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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

lazy DP...25 weeks pregnant...had ENOUGH

46 replies

yummicheddars · 07/01/2012 23:39

Sooo ok, we're both only 21, we already have a 2 and a half year old DS together, and I'm 25 weeks pregnant. Basically we haven't felt a spark in a very long time (years) since first pregnancy, we have been pushing it aside and staying together. I moved out as we we're living with his parent october 2010, we stayed together, but then he decided he could finally cut his invisible imbilical cord from his mum and move in with me and his son july 2011. Since he's lived here..he has done nothing around the house. Doesn't pick up own boxers, doesn't do washing, pots cooking cleaning ..nothing. Although if I ask..its takes about 5x till he actually does it but with a very bad tempered face. He does work, so that is his excuse, he works 8hrs 5 days a week as an electrician, I only do 4 hrs saturday nights, full time student (eventually to be a paramedic) that makes me at college 2 full days a week, plus many hours studying at home, I manage to have him dinner cooked for when he gets in from work, if for some reason I haven't, for instance I'm out, he moans. Like the other day...I went into town and because I hadn't been home to make anything..I received a txt saying "I haven't had anything to eat" ... Unbelievable. I don't want to leave him, even though there's no spark, or chemistry. Or possibly even trust due to things from the past. We're meant to be getting married in july. But he will not listen to me and doesn not change with the house habits.I am a very clean person and its really getting my back up. Sorry about moan...

OP posts:

anonacfr · 07/01/2012 23:48

You don't sound like you want to marry him.
Seriously, I'd stop doing his housework. You work, you study you look after a toddler and you're pregnant? That's enough to do without carrying him as well. He's not a child.

Abirdinthehand · 07/01/2012 23:51

Good grief. We have 2 under 5s and we 're expecting a 3rd in August. I have had morning sickness, sor for the last 3 weeks, dh has got the kids up, given them breakfast, gone to work, come home and cooked their and his dinner (I'm living on cornflakes) bathed them, put them to bed, washed up, put a wash on, and then collapsed. Show this to your partner. This is how a good father behaves when his wife is pregnant, working and studying. (I also both work and study)

peeriebear · 08/01/2012 00:00

Why don't you want to leave him when there's nothing in this for you? If you separate he will still have to do his share of parenting. WHY on earth are you planning to get married to this selfish manchild? No no no!!!

StewieGriffinsMom · 08/01/2012 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greyvix · 08/01/2012 00:05

The fact that you are studying, whilst being a mother to a young child, with another one on the way puts you under a lot of pressure.
You need to be clear about your expectations from your DP and insist that he plays his part. It looks like he is expecting you to replace his mother, rather than be an equal in the relationship.

Original poster

yummicheddars · 08/01/2012 00:14

Ok now this has brought me out in tears...I know there's pathetic reasons as to why I've not left him, for one he says he's not going anywhere its me whod have to get up and go.as he hasn't got anywhere, my parents love him to bits they think the sun shines out his a*se.my mum always has a go at me if wev had an argument or something,I can't stick up for myself around her without being told off. My dad is very old fashioned, and has been forcing this wedding, he obsessed with us being married especially as he's my kids dad. I feel like I'd be a dissapointment to my family, I also feel as though I couldn't cope on my own, this course means a lot to me, I worry that I could not carry on with it. We broke up for 8 weeks last year, he begged and pleaded and even knocking at my door at 1 am trying to come in. I was very strong..although it was killing me. I ended up starting to talk to him more and more, eventually gave up when he asked to have another chance, that first week was amazing, cooked me dinner every few days, ran me a bath in at times. Was the nicest he's ever been. It lasted a week till hed made himself all comfy with his stuff back home.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 08/01/2012 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 08/01/2012 00:24

Stick to your studies. Forge your own life.

I'd advise ditching the cocklodger and learning emotional detachment from your parents, but this is your path to tread and it can take time.

But seriously: they are all drains on you, and do not show you proper care and respect. They wont't change - much as you might want them to. Time to start taking care of your own needs first.

WorriedBetty · 08/01/2012 00:27

1.Your parents are being absolute assholes-leave them to their stupid thoughts don't act on them.

His text 'i haven't had anything to eat' might not have been criticism

3.But he is still being an absolute asshole

You are right. Stay strong

PoppadumPreach · 08/01/2012 00:28

i am struggling to see why you're sticking with him, other than the fact he is the father of your children.

he sounds like a grade A tosser and i suspect you'd be much better off without him.

i suspect you know that too,

anonacfr · 08/01/2012 00:30

Basically it sounds like your mum has been conditioned to think everything The Man says is right and she's expecting you to fall into line and do the same as her.

As for your DP he made an effort for a week to get himself back in and once that was done the true him returned. If he really loved and respected you he'd be proud of the fact that you're studying, that you're ambitious and working towards a a better future for you and your family. He'd also look after you because you're carrying his child FFS!
He sounds like a pretty shit role model to your DS quite frankly.

Your poor thing between him and your parents it sounds like everyone's ganging up against you...

