I have no friends - any advice please?

[mumat39]

Hello

Before I start, I just want to say that i'm really not looking for sympathy and if it's really wierd to not have any friends then it'd be good to hear the cold hard truth, if you know what I mean?!!

Right, I am a 43 year old mum of 2 young kids and after 4 and a bit years of being a stay at home mum I find myself without any friends. I have a loving partner and lovely kids but feel quite lonely as I don't really have any friends at all.

By way of some history, I got married when I was 20 and moved to a different area and gradually lost touch with my school friends. At school, I wasn't really best friends with anyone and always felt like I was a spare part. I got on with alot of people and had a laugh, but I was always on the outside of any real friendships.

I did go to a Polytechnic to do a HND but met my ex there in the first few weeks and was one of those naive so and so's and spent all my time with him so didn't really get to know anyone. He was my first love and I was besotted. Looking back I realise now that I was infact besotted by the fact that someone actually had noticed or liked me. He also used to say, Friends aren't important and although I didn't believe that I guess it somehow affected me.

Things didn't work out and after about 11 years we separated and divorced. I am very happy that we did as it was not a good situation I found myself in.

In my working life I met alot of lovely people, but again didn't make any best friends. There were lots of people I considered as friends. When I stopped working to have my first baby, I managed to stay in touch with people for about 2 years. One day I realised that it was me that was the one keeping in touch and making the contact so I just felt a bit sorry for myself and stopped. Not for any reason other than I felt a bit sad by that fact. That decision has backfired a bit and for the last 2 years I haven't had any contact with any of the people I considered friends from work. On New Years Eve 2010, I sent loads of texts to them all wishing them a happy new year. I had lots of replies back. New Years Eve 2011, I didn't send any texts as we had my sisters and cousins over and I remember thinking oooh I wonder if anyone's texted me. I checked my phone and no one had :-(

For that last 3 1/2 years my life has been focused completely on my children. My daughter who is 4 had her first, very serious allergi reaction to a baby rusk and ended up in hospital for the night. Since then we have discovered so many other foods as well as things like cats and polled, that we don't really have 'normal' lives.

I have lived in fear of her having another reaction and as a result we never eat out as a family. If we go anywhere we have to take meals with us. My son who is 2 also has a sinsitive system so he has the same foods as my daughter, fo my sanity more than anything else. My anxiety got so bad that my GP put me onto antidepressants and they have been my firend (yay!)

I am so envious of people who can just go out and 'grab' something to eat from a cafe or restaurant.

So, my life has become very isolated over the years and I often wonder what is wrong with me? Am I just an easily forgetable person. Or am I wierd.

I'm not very confident to just go up to people and start chatting. For example, we live on a street of terraced houses and if I see the neighbours chatting to each other, I'll be desparate to go and say hello, but I'll look up, smile and then quietly go back in, if I've ventured out to put the bins out. I always feel like I'm getting in the way, or I'm interrupting them.

Also, I find that if there is someone that I think hasn't warmed to me I find myself trying really hard to make an effort so they do like me. What I wish I could do was just accept that that's fine and not worry. I also worry about how I look and not being good enough sometimes and am too embarrassed to leave the house.

Not having anyone to talk to, makes all this even harder so I'm on here to ask for advice from anyone who might be able to help. I'm not asking for pity, just some practical tips on how to maybe work on how I come across or what I might be doing wrong? I'm so so sad about this and almost feel transported back to being an awkward teen and feeling and wish that I just had a best friend.

I really hope I don't sound too pathetic. I feel it but I'm hoping someone will be able to shed some light on what might be wrong with me. :-(

Many Thanks in advance

xxx

Hello Mumat

I have no advice, I just wanted to let you know I am exactly the same and I'll be watching the thread with interest.

I talk to people and I'm not too shy but it never goes any further than that.

I have two friends and as they have lots of friends I don't see them often so I would love more friends.

Even at work I am able to have conversations with people but I have never managed to turn that into a friendship.

I have no idea what I am doing wrong either.

