Can't talk about this anywhere else..........

[mrseverything]

..........mainly because nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen but sadly I have no one I can trust completely to talk this through with and my head will explode if I can't get it out somehow.

I have a wonderful husband of 12 years and 2 gorgeous girls 4 and 7 we have the same ups and downs as any couple, a bit of debt, work too hard, etc. but the main problem is that for the past couple of years although I love him to bits I just don't feel sexually attracted to my partner anymore. We have sex once a month ( if that) and they only way I derive satisfaction is by thinking about someone else. The problem is that this "someone else" is someone I know and work with and to be honest there has been a mutual attraction there for 5+ years. He is also married with children and and a gorgeous wife so I know that the whole thing is a non - starter and only really about sex anyway but it is becoming an obsession and I don't know how to handle it. I suppose what I'm hoping is that someone on here will have been through this and found a solution ( and no sleeping with my colleague is not the solution I'm looking for) but the chemistry in the room when we are working together is overwhelming at times.

The truth is I know that if I said to this work mate ...lets go to a hotel that he would

I am not religious so please don't anyone suggest praying...but all other ideas are welcome x

Well if this crush has been going on for 5 years, I can see how it might have talked you out of fancying your husband, kind of a drip-drip slow but deadly erosion of feelings.

Write down exactly why you don't fancy your husband. Compare it with when you did fancy him, assuming that is that you didn't do the 'oh, he's not a bastard like the last one and he'll always be faithful' routine on yourself, to persuade you to marry him. Generating lust and attraction that was never really there is impossible I'd say. Re-capturing what you started with or had for a long time is though, entirely possible, as long as there are no impediments....

if you are determined to stay in your marriage, even without fancying your husband, then you will be vulnerable to having your head turned

this thread being case in point

you can't force yourself to fancy someone

do you think you "settled" in your marriage, chose someone the polar opposite of your first h ?

Ah, cross-posted.....so do you think you settled then?

Might be also because you associate sex with drama and high-octane romance? Counselling could help with that.

Anyfucker....I've thought about that, the whole "settling" thing I certainly was not going to go down the route of DH#1 again but if I did choose an opposite in #2 then it was subconciously. I was really cautious about getting into another long term relationship after the first one, I did fancy him - just not in the crazy way I suppose was familiar and the first couple of years were great - I have found being a mum and wife has really affected our relationship though and maybe that's head stuff I have to deal with.

Hattytown .......that sounds scarily on the money. Can counselling really help with that ?....I mean change what turns you on ?

OP, I've been in a similar situation re: the crush and the chemistry. It was so electric between us that I'm pretty sure all our colleagues knew

It eventually fizzled out after he left the firm and moved out of the area. We kept in touch for a couple of years, though, sporadically, but eventually I stopped contacting him after he did something that pissed me off and I haven't heard from him now in over a year.

As regards your husband, do you ever spend any time together away from home, without the kids? (Date night, weekends away...) With my ex, those were the only times I ever really had any attraction for him, or interest in sex. When the pressures and responsibilities of day-to-day life weren't around...

are you prepared to give up on your marriage? Do you want to give up on your marriage? If the answer is no then it really is a straight forward call..... you stop thiinking of this other man in any other way other than a work friendship. You need to start thinking about the things that actually piss you off about him....and there will be some, trust me!! How about how familiar he can be with you when in other peoples pressence? (if you own the business, this would be unacceptable!) the way he treats customers/other work colleagues? the way he treats/talks about his wife/children/friendships outside of work??? You need to generalise him with every other male rather than some very fancible guy who flirts with you (very unacceptable to the wife, as his partner wouldn't that piss you off?)

And whilst doing this, you really really need to try and start thinking about your husband. Maybe not in a "i need to start fancying him" sort of way, but how about a loving start? Think about what he does good for "the family", how he treat's you/family with love, how he will always put you above his own needs. Watch him, really watch him, see how he reacts to situations, what makes him smile (is it the same as you?) how you make him feel when you are close etc.... and maybe as you start to fall in love with him, the fancying side will come back?

And if you really don't think you would have a gut wrenching ordeal if he was to turn around tonight and say we need time apart because my feeling for you have changed and i need to consider if i can be with someone who doesn't give/show me the love i deserve, ..... then leave!

But try to rule anything out of your head with this man, as i think after a 5yr attraction, if any good was to come of it, it would have alreaady happened!

Oh wow...yes Mumofjz amazing post ....you are so right and i have just been so "can't see the wood for the trees" that anything practical like you suggest had just gone right out the window.

My perspective has been so all over the place this is exactly why I wrote my op in the first place to get help and advice from people who are thinking straight when I am not

Thank you x

Yes counselling could help with that, but not the bog-standard kind. Pyscho-sexual therapy might be what you need. Think of it like a faulty bit of wiring. Somewhere along the line you learnt that eroticism meant pain, uncertainty, high drama - given the crush too, maybe even illicitness and 'forbidden fruit'.
Your ex might be the same, given he had an affair. The difference with you is that you don't want to be like that and would prefer the whole sex and love package.

Have you ever discussed your 'sex associations' with your husband? This takes it away from the personal and could remove a lot of hurt in that it's not about him as an individual, but about you and your erotic triggers. At the moment he might think this is about him, or about you not being motivated by sex. If you've worked with this man for 5 years, he might even have twigged your crush and feel a bit sad about that.

