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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

potentially awkward situation - how do i handle it?

48 replies

celerysalt · 08/01/2012 19:36

So, a few years back I became involved with a married man. Not my proudest moment but I genuinely loved him and was broken-hearted when it ended. FWIW I was the one who finished it (when it became clear - for various reasons - he couldn't leave in the short term). I do regret causing pain to him and his family, so far as I know he and his wife are happy now, certainly they are still very much together.

I haven't met anyone since, and admit I do still think of him from time to time. I haven't made any attempt to contact him since it finished, nor vice versa.

Anyway, in a few weeks I have to attend an event. There's not really any way of me getting out of being there, it's something I have to go to. And I have now found out from a friend of a friend that he will also be there. Which has completely thrown me. I don't know whether he will try and speak to me, and if so whether I should engage in conversation, walk away or what. I obviously don't want or intend to make a scene, I'm simply worried it will be really awkward.

OP posts:

ClaraSage · 08/01/2012 20:29

OP, when he first said he had thought of you every day for a year it was the beginning of the affair and it was his pulling line. I doubt he has been thinking of you since the affair ended, if so, surely he would have contacted you before now!

Original poster

celerysalt · 08/01/2012 20:32

Clara, fair point.

So, calm, aloof, uninterested. I can do that. And then hide in the loo for a bit.

OP posts:

AgathaCrusty · 08/01/2012 20:33

I can't believe that you absolutely can't get out of it - everyone gets the occasional bout of D&V.

PurplePidjin · 08/01/2012 20:34

Confide in someone so that if they see you with him, they immediately rush over saying "Celerysalt, daaaaaahling, I have someone you simply must meet"

Cue shrugged shoulders and dignified exit before you get beyond Hello.

mrsmplus3 · 08/01/2012 20:39

i think you want something to happen op. but sorry if im wrong.

i feel quite strongly about affairs with married people. it hasnt happened to me so far but i know plenty others who have went through it. you really shouldnt even be thinking about him. as you said, theyre still together, which means theyve worked through it and value their family life together as a whole far more than one affair.

presuming youre a healthy, single women you should have no problem going off and finding your own man at the do!?

Earlybird · 08/01/2012 20:44

A word of warning: You would be very wise to strictly monitor your drink intake that night. Getting drunk/tipsy could have bad consequences.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2012 20:44

why do you keep wittering about "hiding in the loo" ?

you are a professional woman, who cannot get out of this works-related function, right ? (except I don't believe you on that point)

only 14 yo's "hide in the loo"

get a grip

you fucked up 2 years ago

anybody would think (including him) you still hold a torch for him

Original poster

celerysalt · 08/01/2012 20:49

There would be no point in anything happening, it would go nowhere and I am not interested in going back to being deceitful and having half a relationship, I got very hurt last time - which I know some people would say was deserved, but anyway, it is not something I ever want to go through again.

I would just add though that there aren't loads of great single men out there, in the last 2 years I haven't met any. I'd love to go off and find a man but that's easier said than done.

OP posts:

Original poster

celerysalt · 08/01/2012 20:52

Earlybird, I dont drink so that at least is easily avoided.

My last post by the way wasnt meant to try and justify what happened in the past btw, hope it didn't come across as that.

OP posts:

mrsmplus3 · 08/01/2012 21:01

well maybe its just not your time to fall in love. you'll get your turn. you should just enjoy your life to the full in the meantime. and i am not trying to be one bit smart here (its just hindsight advice) but if theres any issues you need to work through (as we all have them) then now is the time to do it, before you meet someone and start a family perhaps. sometimes we meet the wrong people (a married man for example) because we have not reached our full potential and still have unresolved intimacy or trust issues from our childhood or teenage years. once you get married its a whole other ball game and if you want to meet a good guy who will go through lifes up and downs with you the least you want for yourself is to know who you are and what youre all about so you can cope with it all.
does this make sense? i know what i mean.

Original poster

celerysalt · 08/01/2012 21:21

I think I probably missed my turn at falling in love & getting married somewhere, I'm in my late 30s so not exactly young anymore :)

I don't think I have any childhood issues, my childhood was pretty perfect; as an adult not so much but that's more circumstances than anything else.