Hi
I just wanted to say firstly that you sound lovely, Ialso wondered if what happened in your previous relationship had damaged your confidence somewhat and has perhaps made you more anxious around new people
secondly - It seems to me that you need to get out there to meet new people - maybe voluntary work or p/t wk something you can do regularly - helping out at your local charity shop just for a couple of hours would be a great way to meet people.

I have just moved to a new country over a year ago and found it very difficult to meet people but slowly through joining a baby and toddler group and volunteering for a youth club I started to make friends. Just give people a chance - take your time it is not a race and people will see and appreciate that you have a kind heart - may I wish you a year filled with frindships.

Do either of your children attend any kind of nursery or group? Meeting other mothers who have children of the same age will give you something to have in common with them. It doesn't matter if you are the same age as them or not.

Invite a Mum and child over for afternoon tea and you will get time to chat a little and in that way make a friend. You can ensure that the food is correct for your childred. It will take away some of the stress for you.

My kids are old now (adults) but that was the way I made friends with people.

Hello. I did a very similar post to yours a month or so ago and funnily enough I just popped on now to update it and read new replies. I saw this thread and couldn't not reply even though I have no advice to add.

You're not alone in how you feel. And I've learnt through the thread I started that there are a surprising number of us on here that feel the way we do. For the moment I've given up on friends, and am just trying to enjoy my own company and my own space. That was the only possible solution for me, with how I was feeling at the point in time when I decided to do this, but may not be the right thing for you? I know how you feel about making all the effort and then no one reciprocates if you don't make the effort. During my "break" from friendships I am shocked - but not surprised - at the people that haven't made any effort to contact me and it's brought my friendships with those to an abrupt end as it was always me making the effort to meet and making arrangements.

Just wanted to offer you my support even though I don't have any solutions.

Hello PinkandPurplePirate

Thanks for your reply. I just found your post and reading the opening post, it could be me that you're writing about!!! Apart from the fact that I don't have ANY friends at all really. I haven't read beyond that but I am going to after I've replied to you.

I wish I'd seen your post earlier. I've been thinking about asking about this for ages but have felt too embarrassed.

Thanks so much.
xxx

It's amazing how similar our situations are isn't it?

I've just been for a counselling session tonight and my counsellor said she thinks I probably come across in my body language as nervous or not relaxed and that people pick up on this. I feel like I'm not able to be myself with people I don't know, I just don't know why this is. Fear of rejection probably. We're working on that at the moment, and she's also told me to keep going with the weeding of negative people out of my life. Have you had any counselling at all? I've found it helps. Not necessarily with the friends thing but for increasing my self esteem and making me be a friend to myself. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat in more detail xx

Idon't have any friends either :(

I thought your post was very articulate and emotionally intelligent. Just going by your MN name, ime loneliness can be heightened by having children as you lose who you are for a bit, become just 'mum', losing contact with the old you who had so many freedoms before dc came along. Always found 'mum chat' a bit inane and superficial, as after all what's in common is the ability to spawn! The difficulty, I find, is in making time beyond what needs to be done, for me - in fact, I don't. I go to work, I look after the children, work some more, look after the house, sleep. It's a lot easier if you have family on your doorstep, as by virtue you usually have access to free childcare on an ad hoc basis to allow you to pursue an interest or hobby where you meet like minded people and also, through them, a whole network of people you know. If you don't have this then it can feel isolating.

I think you are not alone.

I think it's an all too easy trap to fall into tbh, and especially if you're not working it's hard to get to meet people.

I have very few friends, and we've recently moved and I've found myself totally isolated and have completely lost all my confidence wrt going out and getting to know people.

But someone very wise (and who I consider a friend) said to me, don't focus on making friends, just focus on getting out and the rest will happen, and they are so right. If you focus too much on something it becomes all-consuming, and in truth it's not necessarily the be-all and end-all.

And often if you look at people who claim to have massive groups of friends, they are often superficial and shallow and probably wouldn't be there for one another in a crisis. Are those the kind of friends you want?