Mrs I know exactly where you are coming from. I have had a 'crush' on a friend for around two years and to start with my feelings were intense. I realised that it was seriously affecting my marriage and so decided to stop. It wasn't easy but I have tried to see him less or see him for what he is. Ie normal and nothing special. In my case the feelings are not reciprocated AFAIK.
I also love my DH and do not want us to split up but our sex life had tailed off too. I think in our case it is a combination of his work stress, our lives diverging (we met at work but I am now a SAHM), small children so less opportunity, day to day annoyances getting in the way, me feeling unsupported due to his frankly stupid work hours and also I think a change in me physically... My hormones are all over the place and my 'cycle' now has a huge impact on how 'up' for it I am. Sorry if TMI. I am 42.
We probably have sex once or twice a month but we try to make it quality not quantity.
What helped me to fancy him again was to start doing things again that brought us together in the first place. In our case outdoorsy stuff, camping and walking etc. But I guess anything that you originally enjoyed together would help!
I never had that OMG massive lust thing with my DH either but we did have a very good sex life before and oddly after DC until I stopped BF the smallest when my hormone thing kicked in.
I know you say you feel lust for OM but just keep reminding your self that after a year or so with anyone new it does calm down and you would loose that again anyway. It is just a combination of the unknown, illicitness and novelty. That never lasts forever.
Sorry that was loooong...

:) Good luck Mrseverything and hope you enjoy the rest of your life :)

It's a bit of mental escapism and nothing else, enjoy it ... and keep it at that.

No Happypiglet long is good :) I am 45 and hormonally all over the shop. In fact was beginning to wonder whether I could be approaching menopause and this might have an added to the problem with DH. Hattytown kind of hit a nail though. Sex was always about high drama and passion before DH and then when we got together it wasn't but it was still spontaneous and carefree. Now with complicated careers and children it has become very regimented and has to be planned and arranged ....quite often when I am at my least horny. Coupled with the fact that DH isn't the most romantic bloke in the world and has put on a lot of weight I just dread the whole thing. I get that something needs to change but really don't know where to start. I think Mumofjz has some great suggestions though and I will be looking at the counselling thing. I think I was just hoping to connect with people who understood and I am glad to discover I have x

how old are the dc's ?

DH and I went through a bit of a "dry spell" a few years back, but now our dc's are older and doing their own thing, we get more sex "us" time and we have re-connected much more

I am 46, so similar age

I was in a similiar situation many years ago with a married work colleague. Other colleagues did notice and rumours were rife because of the chemistry between us - he made no secret of the fact he found me very attractive and - well 'wouldnt mind' so to speak. l was very very unhappy in my own marriage at the time and whenever l had to relent and have occasional sex (bleugh) with my (now ex) husband l also pretended it was him.

l did become almost obsessed with this man and absolutely lived for seeing him at work. Nothing ever happened and we never met outside work. Looking back l think it was just a form of escapism from the misery of my marriage at that time and had l been happy in my marriage it would not have been anything like such a big deal to me although we were great friends aswell and got on very well outside of the chemistry iyswim so l am sure we still would have been friends with just a bit of a spark really.

There is nothing worse for a woman than having sex with a man she doesnt or no longer finds attractive and many women no doubt use this tactic of thinking of someone else to get through it until they end up eventually escaping the situation as inevitably most realise they must at some point. l am not saying sex is everything or we cant go through bad patches in that or any dept for that matter - but it is a deal breaker when that side of things has gone imo - no matter how good the rest of the relationship is..

OP have you got a timeline in your head about when you stopped fancying your DH? Because you may, subconsciously, have been withdrawing from sex with your DH in order to give yourself permission to flirt (and more) with your work colleague (as Hattytown said in her post ^^)

I have had two affairs and, like you, thought I had 'settled' for DH (who is also not romantic!). I was a few years older than you when I had my first affair and know now that menopausal symptoms played their part in what I chose to do. I think the thing that you said about OM's wife being gorgeous says a lot about how you feel about yourself, too. And I would say from experience that, for some men, having a gorgeous wife will not stop him cheating if the opportunity presents itself.

You have been given great advice on here which has obviously struck a chord with you. Counselling would be a good place to start for you just to get some of your thoughts aired about your first marriage, and where you find yourself at the moment. Whatever you do, please don't even consider a fling with your work colleague. Nothing is worth the pain and heartache you will cause yourself and others if you go down that route.

Just to add my exh was a twat - the rest of my relationship with my exh was pretty grim by then - unlike your situation OP.

Anyfucker....DC's are 4 and 7 so I am a mature mummy ( well physically anyway) which has added to the tiredness. I think all along I have known that I need to sort out what is going on between me and DH but got completely sidetracked by the way I felt about OM, the thing is I had assumed it was my sex drive that was up the creak and when I started having feelings for this bloke in the office I realised that it wasn't my drive but what turns me on that seems to be the issue. Sex took a bit of a dive after DH and I got married but really went down hill after the kids were born and has never really recovered. I did have counselling after DC1 because I was depressed but never really got to the crux of the sex stuff. I know DH would like our sex life to improve and I owe it to him and me to try but I have just got a bit stuck thats all x

Oh, mrs, when my kids were 4 and 7 our sex life a was a bit rubbish

what do you think you might try ?

he has to try too, you know

it takes two to make a humdrum sex life

firstly, it would be fair to inform him of what he's up against, tbh

so, it's a level playing field'n'all

it wouldn't be right, if he has no clue about quite how fed up you really are

you wouldn't have to tell specifics, just that you really think you are in a rut and that you are maybe both in danger of beng so in the doldrums you fear for your future relationship