My ex's second relationship - can you help me sort out my feelings?

[2ndtimeblues]

My 25 year marriage ended about two years ago. Lots of reasons but the final straw was his refusal to end an affair with a woman. They are now together and planning on getting married. I don't want him back though I do long for the marriage I once had and thought I was going to have for ever.

But - and this is something I can't seem to deal with - I want his new relationship not to work out. For all sorts of reasons.

1. if it doesn't work out then it means I wasn't the horrible person he said I was.
2. why should they lie and cheat and cause all this damage to my children and me and still be happy. It doesn't seem fair.

None of these things are rational and none of them help me deal with what I have to deal with. But I keep returning to these points. I don't want to be bitter, I really don't but it makes me so cross that he just seems to move a new woman into his life and I deal with the fallout.

Bumping

"why should they lie and cheat and cause all this damage to my children and me"

Can you expand on that? What kind of damage have they caused?

The children are hurting as a result of the separation. It was traumatic and even now they are sometimes sad in a way they weren't before. I do my best to be the best single mum I can but they don't have a father who lives with me.

For me, it was very demoralising to be lied to. Worse. At times I felt as if I was going mad. To be suspicious and have your suspicions ridiculed. But actually you were correct.

He got her pregnant and that hurt me very much. He told me I was weird and unnatural, unfeminine and cold. My clothes and my cooking were an "insult" to him. I deserved it for not having enough sex/good enough sex. He was horrible to me in order to feel better about himself.

Honey when she's got a couple of kids and is too knackered to cook/have wild sex he will be out looking for a replacement bit on the side. I do question the sanity of these women who go from being the bit on the side to being the wife!

I would say it's normal to feel how you do, but try not to let it consume you. Did he really make you happy in your marriage? He sounds like a selfish spiteful prat. They are qualities that don't appear all of a sudden. You need to look it at like you got a lucky escape. I'm sure you will get to that point, it just takes time.

You are right, Egg. I was miserable. Utterly miserable for ages. But...but...how come he's moved on so quickly. How come he's not mourning the end?

I don't want it to consume me but sometimes it feels so raw. And that's after two years,

What, is he shacked up with some youngster, pretenidnig he can wipe the slate clean and do it al again?
What a prick.
Men like that attract pity and sneers.

Well yes. That's pretty much it. 17 years younger and understands him in a way I never did. Apparently. And makes him feel like a man. I know. Just writing it down is helpful.

Oh please
Scornful laugh.

Fast forward 2 years. House full of plastic, snotty toddler screaming, harassed woman hassling him. All those special evenings 'understanding' each other now just a distant memory as he rams yet another shitty nappy into the bin.

And where shall you be?
A fantastic carefree w/end away with friends?
Uninterrupted baths and chilled wine?
Wild sex with someone unsuitable who you have no intention whatsoever of doing anything as tedious as shacking up with?

I almost feel sorry for the eejit.
Nothing sadder than a middle aged fart behing a Bugaboo
(Oh, and everyone will refere to him as 'Grandad' of course. as in 'Ahh, out for a walk with Grandad while Mummy and Daddy are away?'

Hah!!

Utterly miserable for ages. But...but...how come he's moved on so quickly.
You've answered your own question there. You were 'utterly miserable for ages' - therefore, so was he. The marriage must've been over for ages and therefore he 'moved on' emotionally long before the official separation occurred.

When my H and I split up, we didn't involve other people and there was no nastiness, I did not grieve or feel heartbroken or anything because it'd taken years to die and I'd done all the sadness along the way. Both H and I were totally able to move on emotionally with regards having feelings towards other people really quickly. Obviously, I had stuff to work out myself and get over the effects of being in an unhealthy relationship, but no mourning, no.

It's horrible that he wasn't able to end the marriage when he/you/both of you became unhappy without involving an OW - don't know why men seem incapable of leaving relationships without that. Would save so much heartache all round.

I have had a marriage end too, and felt these feelings you described in your OP

One day, you just get to the point of acceptance, where nothing they do matters to you anymore - indifference

I was very very cross at my ExH for seemingly moving on so fast - all that glitters is not gold

I know. It was dead on its feet long before it ended.
I don't like the role she played in it though. And I feel freaked by the way he seems to be replaying things. Things we did together he now does with her. It's like one woman out, one woman in. And I can't even imagine going on a date with a man.

she doesn't "understand him" she just fucks him.

That will soon change in a couple of years when his balls are so saggy he is scooping them off the floor and she has been up 10 times a night with the baby he honoured her with.

he was spiteful and nasty with what he said because he was trying to convince himself.