And I meant to say you don't sound weird at all but really lovely and thoughtful.

Erm, a plan of action?

Make a plan, to actually physically Stop! and pass the time of day (30 seconds min to start off with) with your neighbours/people you know by sight - if even you think you are in the way, they won't begrudge you that (and I bet they dont think that anyway!) and sometimes conversation will be brief and sometime it'll be longer, especially the more you do it, so they know you are chatty and approachable. It can be about anything e.g. just been up to hospital with dd and the docs were lovely/you can't believe how much it costs to park...anything really.

Don't be ageist about potential friendships, there are plenty of elderly people on their own, probably near you who are lonely. One of my loveliest friends is 77. She was a neighbour, now widowed and moved away, but she phones me every week, I phone her the next and I pop over to see her when I can. I tell her everything!

If you get any spare time(!) maybe look at the MeetUp online, which as it suggests, helps people get together with a common interest. Sometimes activities where you can hide behind the kids a bit is good, like Tumbletots, so you can still be sociable and chatty but dive off to help dc not dive off the high beam.

Am not saying these approaches guarantee life long friendships but being friendly and approachable for some people, and I include myself in this, is like a muscle that you train, the more you do it the easier it becomes. And it so depends on the environment, at work my dept and I get on like a house on fire, but out of that arena I find it much much harder, even sometimes with my own family.

Say hi to me and everyone else on this thread when you see them on MN!

Can I be added to the 'no mates' list? What you said about losing touch with people because you realise it's only you making the effort describes me to a tee.
People have just fallen away over the years, not helped by the fact we all tend to move around these days. But some people seem to do this and still manage to keep up old friendships .
I am actually quite frequently in group situations, sometimes with people I've known for years, but nothing ever changes - and I have made suggestions to meet up etc but either never been reciprocated or flat refused.
As others have said, though, I'm trying the approach of not trying - not that I particularly tried hard before - can't risk looking desperate, can we? It is more difficult in that respect when your DCs are little, so I feel for you.

I have a few friends, but it is me that does all the running. On the other hand DH and I struggle to have any friends at all as a couple. WE occasionally go out with people he works with but his old school friends are just really hard work, they never ring us, if we ring them they say we must meet and they will ring back about dates, but never do. We are nice people and used to go oh short holidays with this little group. Once the children arrived and some of us got dogs too we were too big a group for holidays and used to meet up at Christmas, now we don't even do that. I've suggested to DH that he accepts we have to be pro active but quite frankly after you have contacted people 3 times and are still getting nowhere it seems like time to give up.

Mumat and LoadOf, I'm 28 and have one DS and am in exactly the same boat. Not sure what to suggest except online friendship which can be helpful at filling the gaps somewhat, though it's no replacement for the real thing.

Could you make yourself a list of socialising mini-goals and book-end them with rewards for yourself or by telling your partner what you're up to before or after so that he can cheer you on?

Maybe don't start by concentrating too hard on making friends as such but just on building your social confidence e.g. getting better at making very brief small talk.

Perhaps when you next see your neighbours you could stop and ask them a random query about something you'd like to know locally or something that's happened or perhaps even walk over with something you are throwing out asking if they or anyone they know would like it? As poster said above voluntary work is a good way to build up your social confidence.

I think its great that you've identified that you would love to speak to your neighbours. What's the worst that could happen? I'm sure that taking some mini social risks will outweigh any mini-rejections in the long run. Once the search has begun something will be found. Good luck you can do it !!

oh and don't worry about the new year texting thing--I think its fallen out of fashion so I'm sure you weren't being snubbed.

Ahhhh. Wereabouts are you? Can I join the club? Whenever I make new pals, they generally emigrate (hopefully nothing to do with me!).

Yes---what Wannabe has said...."But someone very wise (and who I consider a friend) said to me, don't focus on making friends, just focus on getting out and the rest will happen, and they are so right. If you focus too much on something it becomes all-consuming, and in truth it's not necessarily the be-all and end-all."

