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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dont even know what to call this thread!!

63 replies

MrsSalvatore · 08/01/2012 18:32

basically im completely in love with a guy who ive been friends with for a while, but who ive had casual "relations" with every time i see him. We fell out a while back because he started freaking out because he thought i was starting to fall for him and i had no idea what the problem was so we didnt speak for a few days. then he got back into contact with me and we started texting again.

On christmas day he rang me and said that the reason he had acted like that was because he is so scared of getting hurt again (a 5 year relationship with someone he lived with ended a couple years ago) but that he likes me so much he just doesnt feel able to have a relationship at the minute.

Since then, he's been at my house everyother night, we do have sex but not every time we watch dvds and mess around and go to sleep every night cuddling.

Last week he came to mine because he was ill and wanted me to look after him and the next day he went to the doctors and phoned me afterwards and said he was going to see a therapist about all the stuff he cant get out of his head and that he was getting antidepressants to try and help him which i think is amazing that hes doing something about this problem.

On friday night, i had a lot of texts from him when he was drunk saying he misses me when we arent together and one saying he loves me. I havent mentioned this to him, but he spent all day yesterday and night with me and my son and he basically said that he wants us to be friends and not sleep together anymore with the place his head is in. i asked him if it would be different if he was ready for a relationship would it be with me and he said he couldnt answer it but that the problem isnt me.

I feel so confused about everything i just dont know how to deal with the situation :-(

OP posts:
Berries · 08/01/2012 20:01

Walk away. I had this. For THREE YEARS. He broke my heart. The sex thing? It'll carry on because you'll continue to 'offer' and he can accept on the basis that you 'know the score'. Take it from one who's been there and get out while you can.

And don't do the 'friends' thing either. You are a nice person, nice people don't use other people like this and so you will assume he has 'feelings' and if he can just sort out the hurt you'll have happy ever after. You need to prioritise yourself in this case.

barkwithnobite · 08/01/2012 20:47

Talk about having his cake, and eating it (when he feels like it)!

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/01/2012 15:57

How's it going today MrsS ?

fuzzynavel · 09/01/2012 16:20

Stop sleeping with him OP. Stop giving him everything he needs without him having to make some sort of commitment. You are providing far too much without any return. What do they call it these days... Friends with benefits (but for him only in this case) or you're being his booty call.

Tell him, yes you do like him and would like something more concrete, if he can't provide that then you will find someone who can.

Then walk away, OP. This is not doing your self esteem one iota of good.

MrsSalvatore · 09/01/2012 17:32

hi ladies, well to update i sent him a txt saying that i need space from him while he sorts himself out because i care a lot for him and he obviously isnt in a place where that means anything to him. he replied saying "i wish you didnt feel like that and that i could just talk to you, but nevermind i know u have to do what u have to do, boooooooooo xxx". i have been strong and not spoken to him after that. but its killing me it really is :-(

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/01/2012 17:34

Better to take the pain now.

Well done (apart from the ego boost you handed him over letting him know you care more about him than he does you)

Did he actually text "booooooooo"

If so, he's a twat.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 09/01/2012 17:36

What a shit text. He is agreeing with you though- he can't offer you anything and agrees that you should take some space, even if he wishes he could keep you on tap.

MrsSalvatore · 09/01/2012 17:38

ahhh i know ffs im an idiot

yes that was an exact copy of his text

OP posts:
KnickersOnOnesHead · 09/01/2012 17:51

Has he got dc's?

MrsSalvatore · 09/01/2012 18:03

he has no dcs no

OP posts:
MrsSalvatore · 09/01/2012 18:54

he is amazing with my ds tho which added to me falling for him so hard (he met him long before we started sleeping together cos we were always good friends)

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/01/2012 18:56

He's probably about the same age, mentally.

It's easy to get on well with children for short bursts of time, it's the day in day out stuff that makes someone "amazing".

pictish · 09/01/2012 19:06

So you're prepared to hang about an unspecified amount of time supporting him while he heals his hurt over a relationship that ended two years ago, in the hope that eventually he might fall in love with you too, meanwhile letting him have sex with you, no strings attached?

Way to downplay your own time and worth OP!

Glad you've seen the light. If he was into you, he'd be in the zone already. he isn't, so....he isn't.

MrsSalvatore · 09/01/2012 19:13

i just dont know ive made the break now. i dont know what il do the next time i hear from him tho im weak. im not drinking for a while cos alcohol makes me even weaker!!!

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/01/2012 19:15

Yes you do.

When he next drunk texts you for a booty call.

Do not reply.

Simples.

pictish · 09/01/2012 19:20

Seriously OP - at the risk of sounding stark, I bet you anything his hurt 'heals' as soon as he meets a woman he IS into!

i asked him if it would be different if he was ready for a relationship would it be with me and he said he couldnt answer it but that the problem isnt me.

The answer is no. And as for "It's not you, it's me" - pah!

Life is too damn short to yearn after someone who doesn't want you.

MrsSalvatore · 09/01/2012 19:42

ok so he's just text me saying he doesnt want things to end between us and asked if he can take me out on a proper date at the weekend

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/01/2012 20:01

So what's suddenly changed from earlier then? Remember when he told you he wished you didn't have feelings for him?

He is looking to suck you back in to his FWB arrangement?

He's not exactly respecting your wishes for some space either, is he?

DO NOT REPLY FFS

barkwithnobite · 09/01/2012 20:02

Oh my gosh! How old is this boy? I fear he is using you!!

FabbyChic · 09/01/2012 20:03

I think you are being a bit mean to him ladies, he has been honest, he obviously has feelings he is havnig trouble dealing with, he has told her he wants to be friends first and foremost, whats the problem with that, if this was being posted by a man the responses would be give her some space etc.,

Dont fuck about with his feelings because you fell in love he didn't ask you to he made you no promises at all you done all the running in this not him. What man turns down a fuck seriously?

He doesnt want you to get hurt either so backs off and he is in the wrong? Thts bollocks

barkwithnobite · 09/01/2012 20:03

It's too soon for a full circle u-turn!!

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/01/2012 20:04

Read the latest, Fabby

This is not the first time he's done a U turn.

MrsSalvatore · 09/01/2012 20:05

i havent replied!!!

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/01/2012 20:06

Good woman.

Spink · 09/01/2012 20:13

I've just quickly ready through the thread and I think it is brilliant you are not replying to this latest thing from him. Hang in there. If you get the urge to contact him, come on here first!!