I have no friends - any advice please?

[mumat39]

Hello

Before I start, I just want to say that i'm really not looking for sympathy and if it's really wierd to not have any friends then it'd be good to hear the cold hard truth, if you know what I mean?!!

Right, I am a 43 year old mum of 2 young kids and after 4 and a bit years of being a stay at home mum I find myself without any friends. I have a loving partner and lovely kids but feel quite lonely as I don't really have any friends at all.

By way of some history, I got married when I was 20 and moved to a different area and gradually lost touch with my school friends. At school, I wasn't really best friends with anyone and always felt like I was a spare part. I got on with alot of people and had a laugh, but I was always on the outside of any real friendships.

I did go to a Polytechnic to do a HND but met my ex there in the first few weeks and was one of those naive so and so's and spent all my time with him so didn't really get to know anyone. He was my first love and I was besotted. Looking back I realise now that I was infact besotted by the fact that someone actually had noticed or liked me. He also used to say, Friends aren't important and although I didn't believe that I guess it somehow affected me.

Things didn't work out and after about 11 years we separated and divorced. I am very happy that we did as it was not a good situation I found myself in.

In my working life I met alot of lovely people, but again didn't make any best friends. There were lots of people I considered as friends. When I stopped working to have my first baby, I managed to stay in touch with people for about 2 years. One day I realised that it was me that was the one keeping in touch and making the contact so I just felt a bit sorry for myself and stopped. Not for any reason other than I felt a bit sad by that fact. That decision has backfired a bit and for the last 2 years I haven't had any contact with any of the people I considered friends from work. On New Years Eve 2010, I sent loads of texts to them all wishing them a happy new year. I had lots of replies back. New Years Eve 2011, I didn't send any texts as we had my sisters and cousins over and I remember thinking oooh I wonder if anyone's texted me. I checked my phone and no one had :-(

For that last 3 1/2 years my life has been focused completely on my children. My daughter who is 4 had her first, very serious allergi reaction to a baby rusk and ended up in hospital for the night. Since then we have discovered so many other foods as well as things like cats and polled, that we don't really have 'normal' lives.

I have lived in fear of her having another reaction and as a result we never eat out as a family. If we go anywhere we have to take meals with us. My son who is 2 also has a sinsitive system so he has the same foods as my daughter, fo my sanity more than anything else. My anxiety got so bad that my GP put me onto antidepressants and they have been my firend (yay!)

I am so envious of people who can just go out and 'grab' something to eat from a cafe or restaurant.

So, my life has become very isolated over the years and I often wonder what is wrong with me? Am I just an easily forgetable person. Or am I wierd.

I'm not very confident to just go up to people and start chatting. For example, we live on a street of terraced houses and if I see the neighbours chatting to each other, I'll be desparate to go and say hello, but I'll look up, smile and then quietly go back in, if I've ventured out to put the bins out. I always feel like I'm getting in the way, or I'm interrupting them.

Also, I find that if there is someone that I think hasn't warmed to me I find myself trying really hard to make an effort so they do like me. What I wish I could do was just accept that that's fine and not worry. I also worry about how I look and not being good enough sometimes and am too embarrassed to leave the house.

Not having anyone to talk to, makes all this even harder so I'm on here to ask for advice from anyone who might be able to help. I'm not asking for pity, just some practical tips on how to maybe work on how I come across or what I might be doing wrong? I'm so so sad about this and almost feel transported back to being an awkward teen and feeling and wish that I just had a best friend.

I really hope I don't sound too pathetic. I feel it but I'm hoping someone will be able to shed some light on what might be wrong with me. :-(

Many Thanks in advance

xxx

i shouls have also said i don't think anythings wrong with you at all and friends are a)prob overated and b) i think one of those things everyone else thinks you should have even if you don't want it iyswim

I have no best friends, and not many friends either!!! My husband recently left me, and I have met up with an old friend. we are gna meet up every friday now. Shes a single mum too, and I am hoping to form a bond with her, and become real mates. I have known her sister for 5 years now, but her husband is my husbands bessie mate.... so I dont want to confide in her, as it may get bk to "d"h.
I think alot of it is to do with being a stay at home mum. Its hard to keep on top of things, the kids, house n husband. Then a social life too... i think that gets pushed to the side abit...
Try getting out to groups n things...
good luck xx
(not weird or strange, alot of mums are feel the same huni xxx)

I can relate to what you are saying I really lack confidence socially and get very self conscious and tense in social situations. I feel like my own worst enemy sometimes as I am friendly but with some people I feel really uneasy with others even though I like them.
Am not sure if I can sense that they are bitchy(judgmental?) or its just me being paranoid.
Also think this time of year is making me worse. I feel a bit like giving up on friendships and just concentrating on my DS DH DM and DD as I know they are the people that really love me and I them.