Gosh! Thanks you all SO much for your replies. You all sound so so lovely.

ColonelBrandon, thank you for your kind words, and everyone else too. It is really very much appreciated.

I guess I'm not so focussed on making friends right now. I was more feeling like why don't I have any.

I will try and chat more to my neighbours. Last time I did there were two of us and then another came up and I thought cool, and then like PinkandPirateGirl says in her post, they started chatting and I was kinda left out, and then stood there like a lemon, not wanting to interrupt or butt in to say bye. That's just daft isn't it. I will try and do it more.

I think I have low self esteem and probably always have since I was a child. I always felt that my sister was more interesting than me. I beacme the joker but I think she has closer friends. SHe's very cool actually as she isn't desperate to impress and actually has some friends. But she hasn't moved around as much as I have but even if she had I don't think it would bother her.

I fell out with someone at work a while ago, or rather they took offence to something I said even though I hadn't meant it in the way it had been taken. She ignored me for a few days and would arrange lunch with someone else we worked it but wouldn't ask me even though we'd done lunch a few times previously. I worried so so much for a whole week about why she was ignoring me. I think I couldn't even sleep because of it. In the end I asked her what I'd done, and she laid into me that I'd criticised her in front of everyone and that I was out of order. I really don't think I'd done that. As she was popular with my other work friends, I was paranoid that she'd told them all what a beeyatch I'd been. I'm sure she would have done so I wasn't being paranoid. So I decided that they would all probably side with her and in the end I decided that they didn;t want contact with me anymore.

I wonder why what I said wasn't taken as it was meant. I'm really not a nasty person, but I feel that people can't know me really well and I feel that if I say something the same fallout will occur, so I end up being a psychophant (spelling??)

SO it's all my own doing. I think I'm a really ok person, but since that I find myself feeling so self concious that I might cause offence again that I overthink things. I worry so much about causing offence or making a bad impression or or or or or...

Another example is that at school, there was a new girl who'd just started and I really tried to be a friend and make an effort with her and thought we were friends. Many years later she said that she had never liked me and I couldn't understand it.

I always find myself wanting to be liked and I guess that maybe I come across as a bit desperate. Bottom line is I wish I didn't care what anyone thinks of me. I have another post on MN about what I should wear and the more I read replies I think they all stem from the same low self esteem foundation.

I think if I'm honest, most of my life, I've made friends because I've wanted to be their friends. I'm not sure that I've had any real friends where it's been a 2 way thing.

I think PinkandPurplePirateGirls' thread on MN has been really enlightening for me. I don't like myself very much and if I don't then why should anybody else? Question is what to do about it?

Sorry this has turned in such a long reply. You've all got me thinking. I'm sorry there are others who feel the same way as I do. It's not much fun, but in a selfish way, I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I have felt so abnormal for so so long thinking that it was just me.

Thank you all so so much.
Lots of love and big hugs to you all
xxx

Mumat39, I want to give you a big hug.

Where do you live?

I think the woman at work, probably is well aware that you were not trying to offend you, sadly I have learned there are some right knobs around who get pleasure in hurting others, she probably picked up on the fact you are lacking in confidence and wouldn't put up a fight, and she made out she was a victim of you. You are better off without people like her in your life. It sounds like that girl at school was of a similar sort. Did you have a close family member who was like that with you also?

Hi mumat39
I could relate a lot to what you have been sharing. I just islolated myself while I was in bad marraige for a couple of years and before that I lost both parents and it took me, still does to build up confidence and issues around rejection but I am a lot a better. I find it easy to get on with anyone but a deep down feeling that surfaces a lot is that I don't feel like I click with many people even if they think I do.
Think sometimes it is worth percervering with some people as they can grow on you. For me I would describe it as giving something a chance.
I am going through a divorce and I have also editted a negative girl out of my life and I think I only met up with her as I felt low in my married life. I have since been able to make a healthy space for nicer people and have met 3 lovely girls.
Voluntary work was mentioned and this is a good safe place to test yourself out with others. Never feel you have to impress anyone with comments, body language etc, real people, the nice, genuine ones see through facades and you'll only still feel a bit lost with trying too hard.