PoppadumPreach · 08/01/2012 00:32

sorry i didn't read your second post. it's never black and white, is it?

your parents are being really unfair - sounds like their more interested in their agenda (ie a married daughter rather than a happy daughter) so discount their views. but you should see if you can make then understand how difficult he is.

i think you either need to set out very very clear rules on a "one strike and you're out (or i'm gone) basis" or you need to call it quits.

i wish you the very very best. x

solidgoldbrass · 08/01/2012 01:00

Your parents have tried to teach you that women are men's property and servants, and that a woman without a male owner is a failure. They are wrong. There is more to live than servicing a man, and if you want to have a couple-relationship with a man at all (it's not compulsory) then it doesn't have to be with the first one who shows up, particularly if he's a lazy sexist mummy's boy like this one.
It is a lot harder to dump a partner when you are surrounded by unthinking 'traditionalists' who keep trying to tell you that it's Not Allowed and you must just eat shit and behave yourself because you don't have a penis and are therefore not fully human, but you can do it. It's your life and you don't need to spend it tied to a dead weight of a man.

carernotasaint · 08/01/2012 01:18

Agree with solid. Sounds to me like he knows full well that your parents are extremely old fashioned in their views and that they are being very unreasonable towards you,and will always side with him.
Make no mistake he will carry on taking full advantage of that.

izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 08/01/2012 02:44

I don't want to leave him, even though there's no spark, or chemistry

In that case whatever responses you get here are going to fall on deaf ears.

What exactly do you want? There's no magic wand that can transform him into a new man, but you can save a lot of energy by not cooking, cleaning, and washing for him.

Or you can start transforming your life by telling your parents that they're a disappoint to you and telling the idle git to shape up or toddle off back to his dm.

Original poster

yummicheddars · 08/01/2012 08:53

Thankyou all so much for replying..you've all put very much thought into my head. I have tried the whole not doing things around the house, I called it my strike, didn't do pots, washing or cooking for a week. Basically,he still didn't cook not even for DS, he didn't do anything, after the week was up, he had a smug grin because the house was an absolute mess, so I had to spend all day doing it, his response.."I new you'd do it, you can't stand a mess unlike it doesn't bother me" he comes from a pretty dirty family, their house is a real mess.so maybe its his family who's influenced him on dirty houses?

OP posts:

CleopatrasAsp · 08/01/2012 09:27

He sounds a charmer. Give him the boot Yummie, you are doing an amazing job being a mum, studying, working and doing all the housework - while pregnant! Do not put up with this shit either from this hopeless bloke (he will never change) or from your parents, who have their own agenda which doesn't seem to include your happiness. You deserve better and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

totallyscunnered · 08/01/2012 09:27

Sweetheart, I can tell you now it won't get any better.

I agree totally with SGB.

Please don't do what I did and waste your life on someone like this - there is a better life out there, you're half way there with your studying and you can do it on your own.

peggyblackett · 08/01/2012 09:39

The more I read of your posts, the sadder I feel.

I agree totally with what SGB has said. You are so young, and have your whole life ahead of you - please think carefully before wasting it on someone like your 'D'P.

fuzzpig · 08/01/2012 09:46

He's not a partner he's a cocklodger. You can do better, don't resign yourself to a lifetime of this!

weevilswobble · 08/01/2012 09:48

You need to train him before its too late. He needs to be unconditioned. His parents haven't trained him domestically, but they have at least got him on his feet with regards to education and a good job. Cook things together and do the household chores together so he learns, give him lots of praise and always let him know when hes done good, if you always complain and highlight bad stuff you are just a nag. Marriage is never easy. Good luck.

BenderBendingRodriguez · 08/01/2012 09:49

if my parents were like yours, i would take pleasure and pride in disappointing them. gtfo and make a great life for you and your children - you can do it :)

Original poster

yummicheddars · 08/01/2012 09:53

He is such a good dad to our DS though, I think that's what keeps me with him. And the fact that I feel if I leave him..this sounds awful..but like I feel that I wouldn't be able to support our children and give them the best in life. As obviously I still have 5 years studying left, he is a fully qualified masters degree electrician, so he has a good wage. I feel as though I couldn't give the kids what they ask for and what they want, and I'd be scrimping for the rest of my life, I really don't like to be on benefits. I like to earn the money I spend myself. Always have done since I was 16. I just feel like without him I couldn't cope. Especially as he's said he wouldn't help me with money. And hed take me to court to get full custody of our kids. He has money to spend on good soliciters, I do not however and I could never face being away from my kid(s)

OP posts:

BenderBendingRodriguez · 08/01/2012 10:01

he is a shit dad to your DS and will be a shit dad to the next kid, because he's modelling lazy, dirty, disrespectful behaviour.
he won't get full custody of the kids. in fact i'd be very surprised if he even tried for it, given that he is as much of a lazy arse as you say.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/01/2012 10:10

Re your second post, consider the following:

He says he's not going anywhere, you'd have to move out. But wait: it was your home that he moved into, and you're not married. So he doesn't actually have any legal right to live there, unless you changed it so his name is on the rental/mortgage/deeds.

Your parents may love him, but they don't have to live with him. You do. So it's your choice. It's not easy when you're only 21 to just tell your own parents to do one, but sometimes you just have to. They might have your best interests at heart - one sincerely hopes - but that doesn't mean they have a clear view of what your best interests actually are. They're human, they make mistakes, they have their own baggage. We all do.

You worry that you couldn't cope on your own. Well, by the sound of it, you aren't getting a great deal of support from this fellow as it is. Indeed you need to do extra work looking after him - more cooking, more cleaning, picking up after him etc. What haven't you mentioned that he does to make your life easier? Let me guess: plays with DS while you do your coursework, housework and paid work. That's not a lot, really.

Doesn't sound like he has broken the umbilical cord at all, actually - he's just trying to plug it into you instead of mummy.

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