dont even know what to call this thread!!

[MrsSalvatore]

basically im completely in love with a guy who ive been friends with for a while, but who ive had casual "relations" with every time i see him. We fell out a while back because he started freaking out because he thought i was starting to fall for him and i had no idea what the problem was so we didnt speak for a few days. then he got back into contact with me and we started texting again.

On christmas day he rang me and said that the reason he had acted like that was because he is so scared of getting hurt again (a 5 year relationship with someone he lived with ended a couple years ago) but that he likes me so much he just doesnt feel able to have a relationship at the minute.

Since then, he's been at my house everyother night, we do have sex but not every time we watch dvds and mess around and go to sleep every night cuddling.

Last week he came to mine because he was ill and wanted me to look after him and the next day he went to the doctors and phoned me afterwards and said he was going to see a therapist about all the stuff he cant get out of his head and that he was getting antidepressants to try and help him which i think is amazing that hes doing something about this problem.

On friday night, i had a lot of texts from him when he was drunk saying he misses me when we arent together and one saying he loves me. I havent mentioned this to him, but he spent all day yesterday and night with me and my son and he basically said that he wants us to be friends and not sleep together anymore with the place his head is in. i asked him if it would be different if he was ready for a relationship would it be with me and he said he couldnt answer it but that the problem isnt me.

I feel so confused about everything i just dont know how to deal with the situation :-(

He wants to keep you dangling :( he just said in the previous text that's what he wanted!

He'll take you out on a date, you'll have sex, then he'll 'freak out' and decide he can't offer any more than friendship after all, but by this point he's already sucked you back into a 'friends with benefits' situation. He'll carry on using you for sex and a bit of company as and when he feels like it, then when he finds a woman he does want a relationship with and fucks off with her he can say "well I was honest with you, I told you I only wanted your friendship".

Ignore him, ignore his juvenile texts. He is an emotional vampire. This will only end one way - with you being terribly hurt.

This kind of crap (keeping you at arms length due to feelings for ex) is familiar to me. Do you know where he has been on the nights he wasn't with you?
Is he protective of his mobile?

I knew someone like this. He was telling the same crap to 2 women in different towns. Women with kids are easier to fool; they can't spend time doing detective work.

I'm probably wrong but he sounds like a calculated arse.

You are so not wrong Becka

I actually don't think it ultimately matters whether he is genuinely still fucked up from his traumatic break-up 2 years ago or not- all you can really judge his intentions on are his actions, which aren't respectful. And he's not being your friend. This cycle of playing relationships with you, taking the sex that is offered to him on a plate and then temporarily skedaddling, all confused poor thing, will continue as long as you let it.

im coping ok with ignoring him, i had another text from him last night and a pm on fb but i havent replied

on the subject of him seeing other people and the nights he isnt with me, he openly uses his phone infront of me if someone texts/calls and they have always been from his male flatmates/parents/sister and he leaves his phone in the room when he goes to the toilet etc. on nights we arent together we speak constantly via text or on facebook so i cant imagine he is with anyone else, he certainly doesnt do that when hes with me. even on nights where hes out with his friends he rings me when he gets to bed and i get texts all night while hes out

I had this for 6 years with someone. Ended up making a right prat of myself. He was waiting until the right girl came along. He just didn't want to hurt me by telling me so. Mixed blessing in him doing that.

wow, 6 years!!! nightmare :-(

You are talking yourself into him Mrs S

I got into a similar relationship. I supported him through all of the bad times, including the occasional shag and a lot of angst.

He got himself sorted in the end, dumped me and our friendship and married someone else.

He's not that into you. If he wanted a relationship, he would have one with you, but whatever he wants you are not it. Until he's worked out what 'it' is, he has someone who is there for him - so its win on his side. You are only going to get hurt.

i promise im not talking myself into him. i have maintained the distance for 2 days now and im beginning to feel better. i just sometimes feel im maybe overreacting to this as we had only been sleeping together for a month (the last "casual" time was over a year ago) and we have actually been very close friends since then

You are not overreacting

You are putting your own emotional needs first

That is good, proper, right and above all, healthy.