Ive no friends and no way of making them, but I have mumsnet!

Hello mumat39
It is apparent from your thread that you are not the only one in your position. You do sound very lovely and thoughtful. I wonder if it is like any relationship, friends do not necessarily some along at the 'right' time in life, sometimes you have to wait for the real deal.
I too am envious (or bemused by?) people - and it is particularly women - who seem to have these close groups where they are all looking out for each other.

If a close friend is someone who calls you just to say hi and arranges for a get together for no particular reason, then I have none either.

The one thing that has alleviated it for me is by doing voluntary work in my spare time. I got involved in a creative project in a big city nearby, where young and not so young people come along and get involved in the creative arts. It's horrifically underfunded, the building is cold, the facilities are outdated, but I love it.

We are all trying to make the best of a difficult situation and lots of the people who come through the project go on to work successfully in the creative arts. Because of this work I've got hundreds of FB 'friends' now...but not one of them texted me on NYE either!

However doing the voluntary work is good because we know that we are all there because we want to be, and we want to make the world a better (and brighter) place. I miss it all when I go home at night (I work there once a week).
I do feel as if they are all getting together in the evenings and weekends without me - in fact I know they are - but at least I was there for a bit. I can't join in so much because of my DCs.

I was thrilled today because a single mum who I have been sort of mentoring there called me out of the blue, just to say hello. I can't tell you what that meant to me.

I hope you can find something too - give something back, especially if you haven't even taken anything to start with!

I do think it's partly your stage in life. I would describe myself as someone with lots of friends, but actually, since I moved a few years ago, I've made only one friend. I do have older friends, but I make a massive effort to see them, such as going to visit by myself. If I had to coordinate two sets of families and children, I think I would see them relatively rarely. Most people I know are busy with work, children, and their everyday lives and there isn't much time for pottering and having coffees, not amongst the working mums I know anyway.

But, this is not how it is forever, my mum is retired and goes for coffee with lots of different people she's met through groups, voluntary work, old friends she's picked up with again. She has the time and the space for this now and really enjoys it.

My practical tips are: don't be desperate, as with dating, you need to wait til you find someone you click with or have a reason to be friends with, otherwise you will be putting massive time and energy into friendships which will never really be right (and as cuttedupear says, you could be doing something interesting with that energy). So, if you hate babygroups, don't go to them, join an arts cinema or a choir whatever you like doing as at least then you get to do what you like. You do sound like you've lost your identity a bit with the children, which is probably fine for now, but in the longrun doesn't leave you with a lot. You will have more time when your children go to school too, either for meeting new people or working, so it's not a now or never situation.

You do sound lovely and thoughtful, I don't know why that lady at work was mean, sometimes gangs of girls can be a bit like that, which is why when I have left a job, I tend to stay friends with the person I liked best and ditch the rest, as those types of gangs tend to fall by the wayside as you all move on to different workplaces (and can often be held together by someone not so nice). Think of this as a work in progress rather than something that has to be fixed straightaway, who knows what interesting people you might meet along the way?

Hello, another here who wants to be added to the no friends list, the difference being I joined the army at aged 18 so moved away now I'm 33, I have no mates I have work colleagues but can't really class them as mates.

Anyway a thread popped up on here about joining the women's institute, so I looked for local WI's and am going for my first meeting on Thursday you could try there to meet people.

Hello mumat39!
It's surprising how many of us feel the same! I have been complaining of the no friends sydrome for the past few months. Whilst I feel as though I know lots of people, I can't say that I have a real 'best' friend. I 'm a naturally chatty kind of person and I speak to lots of other mums at thr school/preschool gates and have lots of 'friends' from various times in my life. However, i always seem to do all the running. Everyone already seems to have their close knit groups. I sometimes wonder where they made their friends. I, like you didn't really stay in touch with anyone at school and I stayed at home for uni so I didn't get the 'halls' experience.

I feel like people chat to me but they never like me enough to become really good friends!

So, i can really identify with you but unfortunately don't have many suggestions!

So, here's the promising bit, I live in the KT4 area. Maybe you'd like to meet up a nd we can consol eachother? Hee hee!

Op-can I just clarify are you single now?

I second the advice about inviting a friend of your eldest dc round for tea along with their mum.

Maybe it won't lead to lasting friendship, who knows, but at least it will give you an opening to spend time with another adult in a similar situation.

Don't worry if you don't get invited back-friendship doesn't keep score.

When/if your dcs are out can you do any voluntary work or join a group, enrol on a course.
Infact many centres have creches so that parents can enrol on a course.
Again you might not make lasting friendships but at least it will get you out of the houes and allow you to do something that you like.

I would also advise to not keep a record of who sends texts etc first. I imagine that if everyone based their friendships around this then they would also have very few friends. Real friends give and take.

Quite often I will be the one hosting dinners/get togethers. I don't see this as anything other than some friends prefer to come to me rather than them host. There are lots of reasons for this. I am, without boasting, very organised at these sorts of things, that is just the way I am.
I also have room to host.
Some people feel uncomfortable hosting but love to go to round to others.
Can you see what I am saying.

As a child there were certain friends whose houses always seemed very welcoming and Iwould love to spend time there.

Imagine if there parents kept score and decided that I had spent enough time at theres.

Try and get out more with your children too. How about the park? you might meet other parents there. Even if you don't your children will enjoy it and it will be a change from sitting in your house dwelling on your problems.

I would also add that things will improve as your dcs get older. Encourage them to do things eg clubs and this will give you another opportunity to meet new people. There will also be more childrens parties, go to them all even if it seems a pain!!!! Again another opportunity to meet new people.

The ages that your dcs are at makes it difficult to have lots of friends but this will change.
I have met lots of new friends through my dds hobbies. In fact another parent is organising for a few mums and dds to go away in the summer and has invited me. I have said yes we will go, so trust me that things will get better in time.

Hope this will help.

Hi
I feel exactly the same. I have one close friend and that is it. I am supposed to be getting married next year and am trying to put it off as my side of the church will be empty and I mean empty, and i dont want people to think there is something wrong with me. I live in Oxfordshire/Berks area have tried going to baby groups but find it sooooo hard to make small talk and dont ever feel that i can be myself that i have just about given up. Really quite lonely, feel that at 38 I should have more to show for myself but just find it really hard to make friends

Hiya OP

here is what leaps out at me- LOW SELF ESTEEM

I really think this is at the root of alot of your issues

I have managed to work on my self esteem, I still have my moments but I think identifying that horrible gremlin and wacking it! really can help

The on top of this you have the MAJOR issue of mummy-lonelieness, christ you are not alone there

I think someone said up a thread people pick up on the awkwardness, and react badly. Some of its cruelty, some of it it because
so people shy away from it, its a bit fucked up

I woyld advise focussing on your low self esteem first
Because that way when someone is a bitch rather than try and make them like you (again, we all have this tendancy)- you have the strenght to say fxxk you, I am worth better
It also give you more confidence in your intercatons

FWIW I have had a few sleepless nights on this topic recently. Moved to a new area, tried to get to know people, its all gone sour. Loong story, but I does not feel nice , I know

xxxxxxxxx

OP, I know this is an old post and it would be wonderful if you could come back and let us know how you're going 3 months on, though I won't hold my breath.

I just wanted to say that I have these same innate tendencies though I have tried very hard to make positive changes and sculpt myself into someone who I like better. Not in an insincere way but in an effort to continually learn and improve myself. I used to wonder if I had ASD-type tendencies as I can find social situations so awkward sometimes and have had "social anxiety" type issues since at least the beginning of high school - though even when I was a 4-year-old my preschool teacher commented that I was exceptionally shy until I felt more comfortable, hiding behind her dress. (She made this comment when she bumped into my mother 20 years later in the supermarket - that's what she remembered me for! Brilliant.) I have since realised that I have the opposite of ASD-type tendencies - a hypersensitivity to social cues that means that I get anxious even about a slight change in tone of voice or a fleeting facial expression and interpret it negatively and then feel like I can't "be myself" anymore and am instead interacting with a heightened sense of anxiety, worrying about what the other person is thinking.

But anyway, I don't want to rant a lot about me but wanted to say that somehow despite these tendencies I feel I have a solid, decent-sized and lovely group of friends, but if I didn't work really hard against my natural tendencies I could easily have none. Some random thoughts:

1. I really like reading these types of articles:

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2120187/Revenge-introverts-Its-assumed-extroverts-best-life-new-book-claims-quite-opposite-.html

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1338093/Be-proud-loud-J-K-Rowling-So-Gwyneth-Paltrow-No-wonder-introverts-quietly-triumphing-life.html

Yes I know it's the Daily Mail, but I love reading that website for trashy entertainment value and I won't apologise for it. ;) What I like about these articles is that they remind us that introverts, people who might struggle with striking up immediate friendships and being gregarious and chatty, are valuable people too in our own way. Western society places so much emphasis on being super-confident and having huge numbers of friends. Not everyone is like that and that's OK. Everyone who has posted here is very valuable and kind-hearted and worthy with your own special talents and you should all be celebrated, not made to feel bad because you don't fit a mould. No doubt you like most other people regardless of their eccentricities and see them as valuable (probably more valuable than you!) - apply the same embracing standards to yourself! You are special and if you view yourself that way and just accept yourself for who you are instead of picking fault with yourself or wishing you were different, you can move towards feeling more comfortable with cultivating some suitable friendships.

1. Remember that everyone is vulnerable, has issues and difficulties, feels insecure at times (at the very least). You may not see it but it's true. I try to remind myself that my worries are very self-absorbed and that in fact everyone is most worried about themselves and should be treated kindly because you don't know what's going on for them. They could have mental health issues, be in an abusive relationship, have low self-esteem, or even be suicidal - these are more common issues than you may think. If you view people as vulnerable people who need to be treated kindly and feel valued, rather than people who are all superior to you, then you may find it more easy to be your true self and not feel anxious. A "What Would Jesus Do" type approach, though I'm not religious. I find that this helps me.

1. In line with that, people respond really well to genuine warmth, detailed interest in their lives, and remembering the little details about them and asking about the things you know are important to them and will bring a smile to their face. e.g., "How are you!!! I haven't seen you for AGES! Did you enjoy your break? What did you do? Oh I'd love to go there! How are your cats? How are your children?" etc.

1. It can be tempting to just be absolutely nicey-nice/ sycophantic. You may feel that if no-one ever disagrees with, or takes offence to, you, then technically you're being the most likeable you can be. I have a tendency to be "overly nice" which I don't think is always great. For example in a course I completed the notable thing my classmates said was that I was "the nicest person in the course" - but I wondered, what IS nice?! It's just kind of being likeable and inoffensive, wishy-washy. I don't really like that being a defining feature, though I think it's important to treat others well. But when I "people-watch" and listen to conversations, I notice lots of disagreements and differences of opinion occurring. Even playful, or not so playful, insults. Usually these people continue to get along. I think the only difference is that for them, disagreeing with another person or even playfully insulting each other is like water off a duck's back, whereas people like us really, really dwell on that forever and find it very uncomfortable and over-analyse it. So we need to work on that part of our brains, not on trying to never offend anybody. If others can insult/ disagree with each other and still get along, there is no reason why we shouldn't feel comfortable in expressing our true opinions in a respectful way and feel confident that we can preserve our relationships! Ask yourself, how would you feel interacting with someone who was being totally sycophantic? I'd probably feel suspicious.

Anyway as I said I'm continually trying to improve myself in this area, just felt a lot of empathy and thought I'd drop in some thoughts that help me. Would love to hear from you!

Just marking my place; I'm a bit tired to do a long post, but this is something I continually struggle with too.....I think if I was always the one to make the effort and do the running, my social life would be fuller, but...I just don't have the energy to do that!

Great post pigglesworth - it sounds like our minds work the same way...don't you just wish that being a social animal came naturally and we didn't have to constantly work at it though?!

stubbornstains you have no idea (or probably you do) how nice it is to read that someone feels that their minds work the same way as mine in this regard! It's hard not to feel a bit alone or different at times in social situations. Nice to know there's one other person like me (and likely many more) on the planet! :p Yes I dearly wish being a social animal came naturally. I have a "get together", an engagement party, and a birthday party this weekend (a lot for me) and am feeling a bit anxious about/ dreading them all... would be more comfortable staying at home, so much hard work involved!

I have one friend (apart from DP) but she lives 200 miles away. I've never had many friends, not even in school, so I suppose I have a way about me that makes me unapproachable.

I've tried making friends in my area for six years since I had DC1. I've done babygroups, classes, forums, the lot. But it's just not happening. I've tried the 'not trying' approach, and I've done all the running - but I just do not get past the stage of saying 'hello' at the school gates.

Same here..and isn't it amazing how many people there are in nearly the same situation? Mine I can blame on lots of moving about as a child/teenager..so haven't got those 'friends since school for life' friends that everyone else seems to have. Still in touch with a lot, but they live no where near me! Lots of casual friends, but no one who i would consider a best friend.

Really hit me when I started planning my wedding, and realised that I can't have bridesmaids..because I don't have anyone to ask! DH moved here to be with me, so he doesn't have close friends round here either - just work mates.

I'm hopeful that when we have kids (I'm pg now) we will meet people through the children (as that's how my mum and dad made all of their friends that they are still close to today)

But stay strong - you sound lovely :)

Hi all. It is really hard to make friends if you are not a confident person as you make up in your mind all the things that others think of you! On the whole people aren't thinking bad things about others unless the person is truly horrible!!! I think you've just had bad luck with some of the friends in ur life- what kind of a person tells someone they 'never liked you'!! That is so playground!! I think normally people at our stage of life don't have one particular best friend unless they are a relic from the past- I have a few good friends and I think it's because I get out there A LOT. This seems harder for you due to your little one's allergies. If you can find some way of going to the same couple of toddler groups each week then you'll slowly build a friendship group. I think the best ones are the ones at big family churches as they tend to be very kind and welcoming and will make sure there are no foods that will hurt little one hopefully!!! Ours does anyway!
Sorry long post, but I have severe anxiety and I have got over it and I think you can too!!! When you find yourself worrying what others are thinking just say no to those thoughts!! Xxxx

Hello. I found this thread. I looked a whil ago and thought it must have been deleted as it didn't appear on the ones I started link. Anyway, I've found it again so that's brilliant.

I'm so sorry for not replying to everyone who replied to me after my last post. I really wasn't being rude. Just dim as I couldn't find this.

Thanks to everyone again.

Ipy, KT4 must be close to where we are so if you'd still like to meet up, let me know. PM me and maybe we can do something over the summer holiday.

Pigglesworth, thanks for asking how I'm doing. I don't think much has changed. I've chatted to a few more neighbours and am going for a meal with them soon, which should be good fun. Other than that I'm still feeling the same really, except, much better that it's nit just me that feels this way. Thanks to everyone who shared their similar experiences.

I was watching, The Conversation with Amanda de Cadanet online recently and this reminded me of this thread again, which is why I decided to have another look for it. Anyway, Amanda interviews successful women and the overriding theme with them all is that you have to know who you are. This got me thinking that I have NO CLUE, who I am. And I've been wondering how do I find out?

I am still at home with my DC. DD starts f/t school in Sept and DS will probably start nursery at some point in the next year. So I've been thinking about what I would like to do with the spare time I'll have. I can't think of a thing. Apart from maybe trying to get a part time job somewhere near home so I can still do drop off and pick ups from school.

It would be good to get some financial independence too so will definitely look into that, but I could quite easily not work again, as I feel like I've been there and done that, if that makes sense?

I've also been trying failing to lose weight. I have learned that I'm a rubbish dieter. I recently lost a stone but have slowly put 10lbs of that back on. I think I thought that losing weight would make me feel better about myself. But as soon as I stopped the diet, I seem to have developed a massive craving for biscuits which I have been giving into, hence the gain. It was a low cal diet and I was so so hungry on it so I don't know if I'm making up for that. I have tried again to diet, but I think I have a self-destruct button in me and its as if I don't wnat to let myself succeed.

Anyway, watching that show online, has made me realise that until I like who I am and accept who I am, then whatever I do, even if I got down to a size zero, would help. I think I think of food as a 'friend' esp carby sugary stuff. I realise that sounds really really sad but I actually think it's true.

So, I think I need to work on that side of me, the knowing who I am so I can accept who I am, if that makes any sense at all. As I write that it sounds a bit woo woo but I think it really does make sense.

Does anyone know where or how I should start, to 'find myself'?

Pigglesworth, what you say about the opposite of ASD type tendencies is true for me too. A look from someone to someone else makes me think it's about me and can make me feel so uncomfortable so much so that it spoils my week or month or whatever. I do it to myself and it's crazy. It's like I feel I don't deserve stuff, so I'm always looking to validate that feeling, like some sort of self fulfilling prophecy. It's a bit sad really.

Sorry to go on an on (and on), but thank you to everyone who replied.

sorry that should say 'down to a size zero wouldn't help.

Thanks for updating your thread, mumat39. Sorry I didn't see this earlier.

In response to your statement: "I have NO CLUE, who I am. And I've been wondering how do I find out?"

I imagine it's very difficult to know who you are when your life and your very being are centred around caring for your young children/staying at home for fear of your daughter's allergies/having little contact with "friends" at this time, or people outside the family. I think this difficulty with self-identity is something that most parents of young children experience, to varying extents... whether they have insight into it or not. You are trying to work out who you are and what you might like, but your imagination may be quite restricted by your limited routine and experiences currently!

There are some resources out there that could help. To help identify the things that are important to you, you could look into a "values card sort" type activity.

Here is a link to one such activity, the cards are in the PDF and could be printed and cut out:
www.motivationalinterview.net/library/valuescardsort.pdf

You create three piles for the cards - labelled "Important to me", "Very important to me", and "Not important to me". There are lots of values in that collection and it could remind you of the things you strongly believe in/hold dear. You could work out some "extracurricular activities"/hobbies based on those values.

A work-related electronic version of this activity is here:
oca.cce.umn.edu/prototypes/cardsort/values/
Not immediately relevant but may be thought-provoking. I will be trying it out after I post this! It may help in identifying a suitable job for you.

Another way of generating ideas for yourself regarding things you might like, could be looking through a collection of suggestions of things that people find enjoyable. Examples include:
A Reinforcement Inventory - such as this one for children and adults - looking through it may give you some ideas:
www.pent.ca.gov/cdr/f10/reinforcementinventory.pdf

Adult Pleasant Events Schedule:
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/er_handout_8.html

(Googling these terms will provide lots of other examples.)

You also wrote: "I've chatted to a few more neighbours and am going for a meal with them soon, which should be good fun."

So things HAVE changed for the better! That is fantastic! I imagine progress won't take place overnight but this proves that your efforts to make connections with people are working. I think trying to improve yourself/make changes to be more sociable could be a process of years - it certainly was for me, and the process continues.

Yes, losing weight is very difficult and I have exactly the same relationship with food as you. I find that going for long walks/jogs is the only method I have of keeping my weight under control. More exercise tends to lead to me craving healthier foods, too. Is that an option for you? (You just have to make sure you don't compensate for the exercise by eating more... and make sure you don't exercise so much that you are uncontrollably ravenous!) Congratulations on losing one stone, though, that's more than I've ever managed in one stint for years... even if you have put most of it back on again, you've shown you have the capacity to do it.

I might leave my post there! I hope you have a nice weekend. :) Look forward to hearing from you... if you like!

Pigglesworth, thanks so much again for another very helpful reply. I'm sorry for not replying yesterday.

The meal with the neighbours was supposed to happen last week as quite a few couldn't make it after all, so I'll look forward to that when it's rescheduled.

I'll have a look at the links either tonight or tomorrow, but they all sound like really good options and one's I hadn't even heard of. I like the idea of cards for both hobbies and for work.

I used to work full time before DC and I suppose I would have been classed as 'successful' but I really don't feel the urgency to go back as although I enjoyed it and the people I worked with were on the whole lovely, I didn't really 'love' the job itself. I sometimes think it would be good to get into something that I do love so I hope the work cards might help with that, so thank you.

Thanks again for all your help. It amazes me that there are so so many lovely people on Mumsnet who have taken the time to not only reply, but to link to all the resources you have. It really does mean alot. So thank you again

I hope you've had a lovely weekend.
xxxxx