OP posts:

mrsmplus3 · 08/01/2012 22:05

well good luck anyway. night

ps my aunty met her 2nd husband at 36 and had her one and only baby at 38!
so you just never know. x

ClaraSage · 08/01/2012 22:11

Don't give up on finding love OP, you never know what is /who is around the corner. But, please, do give up on Mr.Married. His DW has suffered enough due to you and him.

Original poster

celerysalt · 08/01/2012 23:10

I gave up on him a long time ago don't worry. Not sure what the future holds, only that he isn't part of it. It's just easier never to see him again, luckily the chances for our paths to cross are rare.

OP posts:

ClaraSage · 08/01/2012 23:19

Well, I hope you get through the event without having to talk to MM. No need to hide in the loo, just be yourself and try to relax.
Sadly, for you, I don't think you have moved on, otherwise you would not be so anxious about this event. When it doesn't matter to you whether he's there or not, ie: indifference, then you'll know you've moved on.
Perhaps a little part of you is hoping he will talk to you and try and restart something ?

Hattytown · 08/01/2012 23:21

There's a chance that like you, he might find out you're going to be there and therefore might dodge the event himself. Is there any way of someone letting him know you're going too? (not you obviously)

I too was unsure reading this thread whether you still had some lingering hope. I think it's because it's obvious you still believe what he told you i.e he spent a year thinking about you. It reads as though you also believe he wasn't staying with his wife for love, but for other reasons - that bit about 'he couldn't leave in the short term'. Do you think you'd be able to finally draw a line under this if you accepted that this was a kind lie?

Original poster

celerysalt · 08/01/2012 23:41

I think indifference will come in time, I expect if I had had another relationship in the last 2 years it would be easier, if that makes sense? Tbh I really hadn't thought about him for quite a long while til today.

I'm fairly sure it will now get back to him that I will be there, and thinking about it more rationally, I doubt he will go once he knows that (it will be much easier for him not to attend than me). So I may be worrying unncessarily. And if he is there, I will be ok, remain in work mode, not get stuck in conversation.

OP posts:

Hattytown · 08/01/2012 23:51

Good luck, love.

ClaraSage · 09/01/2012 10:50

I' m sure once you meet someone new you will forget this MM.
I hope he does attend because if you can just say 'hello' to each other and move on it will bring closure. (I hope).
Best of luck and let us know how you get on.

LisasCat · 09/01/2012 11:20

Having been in your situation (except it was a chance meeting in the street, when the MM had spotted me and chased after me to talk), I was delighted to find that the intervening years had sharpened my mind and I was now able to see him for the knob my friends had all told me he was in the first place. I had no difficulty whatsoever in being quite cool in my repsonses to him.

Just don't overthink this, go to this event, and you might well find you're worrying about nothing. If your line of work is likely to bring you into contact with him again in future I think it's time you get over this first hurdle and move on.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 09/01/2012 11:30

And if he is a married man that is happy to cheat on his wife be prepared to accept that he might be chasing someone else at this work do rather than wanting to speak to you. Saying this as it might be a complete shock to the system if you see him with someone other than his wife and not something you have contemplated because you are wrapped up in thinking about him and you.

HoudiniHissy · 09/01/2012 15:05

Maybe the scrote hé is will be terrified of seeing YOU there, afraid you'll show him up? Maybe HE'LL cry off!

Original poster

celerysalt · 31/01/2012 22:29

Wanted to come back and update, and thank everyone for the sage advice.

In the end it was kind of worse but better than expected. He was there, and did speak to me. It caught me by surprise because I hadn't seen him before he came over and had assumed (in a relieved way) he wasn't there. I did speak to him - briefly - I probably shouldn't have. He said I looked great (I do, have changed my appearance a lot since he last saw me. He looked tired, and older than I remembered) and that he missed me, that nothing had changed in his situation but he did miss me.

Tempting though it was for a fleeting second to say I missed him too (because I do, I've never met anyone like him before or since), nothing had changed, nor will it, and it's not what I want. I don't want to have to lie to people again, or have half a life. So I asked if his wife knew if I was at this function, and what she would think of what he'd said. Then thankfully we were interrupted by one of the organisers, so I was able to make my escape. I didn't see him again after that.

Weirdly it feels like some kind of closure now, am hoping it will help me move on and feel slightly more hopeful one day I might meet someone else, has to be possible surely.

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