Honestly, rather than actively hoping that bad things befall him, just pretend he no longer exists. free your mind of him and let Karma do the rest.
whilst you waste energy on hating him you are still poisoning yourself with him.

he doesn't deserve space in your life, so dont give it to him.

Whinging - very good point on the hating - it really makes things worse for YOU rather than him

You are all helping me enormously. Hating is bad for me. I don't hate him exactly. I just have this horrible feeling that I don't want them to be happy given that their happiness needed my and my children's unhappiness to bring it about.

But it's over and that's it! And now I have to do ....?

I think I love you moondog.

OP. How about this ... embrace the hate. Spend a while with your eyes closed really giving in to all the bile and bitterness. Imagine him shattered and broken when she leaves HIM for someone nicer. Really see it. Then put it away and do something way nicer. Bah, choc, music? Paint or draw? Read a fab book? Get in touch with your heart. Be the best YOU you can be. Love yourself. And I do mean that literally too actually. Take yourself to bed with a sexy book and love yourself properly, like this pillock never did or could.

Bah?? Bath!

I like the image of a middle aged far behind a bugaloo.

He told me I was weird and unnatural, unfeminine and cold. My clothes and my cooking were an "insult" to him. I deserved it for not having enough sex/good enough sex. He was horrible to me in order to feel better about himself.

Rest easy, because undoubtedly he will say the same to her soon enough. Entitled abusive pricks never change!
You know this, but he isn't worth all this angst over, but I will wish that his balls get covered in terminal warts and he can't get it up again..ever x

I'm actually thisclose to suggesting you make a voodoo dolly of him.

Says waaay too much about me

Dont let whether his new relationship "works" or not be the the barometer of whether you are a good person - step back from this

Are you quite new to MN/ the Relationships forum ?

He sounds a right prick and you are well rid. I understand though that you don't feel it right now. You will soon enough!

I would spend a good amount of time seriously comparing your lives and what his life is going to be. I assume you are past the most labor-intensive child raising years. So, in the probably very near future, you will have entire weekends presumably spent alone where you can do anything you damn well please. Or absolutely nothing at all! You can spend time on hobbies that you couldn't before, and go out with friends. Or take up a hobby! If you make a mess in the house it is YOUR mess and you won't be tidying someone else's mess as well. Your days of dirty nappies and midnight wakings are done.

And his life isn't looking quite so rosy! He has all the middle of the night waking/walking around like a zombie the next day stuff still ahead of him, and it is much harder to deal with when you're older. He will look (and probably feel!) like an idiot when he's out with his baby and all the other dad's are half his age, I love the picture of strangers coming up to admire the child and calling him grandad! And there will be no weekends off for him for many many years.

You could almost have sympathy for him, except don't go that far. ;)

I once read a really trashy novel and I can't remember very much about it, the general idea was that it was a woman whose husband starts an affair with a younger version at work, and all the emotions she goes through and things she does to try and win him back. And at the end she realizes that she hasn't actually lost anything at all, she goes to the other woman's house with a suitcase full of the hubby's clothes, hands it over to the OW and OW says something like 'you mean I've won', and the woman said 'that depends on what you think you're getting'. Or something like that. I probably haven't explained very well, but the idea was that patterns repeat themselves, what he's done to you he'll do to her eventually, while you yourself are free of it now.

Be gentle and good to yourself, treat yourself and your children if you can, you all deserve it.

Hi 2nd I have been separated for a year now and my exH has already met and moved in with someone else, whilst I have been left licking my wounds and havin counselling, which has helped enormously by the way, but it does hurt doesn't it and like you I have wondered if it was me that was the problem as that is what exH told me constantly, but just wait and see he will be doing just the same to her once the honeymoon period has worn off, I could ramble on about it for ages but it's late and I'm off to bed, but just wanted to acknowledge your post, and as always on here other posters have given great advice,

I'm going to make a promise to myself to stop this unhealthy pattern of thought. Seeing it written down really ad an effect on me. HOw could I have been caught up wththe idea that his success/failure had anything to do with me? And he was so horribe. So very horrible to me. And even when I loved him best, I knew that he wasn't an easy person. Or even a very kind person.

Well done you, its a battle of course, his method of haandling his guilt was immensely cruel but it seems thats how many guys process it all. We are often left acknowledging our relationships had deteriorated however wed kept going through the motions. Unfortunately many cant and im convinced its why OW are allowed in. I agree try to not feed your pain, the best therapy is move on and look forward to the new you, the free you. As one who is trying to reinvent myself and confidence I know you can get through this and by the sounds he needs to be let go of for your gain. I wish you well. x