Hello TheMouseRanUpTheClock. Cool name!

Thanks for your reply.

The thing about the person at work is that I hate that I was so able to upset her. You know. I said something in a meeting that to my surprise got a laugh and she thought that I had meant for everyone to laugh at her and I was as surprised as her that they had laughed. I just wish I hadn't done that to her. Or to myself. I know now that she wasn't really a friend as I'm sure a friend wouldn't have been quite so quick to blame me, but I obviously hyrt her feelings and that's awful.

I feel less worried about the school incident, although again, I wish I could understand it.

I think the bottom line is I try too hard.

I am fine in group situations where if I haven't seen anyone for ages, I come across, I'm sure, as quite confident and can say hello and have a chat with anyone for brief moments. Its when it comes to going beyond that that I feel unsure of how I come across.

Having been at home for the last 4 years means I've had less and less contact with people and probably too much time to think about and dwell on things. I now worry about how I come across and if I say anything, always worry that I sounded arrogant or annoying or whatever. I'm just too bloody self concious. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! Is that a form of vanity?? DOUBLE AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

I'm near Kingston upon Thames just outside London.

And, you're right I have had those sorts of situations with family, mostly from my extended family, you know uncles and cousins etc.

All those moments 'haunt' me without sounding too dramatic.

Biyboo, hello. I'm sorry that you also feel the same. It's tough I think. The voluntary work idea is a really good one. I think though I need to sort myself out before I 'put myself out there again'. Thanks for your reply and I hadn't thought of this as giving people a chance so that's something else for me to think about.

I'm on anti-depressants for anxiety due to the no. of allergies we have to deal with and also the massive fear of losing my daughter to a fatal reaction. My GP did suggest CBT and I think I maybe I need something like that and am ready for that so as a result of all the things that all have been mentioned on this thread plus PinkandPurplePirateGirl's thread I think I'm going to speak to him about maybe being referred. Or maybe I'll just try and find someone myself. If anyone knows of anyone good who practises CBT and counselling in or around the KT6 area, and would be happy to recommend them, it would be very much appreciated.

Thank you all so much again. It's such a shame so many of us feel the same way, but it's good for me to know I'm not alone. You're all stars for taking the time to help me.

Lots of love
xxx

I think with social anxiety, (which I may have always had a small level of, I do think that I have developed social anxiety after many horrible things happening to me) you have to keep trying to go out and about and speak to people, as I think it gets worse the more you retreat, so kick against it as much as you can at a pace that feels good for you.

Wow, just found this thread and can really relate to the comments made by so many of you! I don't have anything to advise as I'm in the same situation myself - but doesn't it help just to know there are others out there going through the same thing? Big hugs to all of you xxx

I can really relate to this thread and feel reassured that I'm not alone. I live abroad and easily met friends whilst the kids were young through British mother and toddler groups. Then all my really good friends moved back to the UK or on elsewhere. I don't work and find the crowd now about 5 years younger than me and interested in drinking and bitching. I don't fit in and it's really hard without the small children medium to meet other people.

I can so understand that once there is lack of contact, social confidence is undermined and then we try too hard and seem desperate which again pushes people away.

Hugs to all in this situation.

i don't have any friends either, but to be fair i choose not to have any. i work with 4 women who are all ok and we all happily work together (most of the time) but i don't want to be friends with them and spend time away from work with them. i don't speak to the neighbours unless i have to and then its just a good morning. i've had friends in the past but hated it when they'd want me to go out/round for coffe/shopping/evenings out and so on cos they were taking up my time and i like to do my own thing on my own or i'd rather spend my time with dh and our dc.
to be honset i just cba with friends, maybe some people just like being alone and thats ok i think, what i hate most though is when people are shocked that i have none so its nice to be able to say to you all i have no friends and none of you will think i'm odd (well i hope you wont)