relaise quite how distant you are becoming in your marriage ?

if he is a good man, he would see it as a wake-up call, yes ? as should you..

having said that, I asoo agree with mal to a certain extent that you should be having a strong word with yourself

Original poster
mrseverything · 09/01/2012 12:13

I've had many strong words with myself and everything everyone has said here is totally as I would have expected ......and what I would say to me too. My first husband had an affair and left me over it after 8 years of marriage so I am only too aware of the damage this stuff causes. I think in the past though when i have fancied other men and I have been already in a relationship I seem to have been able to let it go and move on, the reason I posted today was that I am finding it hard to shake this one and just needed to get it out there. DH and I have got into a rut this is true and are caught up in all the day to day shit that goes with having busy careers and a young family. What I do find hard is that despite counselling I still don't fancy my DH and this is what makes sex an issue not the fact that he doesn't want it ( as someone suggested) in fact he would have it every day.

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 09/01/2012 12:14

is there no way for him to leave your company? maybe talk to him frankly that the atmosphere is unhealthy and affects your work, and he might consider going elsewhere with good refs?
I get it very much, OP - I don't know how people think it's easy to just switch it off, and also switch on for the husband (though counselling may help in long term). I don't think you'll manage with OM being around all the time - it's hell.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2012 12:17

you don't fancy your husband at all ?

you think you never will again ?

oh dear

never mind this daft crush, you may be best to start asking yourself can you stay in your marriage

becuase if it isn't this carcrash, it will be another

and perhaps the next one won't be quite such a decent guy, sniff out your vulnerability to having your nethers tweaked head turned and move in for the kill

likeatonneofbricks · 09/01/2012 12:19

as to desire ofr your H - if it's ever been good before, then ther may be a psychological reason why it's gone for you, which counselling might help to discover - you need time and a good counsellor though). Or is it the physical change in him/the way he behaves in bed specifically? again, can be learned etc, but if he's the same physically andin bed and lust gone, than try to find the mental reason. Possibly you tend to be attracted to the unavailable?

Original poster
mrseverything · 09/01/2012 12:19

Sooo.......changing tack a bit and acknowledging that I wouldn't achieve any sort of long term satisfaction by shagging my work colleague .....how do you start to fancy your husband again once those feelings have gone?

OP posts:
Hassled · 09/01/2012 12:25

You fancied your DH once so unless he's had a radical change of appearance since then I'm sure you can get that back - all that's stopping you is the crush. Take crush out of the equation and things may well sort themselves out - the difficulty is that consciously or not, you're comparing them all the time.

But I have no idea how you stop the crush - any I've had along the way have just sort of burned themselves out on their own after a few weeks. 5+ years of a crush is a whole different thing. Is there anything you can do to reduce contact?

Helltotheno · 09/01/2012 12:30

It's a tough one op and I'd say it happens to many people but they just have trouble admitting it. You could try telling your dh how you feel, without actually being as blunt as to say 'I don't fancy you any more'. Maybe out of that conversation, you might both decide to go to counselling to see what can be done about it.

You owe it to your marriage to put as much work as you can in before giving up on it. Re your question, 'can I fancy my dh again', there's no definite yes or no that anyone can give, but at least if you've given it your best shot, your conscience will be clear. Maybe you just need to get some time together and try and re-discover each other.

The work colleague is a red herring really; lots of people have crushes and just get on with it. Guy sounds like a bit of a player which would put me off personally.

Original poster
mrseverything · 09/01/2012 12:33

My first marriage was about lust then love. We were young in our teens and early 20's and it was all about attraction. To be honest we were never compatible in so many other areas the rows were horrendous but it was extremely passionate and exciting. When my first husband left I was 27 and devestated ( for years) and was single for years too as a result.

Fast forward to my thirties and I meet DH completely opposite to first partner. I felt safe and secure. He is intelligent and good company but if I'm truthful sex was and has always been very secondary in the relationship. I fancied him though but it has never been rip your clothes off type stuff. Add 2 kids and a crazy working life and I suppose having sex sort of became too exhausting and too much of an effort. He occasionally says we don't have sex often enough but then we do and things just move on.

Initially I thought it was a low selfesteem/sex drive thing on my part , until I started realising that I was getting turned on by thoughts of this other man. I really want to fancy my DH but don't know how to.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrseverything · 09/01/2012 12:36

Please don't get me wrong...I have no intention of leaving my marriage -whether we have sex or not. Love and sex are not the same thing in my book. It would be lovely to have both though.

OP posts: