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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

potentially awkward situation - how do i handle it?

48 replies

celerysalt · 08/01/2012 19:36

So, a few years back I became involved with a married man. Not my proudest moment but I genuinely loved him and was broken-hearted when it ended. FWIW I was the one who finished it (when it became clear - for various reasons - he couldn't leave in the short term). I do regret causing pain to him and his family, so far as I know he and his wife are happy now, certainly they are still very much together.

I haven't met anyone since, and admit I do still think of him from time to time. I haven't made any attempt to contact him since it finished, nor vice versa.

Anyway, in a few weeks I have to attend an event. There's not really any way of me getting out of being there, it's something I have to go to. And I have now found out from a friend of a friend that he will also be there. Which has completely thrown me. I don't know whether he will try and speak to me, and if so whether I should engage in conversation, walk away or what. I obviously don't want or intend to make a scene, I'm simply worried it will be really awkward.

OP posts:
roses2 · 08/01/2012 19:39

Be aloof.

KatieScarlett2833 · 08/01/2012 19:43

Smile

Make polite conversation

Move on

ClaraSage · 08/01/2012 19:44

Does his wife know who you are? Because, if so, she will also find seeing you at a social event difficult (or even painful).
If he does try to speak to you, just politely and briefly respond and move on. It's not too hard to avoid people at social events, unless you are sitting around a table of 6 or 8. I am well practiced as my DH's ex ow often turns up at the same socials. We avoid each other. My biggest fear is that someone will try to introduce us and I would have to acknowledge her.

Earlybird · 08/01/2012 19:45

Approx how many people will be at this event?

Will you attend with anyone, or on your own?

If possible a simple 'hello' acknowledgement should be sufficient. Don't ignore, don't linger/chat. Move on.

OlympicEater · 08/01/2012 19:45

I agree with roses and Katie, however being shallow as I am, I would also be making sure I looked fabulous and was having a brilliant time Blush

Hassled · 08/01/2012 19:45

Will the wife be there too? Does she know about the affair?
Assuming wife is not there, I agree that all you can so is smile, exchange pleasantries about the event and then move swiftly on. If she is there do all you can to stay on a different side of the room.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2012 19:47

A simple vague "hello" and then glide on should be sufficient

what are you imagining ?

Original poster
celerysalt · 08/01/2012 19:55

His wife does know about me, and spoke to me on the phone at the time (not my finest hour, far from it). She won't be there though, just him.

I won't be going with anyone, though I will know people there.

OP posts:
izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 08/01/2012 19:56

Whatever you had with him is done and dusted and it's history.

Any awkwardness you may feel may well be felt by him too, but I don't see any reason why you should feel unduly concerned about the prospect of encountering him again at an event that will be attended by numerous others.

I would suggest that you don't make any approach to him and that, should he approach you, or should you inadvertently find yourself in his company, you simply observe the usual social courtesies such as 'hello, how are you' that you would use when greeting a distant acquaintance before turning your attention elsewhere.

If he appears to want to extend any conversation you may have with him, make your excuses and either go to the bar, powder your nose, or join another group.

You may be surprised to find yourself indifferent at the sight of him, but should his presence have the opposite effect you're best advised not to let your feelings show

If you should go weak at the knees, keep your cool and make your mantra 'tis a far better thing I do' because more than enough painful waters have already gone under the bridge and the last thing you need is to stir up any more.

ClaraSage · 08/01/2012 19:57

Do you think he still has feelings for you?
Do you for him?

AnyFucker · 08/01/2012 19:58

I wonder if his wife knows about this forthcoming event

not that it's any biz of yours, of course

Original poster
celerysalt · 08/01/2012 20:02

I think I'm worried that he will tell me he still thinks about me - which I don't want to hear. If I don't see him (like I haven't for the last 2 years) it's easier to pretend it never happened.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/01/2012 20:03

why don't you simply not attend

get a last minute dose of d+v

better all round, I would say

izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 08/01/2012 20:03

Of course the alternative is not to attend the event.

If his wife has got wind of your attendance he may be required to make his excuses and spend the evening at home or, if she mumsnets in her spare time, she may arrange covert surveillance of the event Grin

Original poster
celerysalt · 08/01/2012 20:04

It is a work related event, so I have to keep any emotions well hidden. Can't afford to get upset.

I think I may have to spend a lot of time running to the loo and hiding.

OP posts:
izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 08/01/2012 20:04

cross post with AF.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2012 20:05

you are overthinking it

simply don't go

will you get the sack ? I don't think so..

ClaraSage · 08/01/2012 20:08

OP, if you haven't seen him since the affair ended and he has not attempted to contact you since, why do you think he might tell you he still thinks of you?

izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 08/01/2012 20:09

Please say that you haven't been eating your little heart out for the last 2 years for a married man?

Come on, honey, you couldn't have meant a great deal to him and, under those circumstances, it's remarkably easy to feign indifference to a man who didn't have the courage of his alleged convictions.

Original poster
celerysalt · 08/01/2012 20:16

I'm committed to going, it's hard to explain but it would put me in a difficult position not to.

I will try to concentrate on the work aspect, focus on that and being aloof and not overthinking it. If I keep my serious work head on I may be ok.

The still thinking of me - only that we first met in a similar situation over a year before anything happened, the next time I saw him he said he had thought of me every day since we first met. Utter BS I know (now), but I fell for it at the time. I am a stronger person now though.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/01/2012 20:18

I'm committed to going, it's hard to explain but it would put me in a difficult position not to.

your pants are on fire, OP

HoudiniHissy · 08/01/2012 20:20

If he comes anywhere near you, tell him to piss off. It is THAT simple.

I doubt he will, I reckon he'll studiously blank you at every opportunity.

totallyscunnered · 08/01/2012 20:24

Right. You need a plan. Make up. Sharp suit. Confidence on. For YOU not him.

And blank him. Ignore him. If he starts to speak to you a withering "how's your wife" will do.

Ignore ignore ignore.

Rindercella · 08/01/2012 20:24

Take some Rescue Remedy to calm your nerves. If you speak to him, smile, hold your head high and after (very general) chit chat make your excuses and go and talk to someone else.

He is still with his wife. The key is in that sentence.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2012 20:27

I also suggest you find something very interesting over his shoulder, if he approaches you

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